Johnson beats legal system

Former NFL and college coach, Jimmy Johnson, was called to jury duty in April, and when the judge asked if anyone couldn't serve, he raised his hand. According to the Miami Herald, Johnson said he couldn't serve now because he had a houseguest named Bill Parcells, and they were going deep-sea fishing. Johnson was excused and free to leave.

Yet again the American legal system is fair to all those involved. I’m surprised though that he wasn’t excused because it was one of his former players on trial. It’s only a matter of time before Nate Newton relapses and resorts to dealing drugs out of the trunk of his car again. It could have been worse for Nate though - at least they didn't find Rae Carruth in there.

Clemens returns....again

On the weekend, Rocket Roger Clemens again came out of retirement and agreed to return to the Yankees for the rest of the 2007 season. He agreed to a one-year contract for $28,000,022 -- the last two digits matching his uniform number -- that will start when he is added to the major league roster for his first start, most likely in three to four weeks. Clemens will earn about $18.5 million under the deal, which will cost the Yankees approximately $7.4 million in additional luxury tax, meaning they are investing about $26 million in a seven-time Cy Young Award winner who will turn 45 in August.

Clemens' career has more lives than a cat. Well at least one Kevin Mitchell didn't get his hands on.

Mayweather beats De La Hoya

In what was being dubbed the last great prize fight of this generation, Floyd Mayweather Jr. won one of boxing's richest fights ever Saturday night by using his superb defensive skills and superior speed to take a 12-round split decision over Oscar De La Hoya to win the WBC 154-pound title. Mayweather remained unbeaten in 38 fights and won a title in his fifth weight class, moving up from welterweight to challenge De La Hoya in a fight that earned De La Hoya at least $25 million and Mayweather at least $10 million.

With Mayweather beating every decent boxer in his weight classes, what is left for him to do in his career? His only remaining challenge is to try and win back his the father's affections. How do you capture the heart of a true gangsta? Become one yourself. Sure the payday of a coke dealing street fighter isn't as large a rematch with the Golden Boy, but you can't put a price on a father's love.

Hancock was drunk

After further investigation, to no one's surprise, St. Louis Cardinals pitcher Josh Hancock was drunk and talking on his cell phone at the time of his fatal accident. Hancock's blood-alcohol level was 0.157, nearly twice Missouri's legal limit. Some marijuana and a glass pipe were also found in the rented Ford Explorer. Toxicology tests to determine if drugs were in his system have not been completed. An accident reconstruction team determined Hancock was traveling 68 mph in a 55 mph zone when his SUV struck the back of a flatbed tow truck stopped in a driving lane.

With all of the stupid decisions Hancock made in his life, it is no wonder he was just a bullpen nobody and not in a more elite position like General Manger. He would have had a long list of other stellar choices like naming Cecil Fielder as the trainer and appointing Cory Lidle as team pilot.

Poet's Corner

Warriors beat Mavs.

First number 8 seed to win.

Worst choke job since Spree.

'Tractor' Traylor overturned

Former NBA player Robert “Tractor” Traylor is facing some serious time behind bars after he was convicted of laundering hundreds of thousands of dollars of drug money for his cousin.

Traylor was also involved in that Michigan State scandal where amateur players, including Chris Webber, received large sums of cash in exchange for playing for the Wolverines. So it shouldn’t surprise anyone that he’s in trouble again after having pissed away the $11 million he earned in the NBA.

It’s funny that C-Web’s never been to prison considering all the times he’s been arrested and put on trial for drug possession. But I guess that was Traylor’s mistake. The Man doesn’t appreciate when boys from the hood muscle in on their white collar crimes.

Jordan thinks he is still king

In the pro-am round at the Wachovia Championship on Wednesday, living legend Tiger Woods played a round with former legend Michael Jordan. With a cigar in his mouth, Jordan made an eight-foot par putt on the seventh hole and then mimicked Woods as he walked off the green, delivering a fist-pump in slow motion and holding his pose until he was sure Woods was looking. Next, while Woods was waiting for the 11th fairway to clear, Jordan walked by and kicked his ball off the tee toward a young boy in the gallery. Woods re-teed, and at the top of his back swing, Jordan cleared his throat loud enough to make Woods stop. The world's No. 1 player set up over the ball again and hit a hard draw down the middle of the fairway, locking eyes with Jordan in a mock staredown. The chatter was endless, and as always, Jordan was doing most of the talking.

