Poet's Corner

Wimbledon is so posh,
with traditional white clothes.
Now a Russian player,
is trying to oppose.

Tatiana Golovin,
Played the first two rounds
Wearing red undershorts,
Traditionalist found profound.

Tennis officials in England,
should be happy as a bride,
that her shorts weren't that colour,
from her monthly red tide.

Canadian Footbal is back

Thursday kicked off another Canadian Football League season. A pair of missed field goals in overtime led to a rare 39-39 tie between the Edmonton Eskimos and the Winnipeg Blue Bombers. While Joe Smith's two third-quarter touchdowns rallied the Grey Cup-champion B.C. Lions to a 24-22 win over the Toronto Argonauts.

In other football news as relevant as this, Ryan Leaf just took a piss.

Greg Oden goes first

The Portland Jailblazers have made Greg Oden and his sexy moustache the first pick in this year’s NBA draft. Oden has officially punched his ticket to poon land. He’ll have no problem convincing the strippers ladies of Portland to go get down with him. Especially if he shows them this awesome picture of himself getting freaky.

Mel Hall is a pervert

Former major league outfielder Mel Hall has been charged with sexually assaulting two girls in 1998 and 1999 when he was coaching them on a select basketball team. The 46-year-old Hall was released from jail Friday on $35,000 bail. He was arrested the previous day on charges of sexual assault of a child under 17 and aggravated sexual assault of a child under 14, police said Saturday. The second charge carries a possible life sentence because of the age of the alleged victim. When Hall was arrested, there was also an unrelated outstanding warrant on a theft charge, police said.

Considering I don't even remember who Mel Hall is I'm not sure why this is a story. This could have been way better if it involved Mike Tyson. At least he would have been smart enough to eat the evidence before it had a chance to testify against him.

Book closed on former closer

Rod "Shooter" Beck, an All-Star relief pitcher who earned 286 career saves, was found dead in his home Saturday. He was 38. He is best known for his bushy mustache and a deadly stare that intimidated batters throughout his 13-year career. Beck was discovered by police officers responding to a call to his home in suburban Phoenix, police department spokesman Andy Hill said Sunday. Foul play is not suspected, though the cause of death might not be known for several days.

38 year old former pitchers just don't die for no reason. That is unless they spent more time in drug rehab then on the mound. Although I'm guessing that his fu-manchu was sick of the neglect and finally strangled him to death. Adam Morrison, are you paying attention?

Ming to wed

China's All Star NBA centre Yao Ming will wed his teenage sweetheart in August, after an eight-year courtship, state press reported Monday. The 7 foot 6 centre first met Ye Li in 1999 when he was playing for the Shanghai Sharks men's team and the 6 foot 3 Ye was with the club's women's team.

"This is a match based on pure love," the paper said. And by pure love they mean the Chinese government is looking to start breeding the ultimate communist basketball player.

Pacman Update

Tennesse Titans QB Vince Young spoke out regarding the arrest of teammate Pacman Jones. "We love him a whole lot, but we feel like he don't care about us right now. He's got to stay out of trouble and watch his back out there," Young said.

I’m not from the ghetto, but even I know that Young better keep his mouth shut. Otherwise he’s gonna end up with a bullet in his brain.

In related news, the Las Vegas bouncer who was shot up by Pacman’s crew is now suing the cornerback. The civil suit alleges that Pacman bit the bouncer’s ankle and threatened to shoot him and acted as if he was reaching for a weapon in his waistband. The suit says a witness heard Jones tell another member of his group, "Let's smoke this fool."

This is a complete misunderstanding. When Pacman says “Let’s smoke this fool” I’m sure he just wanted to share some weed with the guy. Seriously, what the hell does Pacman have to do before the Titans kick his ass out the door? Have anal sex with Jeff Fisher's wife?

Benoit was a sick mofo

After WWE star Chris Benoit killed his wife and child on the weekend, sick details are starting to emerge. Benoit strangled his wife, suffocated his 7-year-old son and placed a Bible next to their bodies before hanging himself with the pulley of a weight machine, authorities said Tuesday. Investigators found prescription anabolic steroids in the house and District Attorney Scott Ballard said the boy had needle marks in his arms from being given growth hormones for some time because the family considered him undersized. You can read more gruesome details here.

Hopefully the WWE and Vince McMahon pay the price for this tragedy. You can't expect anything good to come from juicing up your 'talent' to the point where they don't know their asshole from a ditch in the ground. That being said, it is unimaginable what kind of sick fuck would do this to his wife and child. Remember the good ole days when demented and depressed pro athletes would just go rob jewelry stores? At least Rae Carruth now knows who is roomate will be in Hell. Burn in effigy, cock-sucker!

Editor's note - picture not posted as we do not want to look at this asshole.

Tank drives canned, then gets canned

As if anyone was surprised by this, after only being out of jail for four weeks, Chicago Bears defensive tackle Tank Johnson was arrested by police. At this point I could tell you that he held up a Motel 6 or shot up a 7-11 and you wouldn’t even flinch, so it was quite anticlimactic to read that Tank was pulled over for speeding in Arizona early last Friday morning. Police suspected that he was drunk so they arrested him and drew blood to determine whether he was over the limit.

