Poet's Corner - Haiku

It’s the final four;

College ball at its finest!

Future gas jockeys.

Artest talks retirement

Even when Ron Artest is busy taking off games to appear in court, he still finds the time to create controversy for his club. Word is spreading that Artest has been text messaging some of his Sacramento Kings teammates saying that he wants to retire at season’s end to spend more time with his family—and no doubt work on another rap album.

Good for you Ron. You’re finally getting your priorities straight. You can use that extra quality time to visit the pet store. And to smack your wife around more often. And if she doesn’t like the new album, try taking it out on the kids. It’ll make you feel better, and show her who's boss.

Richardson is racist

Micheal Ray Richardson current coach of the CBA’s Albany Patroons, has been suspended for the rest of the CBA championship series for comments made to the Albany Times Union on Tuesday. Richards is a former NBA all star and coke addict.

Richardson had this to say when discussing the contract general manager Jim Coyne had offered him Monday to coach his team in the CBA and USBL:

"I've got big-time lawyers, I've got big-time Jew lawyers."

When told by reporters that the comment could be offensive to people because it plays to the stereotype that Jews are crafty and shrewd, he responded with:

"Are you kidding me? They are. They've got the best security system in the world. Have you ever been to an airport in Tel Aviv? They're real crafty. Listen, they are hated all over the world, so they've got to be crafty. They got a lot of power in this world, you know what I mean? Which I think is great. I don't think there's nothing wrong with it. If you look in most professional sports, they're run by Jewish people. If you look at a lot of most successful corporations and stuff, more businesses, they're run by Jewish. It's not a knock, but they are some crafty people."

Shhhh…do you hear that? It's Marge Schott giving Richardson a standing ovation from the great beyond.

Urbina going to jail

Former Major League closer Ugueth Urbina has been sentenced to 14 years in prison for the attempted murder of five workers on his family's ranch. Urbina was also found guilty of illegal deprivation of liberty and violating a prohibition against taking justice into his own hands during a dispute over a gun. He was accused of joining a group of men in attacking and injuring workers with machetes and pouring gasoline on them at his family's ranch, located about 25 miles south of Caracas, Venezuela. Urbina repeatedly has denied involvement with the violence, saying he was sleeping at the time of the attack.

Much like his pitching days Urbina wasn’t able to come in and close the game out. If John Rocker caught some gas-soaked Mexicans messing around on his plantation, he would be out there with a blow torch ready to send them to Jupiter. But that’s what makes a great closer.

Another NFL free agent busted

Free-agent NFL defensive back Dexter Reid was arrested on gun and drug charges Sunday after being pulled over on suspicion of drunken driving In Virginia. When cops searched his car they found a handgun (total surprise) and some marijuana (didn’t see that one coming).

What’s up with all of these NFL free agents getting busted this off-season? In the real world when you’re unemployed and looking for work you usually try to avoid getting arrested by the cops. But fortunately the NFL isn’t the real world. Having your mug shot splashed across the front page of the sports section is the first step to landing a tryout contract with the Bengals.

Equine injections

A remote-controlled mechanism with a dozen launching tubes was found buried in the turf at Hong Kong's most famous thoroughbred racetrack last week; it was rigged with compressed air to fire tiny, liquid-filled darts into the bellies of horses at the starting gate. No horses were injured because the supervisor at the Happy Valley Racecourse, where horses have been racing since 1846, noticed something on the turf before racing started last Wednesday. He discovered the mechanism concealed by grass-coloured tape and called in a police bomb squad to remove it. Police officials refused to discuss the device found at Happy Valley, except to say that it was under investigation. One popular theory is that gamblers installed it in an attempt to fix the outcome of races.

Imagine how much money Pete Rose would make betting if he were the manager of the Reds today. He could have a machine like this buried behind home plate to inject HGH into his players. And I don’t think the players would mind. At least the small prick they feel in their ass won’t be coming from Kazuhito Tadano’s unwanted advances.

Henry loves crime

Cincinnati Bengals receiver Chris Henry, already facing possible NFL punishment for problems with the law, has been cited on three traffic charges including driving with a suspended license. Henry also was ticketed for an alleged improper turn and seat belt violation. His vehicle was impounded after he was stopped March 21, and he paid $100 to retrieve it Monday, court records show. Henry, suspended for two games by the NFL last season, could face more punishment after settling the last of his earlier four court cases by serving two days in Kenton County (Ky.) jail in January. That was for letting minors drink in a hotel room he had rented. Henry has had four arrests in 14 months, including marijuana possession, a weapon charge, and a drunken-driving count that resulted in a guilty plea to reckless operation of a vehicle.

To be arrested so many times in the last 14 months, Henry obviously doesn’t understand the concept of law and order. Or maybe he’s just tired of the daily grind of football and is looking for an honourable way to exit the profession. Given the choice between getting crunched by linebackers or wasting away your youth drinking Colt 45 and smoking blunts, the choice is clear. It’s the American ghetto dream, yo.

Giants linebacker disappoints

New York Giants linebacker Brandon Short escaped harm during a shootout last week in New York City, where police brought down a gunman, but not before he shot and killed two auxiliary police officers.

Short told the New York Daily News he was out on the street when gunfire erupted. Short ran off the street into a jewelry store and dropped to the floor when the shooting between police and the gunman began. "I was fearful for my life," he told the newspaper. "There were bullets flying everywhere."

