Devil Rays are the new Bengals

Yesterday, the wife of Tampa Bay Devil Rays rookie outfielder Elijah Dukes filed for a restraining order against her husband and said she fears for her life. NiShea Gilbert, a middle-school teacher, said that Dukes allegedly burst into her classroom at lunchtime in April. A frightened Gilbert then ran to the principal and got a deputy, who banished Dukes from the school. Gilbert told a Florida court that Dukes threatened to kill her and sent her a photo of a handgun to her cell phone. Gilbert played a voice mail allegedly from Dukes for the newspaper. "You dead, dawg. I ain't even [expletive]. Your kids, too."

For a team already harbouring misfits Delmon Young and BJ Upton, you have to wonder what the hell is going on with the Devil Ray’s farm system. It’s time for D-Rays special assistant Fred McGriff – the crime dog, to take a bite out of crime. Sure he may look funny showing up to minor league games in a dog suit and a trench coat, but when he mounts your leg and starts dry humping you into submission you know he means business.

Ohno is the dance king

Last night while renovating my family room, I may have seen a few minutes (or the entire season) of Dancing with the Stars. Like Emmitt Smith last year, some prominent athletes were in the dance-off. Tween heart-throb Apolo Anton Ohno and women’s undefeated boxing champion, Laila Ali were in the finals against a supposed straight former boy band member. When the votes were tallied, short (track) speed skater Apolo Ohno took home the trophy and title as 2007 Dancing with the Stars Champion.

If Lalia were a true champion like her father she would have taken home the trophy regardless. Either by dancing like a butterfly or dropping that douche Ohno with a right-cross to the chops and walking off with the prize.

Oden to be a Jail Blazer

The NBA draft lottery was held last night and congratlations to the Portland Trail Blazers for winning the Greg Oden sweepstakes. As we are not huge basketball fans, it looks like we missed the news of Robert Parish learning to break the space-time conintum to re-enter the 2007 NBA draft. It goes to show, a good porn moustache never goes out of style.

Foreman is (a) dope

In his recently-published memoirs, "God in My Corner," Former Heavyweight Champ George Foreman says he was drugged just before the famous “Rumble in the Jungle” title fight with Ali in the Congo. Foreman was a heavy favorite to beat Ali, but he deflected or absorbed Foreman's punches as he leaned against the ropes, allowing Foreman to tire himself out in the tropical heat. He knocked Foreman out in the eighth round for the title. But Foreman, now 58, says something else tired him. In his memoirs he says before the fight, his trainer gave him something to drink that tasted like medicine.

"I almost spit it out ... [I told my trainer] 'Man, I know this water has medicine in it,'" Foreman wrote. "I climbed into the ring with that medicinal taste still lingering in my mouth." "After the third round, I was as tired as if I had fought 15 rounds. What's going on here? Did someone slip a drug in my water?" he wrote.

This calls for a rematch between Ali and the Grill King. But for Foreman’s sake, he had better hope that Ali is the one medicated for the fight this time. Ali doesn’t sting like a bee anymore but if he forgets his Parkinsons pills, he regains his lightning quick hands.

Former NBA coke-head kidnapped and beaten

Howard Porter, a failed NBA player who never lived up to they hype after staring for Villanova during college, was found severely beaten after a mysterious disappearance over the weekend.

Porter was drafted by Chicago in 1971 and after his professional career didn't live up to expectations he became addicted to cocaine. He eventually ran out of money and was living on his mother’s couch when he decided to enter rehab. His desires to help junkies put their lives back together led him to become a probation officer.

Police are not saying if this latest brush with death is a result of Porter’s involvement in law enforcement but I’m thinking this is exactly what you can expect when a baller ends up working on the other side of the law.

Shaq’s got a lot to look forward to after this NBA career is done. Hopefully he’s smart enough to realize that he’ll need more than a movie-prop lamp and an oriental rug when he hits the streets to fight crime.

