Throwing Smoke Flashback - Banned beer ad

This commercial was taken off the air because it shows numerous dudes getting hit in the package at a baseball game. Sure 33 guys had their balls mashed, but that is nothing compared to the number Kazuhito Tadano has had bounce off his chin.

Poet's Corner

Nadal and Roger,

In the French Open Finals.

Man Capris are gay.

Cat fight on the LPGA

A tiff between the world's two best known women golfers is raising the heat for this week's LPGA Championship, with Annika Sorenstam saying Michelle Wie lacked class in dealing with a wrist injury. Specifically noting how Wie withdraw from a tournament last week when she was 14 over par, citing a wrist injury, only to practice two days later. If Wie had shot an 88 (she was 2 bogeys away from this score) she would have been ineligible to play on the LPGA for a year. "I just feel there's a little bit of a lack of respect and class just to leave a tournament like that and then come out and practice here," Sorenstam told a news conference.

Wie's troubles were compounded when her playing partners in a pro-am event on Monday at Bulle Rock lodged a complaint, prompting LPGA Commissioner Carolyn Bivens to meet with Wie's father, B.J., and agent, Greg Nared.

Is it any wonder that the other players on tour hate Wie? She hasn't won anything but critism since turning pro, yet this stunning beauty is cashing in more than anyone else on tour. I feel her pain though. It is like watching my life unfold again before my eyes. But instead of being beautiful and making benjamins golfing, I was homeless and dealing 3 card Monte. Sure I only had to outsmart some homeless drunks for their food stamps, but a win is a win, yo.

Rocket ready for blast-off

ESPN’s non-stop hyping of Roger Clemens’ return reached new levels of ridiculous this week after they reported that Clemens is ready to return to action following a workout where he threw 62 pitches, none with any velocity.

Are the Yankees serious about letting Clemens test his new slowball pitch in an actual game? If this is the guy they are pinning their hopes on they might as well dig up Cory Lidle and give him a comeback shot too.

Update: Clemens gave a quality six-inning start during his win against the Padres on Saturday afternoon. So I guess I have no clue what's going on anymore. Estelle Getty's still hot right?

Upshaw is a good leader

Joe DeLamielleure, a Hall of Fame NFL guard, aired his concerns earlier in the year about how he believes NFL union head Gene Upshaw has ignored the needs of the league's former players. Reacting to the criticism, NFL union head Gene Upshaw fired back to the Philadelphia Daily News. "A guy like DeLamielleure says the things he said about me; you think I'm going to invite him to dinner? No, I'm going to break his ... damn neck."

DeLamielleure rebutted on ESPN radio on Tuesday. "My mission when I wake up every day is to figure out a way to get Upshaw fired," DeLamielleure said. "I'm not afraid of Gene Upshaw. ... He is the head of a multi-billion dollar industry. He has the wherewithal to do it." Upshaw has noted that pension payouts have increased and a plan has been enacted to help former players with dementia.

Once the players dump Upshaw they should consider the Juice as the next union boss. He’s got a lot of free time on his hands now that he’s given up his hunt for the real killers. And he wouldn’t threaten to break any players’ necks. He’d just show up to your house and slash you instead.

Ducks win

The Anaheim Ducks won their first Stanley Cup in franchise history on Wednesday night with a 6-2 win over the Ottawa Senators. The Ducks won the best of 7 series 4-1, as the Senators rolled over and died in game 5.

Now, if only NHL commissioner Gary Bettman would do hockey fans a favour and do the same.

Sheffield turns guru

According to a 2005 report by the University of Central Florida Institute for Diversity and Ethics in Sport, only 8.5% of major leaguers were African American -- the lowest percentage since the report was initiated in the mid-1980s. By contrast, whites comprised 59.5% of the majors' player pool, Latinos 28.7% and Asians 2.5%. With the percentage of African-Americans playing Major League Baseball at an all-time low Gary Sheffield says he has a theory why that's the case.