What gives yo? Did Brandon Short grow up with George Papadopoulos? Cause it be pretty clear that he don’t come from the ghetto. I mean how many NFL linebackers walk around New York City without packing heat? Short should have been spraying his gat into the street when the first shot rang out. But dude runs to hide and because of his cowardice two officers end up dead. None of this would have happened if my man Tank Johnson were around. When he gets outta jail they need to hand him a badge and send him out to clean up the mean streets of New York—Shaq style. Only to do it Shaq style he’ll need a magic lamp and some blow-up dolls. Kazaaaam!

Arenas makes wagers

Gilbert Arenas was admonished by the NBA for making bets with fans during the Washington Wizards' loss at Portland on Wednesday. Arenas made the bets as he bantered with fans throughout the Wizards' 100-98 loss. He was booed during pregame introductions and whenever he touched the ball because he had promised to score 50 points against the Trail Blazers. After the game, Arenas said he bet a fan $10 that he would make the winning basket. He missed badly -- throwing up a shot that fell short of the rim -- and finished with only 19 points. Arenas later elaborated on his nba.com blog, saying that he made $10 bets with two fans during the game and had obtained their e-mail addresses so that he could pay them off. The NBA since has removed the references to the bets from the blog.

For a guard considered a poor man's Jordan, a $10 wager sounds about right. We all know the real MJ would have had 6-figures riding on the final shot. The NBA should consider itself lucky that it was Arenas and not Allen Iverson wagering with fans. When AI drained the shot at the buzzer and the fan didn't pay up, you may as well just file a missing person's report with the FBI.

Brady not a father

Contrary to what was earlier reported, Us Weekly Magazine reported that Giselle Bundchen's has finally spoken out, denying reports that she's pregnant with boyfriend Tom Brady's child. "It's crazy how people can make up these stories," the Victoria's Secret model complained on the Spanish TV show Corazon de Primavera. "I'm not pregnant and I'm not planning to be pregnant anytime soon. I have so many contracts to do, so many projects." Bundchen added that she feels she's too young to have a child. "It's just something I don't want now - it's something for the future," she said. "I'm 26 years old, for Christ's sake! Why would I have a baby now?"

Well, there are a few lessons we can all learn as a society from this:
1. Don't belive everything you read;
2. Tom Brady is as good with a coathanger as he is with a football.

Crickets can kill

Pakistan's cricket coach Bob Woolmer, 58, was found unconscious in his blood- and vomit-splattered hotel room in Jamaica on Sunday, a day after his team's upset loss to Ireland on St. Patrick's Day sealed Pakistan's elimination from the cricket World Cup. He was later declared dead at a hospital. On Thursday, Police commissioner Lucius Thomas said in a statement that the pathologist report found Bob Woolmer's death was due to "asphyxia as a result of manual strangulation."

Murder aside, you can't help but laugh at the irony here. Afterall, the coach was found choked after his team did the same. The only thing more ironic would be to see that flamer John Amaechi sponteneously combust at a book signing.

Manning is a role model

Peyton Manning hosted Saturday Night Live this past weekend. Knowing how hard it is to make the NFL, it was great to see Manning prividing some guidance to young children and showing them what it takes to play pro football. And by what it takes to play football, I mean get a rap sheet early so the Bengals invite you to their combine.

Poet's Corner

The NBA has its gangsters,
The NHL breeds their goons,
The NFL likes their criminals,
Baseball should choose soon.

Sure they have some drunks,
and some guys beat their wives,
While others pay for blow jobs,
An identidy the league should strive.

Any pub is good pub,
That is what they tell,
Time to solve this problem,
Where is Joey Albert Belle!

La Russa is a drunk

St. Louis Cardinals manager Tony La Russa was arrested early Thursday and charged with misdemeanor DUI after he was found asleep at the wheel in his running SUV at a green light. La Russa's SUV was stopped at a light that, according to police, went through two cycles of green. A driver behind La Russa had to go around his vehicle, police said. Police found La Russa slumped over in the driver's seat of the running SUV. The manager of the world champion Cardinals had his foot on the brake and did not respond to knocks on the window, police said. He finally woke up and parked the car.

The higher powers work in mysterious ways. A day after legendary boozer David Wells says he will give up drinking, La Russa is arrested for driving tanked. But if the drinking equilibrium is to be maintained in MLB, more drunken stupidness needs to be on the menu. What next? Will the cops find Mike Piazza passed out in the back seat of an SUV wearing a pre-op tranny?

Stevens likes jail

Jerramy Stevens added to his long list of driving arrests when the former Seattle Seahawks tight end was arrested last week for driving under the influence and possession of marijuana. Stevens was taken into police custody after he admitted to drinking "four or five margaritas" at a bar in Scotsdale, Arizona. Stevens’ rap sheet includes arrests for second and fourth degree assault, jail time for marijuana possession, sexual assault, various hit and runs, and driving with open champagne bottles in his vehicle. Can you blame someone for wanting to knee this punk in the nads?

Look on the bright side; Stevens’ is trying to clean up his act. He’s owed some props, because at least this time he didn’t crash into the house of a 93 year old woman. If Stevens were smart, he better not sign with the Broncos. Those winding mountain roads are a bitch when you are double the legal limit.

Porter hates Bengals

Pacman’s been garnering most of the attention so far this NFL off-season, so it was good to see an old favourite back at it this week. Former Steelers bad-ass Joey Porter, who recently signed a deal to play with Miami next season, was charged with assault in Las Vegas over the weekend. Apparently he confronted Bengals lineman Levi Jones, who was playing blackjack inside a casino, and the two exchanged trash talk. The confrontation escalated when the two men went outside and began to brawl.

