Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Sprewell to get screwed over

I was just saying to the other TSmoke editors last week how quiet it’s been on the Latrell Sprewell front recently. Much like Straw, Tyson, or Ron Mexico, you just don’t expect Sprewell to get through a season without some bizarre episode catching the headlines. So I was quite relieved to turn on my computer earlier this week and read that Spree was slapped with a $200 million palimony suit.

The suit, brought by Sprewell’s estranged partner Candace Cabbil, alleges that Sprewell “broke their long-term cohabitation deal and roughed her up” last month in their New York mansion. And I’m sure “roughed her up” is just legaleese for “choked the living hell out of her.”

The lawsuit goes on to say that when Sprewell was traded from the New York Knicks to the Minnesota Timberwolves in July 2003, the couple agreed that Cabbil and the five children (one of whom Latrell fathered with another woman) would remain in New York. But instead of returning to his family in the off-season, Spree chose to live on a yacht he had purchased in Wisconsin. The relationship finally broke down on Sept. 8 when Spree returned home to New York and announced that the couple needed “to end this fake” relationship.

Spree, only five kids? You should be embarrassed at the effort. And what the hell is a “long-term co-habitation deal?” Is that like hood lingo for the same arrangement that Andrei Kirilenko has with his wife? It’s ghetto rules yo. When you bring home the benjamins, you can sleep with all the hoodrats you want, so long as the cheques keep going through to the baby’s momma. But when the cash stops flowing the only briefs of hers you’ll be seeing will be of the legal variety.

Kobe strikes back

Kobe Bryant was suspended one game without pay by the NBA on Tuesday. Bryant was penalized for striking San Antonio's Manu Ginobili in the face late in the Lakers' loss to the Spurs on Sunday.

When I see a story involving Kobe and someone getting hit in the face, I usually picture it unfolding like this: Kobe walks into a dimly lit Martini Bar, slips his wedding ring into his jeans pocket. He winks at the bartender and randomly throws some gun salutes to the patrons. He orders an appletini and eyes down the ivory beauty sitting a few stools over. He slides next to her and drops the line ‘Hey, I’m Kobe. I scored 81 points in a game, can I buy you a drink?’ To which she replies ‘Aren’t you married?’ followed by a backhand to his yapper. To end his night Kobe slinks over to the jewelry store, picks up some bling, and heads on home to his wife for some lovin’.

Peavy can't park

Jake Peavy's disorderly conduct charge was dismissed after the San Diego Padres pitcher apologized for a confrontation with a security officer when he double parked to unload baseball gear at Mobile Regional Airport. Peavy was arrested in his hometown after he parked in front of the airport entrance Jan. 4. The 25-year-old player was taking equipment on a church mission to help children in the Dominican Republic.

Double parking to unload gear for a church mission doesn't seem like that bad of a crime. Unless he belongs to the "Church of Blow" and that gear of his was actually a pack of miniature donkeys that his buddy Juan Valdez was going to use to sneak their crops off the plantation.

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Media Day

Today is Media day at the Superbowl and due to our limited budget, Throwing Smoke is unable to attend. But I guess it works out for the best as Miami hookers are charging triple this week unless you claim to be Tank Johnson and show up with a loaded weapon.

So just to feed your curiosities here are the questions we would have asked:

To Lovie Smith and Tony Dungy – Congrats on being the first 2 black coaches in the Superbowl. That is the first we heard about this story as it it isn’t getting a lot of media coverage. Anyways, why is the league so racist on Mexicans? I mean I do not see any illegal Mexican Immigrants coaching in the NFL?

Jeff Saturday (Colts OL) – Your last name was great when you played in college, why didn’t you change it to Jeff Sunday when you turned pro?

Brian Urlacher – At what age did you have your neck surgically removed and your head attached directly to your shoulders?

Rex Grossman – What is more likely for you on Sunday? 4 lost fumbles or 2 interceptions returned for TD’s?

Jim Sorgi (Colts back-up QB) - Did you bother bringing your equipment?

Brad Maynard (Bears Punter) - If you were not starting in the Superbowl would you stab the guy who was?

Peyton Manning – Have you found it easier to throw a football this week without the monkey on your back?

Marvin Harrison - Would you rather be caught in bed with a fat but legal Miami hooker or a fine illegal Cuban one?

Shaq puts badge to good use

Miami Beach reserve cop Shaquille O’Neal put his police skills to use last weekend when he used his pimped-out Cadillac Escalde to chase down a hit and run driver. O’Neal tracked the driver for over five minutes and used a cell phone to stay in contact with police until they could arrive on the scene.