In an interview with GQ magazine Sheffield states, "I called it years ago. What I called is that you're going to see more black faces, but there ain't no English going to be coming out. … [It's about] being able to tell [Latin players] what to do -- being able to control them," he told the magazine. "Where I'm from [the ghetto], you can't control us. You might get a guy to do it that way for a while because he wants to benefit [bling and broads], but in the end, he is going to go back to being who he is [a criminal]. And that's a person that you're going to talk to with respect, you're going to talk to like a man. These are the things my race demands. So, if you're equally good as this Latin player, guess who's going to get sent home? I know a lot of players that are home now can outplay a lot of these guys."

Latinos are easier to control than blacks? Try telling that to the US border authorities. Or maybe by “easier to control” Shef means that Latinos follow team policy by not bringing their weapons into the clubhouse.

Bonds tells it

The media are annoying players around the league regarding Alex Rodriguez's bush league 'mine' play of last week, especially Barry Bonds. "That's Toronto's fault," Bonds said. "Catch the ball." Then Bonds laughed loudly. "It's your own -- fault. What's wrong with you? You've got 30,000 people in the stands hollering." Two lockers away from Bonds, Rich Aurilia had a completely different take. "I think if you ask anyone in baseball if they think it's accepted, I'd pretty much guarantee that everyone will agree that it's not." Aurilia answered questions for 10 minutes, but Bonds quickly grew tired of the exchange. When asked if he's ever yelled at an infielder like that, he shook his head. When he was asked if the move was unsportsmanlike conduct, he snapped. "Go ask Alex," he said. "Leave me the -- out of it. Not my problem."

What's with the burr up Bonds' ass? He should be happy that A-Rod is deflecting media attention away from his steroid fueled home run chase. And really, if Bonds was smart he’d work out a deal with Mike Piazza to have him come out of the closet on the same day he breaks Hank Aaron's record.

Lebron is a good father

According to True Hoop, LeBron has already told ESPN that he's not going to miss any of the games for his kid's birth. James' girlfriend, Savannah Brinson, is due to deliver the couple's second son on June 17, which is when the potential Game 5 of the finals will tip off in Cleveland. When Brinson gave birth to LeBron James Jr. in October 2004, James left training camp in Columbus for several days.

So much for family values from the NBA’s biggest star; having his 2nd child out of wedlock. This must be the big thing for all of sports’ marqee players. First Tom Brady, now Lebron James, again. What the hell are Sidney Crosby and Derek Jeter waiting for? Although Lebron isn’t at Jordan status yet, he is well on his way to being the next Shawn Kemp. But he’ll need to start getting real and stop knocking up the same broad all the time.

Brady is political fodder

A candidate for Congress has accused Patriots quarterback Tom Brady of shameful morality and said he should be held accountable for his behavior. Kevin Thompson, who is running on the obscure Constiutional Party ticket in the Massachusetts 5th Congressional district, wrote a strongly worded blog post after an interview with Brady was published in Details magazine. "What kind of world is this? Many millions of small, adoring fans look up to Brady only to find him chasing models, fathering children out of wedlock, and unashamedly engaging in an immoral lifestyle," Thompson wrote. "Tom Brady apparently has no regard for traditional virtue or Biblical morality."

Okay, Thompson may have a point, but look at who Tom Brady has been tapping. I am sure if the all-mighty were to meet up with Brady, he would give him a high-five along with a little advice for the future - pull out sooner.

Serena is out

Tuesday, Serena Williams lost to two-time defending champion Justine Henin 6-4, 6-3 at the French Open. Henin extended her Open era record winning streak at Roland Garros to 31 consecutive sets. The Belgian is two rounds from becoming the first woman to win three consecutive French Open titles since Monica Seles in 1990-92. "All she had to do was show up," Williams said. "I just pretty much stood back and let her take advantage of me."

