Kidd suffers through spousal abuse

New Jersey Nets star Jason Kidd filed for divorce from his wife of 10 years Tuesday, accusing her of "extreme cruelty" throughout their marriage. In the papers filed, Kidd accuses his estranged wife Joumana of physically and mentally abusing him, threatening to make false domestic violence complaints against him to police, and of interfering with his relationship with his children. And we thought Chuck Finley was a pussy when left his wife after she kicked him with her high-heeled boots, and severely twisted his ear.

Instead of filing for divorce these guys should be taking a page out of Kobe’s book. Kobe knows that a good relationship is based on give and take. And by take I mean he rapes all the white girls he wants. And by give I mean his wife gets a bunch of bling.

Topless IS Technical

In the latest topless sports news, the “girls” from the Canterbury women's rugby team in Kent were blasted after performing a topless war dance for their raunchy 2007 calendar. Academics have labeled their interpretation of the All Blacks' Ka Mate haka as racially ignorant.

What kind of academics are these? If they knew anything, they would have concluded that this calendar is ignorant because it has some huge rugby pigs naked in it. Buying this calendar would be like paying to see Rosie O'Donnell in a peep show. Or pouring acid in your eyes.

Kicker falls down

In a bizarre story, Southern California kicker Mario Danelo was found dead after falling down a 120 foot rocky cliff this past weekend. "It was fairly apparent that this was either an accident or suicide," said Lt. Paul Vernon.

I would have bet my house that if a kicker was found at the bottom of a cliff it would have been Scott Norwood's mangled body.

T.O. fires Saviour

Terrell Owens has fired his publicist, Kim Etheredge. You may recall that she was the person who dialed 911 when T.O. overdosed on pills.
I can't really blame Owens for not wanting Kim around after she stopped him from doing the most important thing of his life. Ending it. We have an idea for his new publicist - Jack Kevorkian. Slap on that tourniquet Terrell!

McGwire shunned

Cal Ripken and Tony Gwynn were elected into the baseball hall of fame yesterday. Suspected steroid user Mark McGwire fell well short of entry into the hall with only 23% of the votes. How easily everyone forgets that McGwire helped resurrect the game following the strike with his tape measure dingers. The long and short of it is baseball is like an ex-wife – they love you when you bring home the freaking bacon. But get caught boinking your secretary and you will pay for it forever.

Buckeyes destroyed by the Gators

In a big upset, the Florida Gators destroyed the Ohio State Buckeye’s 41-14 in last night’s BCS Championship game. I’m not sure why the NCAA bothers to wait a month after the regular season before playing its title game. This is like not getting laid for a month then thinking you will perform like Ron Jeremy when you go out with a hot slut. Sure you may think it was the best 30 seconds of your life, but you realize otherwise when you're known around town as the two-pump chump. This didn’t happen to me, I am just saying.

ESPN = Exta Small Penis Network

There are reports that Sean Salisbury has been suspended for emailing pictures he took of his rod on his cell phone to female co-workers. I am amazed at the size of his penis, or lack there of, if it fits on a cell phone camera. When I had my manhood photographed at work I had to get the receptionist to take the picture from across the office. Then after I emailed it around to all female staff, I didn't get suspended. On the contrary, I actually had girls sleeping under my desk so they could get the first crack at my morning wood!

T.O. suicide watch

Once again Terrell Owens was a non-factor in yet another playoff game this weekend. Though he’s probably gotten used to it by now. I bet what’s really burning his ass is the fact that the Eagles won their playoff game against the Giants. Those same Eagles that Owens played for last year before being cut loose after feuding with all-star quarterback Donovan McNabb and previously telling Sports Illustrated that current QB Jeff Garcia is gay.

This has to depress the mentally unstable Owens. And for the sake of humanity, we hope he had a refill on that bottle of sleeping pills. This isn't to imply that T.O. is hated by the entire world, but if the Iraqi's had had a choice in who they hung last week you can be damn sure it wouldn’t have been Saddam.

Tiki retires while he's ahead

New York Giants running back Tiki Barber made his retirement official yesterday after his team's playoff loss to the Eagles.

As he never gets caught wired on coke or soliciting hookers Tiki wouldn't normally warrant discussion on this site. But we find it pretty amazing how an NFL player in the new millennium can retire without a criminal record. I'm not saying he's an Uncle Tom, but he does make Eli Manning look hood.

