Sunday, December 31, 2006

New Year's Resolutions

Here at Throwing Smoke professional athletes won't talk to us, yet, but then again neither will our mothers, so we don't know what new year's resolutions players really have so here is what we speculated:

T.O. - Keep counting his 25 million reasons to live
Marvin Lewis (Bengals coach) - Only have 5 players arrested
Sam Cassell - Bring sexy back
David Stern - Learn ebonics to try and be more 'hood'. Word.
Dany Heatley - Keep his car on the road
A.I. - Help Carmello Anthony stay away from being arrested for misdemeanors - focus more on felonies.
Marcus Camby - Play through all hangnails and tough it out on game days.
Kris Benson - Find a peeler to marry who won't threaten to bang the grounds crew.
Jason Kidd - Write a book of children's poetry
Pacman Jones - Only let his women do the spitting, if you catch my drift

Happy New Years and don't drink and drive, unless you're a pro-athlete and we can write about it next week.

Saturday, December 30, 2006

Poet's Corner

Three blind refs,
Three blind refs,
Can't make a call,
Can't make a call.
They cost the Nets a game of ball,
With a very obvious no call,
Kidd your fine is very small,
For saying three blind refs,
Three bline refs.

Friday, December 29, 2006

Jordan Rejected

Famous gossip column, Page 6, reported that Michael Jordan hit town last week with friends Derek Jeter and Patrick Ewing. When the players headed out, it was reported that Jordan tried to convince a few women to join them at Pink Elephant, where he was meeting Jeter. One source said, "Jordan was really trying to get this girl to leave with him, and the girl responded, 'Aren't you married?'

Wow, MJ goes from king of the sports world to getting rejected in bars all in the span of a few years. It has to be embarrasing to know that you can get outplayed by fat, balding and unfunny Chris Berman. I hear that if you are willing to pay his royalty fees, Berman will let you use his 'You're with me leather' line to scoop sluts. When you hang with Ewing and are used to paying for the skanks at strip clubs, trying to get one for free is like T.J. trying to be gansta. It just ain't happening.

This does settle one debate though. Wilt Chamberlain is the best NBA playa ever. Case closed!

Thursday, December 28, 2006

Why do women need shirts?

Cheerleading coach Christine Smith was fired by the Frederick Youth Sports Association for lifing up her shirt at a football game for 7-8 year old girls. Smith drew a smiley face on her stomach to re-energize the team, which she said they found "hilarious," but allegedly three people complained about Smith's lifting her shirt slightly, to draw the face. Association president Kathy Carey stated, "(P)ulling your shirt up is ... not what our organization is about." Women pulling up their shirts is exactly what Throwing Smoke is all about. Christine, for women like you, we can always find a job for you here.

Thinking back, this reminds me of the time I was at my kid's hockey game and I wrote 'Go Warriors go; this is our's to win. Bring home the trophy!' on my gigantic wang. Sure I was escorted out of the arena by police and was beaten in the parking lot, but from what I hear, they went on to win. Best of all, I got phone numbers from 5 yummy hockey mommies. Broken collarbone and sprained knee aside, it was all worth it.

NOTE: the picture is not of Ms. Smith, but who doesn't love a hot cheerleader?

Smoot will be drinking from a straw

Minnesota Vikings cornerback Fred Smoot had his jaw broken in five places as a result of a recent car accident and will need his jaw wired shut. Smoot was in the back seat of a 2007 Rolls-Royce when the 26-year-old driver, Percy Donalson, lost control and struck a guardrail.

As it is the end of the year, people usually look back at what could have been. When I see this, I think 'Why couldn't this be T.O. instead?'

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Knight makes history

This week, the firey Bobby Knight will became the winningest coach in NCAA men's basketball history when he collects his 880th victory. Incredibly, this figure is only 0.001% the number of f-bombs he has launched in the same time period and roughly the number of players he has abused. I am not saying that Bobby Knight is a bastard, but if he and John Mark Karr were standing beside each other, people would have a hard time deciding who to kick in the nads first.

NYC may be unitless

Rumours are flying around that the Yankees are looking to deal 6'10" pitcher, Randy Johnson. If he is traded out of New York, he will be the 2nd biggest thing to be removed from the New York City skyline this decade; the first being the World Trade Centers.

