Modern American Slaves

It is good to see America hasn’t lost it roots. In a recent USA Today article, college football coaches are making well into 6 figures, and some into the 7 figures annually while players still make nothing. As in old times, the white man is still paid a lot of money to oversee unpaid slaves. But what do you expect from the NCAA when they still have the ‘Cotton Bowl’ as one of its big games.

TSN not that innovative

On Friday TSN will become the first network ever to provide both play-by-play and analysis from ice level for an NHL game. Earlier in the season, you may recall that they pioneered using the 'one-up, one-down' method with the play-by-play announcer in the broadcast booth and analyst between the benches. I honestly do not know how you can call it innovation when you are forced into separating your play-by-play guy from the analyst because he is a douchebag. Sitting in a booth with Glenn Healy for 3 hours ranks up there with putting on a pregnancy suit and letting Mark Fitzpatrick kick me in the stomach. I am not saying Healy is annoying, but if Graham James were his junior hockey coach, you can bet even he wouldn’t want to play with Healey’s naughty bits.

Iverson returns to his "Roots"

I was starting to worry about Allen Iverson. He’s been engaging in some whack behaviour of late. Payin’ for the funerals of gang-banged teens, and speakin’ out against gun violence. It’s gotten so bad that I was expecting to see him on ESPN2 counselling Shawn Kemp on the virtues of Planned Parenthood. And now I read that he’s snubbed a bunch of the 76ers’ rich honkey sponsors. You know, a month ago I could have pictured AI throwing strikes alongside a Heinz Corp. V.P. Cause when whitey’s got you on the dole to the tune of $17 mil per, it’s easy to turn your back on the hood. But A.I. is f***ing back. Someone better tell T.J. Ford that he’ll need to find a new partner for down at the women’s shelter. Just a suggestion though, don’t call Kobe.

Admit it

You were shocked too when you saw the name of the article about Chris Pronger's return to Edmonton, especially amidst all of the sexual rumours about his departure.


"Pronger gets off easy"

Don't drop a quarter in London, Ontario

In a mind blowing move, there has been huge fan outcry against the London Knights of the Ontario Hockey League for their announcement to introduce ‘Cheer Girls’ at their home games. I never realized what a huge gay population London had. Thinking about it, I should have clued in when I was at a game last year and it was "Brokeback Night" and the fans were asked to show up in ass-less chaps. I really don’t remember much from that hockey game other than I had a lot of Fuzzy Navels to drink and I couldn’t sit for a week.

Wallace gets some in the face

Tuesday night the Chicago Bulls' Ben Wallace had sweat dripping in his face after being forced to play without his trade mark headband. This followed Ben getting benched on Saturday for breaking a team rule that prohibits wearing said head piece.

I can just imagine the conversation at the Bulls head office that led to this rule.

Bulls GM - "I think NBA players are totally out of control."

Bulls Manager - "I agree. Lets make some rules to teach the ones that aren't already in jail some discipline. How about we ban the headband. Having 8 illegitimate kids is fine, but the headband, that is out of control. And while we are at it lets rule out knee high socks too."

GM - "Great Idea! We'll learn 'em good by taking away their headbands! I think we should lay off the socks though. Where will their pack their heat? Taking away their gat would be unconstitutional!"

Plummer finally violated

It has been reported that Jake Plummer will be replaced as quarterback of the Denver Broncos with rookie Jay Cutler. In getting benched, it looks like Plummer got his signature move trumped. You know the one where he sneaks up from behind and puts his hand under a skirt to cop a feel. Actually, the move Cutler pulled isn’t very similar at all. Cutler will have his hands in the crotch of a 300 pound dude. Sure Cutler won’t have 4 felony counts of sexual assault laid against him, but he still didn’t get to touch any box.

Let's get ready to rumble

As fighting has been reduced in the new NHL, it is great to see some diehards who still love to chuck the knuckles. Unfortunately, this hockey brawl was between parents at a pee-wee hockey game in Rome, New York. Police said eight to 15 people were involved in the melee during the game between 13- and 14-year-olds Saturday and one parent suffered a fractured skull. Speaking of riots, this reminds me of the time Patrick Ewing and I were at the Gold Club in Hotlanta getting humzies from strippers and the Feds showed up to shut the place down. Sequined bras, tiara’s and bongs were flying everywhere. Come to think of it, I never got my happy ending.

Hitchock to toy his thang in Columbus

The hope in Columbus is that revered coach Ken Hitchcock can turn the Blue Jackets around from their position at the bottom of the NHL. I’m not saying that they are a bad team, but if they were an album they would be one spot behind Kevin Federline on the Billboard music charts.