Bengals are dumb

Starting where they left off last season, Cincinnati Bengals linebacker A.J. Nicholson was arrested on a domestic violence charge Friday, the first brush with the law of a Bengals' player since commissioner Roger Goodell cracked down on misconduct last month. The team had gone an astounding 4 months since the last arrest. Police in nearby Taylor Mill, Ky., arrested Nicholson after a woman called 911 saying she had been hit in the face and suffered an injury by her eye. A.J. was charged with fourth-degree assault, a misdemeanour.

On Monday the Bengals released Nicholson, hours after he pleaded not guilty to a charge that he hit his girlfriend. She insists she accidentally hit herself with a cell phone, and police misread what happened.

It is a good thing for AJ's girlfriend that she only got hit in the face and not sodomized. I don't think anyone would have believed her when she recanted her original story by saying she tripped and landed on the wrong end of her mop.

Jet gets grounded

Even the Memorial Day long weekend didn’t stop NFL players from getting handcuffed. Jets pro-bowl kick returner Justin Miller was arrested early Sunday and charged with third-degree misdemeanor assault after he allegedly punched a woman in a New York City nightclub. Police said Miller was swinging at a man, but hit the woman after the man ducked. The woman has a laceration on her face and swelling and pain in her knee.

Abusing women at a night club, that’s so passé. Pacman was doing that ages ago. I’ll take Miller more seriously once he makes it rain like Pacman. Or a Cherokee shaman.

Broncos now getting players arrested

David Kircus of the Denver Broncos was arrested Monday for assault. Kircus, you may recall, resumed his NFL career last year after spending time away from football making sandwiches at Subway. Kircus had been invited to a house party last weekend but he got into a disagreement there with the woman who invited him, authorities said. The man who owned the home was struck in the face after repeatedly asking Kircus to leave. The man was left with broken facial bones and was treated at a hospital. If convicted, Kircus could be sentenced from two to six years in prison. "Obviously, if he didn't handle himself the right way, he won't be with us," Mike Shanahan said of the backup receiver and return specialist who joined the team last season.

Who isn’t getting tired of seeing NFL players taking their high paying jobs for granted? Kircus will probably be charged by police, subsequently released by the Broncos and back making assorted subs by next week. And where will that leave me? Sure I’ll still have my stunning good looks and huge wang, but losing my job to Kircus a second time is too much for this sandwich artist to bear.

Vick and Pacman in a race to see who gets arrested first

The lead investigator in the case of dog-fighting accusations against Atlanta quarterback Michael Vick claims that there is substantial evidence that Vick was directly involved in the dog-fighting ring operating out of one of his properties in Virginia. There are rumours that videotapes exist of Vick placing him at dog-fight matches on the property which could eventually lead to criminal charges against him. Vick is now being advised by his lawyers to no longer comment on the investigation.

Even Vick’s friends are telling the police that he’s the ring leader of the dog fight club so I’m not sure he’ll be able to shake this tackle. The evidence is so profound that members of the U.S. congress are threatening action against the NFL if they don’t punish Vick.

At this rate the NFL will need to start importing football players from Canada to fill their rosters next season. Although that might actually end up making the Raiders better.

Poet's Corner

Farnsworth blasts the Rocket,
For being a bad teammate,
Clemens' fat ass should be on the bench,
On off-day's, while his team's at the plate.

When you dedice to come back,
And get paid $20 mill,
The least you could do,
Is be there when not on the hill.

Pacman breaks the law (again)

Pacman Jones was cited for speeding and driving without a license just 4 days before a hearing with NFL commissioner Roger Goodell. Pacman met with Goodell last Friday to plead his case for leniency after being slapped with a year long suspension for conduct detrimental to the league.

I’m guessing this latest incident with the cops didn’t help his case for a reduced suspension. It’s kind of like the original disciplinary hearing he had with Goodell. The commish was reportedly set to give Pacman a six-month suspension but upped it to a full-year when he found out Jones visited a strip club the night before.

It’s not like anyone is expecting Pacman Jones to transform into Mother Teresa, but even kids with Tourettes syndrome have more sense than this.

