Thorpedo powered by drugs

Five time Olympic gold medalist swimmer, Ian Thorpe was called in for questioning after a French newspaper ‘L'Equipe’ reported that a random drug test taken before his retirement in 2006 had shown unusually high levels of naturally occurring hormones. The news has sent shock waves across Australia. Thorpe has long been an outspoken critic of FINA's drug testing methods, saying the sport's governing body isn't tough enough on cheating. Thorpe has since denied these allegations like most cheaters have.

Nothing says I am an idiot then publicly stating how you are totally against drugs and then ripping off a positive test right before your retirement. When you have accomplished everything in your career, why risk it at that point? This is so stupid even Vladimir Konstantinov would call you retarded.

Poet's Corner - Haiku

It’s the final four;

College ball at its finest!

Future gas jockeys.

Artest talks retirement

Even when Ron Artest is busy taking off games to appear in court, he still finds the time to create controversy for his club. Word is spreading that Artest has been text messaging some of his Sacramento Kings teammates saying that he wants to retire at season’s end to spend more time with his family—and no doubt work on another rap album.

Good for you Ron. You’re finally getting your priorities straight. You can use that extra quality time to visit the pet store. And to smack your wife around more often. And if she doesn’t like the new album, try taking it out on the kids. It’ll make you feel better, and show her who's boss.

Richardson is racist

Micheal Ray Richardson current coach of the CBA’s Albany Patroons, has been suspended for the rest of the CBA championship series for comments made to the Albany Times Union on Tuesday. Richards is a former NBA all star and coke addict.

Richardson had this to say when discussing the contract general manager Jim Coyne had offered him Monday to coach his team in the CBA and USBL:

"I've got big-time lawyers, I've got big-time Jew lawyers."

When told by reporters that the comment could be offensive to people because it plays to the stereotype that Jews are crafty and shrewd, he responded with:

"Are you kidding me? They are. They've got the best security system in the world. Have you ever been to an airport in Tel Aviv? They're real crafty. Listen, they are hated all over the world, so they've got to be crafty. They got a lot of power in this world, you know what I mean? Which I think is great. I don't think there's nothing wrong with it. If you look in most professional sports, they're run by Jewish people. If you look at a lot of most successful corporations and stuff, more businesses, they're run by Jewish. It's not a knock, but they are some crafty people."

Shhhh…do you hear that? It's Marge Schott giving Richardson a standing ovation from the great beyond.

Urbina going to jail

Former Major League closer Ugueth Urbina has been sentenced to 14 years in prison for the attempted murder of five workers on his family's ranch. Urbina was also found guilty of illegal deprivation of liberty and violating a prohibition against taking justice into his own hands during a dispute over a gun. He was accused of joining a group of men in attacking and injuring workers with machetes and pouring gasoline on them at his family's ranch, located about 25 miles south of Caracas, Venezuela. Urbina repeatedly has denied involvement with the violence, saying he was sleeping at the time of the attack.

Much like his pitching days Urbina wasn’t able to come in and close the game out. If John Rocker caught some gas-soaked Mexicans messing around on his plantation, he would be out there with a blow torch ready to send them to Jupiter. But that’s what makes a great closer.

Another NFL free agent busted

Free-agent NFL defensive back Dexter Reid was arrested on gun and drug charges Sunday after being pulled over on suspicion of drunken driving In Virginia. When cops searched his car they found a handgun (total surprise) and some marijuana (didn’t see that one coming).

What’s up with all of these NFL free agents getting busted this off-season? In the real world when you’re unemployed and looking for work you usually try to avoid getting arrested by the cops. But fortunately the NFL isn’t the real world. Having your mug shot splashed across the front page of the sports section is the first step to landing a tryout contract with the Bengals.

Equine injections

A remote-controlled mechanism with a dozen launching tubes was found buried in the turf at Hong Kong's most famous thoroughbred racetrack last week; it was rigged with compressed air to fire tiny, liquid-filled darts into the bellies of horses at the starting gate. No horses were injured because the supervisor at the Happy Valley Racecourse, where horses have been racing since 1846, noticed something on the turf before racing started last Wednesday. He discovered the mechanism concealed by grass-coloured tape and called in a police bomb squad to remove it. Police officials refused to discuss the device found at Happy Valley, except to say that it was under investigation. One popular theory is that gamblers installed it in an attempt to fix the outcome of races.