Witnesses describe the brawl as “something out of Rocky”: “They must have each gotten in a good three or four swings. Then all of a sudden, the bigger guy who I found out later was Levi Jones, picked up Joey Porter and tossed him probably 10 feet like he was a rag doll.”

People tried to break up the fight but "Joey Porter broke free and ran full sprint at Levi Jones and dove through the air at him like he was trying to tackle Ladanian Tomlinson. Took him down with a tackle, then the two of them got up. They were throwing fists again.” Apparently Porter later kicked Jones in the head, causing some bleeding.

None of this is surprising. What else was going to happen if you put Joey Porter in the same room with some thug from the Cincinnati Bengals? Levi Jones is going to be humiliated when he shows up for training camp this summer. Not only was he the only Bengal not arrested last year, but he got the shit kicked out of him by a guy who actually signed up to wear teal next season. Jones is lucky though. At least Porter didn’t have his pit bulls with him. The end result is that it looks like Kellon Winslow isn’t the only fag in the AFC North.

Don King likes the Pope

Don King, wearing a blue suit with his preferred high hair style primly flattened for the papal event, gave the Pope a green-and-gold boxing belt and a handwritten letter asking for prayers for people ranging from US President George Bush to the world's sick and aged. "I was thrilled to be there. It was a deep spiritual experience," King told The Associated Press after the two-hour open air audience in St Peter's Square.

Considering King himself is a convicted murderer, hopefully he was smart enough to put his name on the list and slip the pope a hundy. Afterall, killing people and bilking uneducated minorities out of millions of dollars isn’t much different from what the plantation owners did 200 years ago. The only difference is that the southern slaves had the wherewithal to head to Canada. While most of King’s slaves remain in the US looking for beauty pageant contestants to rape.

Tank-you for the jail time

Chicago Bears defensive lineman Tank Johnson was sentenced last week to four months in jail for violating probation in a 2005 gun case. Johnson was arrested on misdemeanor weapons charges Dec. 14 after police raided his home in the Lake County town of Gurnee, about 40 miles northwest of Chicago, and found six unregistered firearms. Before he was sentenced Johnson pleaded with Cook County Circuit Judge John Moran for leniency. "Your honor, I don't believe I'm a man who belongs in jail," he said.

Tank is 100% correct. Prison isn’t meant for parole violators who hoard weapons like they belong to the Michigan Militia. Afterall, packing heat is his constitutional right. Taking away a brother’s gat is like castrating Ron Mexico. A brother ain’t a brother if he doesn’t have a potent 8 inches in his pocket, ready to kill.

Kerney sleeps well

Atlanta police are investigating a rape that occurred at the home NFL defensive end Patrick Kerney. A woman who was staying at his home invited three men back to Kerney’s house for drinks. The woman is claiming to have fallen asleep on a sofa and later woke up in a bedroom to find one of the men raping her. Kerney claims he was home during the assault but that it happened while he was asleep.

It can’t be easy to get a good night’s sleep when someone’s being raped in the adjacent room. It’s more likely that Kerney woke up and thought that he left his bukkake video in the DVD player. Or that or he was too busy enjoying himself while peeping through the hole in the wall. But either way, my guess is that it’s the last time he’ll go out partying with the Utah Jazz.

Tonya Harding loses it

Clark County sheriff's deputies responded to two calls last Sunday involving Tonya Harding, who was described in police reports as "very agitated" and "tweaking out." S gt. Tim Bieber told The Oregonian that police received the first call at 4:56 a.m. According to a police report of the incident, Harding said four men and a woman tried to break into her car and steal it and were trying to stash rifles on the side of her property. Later the same morning, about 9 a.m., police received another call regarding Harding, this time from a friend who told authorities the skater was "tweaking out, seeing animals." Tanya told police she was on "new medication" and was experiencing an adverse reaction. In his report, the deputy wrote that Harding's account was a "very implausible story." He described her as "very agitated" and "glancing everywhere." He noted that the former star skater was "frustrated others can't see the people she sees."

Harding's rap sheet is as impressive as Pacman Jones'. Already on her resume was clubbing Nancy Kerrigan, making drunk homemade porn, driving a pick-up into ditch then serving 10 days for failing a field sobriety test, and tossing a hubcap at her yokel boyfriend. If these two were to ever mate, we would see the birth of uber-psycho 'Mulatto-man', who has the ability to hold up a liquor store while performing a triple axel.

Wells to give up boozing

After a lifetime of boozing and fast food, Padres pitcher David Wells announced yesterday that he has recently been diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes. "Obviously, this is a concern," the left-hander told a San Diego newspaper. "But it's beatable. And I'm going to beat it. It's going to take some lifestyle changes. And I'm already making them. From the time I found out, I made changes. No more starches and sugar. No more rice, pasta, potatoes and white bread. No more fast food. I've cut out alcohol."

I almost spit out my coffee from laughing so hard when I read this. On the scale of most ironic things to ever happen to an athlete this ranks right up there with Greg Louganis announcing he’s HIV positive. I’m pretty sure that Wells’ disease is the result of his food orgy in Africa last November. The only thing funnier would have been if he had caught AIDS after devouring a wild chimpanzee.

Chacin likes to drink

Toronto Blue Jays left-hander Gustavo Chacin was arrested and charged early Friday morning in Tampa, Fla., on a misdemeanor count of driving under the influence. Chacin was stopped by Tampa Police at 3:43 a.m., booked, then released on a $500 bond later in the morning. Police reports said his blood alcohol content measured .150 at the time of his arrest, almost twice the legal limit of .08.