Saturday, December 23, 2006

Poet's Corner

There once was a qb for Hotlanta,
Who had one special wish for Santa,
His name was Mike Vick,
And had a burning itch in his dick,
"You can bring me some Valtrex, can'-tchya?"

Have a very Merry Christmas, from the Throwing Smoke crew!

Friday, December 22, 2006

Athletes Christmas List

Our super ninja abilities combined with our newly developed technology to break the space-time continuum using Adam Morisson’s moustache, we were able to take a peak at various sports personalities Christmas lists:

Floyd Landis – a natural level of testosterone
Ron Artest – a 6-year old’s grasp of the English language.
OJ Simpson – the real killers (or a confession from anyone ala John Mark Carr)
Sean Avery – talent to match is hot girlfriend
Allen Iverson – Tickle Me Elmo 10th anniversary addition (even gangstas have a soft side)
David Stern – A white NBA….errr..Christmas
Patrick Ewing – the Gold club reopening
The Vicks – an intervention with Jesse Jackson
Shawn Kemp – chicks who love anal
Jayson Williams – a new limo driver
T.J. Ford – a police record
"White Chocolate" Williams – Sickle-cell anemia
Kobe Bryant – a mute white girl
Jake Plummer – a career
Cincinati Bengals – 53 get out of jail free cards
Throwing Smoke crew – topless woman’s basketball
Darryl Strawberry and Doc Gooden – magic ‘8-balls’

Tyson snubs fans

Apparently “Crazy” Mike Tyson didn’t bother to show up for a scheduled gala dinner that fans of his shelled out $500 a piece in order to meet the former world boxing heavyweight champion.

I didn’t realize that Tyson still had fans. And they must be crazier than he is, ‘cause I sure as hell wouldn’t want to be near him, never mind paying for the privilege to let the champ dine on my flesh and rape my wife.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Topless ain't Technical

Candace Parker of Tennessee’s NCAA woman’s basketball team was assessed a technical foul when she dunked for the third time this season and celebrated by popping her jersey. I’m all for throwing out technical fouls if a player punches another in the box, but if ladies want to take their shirts off to celebrate I’m game. Hell, if they wanna play topless I’ll take season’s tickets-it’s a lot cheaper than reserving a seat in pervert’s row at the Gold Club with Patrick Ewing.

Rocky is back

The ultimate guy movie series, Rocky Balboa, had its 6th installment released this week. In the movie a 60 year-old Rocky comes out of retirement to fight the current heavyweight title holder, after his wife died and his son deserted him.

If they wanted a more realistic Rocky movie, they should have modeled it after the life of George Foreman. Rocky would have 5 sons all named after himself and he’d be pimping out some kitchen appliances on cable TV. No one wants to see Sly topless and boxing again. But to see him cooking bacon while reducing 30% of the fat, send me that 1-800 number!

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Write-In All-Star

Virtually unknown Vancouver Canucks defenseman Rory Fitzpatrick is currently second in NHL All-Star voting to represent the Western Conference on the blue line. This bizarre drive to have Fitzpatrick named to the All-Star team is being lead by some obscure website that is pushing for NHL fans to write “Rory” on their ballots.

The fact that a player who doesn't have a point in 19 games can be in position to start in the All-Star game is a testament to how good the B.C. chronic is. Fitzpatrick better bring along some of his own mary-jane, because he’ll sure as hell need the stress relief when the real All-Stars skate circles around him on January 24th. If you’re wondering, my write-in vote this year was Sean Avery, for having the scoring lead with this:

The Strawman gives out advice

Darryl Strawberry crawled out of his crack den long enough to make an appearance yesterday at a Yankees news conference. Straw was asked a number of questions about the current Yankees formation and in particular why he thought the Yankees haven’t been able to find playoff success in recent years. "I think the Yankees’ problem is that they just don’t support each other enough,” Strawberry was quoted as saying. “I mean, back when I played in those years we were winning, we all supported each other, we all cared for each other. I think they need to get back to that, because the talent is there, but everybody seems like they’re going their separate ways."

Whoa Straw. Time for a reality check. Back in “your day” supporting each other involved sharing your eight ball with Keith Hernandez and tag teaming prostitutes with Doc Gooden. Your ’86 Mets won the championship despite all that “support”, not because of it.

Lions coach doesn't have a big classic

Detroit Lions defensive line coach Joe Cullen has been suspended for Sunday’s game against Chicago and fined $20,000 by NFL for conduct detrimental to the league. The conduct in question relates to his being arrested last summer for nude and drunken driving.