Although test results aren't expected for up to two weeks the Chicago Bears wasted no time in clearing up some cap room. "We are upset and embarrassed by Tank's actions last week," Bears GM Jerry Angelo said in a statement. "He compromised the credibility of our organization. We made it clear to him that he had no room for error. Our goal was to help someone through a difficult period in his life [following his incarceration], but the effort needs to come from both sides. It didn't, and we have decided to move on."

Bears coach Lovie Smith also weighed in saying, "A lot of people within our organization gave extra time and energy to support Tank: players, coaches and our front office. We did our best to establish an environment for him to move forward. Ultimately, Tank needed to live up to his side of the deal."

I understand where the Bears are coming from, but their reaction is completely overboard. Tank’s only had like three chances. And really, when was the last time an NFL player killed someone while drinking and driving? These guys are so good, and so prepared, that they could be under general anesthetic and still tackle Randy Moss over the top.

Good luck Tank. I’m sure the Bengals will take a chance on you.

Sports slut to get naked

Well-known Brazilian lineswoman Ana Paula Oliveira, a 29-year-old brunette who also campaigns for women's rights, signed a contract with Playboy this week and will appear in its July edition. She was in hot water with the Brazil soccer federation and banned for three games last month for mistakenly disallowing at least one goal during a Copa Brasil match in May, and has not been called up for any top league matches since. Local media estimate the deal would earn her nearly $250,000.

This is one hell of a trend we're seeing with women involved in sports. I just pray to god this doesn't lead to seeing Arantxa Sánchez Vicario penetrated by a racket in the pages of Hustler.

Weekly Poll Results

Throwing Smoke readers have spoken. The athlete they most want to see bare it all is:

Anna Kournikova - 40.0%
Allison Stokke - 28.6%
Jennie Finch - 17.1%
Michelle Wie - 8.6%
Heather Mitts - 2.9%
Williams Sisters - 2.9%

In reality, any one on the list would be a worthy model - other than the Williams sisters. Whomever voted for them, go see an eye doctor. Or Jack Kevorkian.

Be sure to vote in our new poll - When female athletes pose naked, does it hurt their sport?

Another NFL player hit by lightening

Miami Dolphins defensive tackle Fred Evans was arrested early Saturday after he refused to leave a taxi on South Beach and then fought with officers, police said. Police twice used a Taser gun on Evans, according to the arrest report, in attempts to subdue the 6-foot-4, 305-pound player. Officers said they asked Evans to leave the taxi and, after he refused, they attempted to put him in handcuffs. He allegedly resisted, leading to the scuffle. Evans was charged with multiple counts of battery on a law enforcement officer and resisting with violence, along with single counts of disorderly intoxication and trespassing. One officer was allegedly bitten on the wrist and a female officer sustained scrapes on her left knee.

Every other week some professional athlete is being tasered by the cops. Ralph Goodell take notice. As the NBA found out, the threat of jail time and suspension actually encourages players to develop their street cred further. So forget hitting them in the wallet and try hitting them with a blast of 10,000 volts. Not only is it a great deterrent but it has the advantage of being quite entertaining. Start juicing up the defibrillators in every stadium. I'll be the first one crying when you send out the paramedics to chase down Chad Johnson during his next over-the-top touchdown celebration.

Tejada no longer streaking

Baltimore Orioles SS Miguel Tejada was placed on the 15-day disabled list Friday with a broken left wrist, ending his streak of consecutive games played at 1,152, the fifth-longest in big league history. He was still 1480 games behind Cal Ripken's record. ''I think this is better for me and for the team to have somebody in there who can help the team,'' Tejada said before the Orioles played at Arizona on Friday night. ''Right now, I can't help the team.''

Juan Pierre of the Los Angeles Dodgers now has the longest active streak at 334 games. David Ortiz also has an ongoing active streak - most consecutive games played with KFC stain on his uniform.

Throwing Smoke Flashback - Brewers on Y&R

In case you missed it this week, 4 member of the Milwaukee Brewers, pitchers Chris Capuano & Jeff Suppan, outfielder Bill Hall, and infielder J.J. Hardy appeared on Young and the Restless. As soap operas are usually swarming with shirtless men, we are all thankful Prince Fielder didn't get the invite.

Poet's Corner

There once was a bike tour in France

Who is trying stop cheaters in advance,

A deal will be signed before the first stage

If riders dope they lose a year’s wage,

Time for sport to take a tough stance.

PGA will crack down

PGA commissioner Tim Finchem is calling on golf to come up with a universal policy to test for performance-enhancing drugs. "Golf needs to move together on a global basis," he said Wednesday. Last November, the PGA's board authorized the tour to develop a list of prohibited substances and to create an education program that would inform players about how they might get into the body, the health risks, the nature of any potential testing and possible penalties.