And speaking of Pacman, we here at the Smoke have gone high-tech. Our new java feature to the right of the screen offers you minute-by-minute coverage of the time elapsed between Pacman’s arrests. Place your bets quickly cause the Las Vegas district attorney is still considering issuing a warrant stemming from that little incident at the Minxx nightclub.

Landis versus the world

Testifying in the fourth day of Landis’ Tour de France doping hearing at the Pepperdine University law school, Greg LeMond, a three-time winner of the Tour de France, disclosed that he’d been sexually abused as a child and that he received an intimidating phone call Wednesday night from Floyd Landis’ manager that referred to the abuse. LeMond said the call came at 6:53 p.m. Wednesday. The caller said, “Hi, Greg, this is your uncle,” adding a moment later, “I’ll be there tomorrow and we can talk about how we used to hide your weenie.” LeMond’s Verizon cellular phone recorded the number -- a number from the 949 area code that’s listed on a business card belonging to Will Geoghegan, Landis’ manager. Greg filed a police report about this incident.

The phone call was thought to be be an attempt to intimidate LeMond, who was to testify that Landis had admitted, in an indirect way that he was doped up during last year's Tour.

During that call, LeMond said, he shared with Landis a secret that he had been sexually abused as a child. LeMond said he shared his secret with Landis in the hope that doing so would encourage him to come forward with whatever secrets he might have.

“I was very clear that I did not judge if he did or didn’t [dope],” LeMond said, adding a moment later that he told Landis, “I don’t know if you did or didn’t but if you did you could single-handedly change the sport, you could salvage the sport. I would hope, I would encourage you, to come clean.”

“At this point,” LeMond said, recalling the telephone conversation, Landis said, “I don’t see what good it would do. If I did, it would destroy a lot of my friends and hurt a lot of people.”

This entire story is going from ridiculous to Mike Tyson ridiculous. As the hearing continues, I fully expect to see a dozen leprechauns ride into the courtroom on a unicorn testifying how they spiked Landis' drinks during the tour. If they can't clean up the sport they might as well even the field by putting engines on everyone's bikes and call it motocross.

McNair arrested

Baltimore Ravens quarterback Steve McNair was charged with driving under the influence last week even though police said his brother-in-law was behind the wheel of the pickup registered to the former Tennessee Titan. Although McNair was just a passenger, he was charged with a misdemeanor under a Tennessee law that prohibits a vehicle owner from letting it be driven by someone who is inebriated. The driver, 31-year-old Jamie Cartwright, smelled of alcohol, failed a field sobriety test and refused to take a breath alcohol test, police said.

Why would you let a drunk drive your car in the first place? That is unless you were paranoid that Ray Lewis had a hit out on you for not leading the team the Super Bowl. In which case, having a decoy behind the wheel is genius. Riding shotgun with a drunken driver is better then seeing Lewis's limo pull-up beside the driver's side of your ride with a red laser pointed at your temple.

Virginia Tech can't recruit

Citing the April 16 campus shootings at Virginia Tech, basketball recruit Augustus Gilchrist said he is “not mentally prepared” to honor his letter of intent and will not play for the Hokies next season. “I want to send my condolences to the families and the victims. It's a terrible situation that happened. The campus needs time to mourn the first year. I don't know if I'm prepared to do that next year.”

You can’t blame a kid for being terrified to step foot on this campus. Who would bother risking their lives to play college ball, never mind the fact that the Vick brothers probably left the campus with a rampant STD problem.

New doping scandal hits baseball

A former clubhouse employee of the New York Mets has pleaded guilty to distributing performance-enhancing drugs to dozens of major league players and is cooperating with baseball's steroids investigation. Kirk Radomski, who worked for the Mets from 1985-1995 admitted to providing anabolic steroids, human growth hormone, Clenbuterol, amphetamines and other drugs to “dozens of current and former Major League Baseball players, and associates, on teams throughout Major League Baseball.”

Insiders are saying that this scandal will be larger than BALCO, which itself snared baseball stars such as Jose Cansenco, Mark McGwire, Barry Bonds and Rafael Palmiero. Radomski was quoted to have told police that if they thought the allegations in Jose Canseco's book were explosive, “they would be blown away” by what he could report.

