Thursday, November 30, 2006

Iverson returns to his "Roots"

I was starting to worry about Allen Iverson. He’s been engaging in some whack behaviour of late. Payin’ for the funerals of gang-banged teens, and speakin’ out against gun violence. It’s gotten so bad that I was expecting to see him on ESPN2 counselling Shawn Kemp on the virtues of Planned Parenthood. And now I read that he’s snubbed a bunch of the 76ers’ rich honkey sponsors. You know, a month ago I could have pictured AI throwing strikes alongside a Heinz Corp. V.P. Cause when whitey’s got you on the dole to the tune of $17 mil per, it’s easy to turn your back on the hood. But A.I. is f***ing back. Someone better tell T.J. Ford that he’ll need to find a new partner for down at the women’s shelter. Just a suggestion though, don’t call Kobe.

Admit it

You were shocked too when you saw the name of the article about Chris Pronger's return to Edmonton, especially amidst all of the sexual rumours about his departure.

"Pronger gets off easy"

Don't drop a quarter in London, Ontario

In a mind blowing move, there has been huge fan outcry against the London Knights of the Ontario Hockey League for their announcement to introduce ‘Cheer Girls’ at their home games. I never realized what a huge gay population London had. Thinking about it, I should have clued in when I was at a game last year and it was "Brokeback Night" and the fans were asked to show up in ass-less chaps. I really don’t remember much from that hockey game other than I had a lot of Fuzzy Navels to drink and I couldn’t sit for a week.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Wallace gets some in the face

Tuesday night the Chicago Bulls' Ben Wallace had sweat dripping in his face after being forced to play without his trade mark headband. This followed Ben getting benched on Saturday for breaking a team rule that prohibits wearing said head piece.

I can just imagine the conversation at the Bulls head office that led to this rule.

Bulls GM - "I think NBA players are totally out of control."

Bulls Manager - "I agree. Lets make some rules to teach the ones that aren't already in jail some discipline. How about we ban the headband. Having 8 illegitimate kids is fine, but the headband, that is out of control. And while we are at it lets rule out knee high socks too."

GM - "Great Idea! We'll learn 'em good by taking away their headbands! I think we should lay off the socks though. Where will their pack their heat? Taking away their gat would be unconstitutional!"

Plummer finally violated

It has been reported that Jake Plummer will be replaced as quarterback of the Denver Broncos with rookie Jay Cutler. In getting benched, it looks like Plummer got his signature move trumped. You know the one where he sneaks up from behind and puts his hand under a skirt to cop a feel. Actually, the move Cutler pulled isn’t very similar at all. Cutler will have his hands in the crotch of a 300 pound dude. Sure Cutler won’t have 4 felony counts of sexual assault laid against him, but he still didn’t get to touch any box.

Let's get ready to rumble

As fighting has been reduced in the new NHL, it is great to see some diehards who still love to chuck the knuckles. Unfortunately, this hockey brawl was between parents at a pee-wee hockey game in Rome, New York. Police said eight to 15 people were involved in the melee during the game between 13- and 14-year-olds Saturday and one parent suffered a fractured skull. Speaking of riots, this reminds me of the time Patrick Ewing and I were at the Gold Club in Hotlanta getting humzies from strippers and the Feds showed up to shut the place down. Sequined bras, tiara’s and bongs were flying everywhere. Come to think of it, I never got my happy ending.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Hitchock to toy his thang in Columbus

The hope in Columbus is that revered coach Ken Hitchcock can turn the Blue Jackets around from their position at the bottom of the NHL. I’m not saying that they are a bad team, but if they were an album they would be one spot behind Kevin Federline on the Billboard music charts.

My money says that if Britney’s pile of cash, hot looks and great ass couldn’t make K-Fed a success, Hitch hasn’t got a prayer in hell of turning this team around. AY YABADYA!

Hall of roids?

This year’s list of eligible players for Baseball’s Hall of Fame was released this week. The main player of controversy on the list is alleged steroid abuser Mark McGwire. I can understand why he may have taken steroids. Sure it is great to mash a baseball 800 feet and hit 70 plus dingers a year. But in the end, when the playing days are done and all you are left with is a hairy back, the memory of a towel-clad Jose Canseco injecting your ass and no plaque in Cooperstown, you have to say it wasn’t worth it. Granted, I have never seen a towel-clad Jose Canseco.

