Denver players die

Broncos 2nd year running back Damien Nash collapsed and died after a charity basketball game in suburban St. Louis on Saturday. The cause of death wasn't immediately determined, but its always sad to see a brother go down before he had his chance to shine. And by shine I mean blowing half of your contract pimping your ride and making it rain on strippers.

This is the second mysterious death involving a Denver athlete since Allen Iverson rolled into town. It's no coincidence that we haven't heard anything ghetto coming out of Philly lately. Death seems to follow Iverson around wherever he goes. He’s the evil superhero Dr. Death, and he terrorizes NBA cities along with the rest of his Fantastic Ghetto Four:

Ebony Plastic Man (aka Latrell Sprewell) – Mild mannered, but piss him off and his arms grow to incredible length and choke everyone in sight

The Purple Helmet (aka Shawn Kemp) – Capable of knocking up broads with a simple glance

Black Magic (aka Irving Johnson) – Mysterious HIV power repels people wherever he goes

Shaun Livingston career ends on a dunk

This is one of the most brutal sports videos you will ever see. Viewer discretion is strongly advised. Livingston is now in the same class as Barbaro and Theisman. The only sports video that could be worse is seeing two sumo wrestler's diapers come off and then 'accidentally' falling on top of each other.

Rulon cheats death again

Rulon Gardner is one lucky bastard. You may remember he defeated Alexander Karelin of Russia in the 2000 Summer Olympics wrestling final. Karelin had been undefeated for thirteen years, and had not given up a point in six years, prior to his loss in the gold medal match to Gardner. Also on his resume, in 2002, Gardner was stranded on a wilderness snowmobile trip and had to have a toe amputated after Frostbite. In 2004, Gardner was hit by a car while riding his motorcycle.

This past weekend, Gardner and two others crashed a small aircraft into Lake Powell. After somehow surviving impact, he swam in 44 degree water for over an hour. Rulon survived overnight with two others without shelter or fire in 28 degree air temperature. His amazing streak of luck continued when a fisherman, out of his usual route, found and picked them up in the morning.

With all of his luck, I fully expect to read tomorrow that he won a $100 powerball lottery, while receiving a blow job from Jessica Biel after curing AIDS and global warming. Either that, or he will be found dead hunched over his shitter.

Duke lacrosse team back at what they do second best

On Saturday, after losing last season and seeing three players indicted for rape the Duke Blue Devils lacrosse team beat Dartmouth 17-11 in front of a big crowd cheering their every move. "It was one of those times in athletics that you only get a couple of," the junior said. "I was trying to talk to the younger guys and say, 'Take this in. This is amazing."

Before the game, the Blue Devils wore black warmup jerseys bearing either No. 6, 13 or 45 -- the numbers of charged players David Evans, Collin Finnerty and Reade Seligmann. Rape charges were dropped against the three in December. They are still charged with sexually assaulting and kidnapping a stripper, who told police she was raped by three men in a bathroom during a team party last March. Fans wore buttons with slogans like "Innocent until proven innocent" and "Fantastic lies" -- which is what Evans called the accusations the day he was indicted.

Everyone does something stupid in University, but normally not as stupid as supporting accused felons. Waking up hung over beside a 300 pound chick isn't ideal, but life goes on; showing support for accused women abusers will come back to haunt you. If these are the types of people you want to support, you may as well take it up a notch and have Paul Bernardo day.

Poet's Corner

Dump dump,
16 up 5 down,
Empty your chamber
Throughout ghetto town

They ain’t gettin’ away,
With air in da chest,
Stephen Jackson be here,
Where is Ronnie Artest?

Dump dump,
0 up, 21 dead
Our job be done,
Chests full of lead.

NHL goes old school

Some have said the NHL has gone soft in the post lock-out era. Thursday night in Buffalo, the Sabres and the Ottawa Senators had a good ole fashion donnybrook. Highlights include the Sens Goalie Ray Emery fighting Sabres goon, Andrew Peters. All the while, Emery has a smile on his face enjoy the ordeal. I am not saying the Sens do not have heart, but when you let your starting goalie throw them down with an NHL heavyweight, you may as well get ‘pussy’ tattooed to your forehead.