Uh-oh Romo

Dallas Cowboy's quarter back Tony Romo fumbled the snap on the would be winning field goal in Saturday's NFC wild-card game. The Cowboys lost to the Seattle Seahawks 21-20 as a result of Romo's blunder. This disaster takes Romo from the saviour of the team to needing to be crusified. Now that I think of it, this sounds exactly like the story about Jesus. No, not that Jesus; Jesus Sanchez, the Mexican who works at the Taco Express by my house. That bastard is always dropping my burritos. Plus I hear he also did Carrie Underwood.

Poet's Corner

Supporters of Landis have developed a site,
As he will go broke,
To fight his doping allegations,
What a joke.

The lesson is to never trust the French,
Or bike and drink,
But when you take roids,
You are left with no title and a tiny dink

Juiced Balls

On Wednesday Universal Medical Systems Inc., which specializes in quantitative imaging, released a report concluding that the baseballs used in 1998, the year Mark McGwire hit 70 home-runs, where “juiced”. This conclusion was reached by examining 35 baseballs using a CT scan. So while there are people all over the country waiting for appointments to find out about life-threatening illnesses, and I'm personally waiting to get my rod scanned to determine if my lump is cancer or if I just grew to 9 inches, these idiots are scanning freaking baseballs?

The report did not disclose whether the juiced baseballs had shrunk the like balls of the juiced players. We will keep you posted.

Tyson Loves Dope

More fun on the Tyson front. The interview he gave police after his arrest this week has now become public. If you’ve got 5 minutes its definitely worth the read. Tyson is one screwed up dude. The former champ told cops he smokes cocaine that he packs into Marlboro cigarettes, is unable to roll his own joints, and gets "a little crazy" without the use of the antidepressant Zoloft. Tyson also claimed that he takes all three drugs at the same time because it makes him feel “good.”

If offering clandestine breast enhancement surgery in my basement makes me a doctor, then I’m totally qualified to offer a prognosis. And if Tyson says this drug cocktail makes him feel “good” we should be prescribing as much coke, weed, and Zoloft to him as possible. When he’s not feeling good he’s a threat to every child that he comes into contact with. And “threat” is a nice way of saying he’ll eat them.

Popozao - Get that Brazil booty on the floor!

Daniela Cicarelli, model and ex-wife of soccer great Ronaldo, sued YouTube after a video of her having sex on a beach with her new boyfriend was posted to the site. It can’t be too good to see video of your hot ex-wife taking cock from someone else all over the internet. But Ronaldo, it could be worse. You could have been Bobby Abreau and witnessed your Miss Universe fiancé getting railed by some other dude on a reality TV show. Everybody gotsta be hearin’ what Dr. Dre be sayin’: ‘You can’t make a ho a housewife’ yo.

Note: The video has been removed from YouTube. Trust us, we looked for days. But if you do find it, please post the link in the comments section for our fans.

Bengals Restocking Talent

The Cincinnati Bengals have announced the signing of free-agent defensive end Jason Berryman. Whose Jason Berryman you ask? He’s that idiot who spent 2004 in a jail cell for having attacked a fellow Iowa State student and stealing four of his dollars.

I’m guessing Berryman wasn’t at Iowa State on an academic scholarship. Who the hell attacks someone for four dollars? Are the Cincinnati Bengals out of their minds? They should be cutting criminals not signing them. Seriously, this strategy of amassing gangsters, thugs, and convicts on their roster didn’t really pay off for them this season. Sure, they intimidate the opposition, but it’s tough to make a tackle when you’re wearing leg irons.

The Model and the Hick

Last Wednesday, supermodel Niki Taylor married NASCAR driver Burney Lamar. If a no-name NASCAR hick who drives a car in a circle for a living can bag a supermodel and mother of two, I am giving up my day job. Britney when you are ready I will be doing donuts in the parking lot in my red pickup! Just throw your kids in the back and hop in! I just hope for Niki’s sake that when Burney has to pick up the kids from school there isn’t a right turn, or they are screwed!

Italian GM gets head

Italian soccer General Manager Rino Foschi of Palermo received a severed head of a young goat, covered in blood for Christmas from an unknown sender. Foschi said he received the package on Dec. 22, put it underneath his Christmas tree and his wife opened it on Christmas Eve.