Monday, November 27, 2006

Garcia fills in well - We hope

Last night Jeff Garcia filled in as quarterback for the Philadelphia Eagles for the injured Donovan McNabb. Watching the game, it was shocking the difference in size of these two QBs.

It was extremely obivous Garcia has never used performance enhancing drugs because he has less than average arm strength, and there is no way his former playmate of the year fiance, Carmella Decesare, would settle for a roid induced shrunken 3 inch penis.

If he did use Carmella, feel free to come visit Thicktown. Smooches!

New field, same old Pats

The New England Patriots replaced their terrible grass field with a state of the art artificial turf, in time for Sunday’s game versus the Chicago Bears. The Patriots beat the, now 9-2 Bears, 17-13 to move to 8-3. This seems like the best turf replacement in sports since Jose Theodore started taking Propecia. The only difference is Paris Hilton has yet to ride the turf. Or maybe she has and we will find out next week when the field is covered in crab grass.

Ron Mexico is all class

After their 4th straight loss, Atlanta Falcon’s ‘QB’ Ron Mexico…err Michael Vick gave the fans a one finger salute on his way to the locker room. After, Mexico said "First and foremost, I would like to apologize for my inappropriate actions with fans today. I was frustrated and upset at how the game was going for my team, and that frustration came out the wrong way. That's not what I'm about.” No need to apologize Mex. Everyone knows you are only about sticking your eleventh finger in some hoodrat with the clap.

Saturday, November 25, 2006

Americans play dirty pool

As if the Floyd Landis doping saga wasn’t ridiculously shameless enough, now there are reports that “someone” has hacked the computer database of the lab that produced Landis’ positive test. The Landis camp has jumped all over this citing it as additional evidence that there are “continued security issues at the Chatenay-Malabry lab.”

We’ll never know who that “someone” was, but you don’t need to have seen Conspiracy Theory to know that this bears the hallmark of the CIA looking to defend American interests. In the US this is called patriotism. I’m a patriot too, but when I sent naked pictures of myself to fellow Canadian Avril Lavigne they called me a pervert and slapped me with a restraining order. I guess they were jealous of my thick 8.

Friday, November 24, 2006

Leafs are here and Queer, so deal with it

TSN reports that the Toronto Maple Leafs logo is to be used in a movie about a gay ex-leaf player and his lover, the team’s lawyer, who are taking care of queer 11 year old boy. What would be more fitting is if both the characters were ushers at Maple Leaf Gardens and call it a mockumentary.

Whom ever is playing the 11 year old gay boy will likely have a good career in the NHL…right Theo Fleury and Sheldon Kennedy ? Oh wait, Theo was asleep in the back seat. My mistake.

Tour de Quoi?

The Tour de Georgia unveiled their route for 2007. Are you freaking kidding me? The Tour de Georgia?! Pardon my French, but I didn’t know that the US’s top STD state had such an affluent francophone population. Just because you have a branch of Quebecor World Inc. in your state doesn’t make you French. Just like speaking ebonics and grabbing his balls doesn’t make Jason ‘White Chocolate’ Williams black.

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Wie in the land of small wee-wees

Michelle Wie went 9 over in a men’s event in Japan. She was tied for 101st but she was 2 strokes ahead of last place Japanese golfer Tomomichi Oto. Oto must be the most unfortunate man in the world, not only is he pre-disposed to having a less than average manhood but he is losing to a 17 year old girl.

Michelle, as you will have the weekend off again, feel free to call me. I can help you with your stroking. You can use my club.

The Intimidator robbed

A racing suit that was worn by the late NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Sr. has been stolen from Texas Motor Speedway. It is reported that his suit is valued at $100,000. I don't know why people are so upset. If they really want another authentically worn Earnhardt suit, all they need is a plane ticket to North Carolina and a shovel.

Turkey Day

Thanksgiving – The perfect example of gluttony and sloth. It is good to see that over the years, nothing has changed on Thanksgiving. Americans still sit and watch a bunch of ebony warriors battle it out on the field for a prize. Except 200 years ago, it wasn’t about football, it was about their “farmhands” dueling it out with pitchforks to spare their wives from being raped by the plantation owner. At least the slaves didn’t have to put up with T.O.’s bitchiness.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Barbaro loses cast

Kentucky Derby Winner Barbaro had the cast removed from his lower right hind leg on Monday. He was in the cast since having surgery on May 21, a day after his horrific accident at the Preakness.

