Thursday, May 31, 2007

A-Rod is still a bitch

After battling back in Wednesday's game against the Yankees, the Blue Jays found a new reason to hate Alex Rodriguez. The supposed superstar third baseman added another bush league play to his repertoire when he apparently shouted ''Mine'' on an infield fly as he rounded the bases in the ninth inning. Although he claims he only shouted ''Hah'' as he passed Howie Clark, who was camped under Jorge Posada's popper, the Blue Jays third baseman claimed he heard otherwise, assumed it was shortstop John McDonald and got out of the way. The misplay extended New York's lead to 8-5 and made the bottom of the ninth against Mariano Rivera irrelevant in what turned out to be a 10-5 victory over the Blue Jays. Had the ball been caught, the score would only have been 7-5.

''It's disappointing, that's not proper, that's not the right thing to do,'' said Jay's regular third baseman Troy Glaus. ''I've never seen it in 30 years, except in the movies.'' To which A-Rod rebutted ''All my guys in here think it's good,'' he added. ''I'm not that concerned because it happens to me three or four times a week.''

A-Rod plays dirty pool. This is probably worse than his famous “slap play” or the elbows he judiciously hands out to opponents. It’s time to call in a doctor to help cure douche-Rod of his recent spell of mental retardation. Only the prescription will be written by Doc Halladay. And the treatment will be a fastball to the nads.

Kobe wants out

Kobe Bryant asked to be traded from the Lakers on Wednesday, a day after calling the team's front office "a mess." He said there was nothing the Lakers could do to change his mind. "[The Lakers] obviously want to move in a different direction in terms of rebuilding," Bryant said, adding he could have opted to sign with the Los Angeles Clippers or Chicago Bulls instead. "Three years ago when I was re-signing they should have told me they wanted to rebuild." Asked if he had any preference for a trade destination, he said "At this point I'll go play on Pluto."

Later on Wednesday, Kobe backed off these trade demands; probably after they threatened to deal him to Denver. And I don’t blame him for not wanting to go back to Colorado. Sure the skiing is great but Kobe knows all too well how difficult it is to rape score with Colorado girls.

Stokke not stoked about attention

18 year old high-school athlete Allison Stokke is tired of the world-wide attention she is getting due to her looks. During her stellar high school track and field career, Stokke had won a 2004 California state pole vaulting title, broken five national records and earned a scholarship to the University of California, yet only track devotees had noticed. Then this month, pictures of her adjusting her hair at a track meet in New York had been plastered across the Internet and became an over night sensation. A three-minute video of Stokke standing against a wall and analyzing her performance at another meet is popular on YouTube, having been viewed over 300,000 times. "I just want to find some way to get this all under control," Stokke told her coach. It looks like she, unfortunately, has no interest in becoming the next Amy Acuff.

When you are young, beautiful and can handle a pole, of course men all over the world will be intrigued. In amateur athletics, being hot is the only way to get your sport exposed to the masses. And a call to Hef never hurts either.

Patriot goes swimming

This past weekend, Patriots defensive end Marquise Hill and a female friend had some fun water jet skiing without life vests. Things got out of control though after they ventured into a major shipping lane and fell off their skis and into some swirling currents. The woman survived by grabbing a buoy and holding onto it until she was rescued. The 24-year-old Hill, who friends described as a good swimmer, drifted away and disappeared until searchers pulled his body from the water on Monday afternoon, about 17 hours after the accident. "He was a hero until the end," his cousin told reporters later.

I am not sure how hero fits into this when he was on the water without a life jacket, and probably intoxicated. If this is what makes you a hero, then given the amount of time I spend downing six-packs while bass fishing, I should have a national holiday named after me.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Anna on the block

Finally! Anna Kournikova has split from her boyfriend of 6 years, Latin douchebag Enrique Iglesias after he publicly stated he had no intention of marrying the former tennis star.

Sorry, no time to write; gotta book 2 plane tickets to Florida. One for me and one for my thick 8.

A-Rod goes all the way

Yankees superstar Alex Rodriguez was caught with an unknown busty blonde in Toronto, during the Yankees 3-game series with the Blue Jays. The pair dined with friends at an expensive steakhouse late Sunday night, then headed to a glitzy strip club before making their way to his hotel, where the pair ducked into an elevator and headed upstairs just after midnight. Cynthia Rodriguez - A-Rod's wife, and mother of their 2 1/2-year-old daughter, was nowhere to be found. Also suspicious is how Rodriguez took a room at Toronto's Four Seasons hotel - down the street from the Park Hyatt, where most, if not all of his Yankee teammates and coaches are staying during a three-game stint that ends tonight. "No comment," Rodriguez said when The Post asked him about his north-of-the-border jaunt with the blonde.