With the likes of John Daly and Angel Cabrera on tour, I doubt any of them will test positive for a banned substance. That is unless nicotine and Twinkies make the list.

Juan Uribe "innocent"

Juan Uribe is out of legal trouble in the Dominican Republic, but the White Sox shortstop told reporters that he didn't pay off his accuser to get the charges dropped. The Associated Press, citing an anonymous source, reported that Uribe paid $25,500 to settle the case. "I don't pay nobody," Uribe responded. "That's why it took a long time. Pay $25,000? Hell no." A Dominican farmer claimed that Uribe shot him on Oct. 13 when he walked too close to Uribe's jeep following an argument. "The complainant dropped the charges and recognized that Juan was not involved in the incident," lawyer Maria Luisa Guzman told The Associated Press on Monday.

Who the hell started handing out guns to the Latinos? That's all we frigging need. Amigos, you can still get a lot accomplished with a sharpened blade. Ugueth Urbina didn't have any problem using a machete to tame his farm hands.

MMA loves drugs

Ultimate fighting pioneer Royce Gracie tested positive for a steroid after winning a fight earlier this month and could face a year's suspension, the head of the California Athletic Commission said Friday. The 40-year-old Gracie tested positive for a nandrolone metabolite steroid after beating Kazushi Sakuraba in a June 2 match. His A and B samples showed levels of over 50 for Nandrolone. A normal person registers a 2 and an athlete can go up to 6 on the register of the anabolic steroid Nandrolone.

Gracie said in an e-mail Friday "I will appeal the decision for sure, I have been a fighter for 14 years and have never taken any illegal substances, so I am sure this is just a misunderstanding." Since the commission's current drug testing program began on March 31, about 20 fighters have tested positive for banned drugs.

When you are going to dub your product 'ultimate' or 'extreme', you had better live up to it. Instead of having different weight classes, why not have different drug classes and let fighters dope with their drug of choice? Seeing two roid raging martial artists beating each other senseless would finally be worth the $50 pay per view. And could you imagine the fun in the cocaine division? Where else could you see two combatants enter the ring with their noses already bleeding?

Arrest warrant issued for Pacman Jones

If you guessed 216 days between arrests then you’ve won the Pacman Jones Las Vegas jackpot. Vegas authorities have finally issued an arrest warrant for everyone’s favorite CB Adam “Pacman” Jones. Surprisingly enough, it turns out that even in Sin City you can’t smack around broads and get away with it. Pacman is facing two felony counts that could result in a maximum of 12 years in the slammer. The Las Vegas district attorney said that, “[Pacman and his accomplices will] be given a reasonable amount of time to turn themselves in, and if they don’t, police will go looking for them."

I don’t even know what to say about Pacman anymore. Basically he’s my hero. There are 10 chances in 1 that we’ll be reading about him having been in a gentlemen's club just prior to turning himself into the Las Vegas police. And an even better chance that someone will get shot when he shows up later that night at my house with ten blind folded strippers.

Sammy slams 600

Last night, Sammy Sosa became the 5th player in major league history to hit 600 career dingers, corked bats and all. After driving a 1-2 pitch to right-centre for a solo shot in the fifth inning of Texas' 7-3 victory, Slammin' Sammy bounced out of the batter's box with his trademark hop and thrust his right fist into the air before reaching first base. He was mobbed at home plate by his teammates while the scoreboard showed pictures of all five members of the elite club: Hank Aaron, Barry Bonds, Babe Ruth, Willie Mays and Sosa. "It was something that cannot be explained," Sosa said. "Getting my 600th against the Chicago Cubs, and my first team (was) the Texas Rangers. It's liked everything clicked. My emotions, I don't know what they are."

For those keeping score at home, this still leaves Sosa 19 dingers behind Manuel Lee on the all time list of clean home-runs hit.

Baker sauced

Former NBA All-Star Vin Baker, whose 14-year career was marred by bouts of depression and alcoholism, was charged early Tuesday with drunken driving after leaving a casino. The 35-year-old Baker was spotted driving erratically after leaving Foxwoods Resort Casino, according to a state police report. He failed a sobriety test and was charged with driving while impaired.

Baker's alcoholism forced the Boston Celtics to cut him midway through the 2003-04 season. He later admitted drinking in his hotel room after playing poorly and showing up to practice with alcohol on his breath.

Vin Baker should learn that just because you are a fat, drunk gambler, it is no reason to model your retirement after Cecil Fielder. Sure losing all of your cash and making a public fool of yourself does sound glamorous, but you still need a safety net in place during your free fall. And by safety net I mean a son playing pro-ball who will let you crash on his sleeper-sofa. And feed you scraps under the table.

Loren Wade is an idiot

Former Arizona State running back Loren Wade was convicted this month of second-degree murder in the slaying of another ex-Sun Devils football player, who was shot outside a Scottsdale nightclub on March 26, 2005. Prosecutors claimed Falkner, 25, was shot because Wade, 23, saw him talking to his girlfriend. During the more than four-week trial, Deputy Maricopa County Attorney Juan Martinez told jurors that Falkner's death was premeditated murder -- saying Wade first pistol-whipped Falkner, then cocked the gun and fired while Falkner sat in the driver's seat of his car. Defense attorney Ulises Ferragut said Wade only intended to punch Falkner with the gun in his hand and it went off unintentionally. Wade now faces a maximum of 22 years in prison and a tryout with the Bengals.