Isn't it sad to see an aging former superstar as hungry for attention as John Daly is for a $2 buffet? Hasn't MJ endured enough embarrassment already this year after being shot down by some hot sluts in NYC? Are we destined to see Jordan shuffling about Central Park in a trench coat ready to show any lady who recognizes him his so-called ‘greatness’. And by greatness I mean his wallet. Only its looking pretty limp these days thanks to his ex.

Piazza injured

Oakland Athletics designated hitter Mike Piazza pulled a muscle in his shoulder last night sliding into third base and will miss the next 4 to 6 weeks because of the injury.

Piazza is just like Reggie Jackson, only they call him Mrs. May. And instead of smacking game winning homeruns he uses his time on the DL to get to know the towel boys.

Chief's Allen is a drunk

Defensive end Jared Allen of the Kansas City Chiefs' has been suspended by the NFL for the first four games of the 2007 season for repeat violations of the league's substance abuse policy. Allen, 25, was twice charged with DUI in the past year and pleaded no contest to the most recent charges and entered a diversion program to resolve the first DUI incident.

At this rate, it is a matter of time before Allen is sporting the same dope jewelry as Koren Robinson. If prior DUI's and waking up next to a herd of 300 pound pigs doesn't show that you have a drinking problem, a call from Roger Goodell will just be like another shot of whiskey. Sure it may sting for a while, but when you wake up in your urine soaked bed and see your buddy Jack Daniels smiling at you, everything will be a-okay. Cheers!

Tank guilty (again)

Bears defensive tackle Tank Johnson was allowed briefly out of prison this week to face a court hearing on a misdemeanor weapons charge. Tank pled guilty to possessing an illegal firearm and in return will not have to face any additional time in jail. He also was ordered to donate $2,500 to the Gurnee Police Department and $2,500 to the Gurnee Exchange Club's child abuse prevention program.

Tank must be wondering how the hell he ended up having to make a $2,500 donation to a child abuse prevention program. Let’s call it a down payment for when you knock-up your first hoe.

Soccer fans still insane

It was good to see French sports fans taking a break from the Floyd Landis witch-hunt to find time to attack one of their own this past weekend. Former France goalkeeper Fabien Barthez is quitting his French club team Nantes, saying he fears for his safety from angry fans. Nantes is in last place in the French league mired in a season where Barthez, a World Cup and European Championship winner with France, has made costly errors in recent matches. Several fans surrounded Barthez's car as he left the Stade de la Beaujoire, kicked the vehicle and tried to pull him out. Barthez then got out and started trading punches with one of the fans. Security staff moved in to separate them. "I'm not going to play again with Nantes," Barthez said on France-Info radio Monday. "A gang of five or six guys came to block me from leaving the stadium. They were there to rub me out, as they said." To whistle me throughout the match, I accept that, that's part of the atmosphere," he said. "With Nantes, I would have gone to the end, but that (the incident) goes beyond the realm of sports."

With Barthez's sudden retirement, he will be missed by all of his followers worldwide and especially some of his teammates. With out him around to take most of the abuse, it will be time again for the fans to breakout the produce and the flares.

Vick speaks out about personal problems

Michael Vick met with NFL commissioner Ralph Goodell and made his first public comments following the discovery of a dog fighting facility and over 60 abused animals on a property he owns.

"After what happened ... I just wanted to crawl in a hole. I can't take it no more," Vick told ESPN. "I walk around with a smile on my face and act like I'm happy, but on the inside it's hurting. And it's killing me. I ain't got no more energy left for it. The more I continue to do things and my name is in the media, I'm not going to get anywhere."

Vick, clearly aware of what happened to Pacman Jones and Chris Henry, vowed to make changes in his personal life. "I’ve got a lot of responsibility. I’m a role model to the kids in the community. It’s time to grow up.," Vick said. "I'm taking it upon myself and giving everybody my word that things are going to get changed around. I have a game plan for it. The company I keep, a lot of things got to change, and I mean that from the heart."

It’s great to see that Ron Mexico has a big heart after all. All I ever thought he cared about was getting his dick wet after a dance with Mary Jane. This mea culpa bullshit reminds me of all the chances Doc and Straw were given. If Vick’s “game plan” is anything like the one he employs on the field he’ll be running a lot. From the cops.

Gordon wins, Gordon wins

One week after tying Dale Earnhardt for sixth place on the all-time NASCAR wins list, Jeff Gordon passes the Intimidator with his 77th victory — the Aaron’s 499 Nextel Cup race in Talladega, Ala. Talladega Speedway is in Dale Earnhardt Country where he won 10 of his 76 races there and even more symbolic, Sunday would have been Earnhardt’s 56th birthday. When Gordon won his second straight race, he was greeted by the Earnhardt fans who threw trash and beer cans and whatever they could get their hands on, at Gordon’s No. 24 car.