Normally if a woman made that quote about another female we’d all start getting pretty excited. But considering it came out of that horse Serena Williams' mouth, it’s about as hot as over-hearing Martina Navrotilova saying she wants to ace the server’s box.

Beard will be shaved

Olympic gold medal swimmer Amanda Beard will appear in July’s issue of Playboy. Allison Stokke, take note, this is how you cash in.

To hold all of you over until this edition is released, here are links to Amanda's 2005 Sports Illustrated and FHM shoots. Now if you will please excuse me, my box of tissue and I have some business to attend to.

Morton gets owned

Johnnie Morton's transition from the NFL to Mixed Martial Arts didn't go as planned for the former wide receiver. Morton, 35, was knocked out just 38 seconds into the first round of his match against Bernard Ackah on Saturday night and then was suspended by the California State Athletic Commission after refusing to supply a urine sample for drug testing. Morton was fighting on a K-1/Elite XC Dynamite!! USA card at the L.A. Memorial Coliseum. He was put in a neck splint and taken to California Hospital in Los Angeles for observation, but was able to flash a victory sign to the crowd before leaving the ring on a stretcher.

If this is victory for Morton, I would love to see defeat. And by defeat I mean seeing me jump into the ring and smack him around while he’s strapped down to the stretcher. Yeah, it’s wrong to beat a guy when he’s down, but you try keeping these pythons locked up.

Cuban will try football

Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban is part of a group considering formation of a football league that would compete with the NFL for players drafted lower than the second round. The league, still very much in the preliminary stage, would play its games on Friday nights. The NFL does not play then because of the potential conflict with high school football. "It's a pretty simple concept," Cuban said in an e-mail to The Associated Press. "We think there is more demand for pro football than supply."

As long as 'He Hate Me' is in uniform, sign me up! Seriously, the XFL already showed that no one wants to see a bunch of scrubs on the football field. Cuban's only hope is to allow the league to sign suspended NFL stars. Who wouldn't want to see the Cincinnati Bengals square off against Michael Vick of the Georgia Mad Dogs, Pacman Jones of the Las Vegas Rainmakers or to see Ricky Williams running for the Toronto Smoke?

African soccer fans are crazy

At least 12 soccer fans were crushed to death as a crowd rushed from the stadium after Zambia's victory in an African Cup qualifier. Local media is reporting that fans were in a hurry to leave because the match started an hour late. The newspaper said three women and nine men were killed. Fiver other fans were hospitalized after the accident Saturday at Konkola Stadium.

Are they sure the stampede wasn't caused when someone in the parking lot yelled 'we’ve got food and water?' Seriously, how can you get crushed by a herd of 80 pound skeletons?

Donovan knows what he wants

Days after leaving the University of Florida to be the next head coach the Orlando Magic, Billy Donovan informed the both organizations over the weekend that he had second thoughts about agreeing to be Orlando's coach, and the NBA team was deciding on Monday whether to let him go. Donovan signed a five-year, $27.5 million deal on Friday, multiple sources told ESPN.com on Sunday. If the Magic do let Donovan out of the deal, they have to decide whether to enforce a financial penalty. Both sides aren't talking publicly because there are legal issues involved in such a decision, but college basketball reporter Andy Katz said on ESPN this morning that, "the Orlando Magic are expecting Billy Donovan to honor this commitment."

Donovan, make up your freaking mind! You are worse than I was at the strip club on Saturady night. I mean, do I go blonde or brunette? DD cup or just B's? Then I thought, what the hell, and dropped $80 for all of them to give me a good time............What was I posting about again?

LeBron is 'da Man

In a shocking upset, the Cleveland Cavaliers won the best of 7 series against the Detroit Pistons, 4 games to 2, to advance to the NBA finals versus the San Antonio Spurs. Lebron James lead the Cavs to the improbable, 98-82 win in game six at home Saturday night. This followed his game five performance, where he scored 29 of his teams last 30 points, for a come-from-behind double OT win in Detroit.