This is even a worse Christmas gift than the one I got my wife. Honestly, I thought she would love to meet Jenny Craig and all of those delicious low calorie dishes. When she was crying for hours in the corner, they looked like tears of joy to me; that is until she gave me her gift – a kick in the scrotum.

Tyson finally makes an appearance

Now here’s a late Christmas gift. Mike Tyson was arrested earlier this week for driving under the influence. When the cops searched him they found two bags of cocaine in his back pocket. Crazy Mike confessed to possessing the drug and that he “uses it anytime he can get his hands on it.”

Well that settles that. We were all wondering what Tyson was up to when he didn’t bother to show up last month for that gala dinner that his few remaining fans paid $500 each to attend. All that coke must have clouded his judgment cause $500 a head buys a hell of a lot of eightballs. You can say what you want about Doc Gooden, but at least he has enough sense to show up when it involves that much blow.

Tyson is quietly moving up in the heavyweight rankings again. And by heavyweight rankings I mean his life is accelerating into a brick wall. Assault, Rape, Facial Tattoos, Bankruptcy, Consumption of Human Flesh, and now Cocaine Addiction. His rap sheet would make Allen Iverson blush. All he needs to do now is kill Don King and he will threaten to unseat perennial heavyweight champion O.J. Simpson.

Denver is turning ghetto

Broncos cornerback Darrent Williams was killed early Monday when his white stretch Hummer was sprayed by bullets after a nightclub dispute following a New Year's Eve party. The limousine was fired on from a vehicle that pulled up along its side, hitting three people, a police spokesman said. As many as a dozen bullet holes were visible on the driver's side of the vehicle. One window was blown out.

Is it a coincidence that a Denver player got shot mere weeks after Allen Iverson came rolling into town? A.I.’s rap album sets out the scenario perfectly: “Gats in each hand, twin 45's in mines; Snipers hittin niggaz long distance for a rate; Sons and daughters, one order you'll be floatin in water.” This is what happens when you introduce ghetto culture to a relatively quiet and sleepy community.

During my ski trip to Aspen next week, I fully expect to see the Bronco’s white-collared place kicker Jason Elam pimped out in a Bentley full of hoes, ripped on Hennessy with his car bouncing at the red light. But you can be damn sure I will have my vest on ready to get my glock out to rip off a few rounds. As they say, when in the Ghetto, do as the gangsta's do. Or something like dat. Yo.

Sabres Scalp Nolan

New York Islanders coach Ted Nolan’s much anticipated return to Buffalo was spoiled by a great performance by the Sabres. This hockey team is my new favorite bunch of heroes. Not only are they in first place in their conference but they disappoint Natives. Someone charter these boys a bus to Caledonia.

Yakoo can't run a business

Two people were found stabbed to death on Tuesday at a sports bar owned by Detroit Red Wings defenceman Chris "Yakoo" Chelios. The victims, both employees of Cheli's Chili Bar, appeared to have been killed before the restaurant opened. When seeing what type of meat gets carved at Chelios’ restaurant, no one can knock the Chinese restaurants anymore for serving breaded dog and calling it a chicken ball. But it sure beats roasted aspiring actor skewered on a hockey stick.

MJ single again

Michael Jordan, who has an estimated net worth of about $400 million, and his wife Juanita of 17 years, announced their divorce in a statement issued by their lawyers on Friday. You may recall that Juanita withdrew a divorce petition in 2002 and the couple said at the time they would attempt to mend their marriage. I guess it didn't work.

With MJ being yesterday's news on the court, Juanita no longer has to put up with his gambling and adultery.
But as for MJ, holy shit dude, give Juanita a call, maybe you can save $200,000,000. Forget the fact that you will be banging the same old box over and over for the rest of your life and you may not be on the best terms, but you saw how well you did trying to scoop chicks with Jeter last week. We are talking about Derek freaking Jeter ! He owns NYC. So if you can't get ass with him, your only option is to stay with your wife, and save the cash by using it instead to make a paper mache doll slut out of $1,000,000 bills. Sure banging the doll may hurt for a while and she may not be very lively in the sack, but I bet she will do anal.

NFL players love jail

Minnesota Vikings wide receiver Travis Taylor was arrested early Monday outside a downtown nightclub when he refused an officer's request that he get into a waiting limousine-bus as police tried to disperse a large, unruly crowd so an ambulance could get through around 2:30 a.m. Taylor was not allowing the bus to leave and began pushing the officer, who eventually used a taser to subdue Taylor.