My money says that if Britney’s pile of cash, hot looks and great ass couldn’t make K-Fed a success, Hitch hasn’t got a prayer in hell of turning this team around. AY YABADYA!

Hall of roids?

This year’s list of eligible players for Baseball’s Hall of Fame was released this week. The main player of controversy on the list is alleged steroid abuser Mark McGwire. I can understand why he may have taken steroids. Sure it is great to mash a baseball 800 feet and hit 70 plus dingers a year. But in the end, when the playing days are done and all you are left with is a hairy back, the memory of a towel-clad Jose Canseco injecting your ass and no plaque in Cooperstown, you have to say it wasn’t worth it. Granted, I have never seen a towel-clad Jose Canseco.

Garcia fills in well - We hope

Last night Jeff Garcia filled in as quarterback for the Philadelphia Eagles for the injured Donovan McNabb. Watching the game, it was shocking the difference in size of these two QBs.

It was extremely obivous Garcia has never used performance enhancing drugs because he has less than average arm strength, and there is no way his former playmate of the year fiance, Carmella Decesare, would settle for a roid induced shrunken 3 inch penis.

If he did use Carmella, feel free to come visit Thicktown. Smooches!

New field, same old Pats

The New England Patriots replaced their terrible grass field with a state of the art artificial turf, in time for Sunday’s game versus the Chicago Bears. The Patriots beat the, now 9-2 Bears, 17-13 to move to 8-3. This seems like the best turf replacement in sports since Jose Theodore started taking Propecia. The only difference is Paris Hilton has yet to ride the turf. Or maybe she has and we will find out next week when the field is covered in crab grass.

Ron Mexico is all class

After their 4th straight loss, Atlanta Falcon’s ‘QB’ Ron Mexico…err Michael Vick gave the fans a one finger salute on his way to the locker room. After, Mexico said "First and foremost, I would like to apologize for my inappropriate actions with fans today. I was frustrated and upset at how the game was going for my team, and that frustration came out the wrong way. That's not what I'm about.” No need to apologize Mex. Everyone knows you are only about sticking your eleventh finger in some hoodrat with the clap.

Americans play dirty pool

As if the Floyd Landis doping saga wasn’t ridiculously shameless enough, now there are reports that “someone” has hacked the computer database of the lab that produced Landis’ positive test. The Landis camp has jumped all over this citing it as additional evidence that there are “continued security issues at the Chatenay-Malabry lab.”

We’ll never know who that “someone” was, but you don’t need to have seen Conspiracy Theory to know that this bears the hallmark of the CIA looking to defend American interests. In the US this is called patriotism. I’m a patriot too, but when I sent naked pictures of myself to fellow Canadian Avril Lavigne they called me a pervert and slapped me with a restraining order. I guess they were jealous of my thick 8.

Leafs are here and Queer, so deal with it

TSN reports that the Toronto Maple Leafs logo is to be used in a movie about a gay ex-leaf player and his lover, the team’s lawyer, who are taking care of queer 11 year old boy. What would be more fitting is if both the characters were ushers at Maple Leaf Gardens and call it a mockumentary.

Whom ever is playing the 11 year old gay boy will likely have a good career in the NHL…right Theo Fleury and Sheldon Kennedy ? Oh wait, Theo was asleep in the back seat. My mistake.

Tour de Quoi?

The Tour de Georgia unveiled their route for 2007. Are you freaking kidding me? The Tour de Georgia?! Pardon my French, but I didn’t know that the US’s top STD state had such an affluent francophone population. Just because you have a branch of Quebecor World Inc. in your state doesn’t make you French. Just like speaking ebonics and grabbing his balls doesn’t make Jason ‘White Chocolate’ Williams black.

Wie in the land of small wee-wees

Michelle Wie went 9 over in a men’s event in Japan. She was tied for 101st but she was 2 strokes ahead of last place Japanese golfer Tomomichi Oto. Oto must be the most unfortunate man in the world, not only is he pre-disposed to having a less than average manhood but he is losing to a 17 year old girl.

Michelle, as you will have the weekend off again, feel free to call me. I can help you with your stroking. You can use my club.

The Intimidator robbed

A racing suit that was worn by the late NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Sr. has been stolen from Texas Motor Speedway. It is reported that his suit is valued at $100,000. I don't know why people are so upset. If they really want another authentically worn Earnhardt suit, all they need is a plane ticket to North Carolina and a shovel.

Turkey Day

Thanksgiving – The perfect example of gluttony and sloth. It is good to see that over the years, nothing has changed on Thanksgiving. Americans still sit and watch a bunch of ebony warriors battle it out on the field for a prize. Except 200 years ago, it wasn’t about football, it was about their “farmhands” dueling it out with pitchforks to spare their wives from being raped by the plantation owner. At least the slaves didn’t have to put up with T.O.’s bitchiness.