The only thing more perplexing than why this race is only 499 miles is how a NASCAR fan would dare part with his beer, even if it is the hated Rainbow Warrior in victory row. All that lunacy and spilt alcohol is reminiscent of the 80's when Harry Carey and I did Cubs telecasts together. I’m not saying Harry Carey was a drunk, but I did have to animate him with puppet strings while he sang ‘Take me out to the ball game.’

Michael Vick loves dogs

Virginia police raided a house owned by Falcons QB Michael Vick and found more than 60 dogs, many of them injured and intentionally starved. Police also found items associated with dog fighting.

A police spokesman said that one of Vick's relatives lives in the home. Vick owns the property, but doesn't live there and wasn't present when a search warrant was executed in a drug investigation last week.

Wayne Pacelle, president and CEO of The Humane Society of the United States, said the group has "heard troubling reports for some time that Michael Vick has been involved in organized dog fighting, and we fear that this investigation may validate that very disturbing allegation."

The Humane Society said dog fighting is illegal nationwide and a felony in 48 states, including both Virginia and Georgia.

The animal rights group PETA has asked Falcons owner Arthur Blank to suspend Vick pending the investigation and "to kick him off the team if it is found that dogs on Vick's property were neglected or used for fighting."

It seems to me as though Vick is on the fast track to getting Pacman’ed by the NFL commissioner. Sure, he didn’t order the gang banging of anyone, but his rap sheet is getting pretty long, even by NFL standards.

If Vick were smart he’d move his dog operation down to Louisiana and set up shop next to Roy Jones Jr.’s cock fighting arena. Although he’d risk getting body slammed by Hulk Hogan if he did that. No doubt Vick will have the last laugh when Brooke Hogan checks into the treatment clinic as Rhonda Mexico.

Another Cardinals pitcher is dead

Josh Hancock, a relief pitcher who helped the St. Louis Cardinals win the World Series last season, died early Sunday when his sport utility vehicle slammed into the back of a tow truck. This is the second time in 5 years that the Cardinals have lost a pitcher. Darryl Kile died in June 2002 after his heart exploded.

With this death rate the Cardinals are going to have to start offering their hurlers some danger pay. The only job in baseball more hazardous is being Darryl Strawberry’s colon.

Poet's Corner

Following NBA players,
Who are always in the action,
The WNBA is now in the game,
Because of Deanna Jackson.

Slugging the opposition,
In an Isreali parking lot,
Jackson is detained,
in the home of terrorist plots.

They traded insults during the game,
Deanna broke her opponent's nose,
You will never win being ghetto,
Is what this shows.

Chargers being investigated

The San Diego Chargers were once again the focus of a Drug Enforcement Agency investigation. DEA officials discovered that some Chargers players have been sending large sums of money to China and believed they had a steroid-smuggling case on their hands. However, it was eventually determined that drugs weren’t involved, and that the money was likely sent in exchange for crates of imitation athletic shoes that were to be passed off and sold as the real deal in the United States. The case has been turned over to the U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement agency. The investigation is ongoing and it is still not known which Chargers players are involved.

Something tells me that Terrence Kiel is involved in all of this. If he isn’t pissing himself silly, that dude’s busy hatching some sort of illegal money making scheme. At least this explains how Stephane Marbury has been able to sell his line of Starbury ghetto sneaks for only $15.

Schilling wasn't faking

Oriole’s announcer Gary Thorne said during his broadcast of the Red Sox-Orioles game on Wednesday that Boston backup catcher Doug Mirabelli admitted that Curt Schilling milked his ankle injury for drama while helping Boston win the World Series 2 years ago. "It was painted," Thorne said. "Doug Mirabelli confessed up to it after. It was all for PR.”

In reality Mirabelli was quoted as saying, 'How about the bloody sock? Yeah, we got a lot of publicity out of that,' and that was all he can recall me saying," Mirabelli said. "He said he assumed what I meant was that the sock was fake and that it was just a publicity stunt. That by no means is what I meant. There was never a doubt in mind there was blood on the sock."

So by my tally there have been bloody glove and bloody sock conspiracies. Personally, I’d get a lot more worked up seeing Martina Hingis lose her tampon during a Wimbledon final.

Beliard still only has two kids

An Illinois man has pleaded guilty for trying to extort $150,000 from a former St. Louis Cardinal, believed to be Ronnie Belliard, after claiming the player impregnated the man's daughter after the pair met last fall at a local nightclub. Belliard now plays for the Washington Nationals and is a married father of two children.

