T.O. is spitting mad

As if getting his quarterback benched, sleeping during team meetings and attempting suicide didn’t make for a busy enough year, Terrell Owens is back in the news after performing his best Pacman Jones imitation on DeAngelo Hall of the Hotlanta Falcons. Hall said, with Owens later admitting, that he spit in Hall’s face when the Falcons' cornerback came out jawing on the very first play.

What else is there left for Owens to do other than win a Super Bowl? His life is a freaking cartoon. If I read tomorrow that an anvil fell out of the sky and hit him on the head while he was walking to his car and then a train hit him as he drove away, I’d laugh. But I wouldn’t be surprised. Yadaba daba daba, That's all folks!

Gold eludes 3-legged sprinter

Reports out of New Delhi say that Indian sprinter Santhi Soundarajan will be stripped of the silver medal because 'it' doesn't have the sexual characteristics of a woman. I am not sure which is worse, the fact that a dude pretended to be a woman in competition and still lost , or that I just booked my ticket to India to try and tap that ass.

Poet's Corner

Look for this regular column every weekend. For the first Poet's Corner, we have a haiku about college sports and their lack of education:

Dumb college athletes
They need to learn one sentance
Fries with that madam?

Bedard goes ghetto

If there is one complaint we have received on Throwing Smoke over the first three months, it was to include more Biathlon content. In keeping with our fan's wishes we bring you this: Myriam Bedard, Canadian double gold medalist biathlete decided that kidnapping would become her next endeavor.

An arrest warrant has been sworn out against her on suspicion of abducting her own daughter. It's the most recent of a string of episodes in the last decade that has also seen her spar with her sports federation and make sensational allegations during the federal sponsorship scandal.

It is sad to say, but Myriam Bedard now has more street cred than T.J. Ford. She knows how to handle a gat and now she’s got a police rap. T.J., when a 100 pound French woman is more gangsta than you, it is time to stop comparing yourself to Allen Iverson and to start comparing yourself to Webster. Ma’am and George Papadopolous called, they are ready to adopt again.

Marcus Mexico sleeps with women smarter than him

As if this should be some surprise, Michael Vick’s younger brother, Marcus is being sued by a 17-year-old girl who claims she had an almost two-year sexual relationship with Miami Dolphins rookie Marcus Vick. The lawsuit states that the girl was a 15-year-old honor student at Christiansburg High School when she first had sex with Vick in January 2004 while he was a quarterback at Virginia Tech. The lawsuit also says Vick wanted her to have sex with other men and contends that Vick offered her alcohol and marijuana several times. Finally, it was stated that the old guy standard of saying he loved her, wanted her to have his child and that having a sexual relationship with someone her age was acceptable.

It is great to see that class oozes from the Vick family tree. And by class I mean that Michael Vick is thoughtful for having shown his younger brother that sleeping with virgins can’t possibly give you a burning sensation when you piss.

Athletes love gats

Chicago Bears defensive tackle Tank Johnson was charged Thursday with not having a gun owner identification card after six firearms were found at his Gurnee home. This is his second gun related charge in the past 2 years. I don't even know why we are posting about an NFL player being arrested as it isn't news anymore. Most of the NFL’s ghetto players are like Andre Rison's house. Sooner or later, you know they are going to crash and burn.

Artest talks about his rap album

Sacramento kings forward Ron Artest finally got around last month to releasing the rap album he was working on during his year long suspension for fighting with fans in Detroit in 2004. Due to the ongoing basketball season Artest hasn’t been out actively promoting the release, but he did find time to give an exclusive interview to little known “andPop” online magazine. Most of this interview makes no sense, even for Ron Artest. I’ve posted the best captions below, but if you want a look into the skewed ghetto world-view of Ron Artest I suggest you read the whole thing here.

On the album’s second track, “Haterz”:

... the commissioner will hear his name cited in one of Artest's rhymes: "David Stern, damn David Stern, I gotta teach you 'bout the ghetto, some things you should learn."

"There are so many people in the NBA that are from the ghetto and David Stern needs to learn a little more about these types of people that are in his league," Artest says on the line from Sacramento. "He ain't understand how to deal with the people that are in the NBA and he comes down hard on people at times."

On keeping it real:

Artest realizes the prominence of "street cred" – more or less audience approval – in the hip-hop game. "It's important that I have street cred because of the type of music that I'm doing and the type of people that are attracted to me.," says the 27-year-old from New York's Queensbridge Projects. "Right now my street cred is that I'm a real dude, not a thug, just a real dude."