Imagine how much money Pete Rose would make betting if he were the manager of the Reds today. He could have a machine like this buried behind home plate to inject HGH into his players. And I don’t think the players would mind. At least the small prick they feel in their ass won’t be coming from Kazuhito Tadano’s unwanted advances.

Henry loves crime

Cincinnati Bengals receiver Chris Henry, already facing possible NFL punishment for problems with the law, has been cited on three traffic charges including driving with a suspended license. Henry also was ticketed for an alleged improper turn and seat belt violation. His vehicle was impounded after he was stopped March 21, and he paid $100 to retrieve it Monday, court records show. Henry, suspended for two games by the NFL last season, could face more punishment after settling the last of his earlier four court cases by serving two days in Kenton County (Ky.) jail in January. That was for letting minors drink in a hotel room he had rented. Henry has had four arrests in 14 months, including marijuana possession, a weapon charge, and a drunken-driving count that resulted in a guilty plea to reckless operation of a vehicle.

To be arrested so many times in the last 14 months, Henry obviously doesn’t understand the concept of law and order. Or maybe he’s just tired of the daily grind of football and is looking for an honourable way to exit the profession. Given the choice between getting crunched by linebackers or wasting away your youth drinking Colt 45 and smoking blunts, the choice is clear. It’s the American ghetto dream, yo.

Giants linebacker disappoints

New York Giants linebacker Brandon Short escaped harm during a shootout last week in New York City, where police brought down a gunman, but not before he shot and killed two auxiliary police officers.

Short told the New York Daily News he was out on the street when gunfire erupted. Short ran off the street into a jewelry store and dropped to the floor when the shooting between police and the gunman began. "I was fearful for my life," he told the newspaper. "There were bullets flying everywhere."

What gives yo? Did Brandon Short grow up with George Papadopoulos? Cause it be pretty clear that he don’t come from the ghetto. I mean how many NFL linebackers walk around New York City without packing heat? Short should have been spraying his gat into the street when the first shot rang out. But dude runs to hide and because of his cowardice two officers end up dead. None of this would have happened if my man Tank Johnson were around. When he gets outta jail they need to hand him a badge and send him out to clean up the mean streets of New York—Shaq style. Only to do it Shaq style he’ll need a magic lamp and some blow-up dolls. Kazaaaam!

Arenas makes wagers

Gilbert Arenas was admonished by the NBA for making bets with fans during the Washington Wizards' loss at Portland on Wednesday. Arenas made the bets as he bantered with fans throughout the Wizards' 100-98 loss. He was booed during pregame introductions and whenever he touched the ball because he had promised to score 50 points against the Trail Blazers. After the game, Arenas said he bet a fan $10 that he would make the winning basket. He missed badly -- throwing up a shot that fell short of the rim -- and finished with only 19 points. Arenas later elaborated on his nba.com blog, saying that he made $10 bets with two fans during the game and had obtained their e-mail addresses so that he could pay them off. The NBA since has removed the references to the bets from the blog.

For a guard considered a poor man's Jordan, a $10 wager sounds about right. We all know the real MJ would have had 6-figures riding on the final shot. The NBA should consider itself lucky that it was Arenas and not Allen Iverson wagering with fans. When AI drained the shot at the buzzer and the fan didn't pay up, you may as well just file a missing person's report with the FBI.

Brady not a father

Contrary to what was earlier reported, Us Weekly Magazine reported that Giselle Bundchen's has finally spoken out, denying reports that she's pregnant with boyfriend Tom Brady's child. "It's crazy how people can make up these stories," the Victoria's Secret model complained on the Spanish TV show Corazon de Primavera. "I'm not pregnant and I'm not planning to be pregnant anytime soon. I have so many contracts to do, so many projects." Bundchen added that she feels she's too young to have a child. "It's just something I don't want now - it's something for the future," she said. "I'm 26 years old, for Christ's sake! Why would I have a baby now?"

Well, there are a few lessons we can all learn as a society from this:
1. Don't belive everything you read;
2. Tom Brady is as good with a coathanger as he is with a football.

Crickets can kill

Pakistan's cricket coach Bob Woolmer, 58, was found unconscious in his blood- and vomit-splattered hotel room in Jamaica on Sunday, a day after his team's upset loss to Ireland on St. Patrick's Day sealed Pakistan's elimination from the cricket World Cup. He was later declared dead at a hospital. On Thursday, Police commissioner Lucius Thomas said in a statement that the pathologist report found Bob Woolmer's death was due to "asphyxia as a result of manual strangulation."