Looks like A-Rod is hitting homers on and off the field this year. If he thought that the lappers at the Brass Rail were expensive, he ain’t seen nothing yet. From what sports has taught us about love, A-Rod now has only 3 options:

1. Kobe’s way – bring home a ton of bling to keep the wife quiet

2. Jordan’s plan – cough up a hundred million for your freedom

3. OJ’s solution – knock off Cynthia and spend the rest of your life looking for the real killers golfing

Either way, this is an expensive proposition, especially if your next stupid move is to get a lawyer referral from Michael Strahan.

Buss Busted!

Los Angeles Lakers owner Jerry Buss was arrested early Tuesday for driving under the influence of alcohol. The 74-year-old Buss was taken into custody shortly before 1 a.m. after he drove his gold Mercedes-Benz down the wrong way of a street. "Although I was driving only a short distance, it was a bad decision and I was wrong to do it," Buss said in a statement issued by the Lakers. "It was a mistake I will not make again." A 23-year-old woman was in the vehicle with Buss when the incident occurred.

If I was geriatric escorting a young woman around L.A. I would do anything possible to make sure people knew about it. Sure a DUI is a little extreme, but when the grim reaper is closing in, you gotta get the word out fast. Hopefully for Buss, he hadn’t already popped his Viagra, because sporting wood while behind bars can only get you into trouble.

Starr loved box

An 81-year-old Texas woman has pleaded guilty to trying to extort $2 million from Packer’s legend Bart Starr. Ruby Y. Young of Kerrville pleaded guilty Friday in U.S. District Court and received a probated sentence and agreed not to have any contact with Starr or his family. Young was accused of mailing letters to the 73-year-old Starr last year with the intent to extort money under "a threat to injure the reputation" of the Hall of Fame quarterback. . The letters threatened to reveal an alleged relationship they had nearly 50 years ago.

Unless it is a World War, no one cares what happened 50 years ago, especially if it’s a story about an athlete’s sex-capade. Athletes have been romping with groupies since the time of Homo Erectus. And no, I’m not referring to Piazza’s time with the Mets.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Predators now the hunted

Craig Leipold, owner of the NHL’s Nashville Predators confirmed Thursday that he has signed a letter of intent to sell the franchise to Canadian billionaire Jim Balsillie for $220 million after losing $70 million in 10 years of ownership. "I'm tired of losing money," Leipold said. "I found someone willing to step up and invest in this team and make it happen. I have come to the conclusion that I cannot make it work here. We are one of the elite teams, and we are by far the lowest-revenue team in the league," he said.

Hockey is a lost cause in Nashville. Unless Paul Kariya gets caught receiving oral from Carrie Underwood in the arena parking lot, the team will always be back page fodder. The next step in this process is for Balsillie to go Robert Irsay and rent a fleet of Mayflower moving trucks—destination Canada.

Tocchet is guilty

Former NHL player Rick Tocchet pleaded guilty Friday to running a sports gambling ring but might not have to serve any jail time. Tocchet, who played for six NHL teams in a 22-year career, is on leave from his job as an assistant coach for the Phoenix Coyotes. He pleaded guilty to charges of conspiracy to promote gambling and promoting gambling. The more serious suspicions when the case erupted 15 months ago were not substantiated. There did not seem to be mob ties or betting on hockey or any involvement by Janet Jones-Gretzky.

When all was said and done, this story was as exciting as a Coyotes home game. At least when Pete Rose’s scandal played out, it had the taste of blood with Bart Giamotti croaking in the end. We can only hope hockey is that lucky. I am not saying that Gary Bettman has ruined the game during his tenure, but if I see another glowing puck, I will lock him in a room with Bob Probert and an 8-ball.

Shaq's Big Challenge

ABC has announced that it will broadcast a new reality TV show this summer featuring Shaquille O’Neal. The show called “Shaq’s Big Challenge” will feature Shaq teaching a bunch of overweight kids how to lose weight and live healthy.

According to the show’s website, Shaq and his hand-picked “dream team” of experts embark on a crusade to help transform six obese middle school youngsters from Florida into healthy, fit kids - and along the way, demonstrate how other communities nationwide can help fight childhood obesity. He puts six obese youngsters through the most intense, emotional and rewarding time of their young lives.

This is a sad publicity stunt. If Shaq really wanted to make a difference in America he would set up a fat-camp to help former pro-athletes who’ve packed on the pounds post-retirement. I have no desire to continue watching HD coverage of Charles Barkley and Magic Johnson’s multiple chins swaying too and fro while they commentate the NBA playoffs. And seriously, what gives with Magic? Next to Jenny Craig, AIDS is the best weight loss system around.

Monday, May 28, 2007

Franchitti wins at Indy

Dario Franchitti won a rain soaked and shortened Indianapolis 500 on Sunday. Franchitti inherited the lead when the leaders pitted one last time for fuel, even as the skies darkened, and then drove slowly to the checkered flag in a downpour when the race was stopped after 166 laps, or 415 of the scheduled 500 miles. Super hottie Danica Patrick was the top woman in the field, finishing 8th.

Sadly, this year’s race sounded exactly like how my rendez-vous with Danica would end up; overhyped, wet and ending pre-maturely.