The f***'ing nerve!!! Doesn't the cop know how hard it is to get into a Minnesota club? You can't ask a brotha to leave his place in line. But in reality, when the next Viking is arrested, unless I hear the words 'sex' and 'boat' in the same sentance, I really don't care.

New Year's Resolutions

Here at Throwing Smoke professional athletes won't talk to us, yet, but then again neither will our mothers, so we don't know what new year's resolutions players really have so here is what we speculated:

T.O. - Keep counting his 25 million reasons to live
Marvin Lewis (Bengals coach) - Only have 5 players arrested
Sam Cassell - Bring sexy back
David Stern - Learn ebonics to try and be more 'hood'. Word.
Dany Heatley - Keep his car on the road
A.I. - Help Carmello Anthony stay away from being arrested for misdemeanors - focus more on felonies.
Marcus Camby - Play through all hangnails and tough it out on game days.
Kris Benson - Find a peeler to marry who won't threaten to bang the grounds crew.
Jason Kidd - Write a book of children's poetry
Pacman Jones - Only let his women do the spitting, if you catch my drift

Happy New Years and don't drink and drive, unless you're a pro-athlete and we can write about it next week.

Poet's Corner

Three blind refs,
Three blind refs,
Can't make a call,
Can't make a call.
They cost the Nets a game of ball,
With a very obvious no call,
Kidd your fine is very small,
For saying three blind refs,
Three bline refs.

Jordan Rejected

Famous gossip column, Page 6, reported that Michael Jordan hit town last week with friends Derek Jeter and Patrick Ewing. When the players headed out, it was reported that Jordan tried to convince a few women to join them at Pink Elephant, where he was meeting Jeter. One source said, "Jordan was really trying to get this girl to leave with him, and the girl responded, 'Aren't you married?'

Wow, MJ goes from king of the sports world to getting rejected in bars all in the span of a few years. It has to be embarrasing to know that you can get outplayed by fat, balding and unfunny Chris Berman. I hear that if you are willing to pay his royalty fees, Berman will let you use his 'You're with me leather' line to scoop sluts. When you hang with Ewing and are used to paying for the skanks at strip clubs, trying to get one for free is like T.J. trying to be gansta. It just ain't happening.

This does settle one debate though. Wilt Chamberlain is the best NBA playa ever. Case closed!

Why do women need shirts?

Cheerleading coach Christine Smith was fired by the Frederick Youth Sports Association for lifing up her shirt at a football game for 7-8 year old girls. Smith drew a smiley face on her stomach to re-energize the team, which she said they found "hilarious," but allegedly three people complained about Smith's lifting her shirt slightly, to draw the face. Association president Kathy Carey stated, "(P)ulling your shirt up is ... not what our organization is about." Women pulling up their shirts is exactly what Throwing Smoke is all about. Christine, for women like you, we can always find a job for you here.

Thinking back, this reminds me of the time I was at my kid's hockey game and I wrote 'Go Warriors go; this is our's to win. Bring home the trophy!' on my gigantic wang. Sure I was escorted out of the arena by police and was beaten in the parking lot, but from what I hear, they went on to win. Best of all, I got phone numbers from 5 yummy hockey mommies. Broken collarbone and sprained knee aside, it was all worth it.

NOTE: the picture is not of Ms. Smith, but who doesn't love a hot cheerleader?

Smoot will be drinking from a straw

Minnesota Vikings cornerback Fred Smoot had his jaw broken in five places as a result of a recent car accident and will need his jaw wired shut. Smoot was in the back seat of a 2007 Rolls-Royce when the 26-year-old driver, Percy Donalson, lost control and struck a guardrail.

As it is the end of the year, people usually look back at what could have been. When I see this, I think 'Why couldn't this be T.O. instead?'

Knight makes history

This week, the firey Bobby Knight will became the winningest coach in NCAA men's basketball history when he collects his 880th victory. Incredibly, this figure is only 0.001% the number of f-bombs he has launched in the same time period and roughly the number of players he has abused. I am not saying that Bobby Knight is a bastard, but if he and John Mark Karr were standing beside each other, people would have a hard time deciding who to kick in the nads first.

NYC may be unitless

Rumours are flying around that the Yankees are looking to deal 6'10" pitcher, Randy Johnson. If he is traded out of New York, he will be the 2nd biggest thing to be removed from the New York City skyline this decade; the first being the World Trade Centers.