On the list of things to do naked in a car, driving to Wendy’s to get a cheeseburger is not on the top of my list. But unlike Cullen, when I'm drunk and driving around I wait until I've got the ho in the car before my pants come off. And I am the one serving the beef.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

David Stern ain't understand

David Stern handed out unprecedented half a million dollar fines to each of the New York Knicks and the Denver Nuggets as punishment for their players’ actions during the “Madison Melee” last weekend. "I am going to start holding our teams accountable for the actions of their players and other employees," the commissioner said. "What I'm saying is if you continue to employee employees who engage in these actions, your organization is going to have to pay a price even beyond the suspensions that are involved here."

Maybe Ron Artest and I were quick to judge the commissioner. Handing out individual fines and suspensions to players only encourages more of the same, but this new tactic of leveling huge fines to the teams themselves is sure to have an impact. And by impact I mean NBA teams will start to be more like the Washington Generals and less like the Portland Jailblazers. Who doesn’t want to see Big Country and Shawn Bradley come out of retirement? David Stern you are a visionary my friend.

Titans mascot drives like Paul Tracy

In the bizarre lawsuit of the week, Ex-Saints quarterback Adrian McPherson is suing the Tennessee Titans because their mascot hit him with a golf cart before the second half of an August exhibition game. The quarterback was on the field Aug. 12 warming up when T-Rac, the Titans' mascot, hit him with a golf cart while throwing items into the stands. McPherson missed the rest of the game with a deep bruise in his right knee, and the Saints cut him on Sept. 2. McPherson is seeking $5 million in compensatory damages for the Titans' negligence and $15 million in punitive damages.

Adrian, the chances of an uneducated, gambling, Arena Football league player coming close to earning $20,000,000 in a lifetime is ludicrous. You may want to revise the amount in your lawsuit to 3 packs of food stamps and a can of Colt 45. Even if the food stamps had expired, you are still getting one hell of a deal.

Monday, December 18, 2006

Carmelo gets suspended for "going ghetto"

The NBA earned another black mark, this time from Saturday’s fourth quarter brawl between the New York Knicks and Denver Nuggets. All 10 players on the court were ejected after the melee which began when New York's Mardy Collins tackled Nuggets' J.R. Smith as he went up for an uncontested dunk. The fracas featured players diving into the stands to fight each other while the league’s leading scorer Carmelo Anthony tossed haymakers. Anthony was suspended 15 games for his part with the other players involved also receiving fines and suspensions.

Unfortunately this investigation has resulted in the typical combination of public reprimands, fines and suspensions that have proven to be ineffective in stemming the recent surge in the unprofessionalism of NBA players on and off the court. Such punishments only serve to reinforce undesired behaviour as it has the effect of increasing a player’s street cred and marketability in the ghetto. Carmelo might receive a $50,000 fine, but FUBU is going to have to pay him an extra half-mil to get him to pimp out their clothes now.

You know, we laughed at Ron Artest last week, but maybe he’s right when he says that Stern “ain’t understand how to deal with NBA people that are from the ghetto.” Maybe we should just accept that you can take a brother out of the hood, but you can’t take the hood out of a brother.

And the fact that Ron Artest is starting to make sense can only mean that humanity is faced with extinction at the hands of a space-time paradox. The only way to save the universe now is to use Adam Morrison’s moustache to power a time machine back to the 70s so we can stop Wilt Chamberlain from fathering Artest in the first place. I’m not exactly sure he’s the father, but it’s a good a starting point as any.

T.O. is spitting mad

As if getting his quarterback benched, sleeping during team meetings and attempting suicide didn’t make for a busy enough year, Terrell Owens is back in the news after performing his best Pacman Jones imitation on DeAngelo Hall of the Hotlanta Falcons. Hall said, with Owens later admitting, that he spit in Hall’s face when the Falcons' cornerback came out jawing on the very first play.

What else is there left for Owens to do other than win a Super Bowl? His life is a freaking cartoon. If I read tomorrow that an anvil fell out of the sky and hit him on the head while he was walking to his car and then a train hit him as he drove away, I’d laugh. But I wouldn’t be surprised. Yadaba daba daba, That's all folks!