Pacman goes nuts (again)

So it turns out I was bang on when I wondered aloud how Pacman Jones wasn’t involved in that triple shooting last weekend. New details have emerged which implicate Jones and really, even if I tried, I couldn’t have invented a better story.

The strip club melee, which led to the eventual shooting of three people, broke out when Jones began throwing $80,000 of cash into the air around the strippers (in the hood this practice is referred to as 'making it rain'). “The dancers are supposed to dance, but not pick up money,” club boss Robert Susnar said. "But some of the girls apparently didn't know that, and when one girl tried to pick up the money without Pacman giving her permission Jones went crazy, grabbed her hair and slammed her head against the stage."

When a security guard grabbed Jones to stop the assault, the player's entourage jumped in. A woman with Jones hit a guard over the head with a champagne bottle while Jones and his private security team attacked the others. Witnesses even claim that Pacman made like his namesake and chomped down on the ankle of one the bouncers during the brawl.

When things calmed down Jones went looking for the stripper he was attacking before. At that point security staff grabbed Jones again and witnesses report that Pacman said, “I’m going to kill you”, to a bouncer who was later shot in the parking lot.

“He was out of his mind,” Susnar said witnesses told him about Jones. “When we get him outside of the club, the guy that was sitting directly next to Pacman the entire time returns with a handgun from his car and shoots (the security guards) in the chest,” Susnar continued. “Maybe this is just some bizarre coincidence, that some unknown gunman would come back 10-20 minutes after we kicked Pacman out of the club and shoots my guys after (Jones' threats), but I am going to think not. The guy goes out, retrieves a gun, then shoots two security guards, pretty much making good on the threat made by Pacman Jones."

Pacman knows what he loves, and he LOVES assaulting women. This shit comes close to Rae Carruth territory. It's like a “best-of” episode of the worst things NFL players have ever done. And what the hell is Pacman doing carrying around $80,000 in cash? I’m hoping that a video surfaces showing that this whole thing was a Siegfried and Roy illusion and that in reality my man Pacman was just taking the cash down to the local food bank.

Hockey brings out the full moon

Mickey Meyer, a University of Southern California hockey goalie, rode his stick like a horse, dropped his bulky pants, and mooned the crowd while slapping his buttocks during a game against Brigham Young University, police said. Meyer's antics occurred while play was stopped and referees were trying to sort out penalties in the third period of a consolation game in the ACHA West Regional tournament at Eccles Ice Center. He was ejected and ticketed for lewdness, a misdemeanor, after an officer who was working security at the rink said he witnessed the scene Saturday. "I had my fill of these refs," Meyer said on an Internet broadcast of the game, according to The Herald-Journal of Logan.

It is no wonder that hockey isn’t on the sports radar in the US. Mooning the crowd and slapping your ass doesn’t exactly show the world what a bad-ass sport you have, considering other professional leagues employ rapists and gang bangers on their rosters. The only way to fix the exposure problem is for NHL commissioner Gary Bettman to drop his corned-beef on rye and place a call to Sidney Crosby to meet with him in New York. But instead of the the commissioner being there, the room will be filled with heroin, and some 16 year old girls with fake i.d.’s. In the morning when Sid wakes up to the sound of the cops busting down the door, this will truly give him something to whine about. But as they say, any publicity is good publicity, yo.

NFL players go to jail

Now that the NFL season is finally over, sentencing has begun for all of the ballers convicted during the course of the season. Cincinnati Bengals linebacker Odell Thurman was handed a 90-day sentence yesterday after pleading guilty to drunk driving stemming from an incident last September. And earlier this week Green Bay Packers wide receiver Koren Robinson was informed that he must report to prison immediately to serve 3 months in jail after leading officers on a high-speed chase during training camp.

Good riddance to Thurman, but I kind of feel sorry for KoRo. Is he really at fault? Back in the hood fleeing the cops is an involuntary reflex like breathing. Or knocking up hoes.