I don’t understand why Shaq put the public in danger with this chase when he could have simply ended the episode by saying Kazaam! and making the dude’s car disappear. But maybe I’m being harsh. After all, it’s quite refreshing to see an NBA player helping out the cops instead of being cuffed by them.

Unser Jr. is a drunk

Two-time Indy 500 winner Al Unser Jr. faces a charge of driving under the influence after leaving the scene of a crash on a Nevada freeway. The 44-year-old Unser was arrested after he was identified as the driver of a car that sideswiped another on the Las Vegas Beltway shortly before 11 a.m. Thursday, Nevada Highway Patrol Trooper Kevin Honea said. Unser's vehicle had little damage, but the other car crashed into a cement center median. The driver reported no injuries at the scene, Honea said Friday. This isn't Unser's first brush with the law. You may recall in August 2002, he was arrested for allegedly punching his girlfriend, Jena L. Soto, and then forcing her out of their car and leaving her on the side of the highway.

After hearing about Unser Jr. abusing a girlfriend, driving drunk and making other cars crash into walls while escaping injury himself, it sounds like he should have been driving Nascar.

Barbaro now running towards the light

2006 Kentucky Derby winner Barbaro was euthanized Monday morning after complications from his breakdown at the Preakness last May. "We just reached a point where it was going to be difficult for him to go on without pain," co-owner Roy Jackson said. "It was the right decision, it was the right thing to do. We said all along if there was a situation where it would become more difficult for him then it would be time."

It is too bad that douchebag Joe Theisman couldn’t have been taken to the rendering factory and turned into glue 20 years ago when Lawrence Taylor turned his leg into soup. Then we would have been spared from idiotic comments like ‘he must have seen something that made him take it out of his pants.” And if he ever dares to utter such nonsense in my presence the object coming out of my pants will be a vial of Ebola.

Monday, January 29, 2007

Tiger and Federer rule the world

Tiger Woods and Roger Federer continued their domination of their respective sport tours on the weekend. In a 4th round comeback win, Tiger won his 7th straight PGA tour event. Not to be outdone, Federer won his 36th consective match, and 10th grand slam tournament to take the Australian Open.

With the roll these guys are on, the only way they can be stopped is if Keenen Ivory Wayans decided to do a sequal to 'White Chicks' with Tiger and Roger as the stars. But instead of sending them to the movie set, we send them to rendez-vous with a horny Kobe in a Colorado ski chalet.

Bengals are now doing hard time

Cincinnati Bengals receiver Chris Henry was sent to jail for two days last Thursday after pleading guilty to allowing minors to drink alcohol in his hotel room. Henry was a free man again on Saturday. He is one of nine players on the team arrested in the past year. Henry has been arrested four times in the last 14 months as a Bengals player. Judge Greg Grothaus suspended all but two days of Henry's 90-day sentence and ordered him immediately to Kenton County Jail in Kentucky.

Having actually now served jail time, this will just give Chris Henry more street cred. 48 hours in the slammer is like getting the clap. Sure you may be unconfortable for a few days, but after you take your penicillin, you are back in that hotel room with some young skanks!

Sunday, January 28, 2007

Super Bowel!

Every year the Super Bowl rolls around I start getting sick to my stomach. For some reason this game has become the benchmark of the overhyped, I've already heard that a million times stories and side-stories. It can be anything from "Will Steve Young ever win the Super Bowl and emerge from Joe Montana's shadow?" to "John Elway is a good guy, he deserves to win at least one Super Bowl." Also, who can forget the countless stories about how Kurt Warner had come from bagging groceries in Hicktown, USA to emerge as a Super Bowl champion. How can I love the NFL all season, and then the week of its biggest game turn into a "hater?"

I swear if I have to hear one more time that Lovey Smith and Tony Dungy are the first two black coaches in the Super Bowl, I will change my channel to Women's Entertainment and watch their Bridezilla marathon. We all know they are the first two black head coaches in the Super many times does the media have to pound these stories into our heads? They are both good coaches, but does it really matter that they are black? I even have a black co-worker who said she is getting sick of hearing it, and we still have a week to go folks!