So much for my new business idea, Triple Crown Glue, made up of past winners who have been put down. My family isn’t too happy that I mortgaged the house to secure the rights for Barbaro to be in the inaugural bottle. I guess my Dad was right when he called me a loser. But he’ll regret that when he finds out that I replaced his heart medication with Tic Tacs. Who's the loser now?

T.O. not sending McNabb a get well card

How the hell is this news? Of course he won't send well wishes. T.O. got run out of Philly and they hate each other. Like, just because my ex got the clap doesn't mean I should send her a card, even if it was my fault.

Owens has a habit of alienating QBs. The only one in Dallas sending anything to McNabb is Drew Bledsoe, whose job got snatched out from under him by some kid when Owens started bitching and whining earlier this season. Maybe when Philly plays Dallas on Christmas Day Bledsoe and McNabb can stand on the sidelines together and stab their T.O. voodoo dolls in unison.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Brett Favre at practice this Thursday

Teammate Hey Brett, is your arm still hurting from Sunday?

Favre – (stumbling in to the locker room, obviously flying high) Hey man, life is great. What arm injury?

Teammate – Great, great to hear man.

Favre – (moves in closer to his teammate and whispers in his ear) Okay man, you drive a hard bargain. I am out of Vicodin and I need a hit.

Teammate – Oh really?

Favre – Come on man, this is my last shot at stardom, set me up.

Teammate –Your Superbowl ring sure does look nice. By the way, what is your wife doing tonight?

Admit it

You busted a gut too when you saw who led the Florida State Seminoles in receiving this past weekend in their college football game.

De'Cody Fagg

Monday, November 20, 2006

Eisler Loves Box

Skate Canada suspended the two-time Olympic bronze medalist, Lloyd Eisler on Oct. 3 after he allegedly sent inappropriate emails to a 15-year-old female skater he was coaching. Eisler is now coaching in the U.S. while under suspension in Canada. Honestly, for a country that has Emmanual Sandhu skating under their flag, any signs of heterosexuality in this sport should be applauded.

The Price of Poles has just gone up

In yet another European soccer scandal, a Polish player was allegedly offered $13,000 US to throw a soccer match. Since when did it get so expensive to bribe a Pole? This summer, all I had to do to get 2 polish guys to build my shed was to give them a $2 off coupon at Denny's and a half eaten bagel. Granted, they reeked of booze and urinated themselves, but you get what you pay for.

Saturday, November 18, 2006

Lewis is a tough mofo

Baltimore Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis underwent a minor surgical procedure on Thursday to have a pocket of blood drained from his back. Despite the surgery, Lewis has not been ruled out of Sunday's game against the Atlanta Falcons.

So what are the odds that this is left over damage from Ray’s gang banging? It is a shame that Pat Tillman didn't have the propensity to take bullets like Lewis. I guess taking lead is like getting drilled by a pitch. You have to turn your back to absorb the hit.

Friday, November 17, 2006

Iverson not so Hardcore

Allen Iverson has announced that he will pay for the funeral of a teenager who was shot and killed in southwest Philadelphia because he refused to hand over his Iverson jersey. Iverson says he's "tired of reading about murders in Philadelphia", and wanted to do something.

Iverson’s tired of reading about murders? This is Allen Iverson we’re talking about. Allen f***ing Iverson. This guy spends more time promoting hood gangsterism than Shawn Kemp does knocking up broads. When AI raps “Hats off to the hardcore niggaz FUCK the rest!” I take that for cash. Is there nothing we can believe in anymore? Next they’ll be telling me that he’s taking anger management and offering his time down at the battered women’s shelter with TJ Ford.

Forget A-Rod. All hail Jeter's Rod

Derek Jeter has been romantically linked to Jessica Biel. And by linked I mean with handcuffs; I hear she likes that sort of stuff. I dont really have a joke here becuase who can blame Jeter for tapping that. I just needed an excuse for throwing up Biel's picture on a sports site.
If you need me I'll be in the men's room with my laptop.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

The Juice is Loose (still)

In late November, Fox will broadcast an interview with O.J. Simpson in which he discusses "how he would have committed" the slayings of his ex-wife Nicole and her friend Ron Goldman. The interview is part of a blitz promoting his latest book "If I Did It."