The anticipation of finding out which Mets players were juicing is killing me. There’s no shortage of potential candidates considering that Mets rosters back then were littered with thugs and criminals. Who isn’t expecting Darryl Strawberry and Doc Gooden to be named in this scandal? Although the chances of Doc and Straw getting off are pretty good. The “I snorted everything in sight without regard” defense should prove to be iron clad.

Griffey is a giver

In last Friday's Reds/Dodger's game, a fan seated behind the Reds dugout, was heckling Ken Griffey Jr. all game long on Friday before Griffey turned the tables on him. Matt Schafer, 25, wrote on his MySpace page. "I was going to try and get in Ken Griffey Jr.'s head a little bit. He had to walk right by us to get to the dugout and I just couldn't help myself. So I started with the basics: 'you suck ... shouldn't you be on the D.L. ... too old for center ... that kind of stuff."

Griffey said he was happy to play along. "He was just on me every time I came in," Griffey said. "Him being a little larger than normal, I just asked, 'Shouldn't you be wearing a support bra?"

In the sixth inning, Griffey sent someone back to the Reds clubhouse to fetch the largest athletic supporter he could find; size-XXL athletic supporter (Editors note: this is also my pouch size). The accomplice wrote the number "3" and "JR" on the waistband, and Griffey put the supporter in a brown paper bag, rolled it up and tossed it to Schafer when he ran back onto the field.

"He was like, 'Whoa!'" Griffey told the Cincnnati Enquirer. "I turned around before all that stuff happened, but I could hear that section just laughing. Then I turned around and just saw him twirling it in the air like a helicopter."

"When Griffey came back in, I told him I was sorry about what [I] said about his mom and that I wanted to make up," Schafer wrote on his MySpace page. "He shot me a grin. When he came out in the 8th [inning] he shot me another smile and I told him he still has the greatest swing in baseball. I hope he heard me, I think he did. I love Griffey."

Good thing for Schafer it was the Reds in town and not the Athletics. Becuase if he started to get on Mike Piazza's case, Schafer would have been tossed a hotel room key and a butt plug.

Mateo beats wife

Mariners reliever Julio Mateo was arraigned on third-degree assault charges last weekend after allegedly eating, biting and choking his wife. She suffered a black eye and needed five stitches on her lip as a result of the bite. Previously police were called Mateo's home on the morning of April 28th after a dispatcher reported hearing a heated argument and two hang-up calls to 911. When two officers arrived, they found Mateo's wife, Aurea Mateo, and her sister crying in the hallway near two broken phones. Police said Mateo's wife put her hand on her neck and stuck out her tongue, as if she was being choked. Mateo's wife and sister-in-law do not speak English and declined to talk with responding officers about the broken phones. Neither would admit to being hurt or needing medical assistance, according to the police report. He has subsequently been sent to AAA.

The demotion seems a bit harsh for a team hovering around .500. As the only pitcher beating someone on a regular basis Mateo should be seen an inspiration for the entire staff.

Favre is pissed mad

In interviews during his annual charity golf tournament in Tunica, Miss., quarterback Brett Favre acknowledged that he felt the Packers missed an opportunity to add a significant piece to their offense by not acquiring Randy Moss. "It is disappointing," Favre said on Saturday. "We could have gotten him for less money than New England did. He wanted to play in Green Bay for the amount of money we would have paid him. It [was] well worth the risk."

We understand where the Packers are coming from by not wanting that fungus Moss around. It's just like how I don't really want my jock itch back either. But with Favre's medical history, the Pack had better be careful not to piss him off further or this story will end in only 1 of 2 ways - Favre retiring or them finding him hunched over a Lambeau field shitter after an overdose.