"Man! Oh man!" was all LeBron James could say after the victory when he took the microphone and began to address the fans. And then, LeBron played to the fans and gave them what they wanted to hear: "First of all, man, I'd like to thank every single one of the 20,000 fans. This is special. This is so special, man!" James said. "This is the best thing that ever happened to me, but listen here: It doesn't stop."

LeBron, man, you’ve got an awesome command of the English language man! I guess that’s what happens when you skip college. Although to be fair, Ron Artest played college ball and he speaks about as fluent English as a toaster.

Give King James credit though, he put the Cavs on his back and carried them into the finals. It was Jordan-esque, but it’s still too early to make those kinds of comparisons. At the tender age of 22, you can’t expect LeBron to have already cheated on his wife and developed an out of control gambling problem.

Can the Cubs season get any worse?

In Friday's Chicago Cubs game there was a brawl; between teammates. With runners on first and second, catcher Michael Barrett allowed a passed ball and threw wildly to third for an error that let a run score. Atlanta Pitcher Kyle Davies and Kelly Johnson followed with RBI doubles. Zambrano was seen pointing at his head and yelling at the catcher in the dugout before the bottom half, while Barrett pointed toward the field.

There was shoving and some slaps. Zambrano cocked his right fist as they were being separated. Piniella said Zambrano was upset about the passed ball, and the manager along with several players walked the pitcher back to the clubhouse. Piniella told Zambrano to take a shower and go home, then returned to the dugout. Moments later, a clubhouse attendant could be seen telling Piniella something. Derrek Lee jumped up and headed into the tunnel, and Piniella and pitching coach Larry Rothschild followed. In the end, Barrett ended up at the hospital with a busted lip.

With Zambrano at 5-5 with an ERA over 5, he must have been tired of being the one getting smacked around. But no one wants to see two teammates go at it. Unless we are talking about the Lingere Bowl. In which case I'd give my left arm to see Angie Everhart and Nikki Ziering getting hot and bothered while disputing a call. That would still leave me with just enough appendages to pleasure myself to that piece of heaven.

Ex-Colt parties with teens

Police arrested Jack Trudeau, the former Indianapolis Colts quarterback, and a dozen teenagers early Saturday after police responded to a complaint of a loud party and found liquor being served at a Park Tudor High School graduation party. When police first asked Trudeau, 44, if they could check on the welfare of the teenagers, he told them they would need a warrant. Said warrant was obtained, and police later charged Trudeau with contributing to the delinquency of a minor. Also, 12 people over the age of 18 were charged with possession of alcohol. Of those 12, five were also charged with resisting law enforcement after they were found hiding in the woods around the Trudeau home. One person who was younger than 18 tested positive for alcohol consumption and was turned over to parents. Trudeau's previous brushes with the law included driving while drunk and striking a cop.

If Mark Chmura taught us anything, it is not to party with underage girls. When the cops catch up to you, all you will be left with is the admiration of your friends for having nailed a tight little skank a gigantic legal bill.

Tank indulges himself

During his recent 60 day vacation in the slammer, Chicago Bears linesman Tank Johnson consumed $700 worth of junk food. Prison records show that he ordered 162 beef sticks, 40 honey bun sweet rolls, 35 summer sausages, 35 bags of chips, and a wide assortment of candy and baked goods.

Jesus. This reads like David Wells’ pre-diabetes grocery list. No wonder Tank all but asked the NFL commissioner to suspend him. Without a season to prepare for he’ll be able to devote himself entirely to the noble pursuit of twinkies.

Throwing Smoke Flashback - Maria Sharapova in SI

With summer fast approaching, what better way to help your mercury rise than with a half naked video of Maria Sharapova?' You may notice the new feature on our site, the weekly web-poll. Vote early, vote often!

Poet's Corner

An economist did a study,
And it is sad to say,
NBA refs are racist,
To David Stern's dismay.