The Juice is an awful human being. A part of me wants to believe that he’s trying to raise money to pay off the Goldman civil suit. But a far more cynical part of me says he’s doing this to taunt the Goldmans. The only thing funnier would have been if OJ had stood up in court after hearing the not-guilty verdict and shouted “I’m going to Disneyland” while tossing the missing glove into Fred Goldman’s lap.

Admit it!

You smirked too when you saw who upset #3 Kansas last night in US college basketball.

Oral Roberts - 78
#3 Kansas - 71

Twinkle toes Smith

In an update of a prior post, former stud NFL running back Emmitt Smith has won the 3rd season of Dancing with the Stars. “It is awesome! It is awesome!" declared Smith, after hugging his professional dance partner Cheryl Burke. "We came a long way, we really have."

Honestly, I don’t even know what to say about this other than I am ashamed for having watched it so religiously over the past 2 months.

The Coldest Game on Earth

With the resent rash of concussions in the NHL, great Bruin defensemen Bobby Orr is speaking out against hits to the head. “If you hit a guy in the face with your stick by accident, you're going to get a penalty. Two minutes, four minutes, five minutes, something. If you go to bodycheck a guy and you hit him in the face or head, and injure him, that's legal? That's fair? That's not a penalty? I'm sorry, I don't think that is right. It should be a penalty."

The NHL should be more worried about the increase in players abusing their wives over the past decade. These so called “professional” leagues are only concerned with what happens on the playing field. It’s hard to call the NHL a family league when it takes virtually no action after a player kicks his pregnant wife. I guess its okay though so long as she doesn’t suffer a head injury. Mark Fitzpatrick, don’t worry, you are retired, so these rules won’t pertain to you.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Lady Preggers Golf Association

The LPGA commissioner has announced that the league is going to start setting up policies for the drug testing of female golfers. There is no indication whether or not birth control will be considered a banned substance. Not that it will matter considering most of the women on the tour hail from the Isle of Lesbos.

Even if it is considered a banned substance, it won’t be a problem for me. I am sure Paula Creamer (and I'd love to) or Natalie Gulbis will return my calls any day now. They know I don’t mind wearing a dome.

Adu preps for European tryout

Manchester United have confirmed an interest in American teenage striker Freddy Adu.

Manchester is not Washington. Although he’s a gifted athlete, Freddy will find out quickly that European football is a whole different game. It would help his transition if he could develop an appetite for bananas. Or better yet, come down with a case of vitiligo.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Racist League

Following a loss in the semi-finals of the Canadian Football League, Toronto Argonauts wide receiver Arland Bruce accused the referees and the league of being racist, “You can say I'm complaining but we didn't get a call. We couldn't get no calls. They’re racial. How come there aren't any black referees?”

It’s a good thing Arland isn’t playing “European” football, ‘cause there they don’t consider the refs racist until they start handing out bananas instead of yellow cards. Last time I watched a football game, pretty much everyone except the place kickers were black, so I don’t understand how a referee can be more racist towards one team or another. Saying the refs are racially biased is like calling me a homosexual even though I’ve slept with the cast of The Fact’s of Life. Which is actually only slightly better than sleeping with the cast of the Golden Girls. But at least I get a lot of box.

Moss is a biatch

With the Oakland Raiders being embarrassingly bad this year, Randy Moss is not a happy camper. "Maybe because I'm unhappy, and I'm not too much excited about what's going on, so my concentration and focus level tends to go down when I'm in a bad mood," Moss said. "So all I can say is if you put me in a good situation and make me happy, man, you get good results."

So this confirms it: Randy Moss has officially finished growing his vagina and PMS has started. I bet he diddles himself now too. I thought his hand smelt like tuna when I got his autograph last week'

Messy eh?

I must admit, I was really shocked when I saw the NHL was going to have an award named after Mark Messier. I didn’t realize they are now going to give a monthly award for players who bang skanks and have illegitimate kids. I would have thought this type of award would have been better suited for the NBA.

WHAT? The award is for leadership? Who cares then?

Monday, November 13, 2006

Another Hall for Roy

Tonight, Patrick Roy will be honoured with his addition to the Hockey Hall of Fame. This is his second such honour. The first being his induction to the spousal abuse hall of shame. Congrats.