Does this shit really happen? This plays out like the story line of some ghetto flick. At least it gives me hope that what I see in movies will come true. So tonight when I order pizza, the Swedish delivery girl will let me work off my bill by jackhammering her over the arm of my love seat. And then showing her the door.

Elin spits out Tiger-cub

Less than 24 hours after Tiger Woods finished second at the U.S. Open on Father's Day, his gorgeous Swedish wife gave birth to their first child, a daughter. He announced Monday night on his Web site that Sam Alexis Woods was born early Monday morning. Both Elin and Sam are doing well and resting peacefully," Woods wrote. "We want to thank our doctors and the hospital staff for all their dedicated and hard work. This is truly a special time in our lives and we look forward to introducing Sam to our family and friends over the next few weeks. We thank everyone for their well wishes and continued respect of our privacy."

It's a good thing Earl Woods is dead or Sam would already be out on the course with a 9-iron duct taped to her hands. Either way, she'll be moping the floor with Michelle Wie by the time she's old enough to walk.

Tennis star loves sluts

The fact that Tennis star Mark Philippoussis is appearing on NBC's reality TV show 'Age of Love' ala Jesse Palmer in an attempt to get laid find true love can only mean one thing: 2 inches.

Another Bengal arrested

So much for Ralph Goodell trying to stop Bengals from, well, being the Bengals. Running back Quincy Wilson was arrested for disorderly conduct during a wedding party celebration at a nightclub. Police say members of the wedding party refused to leave the area of the nightclub after officers ordered the crowd to disperse. The police report says it was important to get the crowd to leave that area because of a shots fired nearby and a stabbing that happened a week earlier.

With Quincy making NFL bank he could have at least sprung for a decent place for his friends to party that isn't home to a felony crime spree. Sure it may hit your wallet for $20k, but it is a hell of a lot cheaper than that suspension is going to cost you.

Arrington tastes pavement

Free-agent linebacker LaVar Arrington was seriously injured in a motorcycle accident in the Washington, D.C., area. Arrington suffered a broken bone in his arm, three broken bones in his leg, cuts and bruises. The injuries do not appear to be life-threatening. Arrington, a former Pro Bowl linebacker for the Washington Redskins, is not currently under contract to any team. The 28-year-old was still rehabbing an Achilles tendon tear that cut short his 2006 season with the New York Giants.

Well Kellen Winslow and Ben Roethlisberger now have company in the "almost killed myself on a motor bike" club. At least Arrington was wearing his helmet. That's some great intellect worth protecting there.

Pacman has a good posse

Suspended NFL player Adam "Pacman" Jones was being sought by police for questioning about a shooting early Monday involving members of his entourage after a fight at an Atlanta strip club. Jones, his group and three other people got into a fight, apparently over a woman, at a club around 4 a.m., officer Ariel Toledo said. After everyone involved left the strip club -- the three people in one car, and Jones and his entourage in three other cars -- someone in Jones' group shot at the car, and the others returned fire, Toledo said. "We believe he knows some of his entourage who were involved in the shooting," Toledo said. "On himself, we do not have any charges on him. He wasn't there when the shooting occurred." I've got to sit down with him and sit down with the police and figure out what we're looking at or if in fact he can even help them," Manny Arora said, Jones' attorney. "Once we agree to do that, I will do it very privately and we'll take care of it."

So this is how Pacman is changing his life? By not being the one to pull the trigger. Jones' posse has to realize that their gravy train is one shooting away from the unemployment line. When you hang your brother out to dry, you ain't a good friend. And this is said by a man who did his best friend's wife on top of his comatose body. But hey, when you can't take care of your own business, someone has to, yo.

Barnett goes clubbing

Green Bay Packers linebacker Nick Barnett was arrested early Sunday after a disturbance at a nightclub. Police said in a statement that Barnett was taken into custody for battery after allegedly being involved in a physical altercation about 2 a.m. at the Wet. In a statement the team said, "We are aware of the incident in Appleton involving Nick Barnett. The Packers organization is going to defer further comment until we have had a chance to speak with Nick and gather more facts."

How cliche are these types of arrests getting for the NFL? After Throwing Smoke studying football player arrests over the past 8 months, here is how they all play out:

1. Choose your type of club - Strip or Night
2. Choose your victim - Stripper, bouncer, another guy moving in on your chick.
3. Arrest and booking.
4. Trip to see Goodell
5. Repeat until career is over.