I also have a major problem with the halftime shows. Who the hell decides who plays at halftime? Prince? Please tell me this is a sick joke! The past few years have also included such acts as the Rolling Stones and Paul McCartney(weren't these guys popular in 40's?) and Justin Timberlake. If we have to take an hour for a halftime show, at least give us a football game featuring midgets versus hungry tigers with Avril Lavigne singing in a bikini. Just no more shots of Mick Jagger in a mid-drift shirt, please!

Finally, you have to hate the fact that people who haven't watched one NFL game all season become an expert on Super Bowl Sunday. The only possible week of the year that I could come toe-to-toe with a soccer mom in an arguement that Bill Belichek is NOT the greatest coach of all time. Just because you put out cute little Super Bowl party favors and made a kick-ass spinach dip does not make you a football expert. I can't wait for next Sunday...not because of the game, but because it will all be over!

Saturday, January 27, 2007

Poet's Corner in the form of a tanka

Straight outta Compton.

Serena beat Maria,

Her Ghetto Booty,

Was in total full effect.

Won the Australian Open.

If you can't beat 'em...stab 'em!

Mitch "The Slasher" Cozad was back in court this past week in the case of punter versus punter. For those of you who don't remember the name, Cozad was the douchebag back-up punter (I can hear him now using his "I'm on the Northern Colorado football team" routine with all the ladies, I'll bet he "accidently" forgot to tell them he was a BACK-UP punter) that stabbed the starting punter this past September.According to a friend, Cozad was "extremely upset about issues with his football team" when he decided to go Tanya Harding on starting punter Rafael Mendoza's knee. The best part is the night that Cozad commited the crime he showed up to the scene driving his vehicle with the personalized plate "8-KIKR."Hey Cozad, maybe your next personalized plate should read "STOOPID."A judge ordered Cozad to stand trial for attempted first-degree murder.

Friday, January 26, 2007

Quit Pissing around

NASCAR driver, Martin Treux Jr. was charged with disorderly intoxication on Tuesday. A police officer arrested Treux when he found him pissing on his car. Capt. Rich Gardner, who said he smelled alcohol on Truex's breath, repeatedly asked Truex to place his hands behind his back so he could handcuff him. If you had to ask the urinating Truex a few times to put his hands behind his head, he probably wasn’t done using them to aim. I’d rather have the officer ask me to “put-em up” a few times then to freestyle it and get piss soaked shoes.

What does surprise me is that the officer wanted to cuff ‘em before he had time to wash his hands. That being said, this officer is certainly a cherry-picker, arresting a good ole boy for being drunk is about as easy as talking a Nascar fan into sleeping with their cousin. Man I can’t wait for my family reunion.

Federer is a machine

In the Australian open semi-finals, Andy Roddick, yet again, got spanked by world #1 Roger Federer 6-4, 6-0, 6-2. After the match, Roddick delivered a pile one-liners and jokes were of little consoluation after this humiliation:

“It was frustrating. It was miserable. ... It was terrible,” Roddick said. “Besides that, it was fine.” Later, one reporter commented that his performance in front of the media was better than his performance on court. “No (kidding),” Roddick said. “If there were rankings for press conferences, I wouldn't have to worry about dropping out of the top five.”

I am not sure why Andy Roddick is so disappointed in this loss. When you have trouble beating a computer generated stick like Pong, you can’t expect to beat a machine like Federer. After seeing your face all over ads this past year, you should now realize that Anna Kournikova isn't the best person to model your tennis career after if you want to hoist some hardware. Her career path will just lead to a bunch of teenage boys masturbating to your picture.

Yale Tennis team hates balls

During dinner last fall, members of the Yale Mens Tennis team, wearing women's underwear and fishnet stockings posed as members of a fraternity and entered several residential college dining halls, where they sang and danced on tabletops, Yale students reported. The witnesses said the team's initiates had signs on their backs that read, "I'm a faggot. Insert Here." Word of this incident hitting the public now.

When you think Yale, you think the cream of the crop; possibly a presidential candidate? It makes you worry about our society when this is the best our so-called future leaders can come up with for initiation. With it being Yale and all, I would have expected an ingenious prank like actually changing the players DNA so they REALLY did have a craving for cock. And if they could do that, you can bet I would have had my girlfriend on the first train there!

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Bengals have no bite

The arrest of Cincinnati Bengals cornerback Johnathan Joseph has members of the team angry, embarrassed and concerned that guilt by association has ruined public perception of the team. "Willie [Anderson], Carson [Palmer], John Thornton, the guys who do things right, have been forced to answer for the guys who decided not to do the right thing," linebacker Brian Simmons told the newspaper. "The perception of the team across the country is bad. It's as if it's going around like the plague." Anderson told the Enquirer he and other veterans warned their teammates not to become "No. 9 or No. 10," in reference to becoming the ninth or 10th Bengals player arrested in the last 9 months.