On being hardcore:

"There are a lot of things I could have done [to promote my album] like touring in other states but I had to pass. I understand that without basketball, none of this would have been possible and I respect that. I always realized that but I always tried to keep it real to myself and sometimes I keep it too real and sometimes that hurt me. You can't be hardcore every day all day."

I really don’t know what else to say about all of this. It boggles the mind that this “hardcore” illiterate earns more in a year playing ghetto sports than 10 brain surgeons make over the course of their entire careers combined.

Roenick Going for Gold

The Phoenix Coyotes’ Jeremey Roenick (JR) was scratched on Tuesday for a nagging back injury, but claimed he was able to play. Instead of watching the game from the press box, Roenick was spotted at a nearby restaurant having dinner and watching the game on TV. This may be the beginning of the end of Roenick’s career but at least he is in the right city as Phoenix is full of retired people. With all of his spare time now, I hear he may try and top my feat of sleeping with the cast of Fact’s of Life by bagging the Golden Girls. If he manages to sleep with the demented 83 year-old Estelle Getty, I will call the cops on that sick bastard. Estelle, sweetness, why won't you return my calls?

Brady should cowboy up

Miami Dolphins players commented earlier this week that their club purchased tapes of the New England Patriots offense which provided audio of quarterback Tom Brady making audible and line-blocking calls. The NFL found nothing wrong with the Dolphin’s actions.

The only tapes of Tom Brady I would ever consider purchasing are of him shooting heroin with a dozen coked-up strippers while getting blown. This is the NFL Tom, time to finally get some street-cred like your man Michael Irvin. You need to drop your GQ image and get yourself a mink coat, a hooker for each arm and an 8-ball. Superbowl rings aside, this is the only way you will be respected in the hood. Word up.

Artest is the new Dr. Phil

In an interview yesterday Sacramento Kings forward Ron Artest offered some advice to fellow NBA gangbanger Allan Iverson who is waiting to be traded from the Philadelphia 76ers. “Just go out and play the game. In my case, I wanted to be traded, but at the same time, I wanted to play, and play to win."

I’m assuming that when Artest says he “played to win” while waiting for a trade from the Pacers he means he “left the team to go work on his rap album.” This is Ron Artest we are talking about here. The same Ron Artest who went into the stands a few years back to pummel a fan. Accepting advice from Ron Artest on anything career related is like accepting a blood transfusion from Magic Johnson. Buyer Beware.

East German she-males to be compensated

Former athletes who were victims of East Germany's systematic doping program will get a one-time payment of $12,210 as compensation for health problems and give up any other legal action. Over the years, East Germany dominated many Olympic events with women who resembled Bryant ‘Big Country’ Reeves. But unlike Reeves who after an unheralded six-year career was left with $65 million in his pocket, all these poor 'women' were left with is a token settlement and a penis in their pants.

Shaq likes blow up dolls

The new synthetic ball that has been used this year in the NBA has been dissed by most players. In a recent interview Shaq said, "The ball is terrible. It's something we'll just have to get used to. Playing with the new ball is like going to a gentlemen's club, seeing an exotic dancer and then going home and playing with a plastic blow-up doll. It's bad."

No doubt if they asked Kobe Bryant, his response would have been "The ball is brutal. Trying to score with the new ball is like going to Colorado for knee surgery, raping a white girl and then losing all of your million dollar endorsements and having to buy your wife five million dollars worth of bling. What were we talking about again? That's right, I love white box, yo"

Bengal Watch Update: Number 8 - Sky's the limit

Cincinnati Bengal arrests have ramped up to an incredible one per week with the announcement that Bengals all-star cornerback Deltha O’Neal was arrested on the weekend for drunken driving.

You just know that once the Bengals are officially eliminated from the wildcard race, and the disappointment of a lost season sinks in, this number will grow exponentially. It’s not often that you can predict a civic disaster before it strikes. The residents of Cincy would be wise to heed this sign and stay off the roads and out of nightclubs for the next two months.

Bruins' Mystery Departure

The Boston Bruins' Phil Kessel has left the team for a non-hockey related injury. We hope he wasn't following in the footsteps of another high draft pick, Alexandre Daigle, and sticking it in a hepatitis-filled Pam Anderson. Phil, just because fellow Bruin Brad Stuart can play one vital organ down, does not make this a contest. Take the example of Jose Theodore and stick to classier broads like Paris Hilton. At least herpes won't cause your liver to fail.