Edwards finally wins

On Sunday, Carl Edwards finally broke his 52 race drought, by winning Nascar's Nextel Cup race at Michigan International Raceway. This also ends a long ordeal for Edwards's childhood friend Tom Giacchi. Giaccih made a bet with Edwards in November 2005 that he wouldn't shave until Edwards won again. As Carl was coming off consecutive victories at Atlanta and Texas, it didn't seem like much of a bet. "At home a couple of times, I'd be in a Dairy Queen and Amish people would come in and they had huge beards also. I was like, 'Yeah, my brothers! I can work with them all day," joked Giacchi.

Let's just hope for Edwards' sake that his girlfriend didn't make the same bet 2 years ago, or he'd need a jungle machete to get laid.

Landry sacked

NFL rookie LaRon Landry was unable to practice when the Washington Redskins opened their minicamp Friday due to a paintball shot in the groin. The No. 6 overall pick in this year's draft was injured during a team-building outing Wednesday. "I didn't know paintball was that dangerous," linebacker Marcus Washington said. "I hope it wasn't friendly fire."

I have heard about rookie hazing, but this is pretty harsh. And how can you not know that firing hard plastic balls of paint out of a gun isn't dangerous? That is like not knowing that you'll catch AIDS playing tennis at Arthur Ashe stadium.

Cubs still fighting mad

I am not sure what is with Chicago of late, but the Cubs got into yet another fight this month; this time with the other team. After Chris Young goes high on Chicago's star Derek Lee, all hell breaks loose. The Cubs went on to lose this game 1-0 after a 9th inning dinger by Russell Branyan. When Chicago can't win by throwing baseballs, throwing fists is the only way they can leave the field feeling masculine. But desperate times call for desperate measures. Roll in the buffet and the large ladies for some slump busting.

Rison burns out....again

Former NFL and Michigan State receiver Andre Rison faces court-ordered bankruptcy to pay for more than $100,000 in back child support and legal fees. A courtroom deputy for U.S. Bankruptcy Court in Flint, said an order was entered June 6 to put Rison into Chapter 11 bankruptcy. Rison's ex-wife, Tonja Rison, is listed as one of the creditors. Her claim is for more than $58,000 in child support. An Atlanta law office is claiming another $46,000 in unpaid legal fees after defending Rison in another child support case with involving an ex-girlfriend.

Rison has yet become another statistic. According to a 2006 USA Today article, 78% of all NFL players are divorced, bankrupt or unemployed two years after leaving the game, according to Ken Ruettgers, a former player and current advocate for NFL players transitioning from professional sports.

It looks like Rison has completed the football loser's lifetime trifecta. But in a way I have to feel sorry for him. It is bad enough to have one baby's momma coming after you, let alone 2. His heart must be aching without Left-Eye Lopez alive to lend him a hand. And by hand I mean to light his house on fire so he can tell the judge he had the cash but it went up in smoke. If I'm lucky enough on EBay next week, my childhood dream will come true - to own a Green Bay Packer's Superbowl ring.

U.S. Open is a joke

Yet again, the USGA made a mockery of its tournament this past weekend. Angel Cabrera was the winner at 5 over par, beating Tiger Woods by a stroke. There were only 8 sub-par rounds in the entire tournament, with Cabrera having 2 of them.

With the golf course playing this brutal, it makes it as exciting to watch as the WNBA. Fans tune in to see the best players in the world make birdies, not struggle to make par for a pitty clap. If I wanted to see players shoot that much over par, I'd go watch the players at my local public course. Or Michelle Wie.

D-backs leave report behind

After the Diamondbacks were swept by the Yankees last week, they left their scouting report behind in the dugout by accident. It was found an an AP writer. Some of the excerpts were:

--Alex Rodriguez: "HOT right now. ... Chases a lot of BB's w/2-strikes, both away and in dirt. CH is fine when away. ... (vs. left-handers) Hard in, soft away. Ladder FB w/2-strikes."

--Derek Jeter: "Will bunt and H&R. ... Runs early. ... Struggles w/ball down/in and will chase SL away. ... Get ahead. Fairly aggressive so will need to mix pitches and locations 1st pitch."

--Bobby Abreu: "HOT right now. ... Good guy to crowd once you're ahead. Hammers 1st pitch FB's away w/RISP."

--Johnny Damon: "(vs. right-handers) Struggling w/soft stuff. ... (vs. left-handers) Keep honest w/FB up/in."

--Jorge Posada: "Sits on off-speed when pitcher is ahead. ... Good cripple hitter."

--Melky Cabrera: "Need to ladder the FB w/2-strikes. Chases up A LOT! ... Hacker throughout count

Considering the D-Backs won't see the Yankees again for a few years, I am not sure why this is such a big deal. But if I was still managing, I would leave a fake scouting report behind. What better way to get a batter out then with a fastball inside when they think an outside breaker is coming.

This reminds me of the time I offered Riddick Bowe some food stamps to go three rounds. Once the bell rang, I faked a punch to the head then kicked him in the nads, only to see him rolling in pain on the canvas. He should be thankful though; on my way out I left behind a mustard packet for him to eat for dinner.