Don't you think that after 2 or 3 arrests they should have had this intervention? When someone starts kicking me in the nads, I sure as hell don't wait until my balls resemble mashed pototoes before asking them to stop.

No one likes Bettman

Edmonton Oilers governor Cal Nichols hammered NHL commissioner Gary Bettman, after the board of governors turned down a proposal to change the unbalanced schedule for the second time in two months that would have allowed more inter-conference play. "Politics always seems to enter into it," said Nichols. "We should be more concerned about the future of the game than specific interests or, 'This is going to cost me a few more thousand dollars to travel a few extra miles.' This shouldn't be about that. It should be about the game." Nichols said this is where Bettman has to take charge.

With Bettman ruining the NHL for over a decade now, can we really be surprised with any other failure by this douchebag? When you hire a Jewish-American to run a league that he probably never heard of until his interview, that ain't kosher. This would be like your wife hiring some strippers for your birthday and then being shocked when you come home drunk, broke and fully satisfied.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Mayweather Sr. will sell out his son

Floyd Mayweather Sr., could end up getting paid large to train Oscar De La Hoya for his next fight against his son, Floyd Mayweather Jr. The fight is scheduled for May 5th at the MGM Grand Garden. "If they want me to work against my son, then they're going to have to pay me," Mayweather Sr. told the Las Vegas Review-Journal." He later said demanded a flat $2 million fee to train De La Hoya.

Oscar has been hit in the head too many times if he believes Senior would sell out his own son, even for $2 million. If he buys this, then I will have no problem making him believe that when he sees his wife on all fours with my thick 8 in her, that I am just probing for my lost contact lens.

Don't do the crime if you can't do the time

Notre Dame point guard Kyle McAlarney was suspended from school for his arrest last month on a marijuana possession charge, his mother said Tuesday. Janice McAlarney said her son was told Monday that he could not continue to attend classes this semester. "All I know is my son was suspended yesterday from school and he's headed home," she said from her home in Staten Island, N.Y. "I don't know anything else beyond that. All I know is I'm ashamed of how they did this. ... I'm ashamed of the university. My son is a great kid. He did not deserve this. The punishment did not fit the crime."

Hey Mrs. McAlarney, try being ashamed of your son for breaking the law and doing drugs? Perhaps, try being ashamed of the fact that your kid just blew a free ride at one of the biggest universities in the US? But honestly, as only a fraction of kids make the NBA and Kyle was a sociology and computer applications major, he will probably end up getting the same dead-end job with or without that useless degree.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Cops-9 Bengals-0

Maybe there is a reason prison jump suits are that the Bengals players can be easily identified! Bengals top draft pick Johnathan Joseph was arrested early Monday morning by a Boone County (KY) sherrif's deputy. Reports are that Joseph was a passenger in the car driven by an unidentified women who had a suspended license. The deputy asked to search Joseph's backpack and he broke down and told the deputy there was a bag of marijuana in a pouch next to a video game (Grand Theft Auto possibly?).

It appears that the players are really buying into Coach Marvin Lewis' new "get-tough" policy. Joseph is only the 9th Bengal player in the last nine months to be arrested. The next logical step is to bring in the Vick brothers to QB the club. That is unless Carson Palmer holds up a liquor store in the next week.

Bonds speaks out

Barry Bonds thinks Mark McGwire and Pete Rose belong in the Hall of Fame. "I congratulate Cal Ripken Jr. and Tony Gwynn for their induction to the Hall of Fame because they were great ballplayers," Bonds said Wednesday. "But I also think McGwire and Pete Rose should be in Cooperstown."

If Bonds is going to speak out on your behalf, you may as well ask Kevin Mitchell to come and babysit your cat and Darryl Strawberry to guard your eight-ball.

Parcells retires, again

15 days after an upsetting playoff loss in Seattle, Bill 'Big Tuna' Parcells decided Monday to retire, ending a four-year run with Dallas Cowboys. Over 19 seasons in the NFL, Parcells led teams to three Super Bowls, winning two championships. "Physically, I could still do it," Parcells told ESPN's Ed Werder. "But, mentally, this is a 12-month-a-year job and I've been doing it since 1964. It was time to stop. I just have to let go.''