Gold eludes 3-legged sprinter

Reports out of New Delhi say that Indian sprinter Santhi Soundarajan will be stripped of the silver medal because 'it' doesn't have the sexual characteristics of a woman. I am not sure which is worse, the fact that a dude pretended to be a woman in competition and still lost , or that I just booked my ticket to India to try and tap that ass.

Saturday, December 16, 2006

Poet's Corner

Look for this regular column every weekend. For the first Poet's Corner, we have a haiku about college sports and their lack of education:

Dumb college athletes
They need to learn one sentance
Fries with that madam?

Friday, December 15, 2006

Bedard goes ghetto

If there is one complaint we have received on Throwing Smoke over the first three months, it was to include more Biathlon content. In keeping with our fan's wishes we bring you this: Myriam Bedard, Canadian double gold medalist biathlete decided that kidnapping would become her next endeavor.

An arrest warrant has been sworn out against her on suspicion of abducting her own daughter. It's the most recent of a string of episodes in the last decade that has also seen her spar with her sports federation and make sensational allegations during the federal sponsorship scandal.

It is sad to say, but Myriam Bedard now has more street cred than T.J. Ford. She knows how to handle a gat and now she’s got a police rap. T.J., when a 100 pound French woman is more gangsta than you, it is time to stop comparing yourself to Allen Iverson and to start comparing yourself to Webster. Ma’am and George Papadopolous called, they are ready to adopt again.

Marcus Mexico sleeps with women smarter than him

As if this should be some surprise, Michael Vick’s younger brother, Marcus is being sued by a 17-year-old girl who claims she had an almost two-year sexual relationship with Miami Dolphins rookie Marcus Vick. The lawsuit states that the girl was a 15-year-old honor student at Christiansburg High School when she first had sex with Vick in January 2004 while he was a quarterback at Virginia Tech. The lawsuit also says Vick wanted her to have sex with other men and contends that Vick offered her alcohol and marijuana several times. Finally, it was stated that the old guy standard of saying he loved her, wanted her to have his child and that having a sexual relationship with someone her age was acceptable.

It is great to see that class oozes from the Vick family tree. And by class I mean that Michael Vick is thoughtful for having shown his younger brother that sleeping with virgins can’t possibly give you a burning sensation when you piss.

Athletes love gats

Chicago Bears defensive tackle Tank Johnson was charged Thursday with not having a gun owner identification card after six firearms were found at his Gurnee home. This is his second gun related charge in the past 2 years. I don't even know why we are posting about an NFL player being arrested as it isn't news anymore. Most of the NFL’s ghetto players are like Andre Rison's house. Sooner or later, you know they are going to crash and burn.

Artest talks about his rap album

Sacramento kings forward Ron Artest finally got around last month to releasing the rap album he was working on during his year long suspension for fighting with fans in Detroit in 2004. Due to the ongoing basketball season Artest hasn’t been out actively promoting the release, but he did find time to give an exclusive interview to little known “andPop” online magazine. Most of this interview makes no sense, even for Ron Artest. I’ve posted the best captions below, but if you want a look into the skewed ghetto world-view of Ron Artest I suggest you read the whole thing here.

On the album’s second track, “Haterz”:

... the commissioner will hear his name cited in one of Artest's rhymes: "David Stern, damn David Stern, I gotta teach you 'bout the ghetto, some things you should learn."

"There are so many people in the NBA that are from the ghetto and David Stern needs to learn a little more about these types of people that are in his league," Artest says on the line from Sacramento. "He ain't understand how to deal with the people that are in the NBA and he comes down hard on people at times."

On keeping it real:

Artest realizes the prominence of "street cred" – more or less audience approval – in the hip-hop game. "It's important that I have street cred because of the type of music that I'm doing and the type of people that are attracted to me.," says the 27-year-old from New York's Queensbridge Projects. "Right now my street cred is that I'm a real dude, not a thug, just a real dude."

On being hardcore:

"There are a lot of things I could have done [to promote my album] like touring in other states but I had to pass. I understand that without basketball, none of this would have been possible and I respect that. I always realized that but I always tried to keep it real to myself and sometimes I keep it too real and sometimes that hurt me. You can't be hardcore every day all day."