This is the same Gustavo Chacin who had his own fragrance created last year, with ads that ask 'Are you a Chacin man?' To coincide with his arrest this year, it is expected that the scent of the cologne will be reworked to include Hennessy, rosin, and donkey.

Tootoo is loco

Jordin Tootoo of the Nashville Predators will likely face disciplinary action after cold-cocking Stephane Robidas in the chops during Saturday night's NHL game versus the Dallas Stars. Robidas was looking to make a clean hit on Tootoo after he ran Stars legend, Mike Modano hard into the boards.

In Tootoo’s defense, when your mind is pre-occupied with global warming now melting your summer home, it is difficult to tell the difference between a charging defenseman and a charging harp seal. The natural reaction is to start clubbing.

Strahan gets scolded

Michael Strahan was dragged into court last week by his ex-wife, who is still waiting to see the other half of her divorce settlement. Strahan went ballistic last January when a judge ordered him to give her 70% of his net worth. The judge said Strahan acted in "bad faith" by not paying all of the money.

Strahan’s going about this all wrong. If the Juice taught us anything it’s that you’re supposed to hide your fortune in off-shore accounts to avoid having to pay up. And to hack up your ex. I’m not suggesting that Strahan OJ his wife, but at least he wouldn’t have to suffer through the humiliation of having his father-in-law bust up his Heisman.

Maryland is done

#5 seed Butler ousted #4 Maryland in the NCAA March Madness tournament on Saturday afternoon. The Bulldogs held off the Terrapins for a 62-59 win to advance to the sweet 16. A.J. Graves in particular outplayed Maryland star swingman, D.J. Strawberry, who failed to score a point in the first half and finished with eight.

Every sports fan has to be concerned about DJ Strawberry after this hard loss. Afterall, being Darryl Strawberry's son means he’s genetically predisposed to not handling defeat. For his sake, we hope he doesn't try and use his father's coping mechanism to dull the pain of this loss. And by coping mechanism we mean snorting an 8-ball out of a hooker’s cleavage until you can't remember your own name.

Poet's Corner - Haiku

Rose bet on his team.

Never will be in the Hall.

Ruined his careers.

Scot Pollard encourages kids

Cleveland Cavaliers center Scot Pollard was forced to apologize after looking into a television camera during a game last Sunday and saying “Hey kids, do drugs.”

"It was a bad joke… obviously, I don't believe that." Pollard said yesterday. Apparently the Cavaliers didn’t find it funny because they are considering some sort of disciplinary action.

I guess I can believe that Pollard didn’t have any bad intentions and he’ll probably get off lightly. The league’s lucky they that this wasn’t Damon Stoudamire though. Cause if it had been he would have given a soliloquy about the virtues of smoking dope including a few tips he’s learned along the way. Like not to trust your friends when they invite you to a hotel room full of dope and that airport metal detectors easily sense tinfoil.

Marbury is cheap

$17 Million man Stephon Marbury of the New York Knicks, is trying to give back to the ghetto by endorsing and pimping out $15 sneakers. "I just wanted to do something different to make a difference," said Marbury. Marbury wants to use his fame to make a low-priced basketball shoe popular and reduce the pressure to buy the $100 to $200 Nikes, Reeboks and others. He says his shoe, the Starbury – sold exclusively by American retailer Steve & Barry's – is as well made as the expensive ones. To prove it, he wears them in all his basketball games.

Marbury has good intentions, but in the ghetto, it is about street cred, nothing else. It is great that welfare kids can now afford NBA sneaks, but even if these shoes are cool, you don’t get a rep by struttin' around town with pimpin’ shoes. You earn it by knifing the kid who is wearing them, whether they cost $15 or $200. Moral of the story is, if Marbury is making $17 mill large a year, and can only afford to wear $15 sneakers, the logical explanation is he is snorting the balance of his paycheque, yo.

David Wells kills, then eats wild animals

David Wells returned from his month long African hunting trip and basically treated the entire continent as an all you can eat buffet. "Ostrich was phenomenal. Warthog was outstanding. A little different taste, but it's really good," the Padres' pitcher said recently while recounting his November trip. "Hartebeest, wildebeest, gazelle, all that stuff. Very, very tasty."

Boomer showed no sympathy in devouring a dik-dik (a furry antelope-like creature) saying, "that was probably one of the best-eating things I had. Cute little suckers, too. It's just the zebra you don't want to eat. We shot them for bait. For lions.”

If Boomer can find a way satisfy his thirst for red meat, I don’t understand how there are millions of people starving over there. When Wells finally gives up baseball he should start up a show on the Discovery Channel and call it “Boomer’s Really Wild Kingdom”. Only instead of trying to save the planet, he’ll make his way around the African horn in a dune buggy mounted with a Gatling gun and teach the locals how to hunt. And at night he’ll show them how to party ‘Boomer-style’: lots of broads, lots of booze, and ‘tasty’ endangered animals on the BBQ.

Alexander held out

Shaun Alexander has written an autobiography, and in it he says he was a virgin until he married Valerie Boyd in 2002 and that they never even kissed until they stood at the altar and directed to do so by the pastor. He was 24 years old. Alexander has been very open about his beliefs that sex before marriage is wrong. He told Howard Stern about his beliefs last year, while also saying he'd be OK with a gay player in the locker room, even though he didn't think "it was right." And he apparently believes God told him via a series of sexual dreams that he should maintain his vow of abstinence.