Dallas is now tuna free. I wish I could say the same thing about the Throwing Smoke headquarters. But until the office skank is fired, the cats will keep meowing at our doors.

Monday, January 22, 2007

Manning beats Brady

Staging the largest comeback in NFL conference title game history, Peyton Manning rallied the Colts to an improbable 38-34 victory over their arch rival New England Patriots. To end the game, pretty-boy Tom Brady threw an interception to dash any hopes of the Pats making their 4th Superbowl appearance in 6 years.

Seeing golden boy Brady fail in his 2 minute drill means that sports fans prayers are starting to be answered. If only our other 2 wishes would come true - Dwayne Wade's ebony handsomeness gets hit by a bus full of Cubans and Derek Jeter's ho-train is derailed.

Messier loves double duty

When the Edmonton Oilers retire Mark Messier's #11 next month at Rexall Place, they are planning for two days of festivities to honour their favourite son. The (pre-game) ceremonies can get long and arduous as they were with Stevie Yzerman" Oiler president Patrick LaForge told reporters. In Detroit, Yzerman's No. 19 jersey was retired Jan. 2 in a 90-minute ceremony prior to to a Red Wing's game and fans has no chance to really participate in the festivities.

If Edmonton truly wanted to honour Messier, they should just have 2 days of all you can drink and bang. Heck, when Madonna claims that even he was too wild for her, expect your town to be ripped up! Last year's Stanley Cup run, highlighted by the city running out of booze and chalk full of sluts gone wild is going to seem like an episode of Barney compared to this.

Sunday, January 21, 2007

You're Benched!

As I get ready for this weekends conference finals, I can't help but recall last Sunday morning I sat back with great anticipation for the Chargers-Patriots game. I was certain that the Chargers would easily move past the Patriots and we could all stop hearing about what a stud Tom Brady is and that Bill Bellichek is the greatest coach of all time. Maybe, just maybe, Marty Schottenheimer could redeem himself from his 5-12 playoff record and 5 consecutive playoff losses. By the end of the game I realized why 99% of San Diegoans want to put Marty in cement shoes and toss him in the Pacific.

Going for it on 4th and 11 early? It's the start of a huge game, the best way to put some of the jitters away is by getting an early score. I guess this was a huge middle finger for all those who call Marty too conservative.

Marlon Mcree's fumbled INT was bad enough, but then for Marty to have the daftness to challenge the call? Even Stevie Wonder could see that it clearly was a fumble, and why the hell would you want a timeout later in the fourth quarter anyway? The Chargers called a timeout immediatly after the Patriots had an injury timeout. Hey Marty, great call dude. That makes two wasted timeouts in the second half. How valuable would those have been on that last drive?

That last drive of the game was equally brutal. There was a reason the Patriots left the middle of the field wide you would have your QB throw it there! Duh! I guess Marty has never watched a good team run plays down the sidelines in their 2 minute drill before.

I'm telling you, if I were a Chargers fan I'd be seeing what I could do to contact Ted Kaczynski to mail Marty a package of anthrax...special delivery. Throw in the fact that the Chargers didn't even make the playoffs last season, they blew it against the Jets in 2004, and his team allowed Jabar Gaffney (who was freakin cut by the Texans) to have a huge game...I feel comfortable in telling Marty:

You're Benched!

Saturday, January 20, 2007

Poet's Corner

There once was a QB named Peyton Manning,

In the regular season he is always outstanding,

When he faces the Pats,

There's never congrats,

As Tom Brady gives his ass a tanning.

Friday, January 19, 2007

Drug Test Rubbed the Wrong Way

Top soccer star Marco Borriello, who failed a drug test back in November, is blaming the failed test on an ointment given to him by his model girlfriend, Belen Rodriguez. The ointment was not all she gave him. She also passed on an infection to Borriello by making love. Belen was quoted as saying “I advised him to use the ointment but forgot it contained cortisone. Our sex session proved fatal.”

Sweetheart getting a guy suspended for using a banned cream on his rod is not life or death. If you had used your teeth while on your knees , THAT IS FATAL. Come spend a night with me and I will show you trouble. Can you say asphyxiation by way of a thick dong!

Vick gets busted, again

Atlanta Falcons QB Michael Vick was almost arrested at Miami International Airport Wednesday. Vick apparently wasn’t aware of new regulations prohibiting passengers to bring liquids through security and was reluctant to allow security guards to confiscate and dispose of the water bottle he was carrying. Security agents recognized Vick, who is under contract with the Falcons for $10 million per season, and found it totally bizarre that he was unwilling to part with such a mundane object. They searched the bottle and found a hidden compartment containing traces of marijuana. Miami police are currently deciding whether or not to press charges.