Coach says Bengals are police target

Cincinnati Bengals head coach Marvin Lewis apologized for comments he made last week about Cincinnati police targeting his players. In response to Chris Henry’s recent traffic citation Lewis told ESPN: “I think there's profiling, no question. We're [Cincinnati] a small place, our guys stand out, and they know that and you've got to do things the right way, but when you are arrested for, or you are pulled over for not putting on your turn signal, there's something wrong there. Many people make right turns without putting on their turn signals and that's unfortunate that we've had a guy [Chris Henry] that's pulled over for not putting on his turn signal.”

He later clarified his comments, “At no point did I say or mean to imply that these issues had anything to do with race. When I spoke of our players being perhaps more subject to scrutiny than others, I was referring to their standing as public figures.”

Marvin. Yo. Reality check time. Your players are being targeted because they’re a bunch of thugs, not because they’re black. If I were a Cincinnati taxpayer I’d be pissed-off if the police force WASN’T profiling your team.

Sunday, May 27, 2007

Throwing Smoke Flashback - 1990/91 Stanley Cup Finals

Ever wonder what NHL players say to each other in the quest for Lord Stanley's mug? Kevin Stevens and Brian Trottier tell you what's on their minds. To celebrate the team's eventual Stanley Cup win, Stevens no doubt snorted an eight ball out of the Cup with hookers in each arm.

Editors' Note: We have no affiliation with the site mentioned on the video. We just wanted to post this video before the Stanley Cup Finals starts on Monday.

Saturday, May 26, 2007

Poet's Corner

We can respect Bjarne Riis,
for admitting he was wrong,
Was doped for his '96 Tour win,
Now he sings an honest song.

Take note Floyd Landis,
For this is what you should do,
The longer this drags on,
The bigger jack-ass are you.

Friday, May 25, 2007

Aaron is a bitter old man

When Barry Bonds is close to breaking baseball's biggest record, Hank Aaron won't be around. "I will never reconsider my decision," Aaron told The Associated Press in a telephone interview Tuesday. When asked why, Aaron said: "I traveled for 23 years, and I just get tired of traveling. I'm not going to fly to go see somebody hit a home run, no matter whether it is Barry or Babe Ruth or Lou Gehrig or whoever it may be. I'm not going any place. I wish him all the luck in the world." Aaron said he had no wisdom for Bonds as the Giants slugger pursued the mark. "I don't have any advice whatsoever, no advice to anybody," Aaron said.

It is sad to see heroes age isn't it? Aaron has turned from a likable person into a bitter old man. All that is left to complete his aging process is to start driving around with his blinker flashing. And then die.

Portis defends dog fighting

Redskins star running back Clinton Portis has come to the defense of Michael Vick saying that even if Vick was involved in dog fighting that he shouldn’t be punished. "I don't know if he was fighting dogs or not, but it's his property, it's his dog. If that's what he wants to do, do it. I think people should mind their business.” When told that dog fighting is a felony, Portis replied, “It can't be too bad of a crime. I know a lot of back roads [in Mississippi] that have the dog fighting if you want to go see it.”

So basically we can assume from this that Clinton Portis is a big dog fighting fan. And from what people are saying, dog fighting is quite prevalent amongst NFL and NBA players. I honestly don’t get it though, cause if I earned that kind of bank I’d be involved in jungle cats. What better way to settle that age-old debate of who’s the king of the jungle by having lions square off against cheetahs, jaguars, and tigers. Although I’m not sure we'd really learn anything as the Bengal Tiger would just end-up dropping the lion with his glock.

NY Rangers are perverts

A former New York Rangers cheerleader who sued Madison Square Garden for sexual discrimination has filed hundreds of pages of documents to support her claims against her former employer. Courtney Prince said in an affidavit dated Wednesday that her MSG bosses asked her to deliver messages to other cheerleaders that included stuffing their bras, losing weight and looking more presentable. Prince, 29, said MSG failed to properly protect the dozen skating cheerleaders from being touched inappropriately when they went into the crowd at games and required them to be glamorous and to wear padded bras, fake eyelashes and hairpieces. She said she was fired that January after warning fellow cheerleaders that at least one member of management was a sexual predator. The U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission has recommended that MSG have its employees undergo sexual harassment discrimination training and pay Prince $800,000 in damages.

Hot cheerleaders + nerdy office executives with power = recipe for disaster. I mean come on, this way of treating women may have worked in the 1950’s, but this is the new millennium, yo. Nowadays, everybody knows that to score a hot slut, you just need to get a few drinks in her first.

Matthews hits the wall

With Gary Matthews Jr. being involved in the performance enhancing drug scandal this year in baseball, you have to think Bud Selig wished that was a real car and he was behind the wheel with the pedal to the metal.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Giambi is a hypocrite

Days after Jason Giambi told baseball that it should come clean, word surfaced that he failed an amphetamines test last April. Last week, Giambi was quoted as saying “What we should have done a long time ago was stand up -- players, ownership, everybody -- We made a mistake. We should have apologized back then and made sure we had a rule in place and gone forward. ... Steroids and all of that was a part of history. But it was a topic that everybody wanted to avoid. Nobody wanted to talk about it."