Hockey players are tough

On Sunday night Columbus Blue Jackets winger Nikolai Zherdev slashed Rene Bourque in the throat with his skate. You might remember that Clint Malarchuk had his jugular vein severed in a similar incident when playing for the ’89 Sabres. That was back when hockey players were tough. As fans in the front row began fainting from the sight, the Sabres and Blues continued on playing while Clint lay bleeding profusely. Sure, he developed obsessive compulsive disorder out of the whole ordeal, but he left the ice under his own power and was back playing two weeks later. And what's more, he didn't even spill any blood on his jersey. That's commitment.

(WARNING: If you aren't tough like Clint, I don't recommend you watch the video)

Anything goes for the Titans, except on the field

In recent news, Tennessee defensive tackle Albert Haynesworth's suspension from the NFL ends Sunday after the Titans play the Baltimore Ravens. Word has it the Titans might not be ready to welcome him back. The NFL punished Haynesworth on Oct. 2 with the league's longest suspension ever for on-field behavior, a five-game suspension for swiping his right foot on the face of Dallas center Andre Gurode. You may recall from earlier in the month, Titans Pacman Jones and Robert Reynolds were welcomed back to the team without so much as a slap on the wrist for having abused some women.

Doing the math, apparently the Titans condone their players spitting on women and tossing them around, but they do not condone mishaps on the playing field. Does this organization have any morals? The only next logical step for this organization is to start calling their players 'slaves' and admiting their playbook from the early 2000's was actually blue prints of the World Trade Centers.

Saturday, November 11, 2006

Important message to Jeff Gordon

Jeff Gordon married model Ingrid Vandebosch in a private ceremony this week. Jeff, If you ain't no punk, holla 'We want pre-nup, YEAH'. Word to Kanye.

Friday, November 10, 2006

Can of whoop-ass

Canadian Gold medal wrestler Daniel Igali, was brutally beaten and robbed in his Native Nigeria recently.

''I was stabbed at the back of my neck and beaten up with the butts of their guns,'' Igali told the Daily Sunsport of Lagos. ''I thought I was doing a good thing, coming home and helping in community development,'' said Igali, who commissioned a modern sports academy in September his home town of Enewari. ''I have spent so much time and resources trying to uplift the quality of life here. 'If this is how I want to be paid then I had better stay back in Canada.''

Let me get this straight. You won a gold medal in “Kicking Ass” but you can’t defend yourself against a few half-starved Nigerians? I bet you Kurt Angle doesn’t get robbed leaving the arena at night.

Thinking back, this reminds me of the time my place was broken into, except I unleashed the gun show and sent those bastards packing. Daniel, if it wasn’t stolen, feel free to send your gold medal to the Screaming Viking c/o Throwing Smoke. Thanks.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Admit it!

You laughed too when you saw what Nascar race Tony Stewart won on the weekend.

Dickies 500
1 Tony Stewart
2 Jimmie Johnson
3 Kevin Harvick
4 Kyle Busch
5 Clint Bowyer

Doc out of slammer, Straw watch on

Former baseball star Dwight Gooden has been released from prison after finishing a sentence for violating his probation by using cocaine. The 41-year-old was serving three years' probation for speeding away from police during a drunken driving traffic stop last year when he failed a drug test and acknowledged to a probation officer that he had used cocaine.

Doc’s life has been a series of one-upmanships with Darryl Strawberry. Over the last 15 years, at least one of them has been either in jail, on probation, or in rehab. Doc is the Ying to Straw’s Yang.

I know there are a lot of people out there pulling for these crack docktas to put their lives back together. And I’m NOT one of them. These two dumpster rejects have provided me with so much laughter over the years that I owe them a debt of gratitude. Speeding away from the cops high on coke is a new all-time low, even for these guys. You just know Straw is bound to get into trouble next. I’d wager my house Straw will be found by the cops on Christmas Eve wired on coke in some back alley ramming his meat into a dead hooker. Hey, I'm not a bad person. When Kevin Mitchell needed a new cat, I was more than happy to take him to the pet store.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Flojo snubbed

The IAAF released its short list of nominees for the World Athlete of the Year award. Included on the list are Jamaican sprinter Asafa Powell and American 400-metre runner Sanya Richards.

"Flo Jo” Griffith-Joyner was also up for consideration. But she was disqualified for being juiced. And dead.

G-g-g- Groin Injury

In case you missed it on Monday Night Football, Oakland Raider Tyler Brayton was tossed from the game for kneeing Seattle's Jerramy Stevens in the groin. If Brayton wanted to give Stevens some crotch pain, he should have just forwarded him Ron Mexico’s black book. It would have also saved the Raiders 15 yards.