Weekly Poll results

Throwing Smoke readers have weighed in on the Barry Bonds saga. The final results are:

Sure he cheated, but so did everyone! - 40.9%
He is a cheater and should go to hell - 40.9%
Don't care really. I wish this story would disappear - 18.2%
He did nothing wrong. Go Barry! - 0.0%

With Barry clubbing 748 on the weekend, after 8 more dingers, this story will disappear, though not in the way most baseball fans would like it to.

Thanks to all of those who voted and check out our new weekly web-poll - Which female athlete would you like to see in Playboy next?

Throwing Smoke Flashback - Amanda Beard on Letterman (6.05.07)

What better way to celebrate Father's Day then with this week's treat - Amanda Beard? Here is her appearence on the David Letterman show to promote her Playboy spread. I am just glad her photos can't talk.

Poet's Corner

Giambi's in shit,

Selig likely to suspend.

Cheaters never win.

Spurs sweep Cavs

In one of the most lopsided NBA finals in history, the San Antonio Spurs polished off the Cleveland Cavaliers with an 83-82 win, for a 4 game sweep. The Cavs seemed out matched in each game, with Lebron James being hot and cold throughout the series.

Can life get any better for Parker? I mean, now he has 3 trophies for his mantle - the NBA Championship, NBA Finals MVP and Eva Longoria. Although if I had to choose one, I would choose the MVP trophy. It has been touched by less man-whores than the other two.

Paralympian loves blow

Coming up with an even more ridiculous excuse than Floyd Landis for a positive test, the six-time paraplegic world champion Jeff Adams says an unknown woman stuffed cocaine into his mouth as he sat beside her on a sofa in the Toronto goth bar Vatikan. Adams said that bizarre scenario led to his positive doping test for cocaine at a race a week later in Ottawa. The six-time world champion from Brampton has been suspended for two years and stripped of his government funding in a decision released yesterday by the Canadian Centre for Ethics in Sport.

Hell, who hasn't has this happen to them at least once in their life? You don't hear me complain when bar sluts are shoving things in my face. Like the finger. Or mace.

NBA exposed

Within the last week, NBA sex offender Ruben Patterson and former NBA player Byron Houston where charged with additional sexual based offenses. Houston was arrested Wednesday on counts of indecent exposure, engaging in a lewd act and driving with a cancelled license. A woman called police around 5:45 p.m. Wednesday to report that a man was masturbating at an intersection in northwestern Oklahoma City, police Master Sgt. Gary Knight said. Officers found Houston in the driver's seat of a vehicle with his underwear on the floorboard.

In Patterson's case, he pleaded no contest last week for failing to register as a convicted sex offender after he moved into a new neighbourhood. In 2001, when Patterson played for the Portland Trail Blazers, he entered a modified guilty plea in Washington state to third-degree attempted rape for allegedly forcing his children's nanny to perform a sex act on him.

Don't they realize that being a pro athlete gets you a free ticket to Pussyville? The only baller who would need to resort to such measures would be Sam Cassell. I am not saying he is f-ugly, but lets just say if I was a hooker and he was approaching me for business, I would do without my heroin fix for the night.

Crosby wins trophies

At last night's NHL awards, 19 year old phenom Sidney Crosby took home 3 trophies, including the league's most valuable player award. "There's something above and beyond this I want to achieve but these are great honours," Crosby said.

Hopefully Crosby remembers Eric Lindros and realizes that all of his success at a young age can disappear with one huge hit. So he better cash in now while he's still relevant. Take fellow Canadian Mike Weir as an example; after his Masters win, he started cashing in with Mike Weir branded wines. And with all of the bitching and complaining Crosby does, a whiner-y would be a logical business venture!

Pimp my Steeler

Former NFL journeyman DL Bob Buczkowski pleaded guilty to helping run a million-dollar prostitution ring with his girlfriend out of his parents' suburban home. Buczkowski pleaded guilty this week to two counts of promoting prostitution, six counts of possessing and dealing cocaine and other charges. State prosecutors said Buczkowski was the muscle in the operation while his girlfriend was the madam.

This is the 2nd ex-Steeler to be charged with pimping in the last month. Not to mention the fact that their offensive line coach loves porn. It's no wonder Bill Cowher retired in January. Otherwise he might have seen his hot daughters pimped out in the Heinz Field parking lot for $50 a trick.

Pacman mans up

Throwing Smoke favorite Pacman Jones has dropped his appeal of a yearlong suspension Tuesday, pledging to repair an image that saw the Tennessee Titans cornerback's picture plastered in post offices across the country.

His decision came after a third meeting with commissioner Roger Goodell. "I understand my responsibilities to my teammates, the Titans and my fans and I am committed to turning my life around and being a positive member of the NFL," Jones said in a statement issued by newly hired agent Michael Huyghue. "Last week, I asked for an opportunity to meet privately with commissioner Goodell," Jones said. "I met with him earlier today to tell him about the steps I have taken to change my life since being suspended by the NFL. I accept the discipline that's been imposed on me and I am withdrawing my appeal."