Murder aside, you can't help but laugh at the irony here. Afterall, the coach was found choked after his team did the same. The only thing more ironic would be to see that flamer John Amaechi sponteneously combust at a book signing.

Manning is a role model

Peyton Manning hosted Saturday Night Live this past weekend. Knowing how hard it is to make the NFL, it was great to see Manning prividing some guidance to young children and showing them what it takes to play pro football. And by what it takes to play football, I mean get a rap sheet early so the Bengals invite you to their combine.

Poet's Corner

The NBA has its gangsters,
The NHL breeds their goons,
The NFL likes their criminals,
Baseball should choose soon.

Sure they have some drunks,
and some guys beat their wives,
While others pay for blow jobs,
An identidy the league should strive.

Any pub is good pub,
That is what they tell,
Time to solve this problem,
Where is Joey Albert Belle!

La Russa is a drunk

St. Louis Cardinals manager Tony La Russa was arrested early Thursday and charged with misdemeanor DUI after he was found asleep at the wheel in his running SUV at a green light. La Russa's SUV was stopped at a light that, according to police, went through two cycles of green. A driver behind La Russa had to go around his vehicle, police said. Police found La Russa slumped over in the driver's seat of the running SUV. The manager of the world champion Cardinals had his foot on the brake and did not respond to knocks on the window, police said. He finally woke up and parked the car.

The higher powers work in mysterious ways. A day after legendary boozer David Wells says he will give up drinking, La Russa is arrested for driving tanked. But if the drinking equilibrium is to be maintained in MLB, more drunken stupidness needs to be on the menu. What next? Will the cops find Mike Piazza passed out in the back seat of an SUV wearing a pre-op tranny?

Stevens likes jail

Jerramy Stevens added to his long list of driving arrests when the former Seattle Seahawks tight end was arrested last week for driving under the influence and possession of marijuana. Stevens was taken into police custody after he admitted to drinking "four or five margaritas" at a bar in Scotsdale, Arizona. Stevens’ rap sheet includes arrests for second and fourth degree assault, jail time for marijuana possession, sexual assault, various hit and runs, and driving with open champagne bottles in his vehicle. Can you blame someone for wanting to knee this punk in the nads?

Look on the bright side; Stevens’ is trying to clean up his act. He’s owed some props, because at least this time he didn’t crash into the house of a 93 year old woman. If Stevens were smart, he better not sign with the Broncos. Those winding mountain roads are a bitch when you are double the legal limit.

Porter hates Bengals

Pacman’s been garnering most of the attention so far this NFL off-season, so it was good to see an old favourite back at it this week. Former Steelers bad-ass Joey Porter, who recently signed a deal to play with Miami next season, was charged with assault in Las Vegas over the weekend. Apparently he confronted Bengals lineman Levi Jones, who was playing blackjack inside a casino, and the two exchanged trash talk. The confrontation escalated when the two men went outside and began to brawl.

Witnesses describe the brawl as “something out of Rocky”: “They must have each gotten in a good three or four swings. Then all of a sudden, the bigger guy who I found out later was Levi Jones, picked up Joey Porter and tossed him probably 10 feet like he was a rag doll.”

People tried to break up the fight but "Joey Porter broke free and ran full sprint at Levi Jones and dove through the air at him like he was trying to tackle Ladanian Tomlinson. Took him down with a tackle, then the two of them got up. They were throwing fists again.” Apparently Porter later kicked Jones in the head, causing some bleeding.

None of this is surprising. What else was going to happen if you put Joey Porter in the same room with some thug from the Cincinnati Bengals? Levi Jones is going to be humiliated when he shows up for training camp this summer. Not only was he the only Bengal not arrested last year, but he got the shit kicked out of him by a guy who actually signed up to wear teal next season. Jones is lucky though. At least Porter didn’t have his pit bulls with him. The end result is that it looks like Kellon Winslow isn’t the only fag in the AFC North.

Don King likes the Pope

Don King, wearing a blue suit with his preferred high hair style primly flattened for the papal event, gave the Pope a green-and-gold boxing belt and a handwritten letter asking for prayers for people ranging from US President George Bush to the world's sick and aged. "I was thrilled to be there. It was a deep spiritual experience," King told The Associated Press after the two-hour open air audience in St Peter's Square.

Considering King himself is a convicted murderer, hopefully he was smart enough to put his name on the list and slip the pope a hundy. Afterall, killing people and bilking uneducated minorities out of millions of dollars isn’t much different from what the plantation owners did 200 years ago. The only difference is that the southern slaves had the wherewithal to head to Canada. While most of King’s slaves remain in the US looking for beauty pageant contestants to rape.