UPDATE: Here at Throwing Smoke, we think a lot of things are a joke, like the American legal system that somehow lets OJ and Jayson Williams walk free, players not keeping it in their pants and lame steroid excuses from 'Cheetahs'. What we do not find funny is cancer. No, this isn't another A-Rod reference. In all sincerity, we would like to wish Phil Kessel all the best in his battle with testicular cancer. Phil, don't worry bra, in no time, you will be back on the road again with the Bruins banging the puck bunnies! Good Luck!

Message to the NBA players - Use domes!

In an NBA game this weekend, play had to be stopped after Lebron James' son, Lebron Jr. threw a toy basketball on the court. After this embarrassing episode, everyone was thankful that Larry Johnson and Shawn Kemp weren't still in the league. With 12 illegitimate children combined, the game would be going on as long as their child support payments.

Just what the Doctor ordered

New York Yankees owner George Steinbrenner may give Dwight Gooden a role with the team, provided he stays off drugs and alcohol until mid-February. "I want him to prove he can do it," Steinbrenner said last week.

Either Steinbrenner is naive, or he’s a comedic genius. Cause there’s no way Doc will stay off the rock for 3 months, little lone 2 weeks. Not with Darryl Strawberry currently working across town for the rival Mets. And unless these guys are separated by 300 miles or a set of steel bars, it won’t be long before the high jinx and hilarity begins anew. Stay tuned, cause the best is yet to come.

Don't mess with the Sens

Ottawa Senators left winger Peter Schaefer was fined $2,500 by the NHL for waving a towel while on the bench during Wednesday's 6-2 loss to the Washington Capitals. The club was apparently unhappy with the officiating in the game as 11 penalties had been called against each team. Rumour has it that if a 12th penalty was called against Ottawa, Dany Heatley was going to hijack the Zamboni and start running down the whistle-happy zebras.

Griffin gets freaky

Minnesota Timberwolves forward Eddie Griffin pleaded guilty this week to a misdemeanor charge for inattentive driving. This alone wouldn’t merit mention on Throwing Smoke as NBA players are being arrested all the time for things like driving violations or killing people. In Minneapolis they are reporting a bizarre set of circumstances surrounding his arrest. There is surveillance tape which shows Griffin’s pimped-out Cadillac Escalade smashing into a parked SUV. A half-naked Griffin exited his vehicle, staggered around, and claimed repeatedly to witnesses that he was drunk. One witness claims that the intoxicated Griffin told him that the reason for the accident was because he was masturbating to pornography on his dashboard DVD player.

What is the world coming to? It used to be that when a brother had urges he would head down to the Gold Club for a little action. This is a new all-time low for the NBA. Almost as low as my buddy who had anal sex last night with the office supervisor of his live-in girlfriend. Between him and Griffin humanity has taken a huge step backwards today.

Drugs a problem in the dart world

In this week’s ‘You have to be kidding me’ column, a dart player in Europe has failed a drug test. Robbie Green became the first person in his ‘sport’ to be suspended for taking illegal drugs. The hypocrisy of letting players down large quantities of beer during games while simultaneously testing them for marijuana use is completely mind blowing. This is as stupid as going on a fishing trip with Bob Ojeda and expecting to cast a reel.

Lester - Cancer Free!

Doctors have told Boston Redsox pitcher Jon Lester that he is cancer free. Lester is now planning on being ready for training camp.

In related news, the Yankees are also hoping to declare their clubhouse cancer free at the conclusion of baseball’s winter meetings.

Drug testing is getting out of control

The NFL has suspended New Orleans Saints defensive tackle Hollis Thomas for violating the league’s steroid policy due to asthma medication he takes. Thomas has severe asthma problems and requires a high dose of inhaled steroids in order to breathe. It is ridiculous that the NFL doesn’t want its players to be able to breathe. I guess that’s why they honour Reggie White so much.

Johnson vs Lewis yet again

In an allegation that just won’t go away, sprinter Ben Johnson has told an Australian newspaper that his chief rival, Carl Lewis, was "involved" in a conspiracy to sabotage Johnson's drug testing scandal at the 1988 Seoul Olympics. As a result, Ben Johnson is now resorting to stuttering his way through some terrible soft drink commercials while pretty boy Carl Lewis is at home polishing off his gold medals. I guess when you have a corrupt American power house athletic federation behind you and you aren’t an uneducated islander, your positive drug test can just be swept aside. Carl, as you sit back and drink your cognac, remember gold medals won’t keep you cool in hell and that it should be you saying the magic phrase ‘Absolutely! I Cheetah all the time!’