Pacman owning up to his past and accepting his punishment? I guess Paris Hilton really is starting to have a positive influence on the world. And when they finally get around to sending Pacman to prison they should put him in a cell with her. And they could embark upon a journey of self-exploration and reflection together.

Such a meeting of the minds would have the power to solve all of the worlds problems. Either that or they'd end up having a lot of sex and terrorizing the world with their offspring.

Daly goes masochist

John Daly's wife is saying that he assaulted her and then covered up the incident by scratching his own face and claiming she attacked him. Sherrie Daly says her husband was drinking heavily last Thursday, the night before he called police, and "spun out of control," verbally assaulting a security guard and breaking the security gate at their home. Sherrie Daly said in the court filing that she was awoken that night by her husband making sexually offensive gestures and remarks before sexually assaulting her, causing unspecified injuries. She then called 911 and took their two sons to a neighbor's house.

"Mother would show that Father inflicted injury upon himself by scratching his face," Sherrie Daly said in her court petition. "Father accused Mother of attacking him with a knife and stabbing him in an attempt to cover up his sexual assault of Mother."

John Daly denied his wife's accusations. "It's just not true, Bub. It's just not true. That's all I can say," he told reporters.

Bubba Daly couldn't be any more white trash unless he was brewing hooch in the back of his motor home and showing up at PGA events in the General Lee. You could have told me Daly raped his sister and I would have winked and nodded knowingly. But assaulting your own wife for sex? That's so low even Jerry Springer won't touch it.

This story is getting better all the time. And by better I mean Fox better sign these two idiots to a reality series deal so that I can masturbate furiously next time Daly comes home drunk from the bar.

Lion tackle assaults stripper

A stripper is claiming she was inappropriately touched by Detroit Lions defensive tackle Shaun Rogers. The complaint was made to authorities early Friday by the woman, who dances at a club on Detroit's west side. Police have submitted a criminal sexual conduct warrant request to the prosecutor's office, but Miller said charges were not expected to be filed Monday. The Detroit police sex crimes unit also was investigating the complaint.

Hasn't Rogers heard of Niagara Falls. In those clubs, anything goes, yo. Looks like Tiny Shaun will be next in Goodell's Pavlov's dog experiment. Only instead of dogs, food and a bell, it involves NFL players, strippers and a lengthy suspension. I mean how many more players need to tango with some skanky rippers before they learn that these sluts aren’t worth their career. Granted, I've never had professional head.

Amanda Beard - Thanks Hef!

What you have all been waiting for?! Here is a link to Amanda's Beard's much anticipated Playboy pictures! Now use the money you save from having to purchase the magazine, and go buy some Bounty. Cause you're gonna need it.

Henry values his career

Already serving an 8-game suspension from the NFL, Bengals' wide-receiver Chris Henry is accused of breaking the law again. It has been reported that that Florence police interviewed Henry, along with Bengal Reggie McNeal on Tuesday. The two players may have been involved in assaulting a 16-year-old boy. Chris Henry, along with a few others, beat the 16-year-old so severely that he had to be treated at the hospital for his injuries. Police say the 16-year-old and an 18-year-old friend were walking near their home just after 11 p.m. Friday night when, they say a black Navigator or Escalade pulled up next to them. According to the police report, a white male jumped out and started punching the 16-year-old in the face. "From that, the victim tells us another gentleman got out of the same vehicle and in their attempt to get away, was shoved to the ground by this African American gentleman." The teen identified that man as Bengals receiver Chris Henry. The teen also alleges that they were throwing beer bottles at him as he tried to run away.

If this is true, it will likely spell the end of Henry's career as NFL commissioner Roger Goodell has said that he would be banished for life if there were any more mis-steps. Seriously, how freaking stupid does Henry have to be to beat up a teenager knowing it will cost him his job? If Joey Moss were capable of reading this story even he would declare Henry retarded.

Chad Johnson beats horses

Chad Johnson raced a horse on Saturday, in a charity event, and won easily. The Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver was waiting at the finish line when Restore the Roar arrived at the end of his one-eighth-mile gallop. Johnson was spotted a 100-meter lead -- roughly about half the distance the horse had to cover in the race. And when it was over, Johnson, as usual, was anything but humble, "Floyd Mayweather, you're next," Johnson said. "I want to fight you. I'd like to take Kobe and LeBron one-on-one. Jeff Gordon, we can take a couple laps. ... Now it's my time to take over the race world."

Big deal, Ocho Cinco can outrun a horse. I don't find that impressive considering I am hung like one. Just call me the human tripod.

Ichiro is picky

With the Seattle Mariners having to go to Cleveland this week to make up a game that was snowed out in April, Ichiro shared his thoughts about the city: "To tell the truth, I'm not excited to go to Cleveland, but we have to," Ichiro said through an interpreter. "If I ever saw myself saying I'm excited going to Cleveland, I'd punch myself in the face, because I'm lying."

I guess he isn't impressed with the Lake Erie Bass sushi rolls in C-town? Or the crack-whores passing themselves off as virgin geisha's? I would have thought that coming from a culture that watches fat people wrestle for entertainment, Ichiro would find Cleveland to be the perfect fit.