Seigler is (a) pimp

Richard Seigler, a former Steelers linebacker, is accused of pimping and appeared in Pittsburgh night court early Friday, hours after he was released from the team. Seigler is facing three prostitution-related felonies as authorities accuse Seigler of persuading a woman to become a prostitute, paying for her plane ticket from Spokane, Wash., to Las Vegas, where she engaged in prostitution, and taking some or all of the earnings, according to a criminal complaint filed in Las Vegas Justice Court. Dave Lockett, a Steelers spokesman, said team officials were aware that there were charges pending against Seigler. He declined to comment further.

I personally think it was great to see Seigler trying to plan a business for life after football. To his defense, the Steelers' code of conduct does have some inconsistencies in it. Like when it comes to unprotected head, the Ben Roethlisbeger incident makes it seem acceptable.

Former Tiger declawed

Former Detroit Tiger Ronald LeFlore was arrested Saturday while signing autographs for fans at Gibraltar Trade Center in Mount Clemens on outstanding warrants for failing to pay child support. He was arrested for the same offence in 1999. LeFlore was signing autographs for $4 each at the trade center with former Detroit Tigers pitcher Mickey Lolich when police entered the facility and took him into custody. He owes approximately $48,000 in past child support bills, police said. LeFlore, who played six seasons with the Tigers, was the subject of a 1978 movie, "One in a Million: The Ron LeFlore Story," about his rise as a baseball player after being a prison inmate.

Considering I have no clue who this guy is, he will be hard pressed to find 12,000 people to pay for his signature to cover his child support. He would probably have better luck using the other means of getting fast cash in Detroit - stealing hub-caps.

O'Hair goes for a $700,000 drink

At the PGA Players Champtionship on Sunday, Phil Mickelson and Sean O'Hair were going shot for shot until the famous 17th island green. O'Hair was 2 shots down and had to make his move. He felt he had no choice but to go after the pin on the 17th, and was shocked when his 9-iron sailed over the green. He hit another ball in the water from the drop area and wound up with a quadruple-bogey 7, and his bogey on the 18th hole gave him a 76 and dropped him from second place to 11th place, the difference of $747,000.

It was a good thing for Sean that he previously broke the contract with his dad, which saw him collect 10% of his son's career winnings. If this was still in place, his father would have tanned his ass to the tune of $75,000. At least Sean doesn't go home empty handed. Just instead of a big cheque and the crystal winner's trophy, O'Hair leaves with cab fare a tin cup.

Williams loves pot

Former NFL rushing champion Ricky Williams tested positive again for marijuana last month, which will delay his return to the league until at least September, a person familiar with the case said Friday. Williams, through his agent, Leigh Steinberg, issued a statement to The Associated Press on Friday night:

"Due to the recent reports about me failing a drug test, I feel it is appropriate for me to issue this statement. Last month, following a psychological evaluation requested by the NFL, we -- the psychiatrist and I -- came to the realization that there were a few things I needed to iron out about myself in order to make my return to the NFL as successful as possible. I am an honest, God-fearing man who is intensely dedicated to being the best person I can be on and off the football field. There is no need to smear my name or to defame my character for the sake of news. When the time is right, God willing, I will be back on the field scoring touchdowns for whatever team is fortunate enough to believe in me."

Too bad the only team Ricky will be scoring touchdowns for will be the Toronto Argonauts. And instead of making large bank in the NFL, he will be lucky to pay his rent on a CFL salary. But at least he can smoke up in Canada without fear of persecution!

Throwing Smoke Flashback - Mike Tyson

With last weekend being the last big boxing event of this generation, nothing personifies the death of the sport like a classic Mike Tyson sound-"bite". Keep your ears on for this!

Poet's Corner - Tanka

Ted Saskin is out,

As NHLPA head.

Chelios and Klatt,

Have finally won their war,

What crook will be hired next?

The Yankees don't know a good time

In the light of Josh Hancock's drunken death, The New York Yankees have joined other major league teams in banning alcohol in both their home and visiting clubhouses. The Yankees had previously banned alcohol in their home clubhouse, but then last Friday, the team altered its policy for the visiting clubhouse at Yankee Stadium, and the beer that was on the visitors' side was wheeled out. At least the Brewers are still keeping it real.