Barbaro loses cast

Kentucky Derby Winner Barbaro had the cast removed from his lower right hind leg on Monday. He was in the cast since having surgery on May 21, a day after his horrific accident at the Preakness.

So much for my new business idea, Triple Crown Glue, made up of past winners who have been put down. My family isn’t too happy that I mortgaged the house to secure the rights for Barbaro to be in the inaugural bottle. I guess my Dad was right when he called me a loser. But he’ll regret that when he finds out that I replaced his heart medication with Tic Tacs. Who's the loser now?

T.O. not sending McNabb a get well card

How the hell is this news? Of course he won't send well wishes. T.O. got run out of Philly and they hate each other. Like, just because my ex got the clap doesn't mean I should send her a card, even if it was my fault.

Owens has a habit of alienating QBs. The only one in Dallas sending anything to McNabb is Drew Bledsoe, whose job got snatched out from under him by some kid when Owens started bitching and whining earlier this season. Maybe when Philly plays Dallas on Christmas Day Bledsoe and McNabb can stand on the sidelines together and stab their T.O. voodoo dolls in unison.

Brett Favre at practice this Thursday

Teammate – Hey Brett, is your arm still hurting from Sunday?

Favre – (stumbling in to the locker room, obviously flying high) Hey man, life is great. What arm injury?

Teammate – Great, great to hear man.

Favre – (moves in closer to his teammate and whispers in his ear) Okay man, you drive a hard bargain. I am out of Vicodin and I need a hit.

Teammate – Oh really?

Favre – Come on man, this is my last shot at stardom, set me up.

Teammate –Your Superbowl ring sure does look nice. By the way, what is your wife doing tonight?

Admit it

You busted a gut too when you saw who led the Florida State Seminoles in receiving this past weekend in their college football game.

De'Cody Fagg

Eisler Loves Box

Skate Canada suspended the two-time Olympic bronze medalist, Lloyd Eisler on Oct. 3 after he allegedly sent inappropriate emails to a 15-year-old female skater he was coaching. Eisler is now coaching in the U.S. while under suspension in Canada. Honestly, for a country that has Emmanual Sandhu skating under their flag, any signs of heterosexuality in this sport should be applauded.

The Price of Poles has just gone up

In yet another European soccer scandal, a Polish player was allegedly offered $13,000 US to throw a soccer match. Since when did it get so expensive to bribe a Pole? This summer, all I had to do to get 2 polish guys to build my shed was to give them a $2 off coupon at Denny's and a half eaten bagel. Granted, they reeked of booze and urinated themselves, but you get what you pay for.

Lewis is a tough mofo

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Iverson not so Hardcore

Allen Iverson has announced that he will pay for the funeral of a teenager who was shot and killed in southwest Philadelphia because he refused to hand over his Iverson jersey. Iverson says he's "tired of reading about murders in Philadelphia", and wanted to do something.

Iverson’s tired of reading about murders? This is Allen Iverson we’re talking about. Allen f***ing Iverson. This guy spends more time promoting hood gangsterism than Shawn Kemp does knocking up broads. When AI raps “Hats off to the hardcore niggaz FUCK the rest!” I take that for cash. Is there nothing we can believe in anymore? Next they’ll be telling me that he’s taking anger management and offering his time down at the battered women’s shelter with TJ Ford.

Forget A-Rod. All hail Jeter's Rod

Derek Jeter has been romantically linked to Jessica Biel. And by linked I mean with handcuffs; I hear she likes that sort of stuff. I dont really have a joke here becuase who can blame Jeter for tapping that. I just needed an excuse for throwing up Biel's picture on a sports site.
If you need me I'll be in the men's room with my laptop.

The Juice is Loose (still)

In late November, Fox will broadcast an interview with O.J. Simpson in which he discusses "how he would have committed" the slayings of his ex-wife Nicole and her friend Ron Goldman. The interview is part of a blitz promoting his latest book "If I Did It."

The Juice is an awful human being. A part of me wants to believe that he’s trying to raise money to pay off the Goldman civil suit. But a far more cynical part of me says he’s doing this to taunt the Goldmans. The only thing funnier would have been if OJ had stood up in court after hearing the not-guilty verdict and shouted “I’m going to Disneyland” while tossing the missing glove into Fred Goldman’s lap.

Admit it!

You smirked too when you saw who upset #3 Kansas last night in US college basketball.


Oral Roberts - 78
#3 Kansas - 71