Tank-you for the jail time

Chicago Bears defensive lineman Tank Johnson was sentenced last week to four months in jail for violating probation in a 2005 gun case. Johnson was arrested on misdemeanor weapons charges Dec. 14 after police raided his home in the Lake County town of Gurnee, about 40 miles northwest of Chicago, and found six unregistered firearms. Before he was sentenced Johnson pleaded with Cook County Circuit Judge John Moran for leniency. "Your honor, I don't believe I'm a man who belongs in jail," he said.

Tank is 100% correct. Prison isn’t meant for parole violators who hoard weapons like they belong to the Michigan Militia. Afterall, packing heat is his constitutional right. Taking away a brother’s gat is like castrating Ron Mexico. A brother ain’t a brother if he doesn’t have a potent 8 inches in his pocket, ready to kill.

Kerney sleeps well

Atlanta police are investigating a rape that occurred at the home NFL defensive end Patrick Kerney. A woman who was staying at his home invited three men back to Kerney’s house for drinks. The woman is claiming to have fallen asleep on a sofa and later woke up in a bedroom to find one of the men raping her. Kerney claims he was home during the assault but that it happened while he was asleep.

It can’t be easy to get a good night’s sleep when someone’s being raped in the adjacent room. It’s more likely that Kerney woke up and thought that he left his bukkake video in the DVD player. Or that or he was too busy enjoying himself while peeping through the hole in the wall. But either way, my guess is that it’s the last time he’ll go out partying with the Utah Jazz.

Tonya Harding loses it

Clark County sheriff's deputies responded to two calls last Sunday involving Tonya Harding, who was described in police reports as "very agitated" and "tweaking out." S gt. Tim Bieber told The Oregonian that police received the first call at 4:56 a.m. According to a police report of the incident, Harding said four men and a woman tried to break into her car and steal it and were trying to stash rifles on the side of her property. Later the same morning, about 9 a.m., police received another call regarding Harding, this time from a friend who told authorities the skater was "tweaking out, seeing animals." Tanya told police she was on "new medication" and was experiencing an adverse reaction. In his report, the deputy wrote that Harding's account was a "very implausible story." He described her as "very agitated" and "glancing everywhere." He noted that the former star skater was "frustrated others can't see the people she sees."

Harding's rap sheet is as impressive as Pacman Jones'. Already on her resume was clubbing Nancy Kerrigan, making drunk homemade porn, driving a pick-up into ditch then serving 10 days for failing a field sobriety test, and tossing a hubcap at her yokel boyfriend. If these two were to ever mate, we would see the birth of uber-psycho 'Mulatto-man', who has the ability to hold up a liquor store while performing a triple axel.

Wells to give up boozing

After a lifetime of boozing and fast food, Padres pitcher David Wells announced yesterday that he has recently been diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes. "Obviously, this is a concern," the left-hander told a San Diego newspaper. "But it's beatable. And I'm going to beat it. It's going to take some lifestyle changes. And I'm already making them. From the time I found out, I made changes. No more starches and sugar. No more rice, pasta, potatoes and white bread. No more fast food. I've cut out alcohol."

I almost spit out my coffee from laughing so hard when I read this. On the scale of most ironic things to ever happen to an athlete this ranks right up there with Greg Louganis announcing he’s HIV positive. I’m pretty sure that Wells’ disease is the result of his food orgy in Africa last November. The only thing funnier would have been if he had caught AIDS after devouring a wild chimpanzee.

Chacin likes to drink

Toronto Blue Jays left-hander Gustavo Chacin was arrested and charged early Friday morning in Tampa, Fla., on a misdemeanor count of driving under the influence. Chacin was stopped by Tampa Police at 3:43 a.m., booked, then released on a $500 bond later in the morning. Police reports said his blood alcohol content measured .150 at the time of his arrest, almost twice the legal limit of .08.

This is the same Gustavo Chacin who had his own fragrance created last year, with ads that ask 'Are you a Chacin man?' To coincide with his arrest this year, it is expected that the scent of the cologne will be reworked to include Hennessy, rosin, and donkey.

Tootoo is loco

Jordin Tootoo of the Nashville Predators will likely face disciplinary action after cold-cocking Stephane Robidas in the chops during Saturday night's NHL game versus the Dallas Stars. Robidas was looking to make a clean hit on Tootoo after he ran Stars legend, Mike Modano hard into the boards.