According to the indictment, the man told the player’s agent that a paternity test before an eventual miscarriage proved he impregnated the daughter. The man said he and his daughter wanted to be paid to keep them from telling the media.

I’m assuming that because the prosecution never denied it, that means Belliard probably did tap that ass. The only question remaining is if he actually got her preggers or not. And I don’t understand why Belliard cares either. No child means no child support. Case closed. As fathering bastard children is a favourite pastime of professional athletes his wife and kids should understand. At least he’s not engaging in other popular hobbies such as spousal abuse. Or spraying them with bleach.

Hunter is now the hunted

Torii Hunter has gotten into trouble with Major League Baseball for a gift he gave the Kansas City Royals over the weekend. Torii Hunter's gift of four bottles of Dom Perignon, which he had delivered to the Royals clubhouse was meant as a reward for the Royals sweeping the Detroit Tigers last September, allowing the Twins to come from behind to win the American League Central. The gift fulfilled a promise Hunter made last fall.Rule 21-b of the rulebook states that "Any player or person connected with a Club who shall offer or give any gift or reward to a player or person connected with another Club for services rendered ... in defeating or attempting to defeat a competing Club ... shall be declared ineligible for not less than three years." The Twins got a phone call from the commissioner's office about the gift. And the Twins found themselves in an awkward position -- having to call the Royals to ask that the champagne be returned. Hunter said he wasn't aware of the rule, "I do good things. If you want to make a good thing into a bad thing, then so be it."

I can feel Hunter’s pain of having a good deeds going unappreciated. This reminds me of the time that my ex left me. Sure she brought in all the income while I did her sister, but I ALWAYS made sure dinner was ready. It wasn’t my fault that macaroni and cheese wasn’t up to this princess’s standards. P.S. Thanks for the alimony biatch!

Avery likes to chirp

The NHL Eastern conference semi-finals start tonight in Buffalo when the Sabres and the New York Rangers square off. NHL superpest Sean Avery is already up to no good. He was quoted as saying "I'm going to hurt them, I'm going to hit them and be in their face as much as I can. Each check is going to be a little bit harder."

If Avery thinks he will do damage to the Sabres, he doesn't know what they have in store for him. You can bet Sabres stud tough guy, Andrew Peters, will be seen in the pressbox next to Avery’s girlfriend, Elisha Cuthbert, whispering "I'm going to do you, I'm going to do you and cum on your face as much as I can. Each pump is going to be a little bit harder." Now THAT will hurt!

Strahan's stuff put out for garage sale

Michael Strahan’s ex-wife Jean Strahan held a garage sale last week and sold off many of his valuables still located in their mansion. The sidewalk sale included some of Strahan’s televisions, various antiques, and a bronze football statue.

Jean Strahan is still fighting to get the $6.5 million she says her ex-husband owes her following their 2005 divorce. In January, a judge awarded her $15.3 million and set child support at $18,000 a month. Michael Strahan has paid more than half the money, but is arguing that the remaining $6.5 million is too much.

I’ve been saying all along that this whole story bears striking resemblance to OJ’s. And now his ex is auctioning off his stuff to raise the money he owes her. There was no word on whether the bronze football statue was actually his defensive player of the year award. Sure, its not a Heisman, but I hope Jean’s father bought it just in case this whole saga turns it like it’s supposed too.

Tillman cover-up still on-going

The U.S. Army’s cover up of Pat Tillman’s death is still being spun. Last week word leaked that within hours of his death, the Army went into information-lockdown mode, cutting off phone and Internet connections at a base in Afghanistan, posting guards on a wounded platoon mate, and ordering a sergeant to burn Tillman's uniform. It is well-known by now that the circumstances of Tillman's April 22, 2004, death were kept from his family and the U.S. public; the Army maintained he was cut down by enemy bullets in an ambush, even though many soldiers knew he was mistakenly killed by his own comrades. The investigation is still on-going.

This story's got more legs than a Patrick Ewing table dance. I have no clue why someone thought it was a good idea to send Tillman anyway. If they wanted results they should have formed an elite squadron featuring Cincinnati Bengals players. Those dudes know how to handle a gat and better still Goodell may consider it a success if some of them came home in a coffin.

Vikings should wear belts

Last week, the Minnesota Vikings cornerback Cedric Griffin was freed on $50 bail after being arrested early that Sunday in downtown Minneapolis and charged with misdemeanor disorderly conduct, authorities said. Two witnesses told KSTP-TV that the Vikings cornerback was thrown out of the Spin nightclub for not pulling up his pants. The club has a dress code requiring that pants not sag below the waist. The witnesses said Griffin then had a dustup with bouncers and police before being taken away in handcuffs.