I really don’t know what else to say about all of this. It boggles the mind that this “hardcore” illiterate earns more in a year playing ghetto sports than 10 brain surgeons make over the course of their entire careers combined.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Roenick Going for Gold

The Phoenix Coyotes’ Jeremey Roenick (JR) was scratched on Tuesday for a nagging back injury, but claimed he was able to play. Instead of watching the game from the press box, Roenick was spotted at a nearby restaurant having dinner and watching the game on TV. This may be the beginning of the end of Roenick’s career but at least he is in the right city as Phoenix is full of retired people. With all of his spare time now, I hear he may try and top my feat of sleeping with the cast of Fact’s of Life by bagging the Golden Girls. If he manages to sleep with the demented 83 year-old Estelle Getty, I will call the cops on that sick bastard. Estelle, sweetness, why won't you return my calls?

Brady should cowboy up

Miami Dolphins players commented earlier this week that their club purchased tapes of the New England Patriots offense which provided audio of quarterback Tom Brady making audible and line-blocking calls. The NFL found nothing wrong with the Dolphin’s actions.

The only tapes of Tom Brady I would ever consider purchasing are of him shooting heroin with a dozen coked-up strippers while getting blown. This is the NFL Tom, time to finally get some street-cred like your man Michael Irvin. You need to drop your GQ image and get yourself a mink coat, a hooker for each arm and an 8-ball. Superbowl rings aside, this is the only way you will be respected in the hood. Word up.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Artest is the new Dr. Phil

In an interview yesterday Sacramento Kings forward Ron Artest offered some advice to fellow NBA gangbanger Allan Iverson who is waiting to be traded from the Philadelphia 76ers. “Just go out and play the game. In my case, I wanted to be traded, but at the same time, I wanted to play, and play to win."

I’m assuming that when Artest says he “played to win” while waiting for a trade from the Pacers he means he “left the team to go work on his rap album.” This is Ron Artest we are talking about here. The same Ron Artest who went into the stands a few years back to pummel a fan. Accepting advice from Ron Artest on anything career related is like accepting a blood transfusion from Magic Johnson. Buyer Beware.

East German she-males to be compensated

Former athletes who were victims of East Germany's systematic doping program will get a one-time payment of $12,210 as compensation for health problems and give up any other legal action. Over the years, East Germany dominated many Olympic events with women who resembled Bryant ‘Big Country’ Reeves. But unlike Reeves who after an unheralded six-year career was left with $65 million in his pocket, all these poor 'women' were left with is a token settlement and a penis in their pants.

Shaq likes blow up dolls

The new synthetic ball that has been used this year in the NBA has been dissed by most players. In a recent interview Shaq said, "The ball is terrible. It's something we'll just have to get used to. Playing with the new ball is like going to a gentlemen's club, seeing an exotic dancer and then going home and playing with a plastic blow-up doll. It's bad."

No doubt if they asked Kobe Bryant, his response would have been "The ball is brutal. Trying to score with the new ball is like going to Colorado for knee surgery, raping a white girl and then losing all of your million dollar endorsements and having to buy your wife five million dollars worth of bling. What were we talking about again? That's right, I love white box, yo"

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Bengal Watch Update: Number 8 - Sky's the limit

Cincinnati Bengal arrests have ramped up to an incredible one per week with the announcement that Bengals all-star cornerback Deltha O’Neal was arrested on the weekend for drunken driving.

You just know that once the Bengals are officially eliminated from the wildcard race, and the disappointment of a lost season sinks in, this number will grow exponentially. It’s not often that you can predict a civic disaster before it strikes. The residents of Cincy would be wise to heed this sign and stay off the roads and out of nightclubs for the next two months.

Bruins' Mystery Departure

The Boston Bruins' Phil Kessel has left the team for a non-hockey related injury. We hope he wasn't following in the footsteps of another high draft pick, Alexandre Daigle, and sticking it in a hepatitis-filled Pam Anderson. Phil, just because fellow Bruin Brad Stuart can play one vital organ down, does not make this a contest. Take the example of Jose Theodore and stick to classier broads like Paris Hilton. At least herpes won't cause your liver to fail.

UPDATE: Here at Throwing Smoke, we think a lot of things are a joke, like the American legal system that somehow lets OJ and Jayson Williams walk free, players not keeping it in their pants and lame steroid excuses from 'Cheetahs'. What we do not find funny is cancer. No, this isn't another A-Rod reference. In all sincerity, we would like to wish Phil Kessel all the best in his battle with testicular cancer. Phil, don't worry bra, in no time, you will be back on the road again with the Bruins banging the puck bunnies! Good Luck!

Message to the NBA players - Use domes!