This is a lot different then the message that Jesus sent me in my 20's. He told me to go bang as many skanks as possible, even if I have to pay. What he didn't tell me about was the burning sensation that I would feel the next day. Although I guess it was my own fault in retrospect. People tried to tell me that just because he hadn't shaved in years and had a propensity to hammer nails into his hands while hanging pictures that didn’t mean the dorm janitor was the son of God.

Mary-Jane is everywhere, where was you brought up?

Last week, mixed martial artist Nick Diaz tested positive for marijuana following his stunning submission win over Takanori Gomi on Feb. 24. Diaz surprised the Japanese organization's 161-pound champion, in spectacular fashion. Afterwards, it was learned that Diaz had suffered a fractured orbital bone and was medically suspended up to six months. While the NSAC has discretion, suspensions for the use of marijuana have been for a similar period of time.

In a sport where you need razor sharp reflexes to ensure you don't get killed, it boggles the mind why one would be suspended for using the chronic. Afterall, if you want to enter the ring sluggish, and risk not making weight after a bought of the midnight munchies, that's your perogative. Just like riding shot-gun with Dany Heatley.

Move over Artest and Jackson

The Indiana Pacer's mascot Boomer, a 6-foot-tall blue cat with gold whiskers stuck with team policy by getting mixed up with the law. A former Pacers fan, Nathaniel Jackson, alleges in his lawsuit against the NBA team and the performer who portrays the feline mascot that as he entered Conseco Fieldhouse for a March 11, 2005 game against Golden State he was asked to take part in a free-throw shooting contest during a timeout. Jackson initially declined, saying he was recovering from back surgery but was assured that "there would be no reason for concern or injury," according to the lawsuit filed. After taking part in the free-throw contest, the lawsuit states that Jackson began to leave the basketball court but was tackled from behind by the team's mascot. An employee who knew about Jackson's back surgery immediately told the mascot about the surgery, and Boomer responded by kicking at Jackson's legs, the lawsuit alleges.

From a first class organization that breeds gangsters like Ron Artest and Stephen 'dump' Jackson, you'd expect their 'friendly mascot' to be part of the gang. If you are ever stupid lucky enough to get tickets to a Pacers game, make sure you have exact change for the hot-dog vendor. That is unless you enjoy being rolled down concrete stairs and being kicked in the nads by the team's marketing rep. The NBA, it's ghetto-fabulous!

Pacman assaulted

The comic book that is Pacman Jones’ life entered its next chapter last weekend when he was the victim of a knife attack. Pacman was out at a bowling ally near his home in Tennessee last Friday night when the incident occurred. Another patron apparently started a confrontation with Pacman that eventually escalated. Police are saying that the assailant produced a pocketknife and “threatened to beat [Pacman] up and to use the knife on him.” Pacman was unhurt during the exchange and police arrived quickly to arrest the would-be attacker.

What the hell is Pacman doing in a bowling alley? Last time I checked bowling was pretty low on the list of favourite ghetto sports. Down there with darts, croquet, and safe sex. Pacman’s life is so ridiculous. Even when he’s trying to steer clear of trouble by avoiding nightclubs and strippers the cops get called in all the same. This guy has an incredible gift to attract problems wherever he goes. Pacman’s the only guy I know who can go to a drive-thru and end-up caught in the middle of a drive-by.

Police are saying that Pacman was in no way responsible for the situation, “[he was] just trying to be a normal customer, trying to bowl.” I am a little skeptical though. How likely is it that some lunatic chose Pacman of all people to start a fight with? These guys probably go way back together. And by “way back” I mean last month at the Minxx gentlemen’s club. And I’m expecting this guy to have cornrows in his hair.

Jags have arrest #4

Jacksonville Jaguars receiver Charles Sharon was charged with stealing a handgun that police said was found under the seat of the player's sport utility vehicle during a drug-related search. He is the 4th Jaguar arrested since the beginning of last season. Sharon and a companion were arrested Saturday night after a Tampa police officer noticed the odor of marijuana coming from Sharon's SUV parked in the Ybor City entertainment district, a police report said. A search of the vehicle turned up a Glock Model 27 handgun under the driver's seat. Tampa police reported that the gun was stolen last year from a Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms agent in Putnam County. Sharon was charged with grand theft of a firearm and carrying a concealed firearm, both felonies, while his companion, Jebidiah Crawford, was charged with misdemeanor possession of marijuana after an officer found less than an ounce of it in a Jaguars duffel bag in Sharon's vehicle.

What is Crawford thinking? When the moneymaker in your posse is facing felony charges, you take the rap - no questions asked. Even if you have to do some hard time, how are you going to pay yo' baby's momma when your gravy train is wearing stripes? This is as elementary as 1, 2, 3. And by 1, 2, 3, I mean one so called homie plus two felony charges equals no NFL career and serving combo 3's at KFC upon release.

Simon is crazy

On Sunday, the NHL suspended NHL enforcer Chris Simon for a minimum of 25 games for the two-handed face massage he gave New York Ranger Ryan Hollweg. This was in retaliation to Hollweg hitting Simon from behind seconds earlier.

Hollweg is lucky he is alive. Simon and his mates are not the type to be run face first into the glass and not retaliate. I mean, nothing will get them angrier than trying to end their money making ventures other than possibly revoking thier casino licenses or illegally expropriating some land.

Poet's Corner

What will happen in baseball?
No one knows.
Let’s take a guess,
Here we go:

Prince Fielder's still fat,
A-Rod will choke,
Jeter bangs sluts,
And that is no joke.

Prior and Wood
Will be hurt again,
On the DL by
April Seven.