Vick isn’t all that smart. When the officers asked him if he was Michael Vick he should have whipped out his Ron Mexico ID and used his sly Mex skills to get out of the jam. Afterall he must be a smooth operator since he can still get skanks to ride his jock knowing full well they will have a burning sensation in the morning.

Give me head of hair

In a team building exercise, the Calgary Flames are sporting massive sideburns as the club embarks on yet another facial-hair contest for the month of January. "It's a team thing. We just started on January first," confirmed Stephane Yelle. "Guys are starting to grow them, which is interesting."

This contest is a better idea than the armpit hair growing contest the East German Woman's swim team used to do.

Fire arms are dangerous

A Snohomish woman was charged Friday with telephone harassment for allegedly making threats against Brett Karch, a teenager who was injured in a cannon accident during a homecoming football game in October. Karch is a member of the school's Marine Corps Junior Reserve Officer Training unit that was responsible for firing the ceremonial cannon before football games and after home-team touchdowns. On Oct. 6, the cannon exploded and shattered Karch's leg. He has undergone three surgeries and is still unable to bear any weight on it.

This is exactly like what Kobe did to that Colorado girl. Except Kobe aimed his cannon to explode on her face. And she was a liar.

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Sosa may be back

The Texas Rangers have offered Sammy Sosa a minor league contract and invitation to spring training, where the veteran slugger would have the chance to make the major league club. "This is about giving a second chance to a guy who did a lot for the game, and who wants an opportunity to prove he can contribute. We're not setting expectations, and he's not asking for anything other than a chance to compete." Texas general manager Jon Daniels said in an e-mail to "Sammy seems hungry and somewhat humbled by the last two years,''

The only hungrier person to sign a minor league deal this month is that fat drunk Sidney Ponson. If Ponson isn’t giving up grand slams on the diamond, he’s eating them at Denny’s.

Ali is still a champ at 65

Yesterday was Muhammad Ali's 65th birthday. Like a true champ, Ali is still able to blow out his candles. And by blow I mean he places his shaking hands near the flame.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

K-Fed to lose control at Super Bowl

WWE superstar Kevin Federline has signed on with Nationwide Mutual Insurance Co., known for its "On Your Side" slogan. The company plans to run a national ad during the Super Bowl, and K-Fed has been tapped to star. The 30-second spot, to air during the third quarter of the Feb. 4 game, will be the latest installment in Nationwide's "Life Comes at You Fast" ad campaign. In the new commercial, Federline, goes from starring in a rap video surrounded by beauties and bling to working at a fast-food joint.

If Nationwide was looking to try and capitalize during the Super Bowl, why not use a sports celebrity to play the role of hero to zero? I bet O.J. would sign on, he’s got a great sense of humour. They could show him rushing for 2000 yards, stabbing his ex-wife after the game, and then gluing his Heisman back together after losing the civil suit. And if you’re worried about Simpson getting paid for this, don’t worry, Nationwide can deposit the cash in any number of the Juice’s offshore accounts.

Tyson indicted for being himself

Mike Tyson was finally indicted on drug charges stemming from his run in with Arizona police last week. County attorney Andrew Thomas wants to see Tyson go to prison saying, "Tyson endangered the public and himself and must be held accountable for his actions. It's my hope that a conviction and prison time will help him to break his addictions and learn to comply with the law."

History has shown that sending Tyson to prison does not teach him to obey the law. If anything another seven-year vacation in the slammer eating grits will just make him crazier. Cause there's just no substitute once you’ve developed a taste for human flesh.

Grandpa in the fast lane

72-year-old James Hylton is attempting a comeback by bringing a car to preseason testing Monday as he chases his long-shot dream of qualifying for next month's Daytona 500. Hylton made the first of his 15 Daytona 500 starts in 1966. This isn't to be confused with another Hilton who is always cumming on her back.

"I am doing this for seniors to show that at 70 years old, you don't have to go hunting for an old-folks home. You can go race for a little bit," Hylton said. "A lot of the old drivers want to come out here and hang out in the pits and see if I can do it."