This has been the first Viking to be caught with his pants down since the infamous sexboat fiasco; although this arrest seems lame in comparison. If you are going to be arrested with your pants below your waist, you had better be damn sure your dick is getting wet. And I don’t mean from the waves.

Landis fails test

To really no one’s surprise, other than maybe Landis’ naïve devoted followers, secondary tests on backup urine samples on Tour de France champion Floyd Landis found traces of synthetic testosterone, the French sports newspaper L'Equipe reported Monday. The tests on seven "B" samples clearly showed traces of the banned substance, the paper said on its Web site. Landis had insisted the follow-up tests weren't necessary because the primary "A" samples tested negative for banned substances during the Tour. L'Equipe said the lab used a technique that can distinguish synthetic from natural forms of testosterone, a male sex hormone. "I'm infuriated by the behavior of USADA and the French lab”, Landis said. "Together, they have turned this proceeding into a full-scale attack on my civil rights and a mockery of justice."

Ever since OJ got off, all professional athletes now believe they have an entitlement to the same lack of justice. However, the reality of being an American who dominates a European sport means that you have to expect them to try and bring you down at every instance. And really, Landis should just be thankful he wasn’t a black cyclist on his way to winning the Tour. Doping allegations are of secondary concern when European sports facists fanatics are tossing bananas into your spokes during a mountain descent.

Pacman to "reorganize priorities"

In his latest performance of this never ending carnival, Pacman Jones purchased a full-page advertisement in a Tennessee newspaper apologizing for the actions that led to his year long NFL suspension.

Pacman’s letter, prepared with the help of high paid lawyers, admits that he needs to reorganize his priorities and seeks forgiveness from his family, teammates, coaches, and fans. In the open letter Jones also claims to be returning to West Virginia University to tap 18 year old ass complete his degree.

Someone ought to tell Pacman that you don’t become intelligent once they hand you a piece of paper conferring you a degree. Especially when you pass by threatening to shoot the smart kid if he doesn’t do your assignments for you.

Does anyone actually believe that Pacman is going to change? This whole idea of publishing a letter of apology is about as ridiculous as Rae Carruth knitting some booties for his pregnant girlfriend.

Telfair loves guns

Boston Celtics guard Sebastian Telfair was arrested early Friday after police stopped him for speeding and found a loaded handgun under a seat in his SUV. Telfair was clocked driving at 32 mph over the limit in his Range Rover. Neither Telfair nor his passenger Al Eden Fuentes had a valid driver’s license, so Telfair’s SUV was set for impoundment and searched by an officer. The officer quickly noticed the butt of the handgun sticking out from under the passenger seat.

Telfair never leaves his crib unarmed. You may recall in 2006 that a loaded handgun was found in his pillowcase on the Trail Blazers' private jet at Boston's Logan International Airport. Telfair told authorities the gun belonged to his girlfriend and that he inadvertently grabbed the wrong bag when leaving for the team's road trip.

The officer’s lucky that he didn’t have to fetch a body bag from the trunk of his cruiser. After the dismal year the Celtics had and this likely ending Telfair’s NBA career, any reasonable person would have had that gun in their mouth and the trigger cocked.

Throwing Smoke Flashback - Steve Sullivan

This goes to show you should always listen to your mom when she says 'If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it at all.' Karma is a bitch, just like Sidney Crosby.

Poet's Corner - Sonnet

The NFL draft is near,
And that means stringent drug testing.
Some draft prospects will be in fear,
And never be resting.

3 of the top 10 projected selections,
Have admitted to using pot,
They need some time and reflection,
To change their ways and not be caught.

With Goodell’s hard stance,
Drafting four criminals as the Bengals did,
In 2006, that is a huge chance.
These players, the league is trying to get rid.

You may end up with a bust pick like Mandrich or Enis,
Still better than your players humiliating you like a kick in the penis.

Russia boots Semin

Washington Capitals sniper Alexander Semin has been kicked off of Russia’s World Hockey Championships team after missing the team’s first practice. Semin is saying that the incident is a simple misunderstanding and want’s the team to take him back. "I don't understand it…there is no explanation for it," Semin’s representative Mark Gandler said. "Alexander did nothing wrong, but even if he had, the punishment doesn't fit the crime."

Considering the issues between the Russian Hockey Federation (RHF) and their players recently, they should be happy that one of their players is brave enough to board a plane to represent their country. In their handling of their situation, the RHF is acting like a bunch of bitches; so they should know that when semen is cumming, you shut up and take it. In the face.