Bay and Morneau,
Lead the Canadian charge.
Piazza and Tadano,
Take it 8 large.

The Yankees will buy
Expesive talent.
While the league
Sits back and laments.

Let the season end,
For the Brew Crew
Eliminated in April
Fans already knew.

They play on turf;
They play on grass;
Hopefully we don’t see
Canseco injecting more ass.

The A’s will charge late.
Bonds will beat Hank.
With his drug scandal,
Fans say no thanks.

Let’s start the season
And see the bad calls.
The smell of hotdogs,
Now that’s baseball.

Tom Brady needs some domes

For the second time in two weeks, another one of Tom Brady's conquests is claiming to be carrying his seed. According to the popular celebrity website Glamurama.com.br , current girlfriend Gisele Bundchen is no more than two months pregnant with Tom's love child.

It looks like Tom Brady's balls have as much potency off the field as they do on it. Tom needs to get back to the basics by thinking with a football perspective if he is to stop knocking up every chick he dates. Scoring by splitting the uprights is all good, but you get the big points when you toss it into the 'end zone'.

Rocker is off his Rocker

Former major league relief pitcher John Rocker told ESPN Radio on Wednesday that he was directed by doctors to take over-the-counter supplements that would raise his human growth hormone levels -- and that he never purchased human growth hormone with a prescription. "I never had a prescription for any HGH. If somebody's got a beef to make with me, show me a prescription," he told guest host Erik Kuselias on ESPN Radio's "The Herd." Rocker's account contradicted a report linking Rocker with a pharmacy in Alabama raided in connection with an investigation into sales of performance-enhancing substances. It also contradicted Rocker's own publicist, who told the New York Daily News that Rocker admitted using HGH but said he needed the substance for medical reasons.

If I had to believe someone here, I would have to side with John Rocker. After all, the guy’s image was destroyed long ago after making disparaging remarks about NYC like "It's the most hectic, nerve-racking city. Imagine having to take the 7 Train to the ballpark, looking like you're riding through Beirut next to some kid with purple hair, next to some queer with AIDS, right next to some dude who just got out of jail for the fourth time, right next to some 20-year-old mom with four kids. It's depressing." There‘s no sense in trying to tarnish him even more. This is like trying to make news that convicted murderer Rae Carruth was a serial jaywalker.

Why we hate soccer

In a European soccer match last week, Gilardino shows why everyone in North America hates soccer. Diving is best left to scuba aficionados. And swans.

Forbes ranks people

Forbes magazine rated all of the GM's in the 4 major sports to see who was the pinnacle. General Managers were graded on two things: performance vs. the performance of their predecessor, and payroll relative to the league median when compared to their predecessor. Because winning is more important than payroll, Forbes double-weighted winning percentage to penalize a GM who cut costs but also hurt his team's winning percentage.

The top 5 GM's were:
1. Kevin McHale, Minnesota (NBA)
2. Jay Feaster, Tampa Bay (NHL)
3. Billy King, Philadelphia (NBA)
4. A.J. Smith, San Diego (NFL)
5. Lou Lamoriello, New Jersey (NHL)

Although Forbe's formula has its flaws, the Throwing Smoke team has developed an iron clad formula to rank the top pro athletes in the 4 major sports. The highest score reigned supreme. The formula used is:

annual salary x # of sluts banged
---------------------------------
bastard kids x STD's x arrests

Our computers tabulated the results. Our top 5 pro athletes of 2007 are:
1. Derek Jeter, New York (MLB)
2. Vincent Lecavalier, Tampa Bay (NHL)
3. Mike Piazza, Oakland (MLB)*
4. Brian Urlacher, Chicago (NFL)**
5. Shaquille O'Neal, Miama (NBA)***

* sluts includes both men and women
** results tentative until confirmation he didn't get herpes from Paris Hilton
*** even though he is married, he still hits it (according to Kobe anyways). Arrests do not include ones MADE by Shaq

Players who fell off last year’s list include:
Tom Brady for fathering an illegitimate kid;
Michael Vick for creating 2 new STD's in the cesspool he calls a dick

They start so young

In NCAA news, South Carolina quarterback Stephen Garcia has been suspended for the Gamecocks' upcoming spring practice. Garcia was arrested Saturday for keying a professor's car. And last month, the 19-year-old was arrested and charged with drunkenness and failing to stop for a police officer.

Although keying a car and running from the cops isn’t all that bad-ass, it’s all part of the process of becoming a professional quarterback felon. And getting a draft day nod from the Bengals.

Bly is a great teammate

Nothing makes you respected in your new clubhouse like whining like a bitch. The Washington Post, citing several NFL sources, reported Monday that Bly was upset at being traded by the Detroit Lions to the Denver Broncos and wanted to go to Washington, instead. Citing unnamed players, The Post reported that Bly is miffed at being in Denver because the Broncos are unwilling to extend his contract, which has one year and $4.2 million remaining. The Redskins, however, reportedly were willing to give Bly a lucrative new extension, The Post reported. And playing with the Redskins would allow Bly, who is from Chesapeake, Va., to play close to home.

If you are going to make your teammates despise you, do it ghetto style, yo. Bly may as well have gone straight to Coach Shanahan's house with a glock, some cellists and a few bottles of Dom Perignon. Nothing says ‘thanks, but no-thanks’ like tying up the coach and making him watch you give drunk anal to his wife while the cellists rip off Joy to the World. That’s what being a modern professional footballer lunatic is all about.