In reality, Hylton is doing this to get more poon at the retirement centre. But if he does qualify for the race, he will be easy to spot on the track as he will be driving the car sponsored by Depends and his left blinker will always be flashing.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Strahan confronts ex-wife, goes nuts

New Jersey police were called to the home of Michael Strahan’s ex-wife Jean one day after the Giant’s football star lost a $15million divorce settlement. Apparently Strahan showed up at her house on Sunday night to drop off the kids as part of their joint custody agreement. His ex-wife’s “live-in carpenter” was waiting at the end of the driveway to take the children, but Strahan refused to hand over the kids and began screaming, “If Jean’s not here in five minutes, there’s gonna be trouble.” After waiting to no avail for Jean’s arrival Strahan violated their custody agreement by getting out of his car to argue further with the carpenter. He eventually left the kids with the carpenter and drove off, but came back to the house after driving once around the block. The cops were called and police questioned Strahan for over an hour before letting him go.

I’m guessing Michael Strahan is pretty pissed about having lost 70% of his estate to his ex-wife. And I can only imagine the further humiliation of having to hand off your kids to some “live-in carpenter”. Especially when “carpenter” is just some lame code for “dude who’s nailing her.”

I’m getting a strange feeling of déjà vu here. Are we destined to see Tiki Barber driving an SUV down the New Jersey Turnpike with a delusional Michael Strahan in the back seat and a fleet of state troopers in tow? Cause the parallels to that little incident involving the Juice are astounding. It’s probably too late to prevent Jean Strahan from meeting her fate, but I’ve got some advice for the carpenter-if she ever calls asking you to return her glasses, send them by FedEx.

Euro sports fans have no class

Croatian and Serbian spectators kicked each other and used flagpoles as weapons during brief scuffles Monday at the Australian Open tennis tournament. 150 people were ejected from the venue. Police said no injuries were reported and no arrests were made.

It is great to see the Euro’s are trying to turn every sporting event into a soccer-like atmosphere. By the end of this tournament, don’t be surprised of you see the Williams’ sisters taunted with racial epitaphs and banana’s tossed their way.

Baseball fans are fat

For the 2007 season, the right-field pavilion at Dodger Stadium will be converted into the special all-you-can-eat section, giving around 3,000 fans as many hot dogs, peanuts, popcorn, nachos and sodas as they want. Tickets will sell for $35 in advance and $40 on game day, unless your name is Cecil Fielder, in which case your ticket will retail for $250. The Dodgers only expect to break even on Big Daddy's ticket.

Monday, January 15, 2007

Joe Buck can't count

While watching the NFL games on Sunday I found Joe Buck's ignorance appalling. During the Chicago/Seattle game, when talking about players' cleats, Buck turned to Troy Aikman and asked "what is bigger, five-eighths or one-half." Does he realize he is asking a math question to Troy freaking Aikman? The guy who had 10 concussions during his career.

No doubt it's the lack of math skills that gives Buck his swagger. Cause if he realized that three inches is way below average, he wouldn't be nearly so self-assured.

Botched Pre-nup, yeah!

New York Giants star Michael Strahan was ordered to pay his ex-wife $15.3 million, which is more than half his net worth. This payment is in accordance with the couple's prenuptial agreement. Under the agreement, Jean Strahan was entitled to 50 percent of their joint marital assets and 20 percent of his yearly income from each year they were married.

Using my Ph.D in mathematics along with my Masters degree in sexiness, assuming Strahan was the only one bringing home the Benjamin’s that would mean that it was only his salary going into their net worth. So on top of her 50% cut, she gets an extra 20% of his annual salary? Basically she walked away with 70% of his wages during the course of their marriage. I am not sure if Strahan’s lawyer really understood the concept of the pre-nup. Either that or he had feminist lawyer Gloria Allred prepare the papers. This agreement is like going to the carnival and actually paying $2 to play the game at the ‘Kick you in the Crotch’ booth.

Senators go "overboard" with arena video

In a class move, the Ottawa Senators aired a video on their big screen Saturday showing their Hockey Night in Barbados promotional video that has their mascot Spartacat inciting a Montreal Canadiens fan to jump off a boat into the ocean. This is just weeks after Montreal general manager Bob Gainey's 25 year-old daughter Laura was swept off the deck of a tall ship and into the Atlantic Ocean. Her body hasn't been recovered.

If the Canadiens are looking to get even they should circle January 29th on the calendar, ‘cause that’s when the Senators are coming to town. And that’s just enough time to produce their own promotional video. Iconic Montreal mascot Youppi would be shown taking Senators forward Dany Heatley out for a night of boozing. After finishing up at the strippers a severely intoxicated Youppi would get behind the wheel and drive into a brick wall—ejecting Heatley from the vehicle and to certain death.