It is believed that Giambi told a grand jury during the BALCO investigation in December 2003 that he used steroids and human growth hormone. Before the start of spring training in 2005, Giambi made repeated general apologies at a news conference but wouldn't discuss any use of steroids.

Well Jason, its time to stand up and admit what you did, or spend the rest of your career looking ridiculous like Rafael Palmeiro. This has to be more embarrassing for Giambi than if he were to have a visible hard-on while being interview by a female reporter. Although the embarrassment would result mostly from his wood being only a few inches after years of drug abuse.

Devil Rays are the new Bengals

Yesterday, the wife of Tampa Bay Devil Rays rookie outfielder Elijah Dukes filed for a restraining order against her husband and said she fears for her life. NiShea Gilbert, a middle-school teacher, said that Dukes allegedly burst into her classroom at lunchtime in April. A frightened Gilbert then ran to the principal and got a deputy, who banished Dukes from the school. Gilbert told a Florida court that Dukes threatened to kill her and sent her a photo of a handgun to her cell phone. Gilbert played a voice mail allegedly from Dukes for the newspaper. "You dead, dawg. I ain't even [expletive]. Your kids, too."

For a team already harbouring misfits Delmon Young and BJ Upton, you have to wonder what the hell is going on with the Devil Ray’s farm system. It’s time for D-Rays special assistant Fred McGriff – the crime dog, to take a bite out of crime. Sure he may look funny showing up to minor league games in a dog suit and a trench coat, but when he mounts your leg and starts dry humping you into submission you know he means business.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Ohno is the dance king

Last night while renovating my family room, I may have seen a few minutes (or the entire season) of Dancing with the Stars. Like Emmitt Smith last year, some prominent athletes were in the dance-off. Tween heart-throb Apolo Anton Ohno and women’s undefeated boxing champion, Laila Ali were in the finals against a supposed straight former boy band member. When the votes were tallied, short (track) speed skater Apolo Ohno took home the trophy and title as 2007 Dancing with the Stars Champion.

If Lalia were a true champion like her father she would have taken home the trophy regardless. Either by dancing like a butterfly or dropping that douche Ohno with a right-cross to the chops and walking off with the prize.

Oden to be a Jail Blazer

The NBA draft lottery was held last night and congratlations to the Portland Trail Blazers for winning the Greg Oden sweepstakes. As we are not huge basketball fans, it looks like we missed the news of Robert Parish learning to break the space-time conintum to re-enter the 2007 NBA draft. It goes to show, a good porn moustache never goes out of style.

Foreman is (a) dope

In his recently-published memoirs, "God in My Corner," Former Heavyweight Champ George Foreman says he was drugged just before the famous “Rumble in the Jungle” title fight with Ali in the Congo. Foreman was a heavy favorite to beat Ali, but he deflected or absorbed Foreman's punches as he leaned against the ropes, allowing Foreman to tire himself out in the tropical heat. He knocked Foreman out in the eighth round for the title. But Foreman, now 58, says something else tired him. In his memoirs he says before the fight, his trainer gave him something to drink that tasted like medicine.

"I almost spit it out ... [I told my trainer] 'Man, I know this water has medicine in it,'" Foreman wrote. "I climbed into the ring with that medicinal taste still lingering in my mouth." "After the third round, I was as tired as if I had fought 15 rounds. What's going on here? Did someone slip a drug in my water?" he wrote.

This calls for a rematch between Ali and the Grill King. But for Foreman’s sake, he had better hope that Ali is the one medicated for the fight this time. Ali doesn’t sting like a bee anymore but if he forgets his Parkinsons pills, he regains his lightning quick hands.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Former NBA coke-head kidnapped and beaten

Howard Porter, a failed NBA player who never lived up to they hype after staring for Villanova during college, was found severely beaten after a mysterious disappearance over the weekend.

Porter was drafted by Chicago in 1971 and after his professional career didn't live up to expectations he became addicted to cocaine. He eventually ran out of money and was living on his mother’s couch when he decided to enter rehab. His desires to help junkies put their lives back together led him to become a probation officer.

Police are not saying if this latest brush with death is a result of Porter’s involvement in law enforcement but I’m thinking this is exactly what you can expect when a baller ends up working on the other side of the law.

Shaq’s got a lot to look forward to after this NBA career is done. Hopefully he’s smart enough to realize that he’ll need more than a movie-prop lamp and an oriental rug when he hits the streets to fight crime.

Bengals are dumb

Starting where they left off last season, Cincinnati Bengals linebacker A.J. Nicholson was arrested on a domestic violence charge Friday, the first brush with the law of a Bengals' player since commissioner Roger Goodell cracked down on misconduct last month. The team had gone an astounding 4 months since the last arrest. Police in nearby Taylor Mill, Ky., arrested Nicholson after a woman called 911 saying she had been hit in the face and suffered an injury by her eye. A.J. was charged with fourth-degree assault, a misdemeanour.