The refs call more fouls,
Against the other races,
And it's turning the game,
Into a total disgrace.

This explains the scene,
With Crawford and the Spurs,
Asking Tim Duncan to fight,
Next time it's 'Sorry Sir'

The moral of the story,
Is prejudice is all around,
Even on the basketball court,
While blacks and whites rebound.

Wie chokes (again)

Michelle Wie withdrew from the Ginn Tribute on Thursday after shooting 14 over through 16 holes, aggravating a wrist injury that sidelined her since January. After Wie bogeyed the par-4 seventh, the 17-year-old star from Hawaii told an LPGA Tour official: "We're not going to play anymore." Wie wore bandages on her wrists during the round and said she withdrew because she "tweaked" the injury and not because of an LPGA Tour rule that bans non-tour members for the year if they shoot 88 or higher. Wie was two bogeys from that scenario when she stopped.

If Wie can't even compete with the women, she will never find success on the men's tour. She is turning into a joke. And by joke I mean her career is nose-diving faster than Payne Stewart did.

Romo dumps Underwood

Reports have surfaced that Dallas Cowboys QB Tony Romo has split from his country music's brightest star, Carrie Underwood. Romo reportedly told Underwood that he wants to bench their relationship during the football season, according to the National Enquirer. Football season begins in September and lasts until January. Romo asked Underwood to give him space for his career once before, and she did, but this time, the request has hit a sour note with her, says the source, who adds, “Carrie wants a firm commitment from Tony.”

Gotta give Romo credit, at least he didn't break up with Carrie A-Rod style. Sure Underwood is incredibly hot, but I'm not worried for Romo. When you are the Cowboy's starting QB you can hit any box you want at the drop of a hat. To put this into the perspective, when it comes to scoring sluts, being the starting QB in the Big D it is like loving the mary-jane and accidentally locking yourself in Nate Newton's trunk.

ARod prefers manly women

After being caught with a blonde in Toronto, reports say that his wife, Cynthia, brusquely left their East Side home last night with two suitcases, refusing to speak with reporters. Reports have surfaced that the Toronto woman also was spotted on A-Rod's arm two weeks ago at a glitzy Las Vegas nightclub, according to TMZ.com. Rodriguez stopped by the Tryst nightclub at the Wynn Las Vegas Resort with the blond after midnight on May 14, an off day while the Yankees were traveling from Seattle to Chicago.

"A-Rod is known as the king of the strip clubs," a source said. "He gives the girls his number to meet somewhere else later on." He also goes to a private social club in Chelsea that fronts as a poker club but also hosts wild, after-hours sex romps, a source said. In New York, A-Rod used to be a regular at the VIP Club, where he always asked for a dancer who performs under the stage name Monique. Monique is 5-feet-5 with brown hair and brown eyes and has a well-toned, muscular figure, a pal said.A petite stripper at the Hustler Club said A-Rod "likes the she-male, muscular type. They brought me up to the champagne room one time. I spun around once and that was it. I'm not his type."

The last week of A-Rod's life has taught us:
1. He is a dick.
2. Apparently, he is what he eats.

Pittsburgh coaches love porn

Pittsburgh Steelers offensive line coach Larry Zierlein apologized Thursday for accidentally e-mailing an explicit sex video to numerous NFL employees, including league commissioner Roger Goodell. The problem occurred two weeks ago when Zierlein -- a 61-year-old grandfather -- intended to forward the video clip, which was e-mailed to him by another Steelers employee. However, Zierlein accidentally e-mailed the video to numerous league personnel, causing staff members with other NFL teams to begin discussing the foul-up." It was 100 percent unintentional," Zierlein said. "I don't even know how to mass e-mail. I don't know these machines very good, it was just a 100 percent unintentional thing. Hit the wrong button. It's something I really regret for obvious reasons: for the organization, for my family, for the whole thing. It's been a tough deal, but it's like anything else. You learn from it and you move on." Zierlein did not explain why, when after he initially viewed the video he didn't delete it rather than attempting to e-mail to someone else.