In an NBA game this weekend, play had to be stopped after Lebron James' son, Lebron Jr. threw a toy basketball on the court. After this embarrassing episode, everyone was thankful that Larry Johnson and Shawn Kemp weren't still in the league. With 12 illegitimate children combined, the game would be going on as long as their child support payments.

Monday, December 11, 2006

Just what the Doctor ordered

New York Yankees owner George Steinbrenner may give Dwight Gooden a role with the team, provided he stays off drugs and alcohol until mid-February. "I want him to prove he can do it," Steinbrenner said last week.

Either Steinbrenner is naive, or he’s a comedic genius. Cause there’s no way Doc will stay off the rock for 3 months, little lone 2 weeks. Not with Darryl Strawberry currently working across town for the rival Mets. And unless these guys are separated by 300 miles or a set of steel bars, it won’t be long before the high jinx and hilarity begins anew. Stay tuned, cause the best is yet to come.

Don't mess with the Sens

Ottawa Senators left winger Peter Schaefer was fined $2,500 by the NHL for waving a towel while on the bench during Wednesday's 6-2 loss to the Washington Capitals. The club was apparently unhappy with the officiating in the game as 11 penalties had been called against each team. Rumour has it that if a 12th penalty was called against Ottawa, Dany Heatley was going to hijack the Zamboni and start running down the whistle-happy zebras.

Friday, December 08, 2006

Griffin gets freaky

Minnesota Timberwolves forward Eddie Griffin pleaded guilty this week to a misdemeanor charge for inattentive driving. This alone wouldn’t merit mention on Throwing Smoke as NBA players are being arrested all the time for things like driving violations or killing people. In Minneapolis they are reporting a bizarre set of circumstances surrounding his arrest. There is surveillance tape which shows Griffin’s pimped-out Cadillac Escalade smashing into a parked SUV. A half-naked Griffin exited his vehicle, staggered around, and claimed repeatedly to witnesses that he was drunk. One witness claims that the intoxicated Griffin told him that the reason for the accident was because he was masturbating to pornography on his dashboard DVD player.

What is the world coming to? It used to be that when a brother had urges he would head down to the Gold Club for a little action. This is a new all-time low for the NBA. Almost as low as my buddy who had anal sex last night with the office supervisor of his live-in girlfriend. Between him and Griffin humanity has taken a huge step backwards today.

Drugs a problem in the dart world

In this week’s ‘You have to be kidding me’ column, a dart player in Europe has failed a drug test. Robbie Green became the first person in his ‘sport’ to be suspended for taking illegal drugs. The hypocrisy of letting players down large quantities of beer during games while simultaneously testing them for marijuana use is completely mind blowing. This is as stupid as going on a fishing trip with Bob Ojeda and expecting to cast a reel.

Lester - Cancer Free!

Doctors have told Boston Redsox pitcher Jon Lester that he is cancer free. Lester is now planning on being ready for training camp.

In related news, the Yankees are also hoping to declare their clubhouse cancer free at the conclusion of baseball’s winter meetings.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Drug testing is getting out of control

The NFL has suspended New Orleans Saints defensive tackle Hollis Thomas for violating the league’s steroid policy due to asthma medication he takes. Thomas has severe asthma problems and requires a high dose of inhaled steroids in order to breathe. It is ridiculous that the NFL doesn’t want its players to be able to breathe. I guess that’s why they honour Reggie White so much.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Johnson vs Lewis yet again

In an allegation that just won’t go away, sprinter Ben Johnson has told an Australian newspaper that his chief rival, Carl Lewis, was "involved" in a conspiracy to sabotage Johnson's drug testing scandal at the 1988 Seoul Olympics. As a result, Ben Johnson is now resorting to stuttering his way through some terrible soft drink commercials while pretty boy Carl Lewis is at home polishing off his gold medals. I guess when you have a corrupt American power house athletic federation behind you and you aren’t an uneducated islander, your positive drug test can just be swept aside. Carl, as you sit back and drink your cognac, remember gold medals won’t keep you cool in hell and that it should be you saying the magic phrase ‘Absolutely! I Cheetah all the time!’