On Monday the Bengals released Nicholson, hours after he pleaded not guilty to a charge that he hit his girlfriend. She insists she accidentally hit herself with a cell phone, and police misread what happened.

It is a good thing for AJ's girlfriend that she only got hit in the face and not sodomized. I don't think anyone would have believed her when she recanted her original story by saying she tripped and landed on the wrong end of her mop.

Jet gets grounded

Even the Memorial Day long weekend didn’t stop NFL players from getting handcuffed. Jets pro-bowl kick returner Justin Miller was arrested early Sunday and charged with third-degree misdemeanor assault after he allegedly punched a woman in a New York City nightclub. Police said Miller was swinging at a man, but hit the woman after the man ducked. The woman has a laceration on her face and swelling and pain in her knee.

Abusing women at a night club, that’s so passé. Pacman was doing that ages ago. I’ll take Miller more seriously once he makes it rain like Pacman. Or a Cherokee shaman.

Broncos now getting players arrested

David Kircus of the Denver Broncos was arrested Monday for assault. Kircus, you may recall, resumed his NFL career last year after spending time away from football making sandwiches at Subway. Kircus had been invited to a house party last weekend but he got into a disagreement there with the woman who invited him, authorities said. The man who owned the home was struck in the face after repeatedly asking Kircus to leave. The man was left with broken facial bones and was treated at a hospital. If convicted, Kircus could be sentenced from two to six years in prison. "Obviously, if he didn't handle himself the right way, he won't be with us," Mike Shanahan said of the backup receiver and return specialist who joined the team last season.

Who isn’t getting tired of seeing NFL players taking their high paying jobs for granted? Kircus will probably be charged by police, subsequently released by the Broncos and back making assorted subs by next week. And where will that leave me? Sure I’ll still have my stunning good looks and huge wang, but losing my job to Kircus a second time is too much for this sandwich artist to bear.

Monday, May 21, 2007

Vick and Pacman in a race to see who gets arrested first

The lead investigator in the case of dog-fighting accusations against Atlanta quarterback Michael Vick claims that there is substantial evidence that Vick was directly involved in the dog-fighting ring operating out of one of his properties in Virginia. There are rumours that videotapes exist of Vick placing him at dog-fight matches on the property which could eventually lead to criminal charges against him. Vick is now being advised by his lawyers to no longer comment on the investigation.

Even Vick’s friends are telling the police that he’s the ring leader of the dog fight club so I’m not sure he’ll be able to shake this tackle. The evidence is so profound that members of the U.S. congress are threatening action against the NFL if they don’t punish Vick.

At this rate the NFL will need to start importing football players from Canada to fill their rosters next season. Although that might actually end up making the Raiders better.

Saturday, May 19, 2007

Poet's Corner

Farnsworth blasts the Rocket,
For being a bad teammate,
Clemens' fat ass should be on the bench,
On off-day's, while his team's at the plate.

When you dedice to come back,
And get paid $20 mill,
The least you could do,
Is be there when not on the hill.

Friday, May 18, 2007

Pacman breaks the law (again)

Pacman Jones was cited for speeding and driving without a license just 4 days before a hearing with NFL commissioner Roger Goodell. Pacman met with Goodell last Friday to plead his case for leniency after being slapped with a year long suspension for conduct detrimental to the league.

I’m guessing this latest incident with the cops didn’t help his case for a reduced suspension. It’s kind of like the original disciplinary hearing he had with Goodell. The commish was reportedly set to give Pacman a six-month suspension but upped it to a full-year when he found out Jones visited a strip club the night before.

It’s not like anyone is expecting Pacman Jones to transform into Mother Teresa, but even kids with Tourettes syndrome have more sense than this.

And speaking of Pacman, we here at the Smoke have gone high-tech. Our new java feature to the right of the screen offers you minute-by-minute coverage of the time elapsed between Pacman’s arrests. Place your bets quickly cause the Las Vegas district attorney is still considering issuing a warrant stemming from that little incident at the Minxx nightclub.

Landis versus the world

Testifying in the fourth day of Landis’ Tour de France doping hearing at the Pepperdine University law school, Greg LeMond, a three-time winner of the Tour de France, disclosed that he’d been sexually abused as a child and that he received an intimidating phone call Wednesday night from Floyd Landis’ manager that referred to the abuse. LeMond said the call came at 6:53 p.m. Wednesday. The caller said, “Hi, Greg, this is your uncle,” adding a moment later, “I’ll be there tomorrow and we can talk about how we used to hide your weenie.” LeMond’s Verizon cellular phone recorded the number -- a number from the 949 area code that’s listed on a business card belonging to Will Geoghegan, Landis’ manager. Greg filed a police report about this incident.

The phone call was thought to be be an attempt to intimidate LeMond, who was to testify that Landis had admitted, in an indirect way that he was doped up during last year's Tour.