Boxing hurts your head

Not surpisingly, yet another boxer is in a coma with brain damage. Flyweight Victor Burgos of Mexico remains in a medically induced coma after undergoing surgery earlier this week to remove a blood clot in his brain to reduce swelling after he was injured in a world title fight Saturday night. Burgos, a former junior flyweight titlist, suffered the injury during a 12th-round knockout loss to flyweight beltholder Vic Darchinyan.

As only a small percentage of boxers actually get rich and famous, taking anal from Tommy 'the Aids' Morrisson gives you a better chance of being a healthy millionaire when all is said and done. Having a lot of green is great, but when you can't go anywhere to spend it because you’re too busy pissing yourself uncontrollably, what good is it? Not everyone can be as lucky as Ali though. Even after decades of getting his head smashed in he still “floats like a butterfly and stings like a bee”. Only instead of quick footwork and a deft touch he flaps his arms uncontrollably and is confined to a wheel chair. Yeah, he’s still the champ. And by champ I mean chump. And by chump I mean he probably still gets more snatch than I do.

What gives in San Fran?

Last year we got to see Barry Bonds dress in drag during San Francisco Giants spring training. This year another Barry (Zito) delivered the transsexual goods. I pray to god they don't try and bring David Wells to camp. Seeing his navel exposed in a half-tee ranks up there with taking a sledgehammer to my enormous penis. This is what happens when you spend too much time in San Francisco. There is no word if pistol lover and Oakland A's prospect Kazuhito Tadano was walked into Billy Beane's office demanding a trade across the bay.

Artest goes Artest

I’m sure you’re all sick of hearing about Ron Artest, but seriously, this guy just doesn’t stop. He’s like Darryl Strawberry circa 1995, less the coke. And less cancer. Yesterday he was arrested by cops for knocking around some broad at his mansion in Sacramento. Apparently they were engaged in an argument and Artest threw her repeatedly to the floor. She attempted to call 911 but Artest physically prevented her from doing so. And in case you were wondering, yes, as usual, there was a toddler witness to the whole event.

The cops were eventually alerted to the situation and arrived to arrest Artest (see mug left). More details are sure to surface over the next few days, but the Sacramento Kings have wasted no time in indefinitely suspending their ghetto superstar.

Basically, domestic assault was the only thing missing from Ronnie A’s rap sheet, and I’m sure he’s relieved to finally get this monkey off his back. He’s got so much street cred it's sick.

Jazz players cleared of rape

I have no idea how this stayed quiet for so long, but word has emerged that four Utah Jazz basketball players were accused of raping a stripper in Portland last October. None of the players involved, Dee Brown, Deron Williams, Ronnie Brewer and Paul Milsap, will be criminally charged because the accuser is not able to positively identify which two of the players actually raped her. All four players deny having raped the woman.

Apparently the four players picked up the stripper at a nuddie bar and brought her back to their hotel in a taxi. According to the cab driver’s statement, the stripper had expressed an interest in having sex with two of the players at the same time, so they had the cabbie stop at a convenience store so Brewer could grab a pack of domes (Shawn Kemp, are you paying attention?).

Front desk staff told police that when the four players arrived at the hotel they had to spend some time trying to convince the woman to actually come up to their room. She eventually relented, but appeared 40 minutes later back in the lobby stark naked and crying. She appeared to be extremely intoxicated and was screaming that she had been raped.

Deron Williams said he was initially in the room with the woman, but left not long afterward. “Williams stated he observed [the woman] becoming upset and crying, stating she had been raped three times before and did not want to be raped again,” according to a police memo. “Williams said [she] was crying even though no one had touched her.” Ronnie Brewer stated he decided not to have sexual intercourse with [her] because she was too drunk and acting strangely.” The players agreed among them that no one would have sex with her, in part because of her saying she had been raped in the past.

As far as I’m concerned this one’s a toss-up. It’s the word of a stripper versus the word of four NBA thugs. I’m not buying the fact that these guys didn’t have gang sex with the whore, cause what else is gonna happen if you lock four brothers in a room with a drunk naked stripper? The only issue is whether this skank was looking to con these guys out of some hush money or if they actually gang raped her. The fact that she was naked and hysterical in the lobby has no bearing on the case. You’d be freaking hysterical too after taking four huge black cocks in the span of 40 minutes.

Radmanovic loves snow jobs

The Los Angeles Lakers fined Vladimir Radmanovic $500,000 on Thursday -- nearly 10 percent of his $5.2 million season salary -- for violating his contract by snowboarding, which led to a separated shoulder injury which will keep him out of action for 2 months. He admitted last week that he lied to the Lakers when he said he fell on a patch of ice while walking. He apologized to coach Phil Jackson and general manager Mitch Kupchak.

The Lakers should be relieved that Radmanovic only went snowboarding and not on a fishing trip over the break with Kobe Bryant and Lamar Odom. If there is anything Tim Crews, Bob Ojeda and Steve Olin taught us, it is teammates should not fraternize outside of the locker room or risk being fish food. But in Kobe's case, at least this would stop him from raping white girls.

Throwing Smoke Update

Periodically, the writers of Throwing Smoke will update stories previously reported:

Tommy Morrison won his fight last Thursday with a second round TKO over John Castle. If you don't want HIV, now add Castle to the list of people never to share a toothbrush with.

Tim Hardaway was banished during all-star weekend last month by the NBA. Hardaway had already been in Las Vegas to make a series of public appearances on behalf of the league. But after saying, "I hate gay people" during a radio interview, Commissioner David Stern stepped in. That is just as well for Hardaway as one of Pacman's posse would have probably shot him at a strip club.