Blame Canada

During Saturday night's contest between the Toronto Blue Jays and the Los Angeles Dodgers, a security guard attempted to confiscate a Canadian flag from a fan. That provoked an angry confrontation with about 100 local expats attending the game. As Canadian Lee Fraser showed his national pride during the sixth inning, a single security staffer demanded he hand over his Maple Leaf. When Fraser refused, the guard found himself facing a patch of angry Canadians. "The whole crew went crazy," Fraser said. "They sent down three or four security guards, the LAPD. Because, you know, Canadians are such a big threat."

Wasn't baseball embarrassed enough when the US Marine Corps flew the Canadian flag upside down at the 1992 World Series? I find this very ironic, considering Canada has always been a safe-haven for dodgers over the years.

Daly misses the cut

John Daly told authorities his wife tried stab him with a steak knife, and the golfer had red marks on his cheeks when he showed up to play Friday on the course where he lives.Daly called police about 6 a.m. on Friday, Shelby County Sheriff's department spokesman Steve Shular said. When deputies arrived, wife Sherrie and the couple's children were not there. The 41-year-old golfer and his wife argued last night at a restaurant near the golf course, he told deputies. Authorities could not find the knife he claimed she used.

He did not speak with reporters, but issued a statement saying he was the "victim of an assault by my wife." "I filed a complaint with the Shelby County Sheriff's Office. They are investigating, and I'll have no further comment on the matter while they pursue their investigation. My only concern at this point is for the safety of my children and myself."

Sure, Daly is a fat lazy sloth, but how drunk slow do you have to be to endure multiple knife slashes to the face before laying out your old woman with a backhander? And seriously, given his large collection of empty JD bottles, I didn't even realize Daly had room in his Winnebago for a wife, little lone two kids. I'm sure this whole incident spiraled out of control once they closed down the buffet at Denny's. And he ended up having to fight his wife for the last piece of roast beef.

Johnson shocked at turn of events

Denver Nuggets reserve forward DerMarr Johnson was charged with resisting arrest and interfering with police during a disturbance outside a nightclub. Police said they used a taser to "calm" the 6-foot-9 player. "He apparently would not cooperate," police Lt. Randy Corbitt said. Johnson and two women were arrested, booked and released early Saturday. The women were charged with disturbing the peace. Johnson's lawyer said his client was breaking up a fight between the two women, "we are confident when all the facts come out it will be clear that DerMarr is innocent and did nothing wrong."

Wow, when it comes to NBA humanitarians, Johnson must rank only behind Manute Bol now. But unlike Bol who helps poor African's, Johnson helps break up a fight between two African American hood rats. Just wait for these supposed facts to come out. I would be willing to wager that one of the women is his girlfriend and the other is a slut he is banging on the side.

Morrison still fighting

Former heavyweight champion Tommy "the Aids" Morrison won his MMA debut Saturday night. Fighting in a cage on a clear night in the desert, Morrison knocked out John Stover (7-2) at 2:08 of the first round. Boos rained down as a panting Morrison raised his hand after breaking Stover's nose with a straight right.
Stover said he originally agreed to the bout despite a stipulation against grappling, a big disadvantage for the 340-pound Stover, who outweighed Morrison by 125 pounds. But an hour before the fight, Stover said he was told he would not be allowed to strike Morrison with his knees or feet.

The fight came one day after Morrison's former agent, Randy Lang, told The Arizona Republic the fighter tested positive for the HIV virus in mandatory blood tests for a boxing license. Lang said he stopped working for Morrison on Feb. 25 because the tests had been misrepresented by the boxer and promoter Peter McKinn. McKinn said Morrison did not have to take a blood test for the MMA fight. The bout was staged on the Yavapai-Apache Nation, outside's the state boxing commission's jurisdiction.

Stover must have been really desperate for cash to get in the ring with Morrison, especially after all of the rules were changed to ensure he lost the fight. And really, that just shows you how stupid he is, considering Stover could have made more money and reduced his risk of contracting HIV by working as a gay prostitute.

Hamilton is clueless

After becoming the first black driver in F1 history this year, Lewis Hamilton also became the first coloured driver to win an F1 race during Sunday's Canadian Grand Prix. Before the race, Hamilton said "I feel fantastic, I've never felt so good, so I'm looking forward to the race," When asked about whether that feeling included other pleasures away from the track, he added: "It's completely different, but, you know what, it is better than sex."

Is he serious? There is no way driving a car is better than sex. That is, unless you’re like me and spend your time cruising the back alleys looking for whores. For Hamilton to have said this his reference point for sexual experience is probably the lubed-up tailpipe of his McLaren.

Weekly Poll Results

Throwing Smoke readers have spoken; the hottest Russian tennis player is Anna Kournikova! The final results are:

Anna Kournikova - 60.9%
Maria Sharapova - 26.1%
Anastasia Myskina - 8.7%
Elena Dementieva - 4.3%

Thanks to those who voted! Check out this week's poll about Barry Bonds.