In Tootoo’s defense, when your mind is pre-occupied with global warming now melting your summer home, it is difficult to tell the difference between a charging defenseman and a charging harp seal. The natural reaction is to start clubbing.

Strahan gets scolded

Michael Strahan was dragged into court last week by his ex-wife, who is still waiting to see the other half of her divorce settlement. Strahan went ballistic last January when a judge ordered him to give her 70% of his net worth. The judge said Strahan acted in "bad faith" by not paying all of the money.

Strahan’s going about this all wrong. If the Juice taught us anything it’s that you’re supposed to hide your fortune in off-shore accounts to avoid having to pay up. And to hack up your ex. I’m not suggesting that Strahan OJ his wife, but at least he wouldn’t have to suffer through the humiliation of having his father-in-law bust up his Heisman.

Maryland is done

#5 seed Butler ousted #4 Maryland in the NCAA March Madness tournament on Saturday afternoon. The Bulldogs held off the Terrapins for a 62-59 win to advance to the sweet 16. A.J. Graves in particular outplayed Maryland star swingman, D.J. Strawberry, who failed to score a point in the first half and finished with eight.

Every sports fan has to be concerned about DJ Strawberry after this hard loss. Afterall, being Darryl Strawberry's son means he’s genetically predisposed to not handling defeat. For his sake, we hope he doesn't try and use his father's coping mechanism to dull the pain of this loss. And by coping mechanism we mean snorting an 8-ball out of a hooker’s cleavage until you can't remember your own name.

Poet's Corner - Haiku

Rose bet on his team.

Never will be in the Hall.

Ruined his careers.

Scot Pollard encourages kids

Cleveland Cavaliers center Scot Pollard was forced to apologize after looking into a television camera during a game last Sunday and saying “Hey kids, do drugs.”

"It was a bad joke… obviously, I don't believe that." Pollard said yesterday. Apparently the Cavaliers didn’t find it funny because they are considering some sort of disciplinary action.

I guess I can believe that Pollard didn’t have any bad intentions and he’ll probably get off lightly. The league’s lucky they that this wasn’t Damon Stoudamire though. Cause if it had been he would have given a soliloquy about the virtues of smoking dope including a few tips he’s learned along the way. Like not to trust your friends when they invite you to a hotel room full of dope and that airport metal detectors easily sense tinfoil.

Marbury is cheap

$17 Million man Stephon Marbury of the New York Knicks, is trying to give back to the ghetto by endorsing and pimping out $15 sneakers. "I just wanted to do something different to make a difference," said Marbury. Marbury wants to use his fame to make a low-priced basketball shoe popular and reduce the pressure to buy the $100 to $200 Nikes, Reeboks and others. He says his shoe, the Starbury – sold exclusively by American retailer Steve & Barry's – is as well made as the expensive ones. To prove it, he wears them in all his basketball games.

Marbury has good intentions, but in the ghetto, it is about street cred, nothing else. It is great that welfare kids can now afford NBA sneaks, but even if these shoes are cool, you don’t get a rep by struttin' around town with pimpin’ shoes. You earn it by knifing the kid who is wearing them, whether they cost $15 or $200. Moral of the story is, if Marbury is making $17 mill large a year, and can only afford to wear $15 sneakers, the logical explanation is he is snorting the balance of his paycheque, yo.

David Wells kills, then eats wild animals

David Wells returned from his month long African hunting trip and basically treated the entire continent as an all you can eat buffet. "Ostrich was phenomenal. Warthog was outstanding. A little different taste, but it's really good," the Padres' pitcher said recently while recounting his November trip. "Hartebeest, wildebeest, gazelle, all that stuff. Very, very tasty."

Boomer showed no sympathy in devouring a dik-dik (a furry antelope-like creature) saying, "that was probably one of the best-eating things I had. Cute little suckers, too. It's just the zebra you don't want to eat. We shot them for bait. For lions.”

If Boomer can find a way satisfy his thirst for red meat, I don’t understand how there are millions of people starving over there. When Wells finally gives up baseball he should start up a show on the Discovery Channel and call it “Boomer’s Really Wild Kingdom”. Only instead of trying to save the planet, he’ll make his way around the African horn in a dune buggy mounted with a Gatling gun and teach the locals how to hunt. And at night he’ll show them how to party ‘Boomer-style’: lots of broads, lots of booze, and ‘tasty’ endangered animals on the BBQ.