During that call, LeMond said, he shared with Landis a secret that he had been sexually abused as a child. LeMond said he shared his secret with Landis in the hope that doing so would encourage him to come forward with whatever secrets he might have.

“I was very clear that I did not judge if he did or didn’t [dope],” LeMond said, adding a moment later that he told Landis, “I don’t know if you did or didn’t but if you did you could single-handedly change the sport, you could salvage the sport. I would hope, I would encourage you, to come clean.”

“At this point,” LeMond said, recalling the telephone conversation, Landis said, “I don’t see what good it would do. If I did, it would destroy a lot of my friends and hurt a lot of people.”

This entire story is going from ridiculous to Mike Tyson ridiculous. As the hearing continues, I fully expect to see a dozen leprechauns ride into the courtroom on a unicorn testifying how they spiked Landis' drinks during the tour. If they can't clean up the sport they might as well even the field by putting engines on everyone's bikes and call it motocross.

McNair arrested

Baltimore Ravens quarterback Steve McNair was charged with driving under the influence last week even though police said his brother-in-law was behind the wheel of the pickup registered to the former Tennessee Titan. Although McNair was just a passenger, he was charged with a misdemeanor under a Tennessee law that prohibits a vehicle owner from letting it be driven by someone who is inebriated. The driver, 31-year-old Jamie Cartwright, smelled of alcohol, failed a field sobriety test and refused to take a breath alcohol test, police said.

Why would you let a drunk drive your car in the first place? That is unless you were paranoid that Ray Lewis had a hit out on you for not leading the team the Super Bowl. In which case, having a decoy behind the wheel is genius. Riding shotgun with a drunken driver is better then seeing Lewis's limo pull-up beside the driver's side of your ride with a red laser pointed at your temple.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Virginia Tech can't recruit

Citing the April 16 campus shootings at Virginia Tech, basketball recruit Augustus Gilchrist said he is “not mentally prepared” to honor his letter of intent and will not play for the Hokies next season. “I want to send my condolences to the families and the victims. It's a terrible situation that happened. The campus needs time to mourn the first year. I don't know if I'm prepared to do that next year.”

You can’t blame a kid for being terrified to step foot on this campus. Who would bother risking their lives to play college ball, never mind the fact that the Vick brothers probably left the campus with a rampant STD problem.

New doping scandal hits baseball

A former clubhouse employee of the New York Mets has pleaded guilty to distributing performance-enhancing drugs to dozens of major league players and is cooperating with baseball's steroids investigation. Kirk Radomski, who worked for the Mets from 1985-1995 admitted to providing anabolic steroids, human growth hormone, Clenbuterol, amphetamines and other drugs to “dozens of current and former Major League Baseball players, and associates, on teams throughout Major League Baseball.”

Insiders are saying that this scandal will be larger than BALCO, which itself snared baseball stars such as Jose Cansenco, Mark McGwire, Barry Bonds and Rafael Palmiero. Radomski was quoted to have told police that if they thought the allegations in Jose Canseco's book were explosive, “they would be blown away” by what he could report.

The anticipation of finding out which Mets players were juicing is killing me. There’s no shortage of potential candidates considering that Mets rosters back then were littered with thugs and criminals. Who isn’t expecting Darryl Strawberry and Doc Gooden to be named in this scandal? Although the chances of Doc and Straw getting off are pretty good. The “I snorted everything in sight without regard” defense should prove to be iron clad.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Griffey is a giver

In last Friday's Reds/Dodger's game, a fan seated behind the Reds dugout, was heckling Ken Griffey Jr. all game long on Friday before Griffey turned the tables on him. Matt Schafer, 25, wrote on his MySpace page. "I was going to try and get in Ken Griffey Jr.'s head a little bit. He had to walk right by us to get to the dugout and I just couldn't help myself. So I started with the basics: 'you suck ... shouldn't you be on the D.L. ... too old for center ... that kind of stuff."

Griffey said he was happy to play along. "He was just on me every time I came in," Griffey said. "Him being a little larger than normal, I just asked, 'Shouldn't you be wearing a support bra?"

In the sixth inning, Griffey sent someone back to the Reds clubhouse to fetch the largest athletic supporter he could find; size-XXL athletic supporter (Editors note: this is also my pouch size). The accomplice wrote the number "3" and "JR" on the waistband, and Griffey put the supporter in a brown paper bag, rolled it up and tossed it to Schafer when he ran back onto the field.

"He was like, 'Whoa!'" Griffey told the Cincnnati Enquirer. "I turned around before all that stuff happened, but I could hear that section just laughing. Then I turned around and just saw him twirling it in the air like a helicopter."

"When Griffey came back in, I told him I was sorry about what [I] said about his mom and that I wanted to make up," Schafer wrote on his MySpace page. "He shot me a grin. When he came out in the 8th [inning] he shot me another smile and I told him he still has the greatest swing in baseball. I hope he heard me, I think he did. I love Griffey."

Good thing for Schafer it was the Reds in town and not the Athletics. Becuase if he started to get on Mike Piazza's case, Schafer would have been tossed a hotel room key and a butt plug.