With the latest steroid scandal, Dick Pound just got another erection.

Sam Cassell - Still ugly

Floyd Mayweather Sr. will in fact be in his son's corner for his fight against Oscar De La Hoya on May 5th. That is unless Oscar ponies up $2mill or he gets arrested for smuggling coke in detergent boxes again.

Mark Messier's jersey retirement came and went in Edmonton last weekend. Expect a baby boom in Oil-town in 9 months.

Poet's Corner

Canseco and Balco were the tip of the iceberg,
Holyfield and Matthews Jr. are implicated as the
East coast is now in da steroid house;
All through online ordering.
The integrity of sport is nearing an end
Either they allow drugs or fight a losing battle
Roids will end up killing you,
So if that is the price they accept, let them be.

Daly gets hurt easy

John Daly was forced to withdraw from the Honda Classic on Thursday with an injury suffered when he tried to stop his backswing after a fan snapped a picture. He reportedly glared at the fan, tried to hit the shot again but was in so much pain he couldn't continue.

For a 500 pound sloth who stumbles his way around life in a motorhome tanked on JD, I'm shocked Daly doesn't hurt himself more often. Like when he has to search for his driver amongst the rolling hills of fat.

Sports Illustrated may damage your liver

Guests at Sports Illustrated's swimsuit issue party on Feb. 14 and a dozen other events may have been exposed to Hepatitis A, which was diagnosed in an employee of Wolfgang Puck Catering, authorities said Tuesday. The Los Angeles County Department of Public Health urged anyone who ate raw food at the Sports Illustrated event, held at the Pacific Design Center in West Hollywood, to receive an immune globulin shot by Wednesday.

If I was to list possible diseases to break out at an SI swimsuit party, this wouldn't have made my top 10. This is like going to Michael Vick's house for unprotected sex and leaving with only a cold.

Pacman claims his innocence

Pacman Jones’ female publicist Cheryl Moss, who was also a witness to the strip club melee, released a statement yesterday denying that Pacman and his entourage had anything to do with causing the brawl which eventually led to three people being shot.

I’m not buying any of this “Pacman is innocent” bullshit. And there’s a whole lotta laughs to be had reading Moss’ account of how things went down:

With his daughter's first birthday just days away and his parents staying with him at Caesar's Palace, Jones didn't come to Las Vegas looking for trouble, Moss said. He took his mother shopping, gambled a bit with his stepfather and competed in the finals of the Hip Hop Gaming League, a video game competition. Throughout the weekend, he attended several parties, including the one at Minxx’s.

Moss says that the whole thing started when the club arranged for 40 strippers to gather on stage so that well-heeled patrons like Jones and rapper Nelly, who was also in attendance, could shower them with dollar bills.

An expert in nuddie bar protocol, Moss says that when there is more than one dancer on stage, management is supposed to collect the money and divide it evenly between the dancers. In this case however, one woman apparently scooped up some cash, and a fight broke out that pitted one stripper against three others. Sadia Morrison, Jones' female stylist, tried to pull the underdog stripper off stage to protect her and was drawn into the fracas, Moss said.

Moss claims that during the distraction, Houston-based promoter and party organizer Chris Mitchell tried to snatch Jones' bag of dollar bills, but ran into Pacman’s bodyguard who started to rough him up. Spying the struggle, a club bouncer rushed in and maced the bodyguard while another bouncer put a headlock on Jones. From there Moss said the fighting spun out of control with more bouncers joining the fray and roughing up Jones' friends and other patrons — anyone within "swinging distance."

Club staff say Pacman’s female stylist eventually hit a bouncer on the head with a bottle of Dom Perignon, but Moss disputed that claim, saying that Morrison was beaten repeatedly at the hands of club security while being taunted with racial slurs.

Club bouncers "were completely out of line," said Moss, who added Jones and Morrison left covered in their own blood. "I was there. He was victimized. They kicked Pac's (rear end)."

Moss concluded by saying that Pacman "makes poor decisions, has poor impulse control," but he's innocent. "His disposition and aura are not one of violence."

Is she out of her freakin’ mind? At least Pacman’s uncle keeps it real when he told the press earlier this week that, “(Pacman’s) out of control. I've told him I think he is out of damn control, but he doesn't want to hear it.”

Moss’ account of what went down has absolutely nothing in common with club owner Robert Susnar’s version of events. But despite all of Moss’ denials she didn’t even bother trying to defend Pacman against the claim that he repeatedly beat up a stripper during the episode. This isn’t really surprising though. If there’s one thing you can always count on from Pacman, its how he treats the ladies with such class and respect. When he brings three female employees to the strip club that’s his way of saying thanks for the great work they did last year. I guess they’re lucky though, at least he didn’t show his affection by spitting in their face.

Artest hates anything living

Placer County animal control officers have gone to Ron Artest’s five-acre estate seven times since July in response to callers’ complaints about dogs being loose or not being fed. Dogs owned by the Sacramento Kings forward have spent a total of 77 nights at the pound since July because of poor care by their owner, costing the NBA star $1,942 in boarding and impound fees, county records show. “I have a new professional doggy watcher from out of state that will help me train my dogs better,” he wrote. “I’m horrible at that. “I love my dogs and think they should be able to live (as) freely as possible.”

If basketball or rapping doesn't pan out for Artest, he may have another career lined up. With the William’s sisters looking like overweight dogs in their tennis return, Serena and Venus should get Artest's digits and line him up as their nutritionist, as they clearly need his help. To Starve. Or Die.