As Zierlein is the offensive line coach, all he had to do was explain he was reviewing run-blocking schemes and the video was research on openning up holes.

A-Rod is still a bitch

After battling back in Wednesday's game against the Yankees, the Blue Jays found a new reason to hate Alex Rodriguez. The supposed superstar third baseman added another bush league play to his repertoire when he apparently shouted ''Mine'' on an infield fly as he rounded the bases in the ninth inning. Although he claims he only shouted ''Hah'' as he passed Howie Clark, who was camped under Jorge Posada's popper, the Blue Jays third baseman claimed he heard otherwise, assumed it was shortstop John McDonald and got out of the way. The misplay extended New York's lead to 8-5 and made the bottom of the ninth against Mariano Rivera irrelevant in what turned out to be a 10-5 victory over the Blue Jays. Had the ball been caught, the score would only have been 7-5.

''It's disappointing, that's not proper, that's not the right thing to do,'' said Jay's regular third baseman Troy Glaus. ''I've never seen it in 30 years, except in the movies.'' To which A-Rod rebutted ''All my guys in here think it's good,'' he added. ''I'm not that concerned because it happens to me three or four times a week.''

A-Rod plays dirty pool. This is probably worse than his famous “slap play” or the elbows he judiciously hands out to opponents. It’s time to call in a doctor to help cure douche-Rod of his recent spell of mental retardation. Only the prescription will be written by Doc Halladay. And the treatment will be a fastball to the nads.

Kobe wants out

Kobe Bryant asked to be traded from the Lakers on Wednesday, a day after calling the team's front office "a mess." He said there was nothing the Lakers could do to change his mind. "[The Lakers] obviously want to move in a different direction in terms of rebuilding," Bryant said, adding he could have opted to sign with the Los Angeles Clippers or Chicago Bulls instead. "Three years ago when I was re-signing they should have told me they wanted to rebuild." Asked if he had any preference for a trade destination, he said "At this point I'll go play on Pluto."

Later on Wednesday, Kobe backed off these trade demands; probably after they threatened to deal him to Denver. And I don’t blame him for not wanting to go back to Colorado. Sure the skiing is great but Kobe knows all too well how difficult it is to rape score with Colorado girls.

Stokke not stoked about attention

18 year old high-school athlete Allison Stokke is tired of the world-wide attention she is getting due to her looks. During her stellar high school track and field career, Stokke had won a 2004 California state pole vaulting title, broken five national records and earned a scholarship to the University of California, yet only track devotees had noticed. Then this month, pictures of her adjusting her hair at a track meet in New York had been plastered across the Internet and became an over night sensation. A three-minute video of Stokke standing against a wall and analyzing her performance at another meet is popular on YouTube, having been viewed over 300,000 times. "I just want to find some way to get this all under control," Stokke told her coach. It looks like she, unfortunately, has no interest in becoming the next Amy Acuff.

When you are young, beautiful and can handle a pole, of course men all over the world will be intrigued. In amateur athletics, being hot is the only way to get your sport exposed to the masses. And a call to Hef never hurts either.

Patriot goes swimming

This past weekend, Patriots defensive end Marquise Hill and a female friend had some fun water jet skiing without life vests. Things got out of control though after they ventured into a major shipping lane and fell off their skis and into some swirling currents. The woman survived by grabbing a buoy and holding onto it until she was rescued. The 24-year-old Hill, who friends described as a good swimmer, drifted away and disappeared until searchers pulled his body from the water on Monday afternoon, about 17 hours after the accident. "He was a hero until the end," his cousin told reporters later.

I am not sure how hero fits into this when he was on the water without a life jacket, and probably intoxicated. If this is what makes you a hero, then given the amount of time I spend downing six-packs while bass fishing, I should have a national holiday named after me.