Mateo beats wife

Mariners reliever Julio Mateo was arraigned on third-degree assault charges last weekend after allegedly eating, biting and choking his wife. She suffered a black eye and needed five stitches on her lip as a result of the bite. Previously police were called Mateo's home on the morning of April 28th after a dispatcher reported hearing a heated argument and two hang-up calls to 911. When two officers arrived, they found Mateo's wife, Aurea Mateo, and her sister crying in the hallway near two broken phones. Police said Mateo's wife put her hand on her neck and stuck out her tongue, as if she was being choked. Mateo's wife and sister-in-law do not speak English and declined to talk with responding officers about the broken phones. Neither would admit to being hurt or needing medical assistance, according to the police report. He has subsequently been sent to AAA.

The demotion seems a bit harsh for a team hovering around .500. As the only pitcher beating someone on a regular basis Mateo should be seen an inspiration for the entire staff.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Favre is pissed mad

In interviews during his annual charity golf tournament in Tunica, Miss., quarterback Brett Favre acknowledged that he felt the Packers missed an opportunity to add a significant piece to their offense by not acquiring Randy Moss. "It is disappointing," Favre said on Saturday. "We could have gotten him for less money than New England did. He wanted to play in Green Bay for the amount of money we would have paid him. It [was] well worth the risk."

We understand where the Packers are coming from by not wanting that fungus Moss around. It's just like how I don't really want my jock itch back either. But with Favre's medical history, the Pack had better be careful not to piss him off further or this story will end in only 1 of 2 ways - Favre retiring or them finding him hunched over a Lambeau field shitter after an overdose.

Seigler is (a) pimp

Richard Seigler, a former Steelers linebacker, is accused of pimping and appeared in Pittsburgh night court early Friday, hours after he was released from the team. Seigler is facing three prostitution-related felonies as authorities accuse Seigler of persuading a woman to become a prostitute, paying for her plane ticket from Spokane, Wash., to Las Vegas, where she engaged in prostitution, and taking some or all of the earnings, according to a criminal complaint filed in Las Vegas Justice Court. Dave Lockett, a Steelers spokesman, said team officials were aware that there were charges pending against Seigler. He declined to comment further.

I personally think it was great to see Seigler trying to plan a business for life after football. To his defense, the Steelers' code of conduct does have some inconsistencies in it. Like when it comes to unprotected head, the Ben Roethlisbeger incident makes it seem acceptable.

Monday, May 14, 2007

Former Tiger declawed

Former Detroit Tiger Ronald LeFlore was arrested Saturday while signing autographs for fans at Gibraltar Trade Center in Mount Clemens on outstanding warrants for failing to pay child support. He was arrested for the same offence in 1999. LeFlore was signing autographs for $4 each at the trade center with former Detroit Tigers pitcher Mickey Lolich when police entered the facility and took him into custody. He owes approximately $48,000 in past child support bills, police said. LeFlore, who played six seasons with the Tigers, was the subject of a 1978 movie, "One in a Million: The Ron LeFlore Story," about his rise as a baseball player after being a prison inmate.

Considering I have no clue who this guy is, he will be hard pressed to find 12,000 people to pay for his signature to cover his child support. He would probably have better luck using the other means of getting fast cash in Detroit - stealing hub-caps.

O'Hair goes for a $700,000 drink

At the PGA Players Champtionship on Sunday, Phil Mickelson and Sean O'Hair were going shot for shot until the famous 17th island green. O'Hair was 2 shots down and had to make his move. He felt he had no choice but to go after the pin on the 17th, and was shocked when his 9-iron sailed over the green. He hit another ball in the water from the drop area and wound up with a quadruple-bogey 7, and his bogey on the 18th hole gave him a 76 and dropped him from second place to 11th place, the difference of $747,000.

It was a good thing for Sean that he previously broke the contract with his dad, which saw him collect 10% of his son's career winnings. If this was still in place, his father would have tanned his ass to the tune of $75,000. At least Sean doesn't go home empty handed. Just instead of a big cheque and the crystal winner's trophy, O'Hair leaves with cab fare a tin cup.

Williams loves pot

Former NFL rushing champion Ricky Williams tested positive again for marijuana last month, which will delay his return to the league until at least September, a person familiar with the case said Friday. Williams, through his agent, Leigh Steinberg, issued a statement to The Associated Press on Friday night:

"Due to the recent reports about me failing a drug test, I feel it is appropriate for me to issue this statement. Last month, following a psychological evaluation requested by the NFL, we -- the psychiatrist and I -- came to the realization that there were a few things I needed to iron out about myself in order to make my return to the NFL as successful as possible. I am an honest, God-fearing man who is intensely dedicated to being the best person I can be on and off the football field. There is no need to smear my name or to defame my character for the sake of news. When the time is right, God willing, I will be back on the field scoring touchdowns for whatever team is fortunate enough to believe in me."