White Trash

Adam Morrison of the NBA's Charlotte Bobcats is off to a good start to his rookie campaign. It is too bad Louisville Slugger doesn't make razors because I would really love to club that 13 year-old boy moustache off of his yapper.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Bengal Watch Update: Number Seven and Counting

The Cincinnati Bengals have expanded their lead over the Tennessee Titans for most players arrested this year. Congratulations are in order for wide receiver Reggie McNeal who becomes the seventh Bengal arrested this season after pushing around a few cops in Houston on Sunday when he was refused entry to a nightclub for being too intoxicated.

This is further proof that the Bengals clubhouse is completely dysfunctional. Although in all fairness, they’ve got a ways to go to reach Culpepper-era Vikings territory. I don’t even know or care who Reggie McNeal is, but I do know one thing, it’s a damn good thing that Cincinnati is landlocked.

Sloan Nears Milestone

Jerry Sloan, long time coach of the Utah Jazz is only 1 win away from his 1000th career NBA win.
I think it would be appropriate if Jerry celebrated this milestone with a little “pick ‘n roll”, in memory of John Stockton and Karl “Mailman” Malone, who gave him most of those wins.
And in Utah, the pick 'n roll is just a fancy way of saying "pick a few of your cousins and take them for a roll in the hay."

Kemp considers comeback

I don’t know how we missed this one, but apparently last month the Seattle SuperSonics hosted a 40th anniversary ceremony featuring a number of former SuperSonic stars, including the ever-virile Shawn Kemp. In a surprise proclamation Kemp told the crowd, “Between you and me, I would love a chance to win a ring. Don't be surprised if you see me sneak in here and play this season.”

Given all the Shawn Kemp references we toss around here at Throwing Smoke, it’s good to see that he’s actually back in the news again. All of this comeback talk can only mean one thing—that Kemp is finding it hard to score broads while playing basketball in Italy. Either that or Kemp is frustrated with the widespread use of contraceptives by Italian women. And by “contraceptives” I mean they prefer back door.

Monday, December 04, 2006

NHL advertises effectively

The NHL has received high praise for its ‘In Bed with Peter Forsberg’ commercial that was aired to promote the new NHL season. I recall a few years back pitcher Denny Neagle was working on a promotion for Major League Baseball. The only problem was that instead of casting a suburban family and hiring a camera crew, Neagle went cruising the streets in his Beemer with 40 bucks and a burning desire for a blow job. I'm not saying Neagle’s ad wouldn’t have worked, but I think the concept would be better suited to the NBA. And for maximum impact the ad would feature Wilt Chamberlain:

Most Rebounds Grabbed: 55 in a game
Most Points Scored: 100 in regulation
20,000 Broads F***ed: Priceless

The NBA, it's Ho-tastic!

T.O. has butter fingers, and not the chocolate bar

Terrell Owens of the Dallas Cowboys had a good game on Sunday with 8 catches for 84 yards, but he could have hit double digits if he didn’t drop 2 easy passes. T.O. continues to lead the league in drops.

Despite how good Owens thinks he is, he certainly has trouble with holding on to things other than his assumed to be large manhood. In addition to the half a dozen passes this year, he’s also dropped the 49ers, the Eagles and about 35 pain killers down his throat.

His publicist said, “Terrell has 25 million reasons why he should be alive.” In reality he has 25 million reasons to play half-assed to avoid hurting himself. After all, no matter how much money you have, you won’t get attention if you are too banged up to display your ebony handsomeness when doing topless crunches on your driveway.

Too bad Owens hasn’t dropped his wallet in my lap, then I wouldn’t have to write this dribble.

Ride'em cowboy!

On Friday, Russel Baze became thoroughbred racing's winningest jockey, by capturing his 9,531st victory aboard Butterfly Belle at Bay Meadows. I haven't seen anyone ride this many horses to success since Mark Grace was slump-busting during his baseball playing days. I am not saying that banging fat chicks is bad though. Box is box yo.

Trying to wash the slate clean

Two-time Cy Young award winner, Bret Saberhagen made a controversial statement to the baseball Hall of Fame this week, regarding what he would do if he was somehow elected to the Hall. "I'd have to decline," Saberhagen said by phone. "I wouldn't accept it unless the Hall decides to put Pete Rose in, which is where he belongs. You're talking about the all-time hits leader. It's never been proven that he bet on baseball while he played." No need to worry Bret, the only way you will see the inside of Cooperstown is if you buy a ticket or if they need someone to bleach the floors clean. What about making a phone call to Cal Ripken Jr? Maybe he will let you and Vince Coleman do a fireworks show to celebrate his induction.