White Trash

Adam Morrison of the NBA's Charlotte Bobcats is off to a good start to his rookie campaign. It is too bad Louisville Slugger doesn't make razors because I would really love to club that 13 year-old boy moustache off of his yapper.

Bengal Watch Update: Number Seven and Counting

The Cincinnati Bengals have expanded their lead over the Tennessee Titans for most players arrested this year. Congratulations are in order for wide receiver Reggie McNeal who becomes the seventh Bengal arrested this season after pushing around a few cops in Houston on Sunday when he was refused entry to a nightclub for being too intoxicated.

This is further proof that the Bengals clubhouse is completely dysfunctional. Although in all fairness, they’ve got a ways to go to reach Culpepper-era Vikings territory. I don’t even know or care who Reggie McNeal is, but I do know one thing, it’s a damn good thing that Cincinnati is landlocked.

Sloan Nears Milestone

Jerry Sloan, long time coach of the Utah Jazz is only 1 win away from his 1000th career NBA win.
I think it would be appropriate if Jerry celebrated this milestone with a little “pick ‘n roll”, in memory of John Stockton and Karl “Mailman” Malone, who gave him most of those wins.
And in Utah, the pick 'n roll is just a fancy way of saying "pick a few of your cousins and take them for a roll in the hay."

Kemp considers comeback

I don’t know how we missed this one, but apparently last month the Seattle SuperSonics hosted a 40th anniversary ceremony featuring a number of former SuperSonic stars, including the ever-virile Shawn Kemp. In a surprise proclamation Kemp told the crowd, “Between you and me, I would love a chance to win a ring. Don't be surprised if you see me sneak in here and play this season.”

Given all the Shawn Kemp references we toss around here at Throwing Smoke, it’s good to see that he’s actually back in the news again. All of this comeback talk can only mean one thing—that Kemp is finding it hard to score broads while playing basketball in Italy. Either that or Kemp is frustrated with the widespread use of contraceptives by Italian women. And by “contraceptives” I mean they prefer back door.

NHL advertises effectively

The NHL has received high praise for its ‘In Bed with Peter Forsberg’ commercial that was aired to promote the new NHL season. I recall a few years back pitcher Denny Neagle was working on a promotion for Major League Baseball. The only problem was that instead of casting a suburban family and hiring a camera crew, Neagle went cruising the streets in his Beemer with 40 bucks and a burning desire for a blow job. I'm not saying Neagle’s ad wouldn’t have worked, but I think the concept would be better suited to the NBA. And for maximum impact the ad would feature Wilt Chamberlain:


Most Rebounds Grabbed: 55 in a game
Most Points Scored: 100 in regulation
20,000 Broads F***ed: Priceless

The NBA, it's Ho-tastic!

T.O. has butter fingers, and not the chocolate bar

Terrell Owens of the Dallas Cowboys had a good game on Sunday with 8 catches for 84 yards, but he could have hit double digits if he didn’t drop 2 easy passes. T.O. continues to lead the league in drops.

Despite how good Owens thinks he is, he certainly has trouble with holding on to things other than his assumed to be large manhood. In addition to the half a dozen passes this year, he’s also dropped the 49ers, the Eagles and about 35 pain killers down his throat.

His publicist said, “Terrell has 25 million reasons why he should be alive.” In reality he has 25 million reasons to play half-assed to avoid hurting himself. After all, no matter how much money you have, you won’t get attention if you are too banged up to display your ebony handsomeness when doing topless crunches on your driveway.

Too bad Owens hasn’t dropped his wallet in my lap, then I wouldn’t have to write this dribble.

Ride'em cowboy!

On Friday, Russel Baze became thoroughbred racing's winningest jockey, by capturing his 9,531st victory aboard Butterfly Belle at Bay Meadows. I haven't seen anyone ride this many horses to success since Mark Grace was slump-busting during his baseball playing days. I am not saying that banging fat chicks is bad though. Box is box yo.

Trying to wash the slate clean

Two-time Cy Young award winner, Bret Saberhagen made a controversial statement to the baseball Hall of Fame this week, regarding what he would do if he was somehow elected to the Hall. "I'd have to decline," Saberhagen said by phone. "I wouldn't accept it unless the Hall decides to put Pete Rose in, which is where he belongs. You're talking about the all-time hits leader. It's never been proven that he bet on baseball while he played." No need to worry Bret, the only way you will see the inside of Cooperstown is if you buy a ticket or if they need someone to bleach the floors clean. What about making a phone call to Cal Ripken Jr? Maybe he will let you and Vince Coleman do a fireworks show to celebrate his induction.