Too bad the only team Ricky will be scoring touchdowns for will be the Toronto Argonauts. And instead of making large bank in the NFL, he will be lucky to pay his rent on a CFL salary. But at least he can smoke up in Canada without fear of persecution!

Sunday, May 13, 2007

Throwing Smoke Flashback - Mike Tyson

With last weekend being the last big boxing event of this generation, nothing personifies the death of the sport like a classic Mike Tyson sound-"bite". Keep your ears on for this!

Saturday, May 12, 2007

Poet's Corner - Tanka

Ted Saskin is out,

As NHLPA head.

Chelios and Klatt,

Have finally won their war,

What crook will be hired next?

Friday, May 11, 2007

The Yankees don't know a good time

In the light of Josh Hancock's drunken death, The New York Yankees have joined other major league teams in banning alcohol in both their home and visiting clubhouses. The Yankees had previously banned alcohol in their home clubhouse, but then last Friday, the team altered its policy for the visiting clubhouse at Yankee Stadium, and the beer that was on the visitors' side was wheeled out. At least the Brewers are still keeping it real.

Why should Hancock's drinking problems cause others to have to go dry? That would be like saying as a result of Kirby Puckett trying to rape women, Derek Jeter now has to derail his ho-train.

Camacho not so Macho

Three-time boxing champion Hector "Macho" Camacho was sent to jail Monday after pleading guilty to a 2004 burglary charge. Camacho faces up to seven years in prison and a fine of up to $10,000. Camacho had previously apologized for the break-in, which caused nearly $13,000 in damages after he fell through the ceiling, cut himself, urinated inside the office and left with seven laptops and about $5,600 in checks and cash.

Going from Macho to Nacho has to be tough for Camacho. The only person he has beaten in the last few months is his girlfriend, and he couldn't even knock her out.

Dempsey doesn't know funny

This week, Rick Dempsey apologized for attempting to crack a joke about domestic violence on the air during a telecast of a Baltimore Orioles game on Saturday. During the third inning, Dempsey and play-by-play man Gary Thorne were joined in the booth by Laura Giuliani, the wife of Orioles left fielder Jay Gibbons. Giuliani was promoting a fundraiser the next day intended to help fight domestic violence. Gibbons is hitting .213 as of Wednesday, and Dempsey tried to put Gibbons' slump at the plate together with his wife's charity.

Dempsey - "Laura, will this kind of help Jay in the domestic violence area? If he doesn't start getting a few more hits, you might grab him around the neck and rough him up a little bit. [Is] this money going to go to help him a little bit with maybe some of the hospital bills or something like that?"

Giuliani - "I don't know, Rick. I don't think I'm encouraging that. I'm definitely not ..."

Dempsey - "Not going there?"

Giuliani - "Not going there."

Dempsey - "All right, I'll domestically violate him if he doesn't start getting some more hits,"

You can bet that this will be the last time Rick Dempsey does shots of JD along side DH Kevin Millar before a telecast. With the bad publicity he received, it's a good thing Dempsey called off the second half of his joke; where Scott Erickson would throw Giuliani into the elevator out of Camden Yards.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Russian hockey doesn't like money

Russia has once again decided not to sign the International Ice Hockey Federation's player transfer deal with the NHL. Under the proposed four-year agreement, the NHL will pay an annual fee of US$12 million to the IIHF for up to 60 player transfers, which means a minimum of $200,000 will be allocated for each player. The Russian clubs want no less than $1 million for top players. Russian teams would rather lose players to the NHL for nothing than sign a contract that pays them what they consider a disrespectful amount of money, according to Russian Hockey Federation President Vladislav Tretiak. Russia has not been part of the transfer agreement for the last two years and has lost 13 players without compensation, including stars Evgeni Malkin and Alexander Ovechkin.

It has been a long time since I took grade 1 math, but from what I recall, you will be better off with any number greater than $0. But I could be wrong year as I spent most of that year eating paste and soiling myself.

Steroids in gymnastics

Russian rythmic gymnast Anastasia Guseva will miss the Beijing Olympics after being suspended until November for testing positive for a banned diuretic that can be used to mask steroids. She tested positive for the diuretic, furosemide, at the rhythmic events of the 2006 World Gymnasiade in Athens last June, the International Gymnastics Federation (FIG) said Monday in a statement.

In a sport where the women generally have masculine looking bodies, why would a gymnast take steroids to look even more manly? Sure it can help you toss the balls higher, but it can also make you grow some.

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

The Queen ponies up

Jockey Calvin Borel, who rode Street Sense to victory in this past weekend's Kentucky Derby has been invited to attend a state dinner at the White House in honour of Queen Elizabeth II. Borel's agent, Jerry Hissam, said Sunday that White House Social Secretary Amy Zantzinger had invited Borel and fiance Lisa Funk to travel to Washington, D.C., on Monday for the dinner hosted by President Bush and First Lady Laura Bush in honour of Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II and His Royal Highness Prince Philip.

To mark this special occasion, it is rumoured that the Queen broke out the Royal phonebook for Borel's chair; so he can reach his dinner plate.