If Heater doesn’t break down and cry right there on the ice, then they should show the second part of the video, where Youppi is seen walking on crutches and grieving with Heatley’s family. And if Dany’s still able to play in the game after that, then Youppi should just run him down with the Zamboni, cause the guy doesn’t deserve to live.

Japan is invading again!

History was made in the NHL on Saturday when Los Angeles Kings goalie Yutaka Fukufuji made his NHL debut. Fukufuji, the first Japanese player to play in the NHL, entered to start the third where he faced five shots and allowed one goal. With many NHL'ers able to shoot 100 mph, hopefully Fukufuji can stand up to these bombs better than Hiroshima.

Sunday, January 14, 2007

You did what?

All sports fans know their favorite player can go down for the season on any given play. A torn ACL, a broken leg, or a concussion, can completely ruin a season and leave one feeling deflated about their team's chance for a championship. Injuries are an unfortunately (as the cliche goes) a part of the game, but not always! Just ask Marty Cordova, 1995 American League rookie of the year, who fell asleep in a tanning bed and burned himself so badly he was ordered by doctors to avoid sunlight for several days! While none of these players pulled a Steve Irwin (and by the way, who do I talk to about getting the Tampa Bay Devil Rays to change their mascot) they all hold a special spot in the stupid Hall of Fame.

David Boston, didn't anyone tell you to have your nipples pierced AFTER the season? Boston from THE Ohio State University (who, by the way got their ass put in a sling this week) once cried himself out of a Chargers practice complaining of sore nipples after getting them pierced. Lionel Simmons and Joel "Guitar Hero" Zumaya both had painful injuries from, well, their favorite video games. Simmons had just been named player of the week in 1990-91 season when he was forced to miss several games due to a painful case of "Nintendo thumb". I wonder what level of Tetris he was on? Detroit Tigers president and general manager Dave Dombrowski told a Detroit radio staion that the team felt Zumaya's right wrist and forearm inflammation that sidelined him for three games of the ALCS was caused by too much Guitar Hero, a video game where the player uses a guitar shaped controller and plays air guitar to their favorite songs-great way to help your team get to the World Series Joel. And finally, one of my favorite sports injuries of all time. Rookie Vince Coleman of the St. Louis Cardinals was well on his way to World Series stardom when, he was eaten by a tarp machine!? Coleman was stretching before an NLCS game when his left leg became caught in Busch Stadium's automated tarpaulin as it unrolled across the infield, trapping him for about 30 seconds. We thought this guy was fast?! He did not play in the World Series, which the Cardinals still won.

So all the old guys can sit and tell you about their favorite player, the guy who played in sub-zero weather, with a broken nose, and a cast on a broken arm...but I think we have 'em beat, sore nips and all.

Saturday, January 13, 2007

Poet's Corner

Barry, Barry, Quite Contrary,

How does your head grow?

Oversized from all the roids

Selling out friends in a row.

Friday, January 12, 2007

Becks follows Columbus

Like Columbus discovered America, David Beckham is going to discover North America's desire, or lack thereof, for soccer. This week he signed a 5 year $250 million contract with the L.A. Galaxy. His choice in teams is certainly a testament to how much he enjoyed his last team Real Madrid. He leaves Spain for L.A. , which is over run with illegal Spanish immigrants. You can bet US Immigration will be lined up at the gates of the Galaxy home games ready to toss the fans into a van marked ‘Peurto Vallarta’.

In all seriousness, with his move to the MLS, David Beckham is now the Rolex in a league full of cheap knock off’s. But he has always been like a high end watch, as he cums in a Posh box.

Bonds is a great teammate

According to reports, Barry Bonds failed an amphetamines test during the 2006 season. And taking the classy way out, Bonds blamed it on a teammate. The New York City newspaper reported that when first informed of the positive result Bonds attributed the result to having consumed an unknown substance taken from Mark Sweeney's locker.

You'd have thought Bonds would have learned his lesson when it comes to "unknown" substances. That ass cream he mistook for flaxseed oil back in 2004 practically cost him his career.

Barry's life is a circus. Only there's no animals and a whole lot of clowns juggling excuses. All things considered we shouldn't be so harsh. Even though Bonds stabbed his teammate in the back, that's still one less person than OJ knifed.