Why should Hancock's drinking problems cause others to have to go dry? That would be like saying as a result of Kirby Puckett trying to rape women, Derek Jeter now has to derail his ho-train.

Camacho not so Macho

Three-time boxing champion Hector "Macho" Camacho was sent to jail Monday after pleading guilty to a 2004 burglary charge. Camacho faces up to seven years in prison and a fine of up to $10,000. Camacho had previously apologized for the break-in, which caused nearly $13,000 in damages after he fell through the ceiling, cut himself, urinated inside the office and left with seven laptops and about $5,600 in checks and cash.

Going from Macho to Nacho has to be tough for Camacho. The only person he has beaten in the last few months is his girlfriend, and he couldn't even knock her out.

Dempsey doesn't know funny

This week, Rick Dempsey apologized for attempting to crack a joke about domestic violence on the air during a telecast of a Baltimore Orioles game on Saturday. During the third inning, Dempsey and play-by-play man Gary Thorne were joined in the booth by Laura Giuliani, the wife of Orioles left fielder Jay Gibbons. Giuliani was promoting a fundraiser the next day intended to help fight domestic violence. Gibbons is hitting .213 as of Wednesday, and Dempsey tried to put Gibbons' slump at the plate together with his wife's charity.

Dempsey - "Laura, will this kind of help Jay in the domestic violence area? If he doesn't start getting a few more hits, you might grab him around the neck and rough him up a little bit. [Is] this money going to go to help him a little bit with maybe some of the hospital bills or something like that?"

Giuliani - "I don't know, Rick. I don't think I'm encouraging that. I'm definitely not ..."

Dempsey - "Not going there?"

Giuliani - "Not going there."

Dempsey - "All right, I'll domestically violate him if he doesn't start getting some more hits,"

You can bet that this will be the last time Rick Dempsey does shots of JD along side DH Kevin Millar before a telecast. With the bad publicity he received, it's a good thing Dempsey called off the second half of his joke; where Scott Erickson would throw Giuliani into the elevator out of Camden Yards.

Russian hockey doesn't like money

Russia has once again decided not to sign the International Ice Hockey Federation's player transfer deal with the NHL. Under the proposed four-year agreement, the NHL will pay an annual fee of US$12 million to the IIHF for up to 60 player transfers, which means a minimum of $200,000 will be allocated for each player. The Russian clubs want no less than $1 million for top players. Russian teams would rather lose players to the NHL for nothing than sign a contract that pays them what they consider a disrespectful amount of money, according to Russian Hockey Federation President Vladislav Tretiak. Russia has not been part of the transfer agreement for the last two years and has lost 13 players without compensation, including stars Evgeni Malkin and Alexander Ovechkin.

It has been a long time since I took grade 1 math, but from what I recall, you will be better off with any number greater than $0. But I could be wrong year as I spent most of that year eating paste and soiling myself.

Steroids in gymnastics

Russian rythmic gymnast Anastasia Guseva will miss the Beijing Olympics after being suspended until November for testing positive for a banned diuretic that can be used to mask steroids. She tested positive for the diuretic, furosemide, at the rhythmic events of the 2006 World Gymnasiade in Athens last June, the International Gymnastics Federation (FIG) said Monday in a statement.

In a sport where the women generally have masculine looking bodies, why would a gymnast take steroids to look even more manly? Sure it can help you toss the balls higher, but it can also make you grow some.

The Queen ponies up

Jockey Calvin Borel, who rode Street Sense to victory in this past weekend's Kentucky Derby has been invited to attend a state dinner at the White House in honour of Queen Elizabeth II. Borel's agent, Jerry Hissam, said Sunday that White House Social Secretary Amy Zantzinger had invited Borel and fiance Lisa Funk to travel to Washington, D.C., on Monday for the dinner hosted by President Bush and First Lady Laura Bush in honour of Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II and His Royal Highness Prince Philip.

To mark this special occasion, it is rumoured that the Queen broke out the Royal phonebook for Borel's chair; so he can reach his dinner plate.