After all of the trouble KoRo and Thurman have gotten into during the past few seasons they will both need an impressive showing in training camp to earn a roster spot. Unfortunately they’re going to find it hard to get into game shape while constantly worrying about bending over. They will need some sage advice to get through this, and Jamal Lewis is the man to help. I’m pretty sure Lewis never got around to completing his 50,000 hours of community service after he was busted for dealing coke so this is the perfect opportunity for him to give back to society. Lewis is the black Mother Theresa. Only instead of helping impoverished children he will facilitate the prison drug trade. Dy-no-mite!

The Duke is back in the ring

The former Great White Hope, Tommy "The Duke" Morrison has been cleared to box again, more than a decade after he was indefinitely suspended following a positive HIV test on the eve of a 1996 fight in Las Vegas. Morrison was licensed Tuesday by the West Virginia Athletic Commission and will face John Castle of Indianapolis in a four-round bout Thursday night. "It's been a long time coming," Morrison told ESPN.com on Tuesday. "I know I didn't have [HIV] in the first place. I never had it. I believe it, but they kicked me out of the sport. ... Over the last two or three months, I have taken five, six different [HIV] tests and continued to pass them. It was just a matter of time before they had to let me fight again."

Castle is a brave stupid man to get into the ring with Morrison. HIV tests are as foolproof as a Don King contract. Viruses don’t just disappear like Riddick Bowe. Boxing Morrison is like using a springboard after Greg Louganis cracks his scull open on it. If you are going take that risk, you may as well have unprotected sex with the guy. At least that way you might get some enjoyment out of it.

NBA All-star weekend anticlimactic

Despite Vegas strip clubs being overloaded with professional athletes, pimps, and hangers-on nothing much happened during the much hyped NBA all-star game festivities in Sin City last weekend. We saw LeBron James and Dwight Howard in a dance competition, Charles Barkley in a foot race with old men, and Shaq playing pranks on everyone. Things couldn’t have been gayer unless the Prince of Pride John Amaechi showed up on the red carpet to make out with his Malinka.

So I was happy to find out yesterday that our good friend Pacman Jones showed up for the NBA weekend and wasn’t too far from the action. And by action I mean his seats for the all-star game were located in perv’s row at Minxx Gentleman’s Club farther down the strip. Upon exiting the club later that night Jones witnessed a parking lot shootout that resulted in three injured people. Police are saying that Pacman wasn’t involved but isn’t it funny how this guy is never too far away when the shit goes down? I’m entirely expecting that they find out later that Pacman was the dude screaming “Dump! Dump!” which caused Stephen Jackson to fire his gun indiscriminately into the air outside of that Indianapolis peeler bar.

Dogs aren't everyone's best friend

Defensive lineman Jonathan Babineaux of the Atlanta Falcons is out of jail on a $2,300 bond after being charged with animal cruelty. A necropsy completed Tuesday determined that his dog died of blunt force injuries to the head. Police also said that Babineaux is somehow involved in his pet's death.

On the street cred scale, killing a dog ranks up there with shoplifting a Snickers from the 7-11 and running a stop sign. But in reality it shows that Babineaux is not a true brother worthy of ghetto status; when the rap songs refer to smack your bitch up, they ain’t referring to beating your poodle to death.

Rhodes likes booze

On Tuesday Morning, Indiana State police arrested Colts running back Dominic Rhodes for drunken driving. Rhodes was pulled over around 3 a.m. driving a GMC truck at 81 mph in a 55-mph zone, an Indianapolis police spokesman said. "It was a normal, run-of-the-mill drunk driving arrest," Bursten said. Rhodes was cooperative with the state troopers who arrested him, police said. Rhodes has been in trouble with the law before. Following a 2002 domestic disturbance at his home, Rhodes pleaded innocent in Marion Superior Court to misdemeanor charges of battery and domestic battery. Latrina Moore, who lived with Rhodes at the time and is the mother of a child with Rhodes, said Rhodes hit her and shoved her to the floor after she confronted him about other women calling their home, prosecutors said at the time.

Nowadays it seems that you aren’t initiated as a true NFL baller until you have a substance abuse charge or a domestic abuse claim under your belt. It is like on the first day of rookie camp, in addition to getting their locker and team playbook, the new blood are forced to watch a video of Mark Gastineau introducing them to the rigors of pro sports. The video would include specific instructions to drive down to the liquor store and purchase a bottle of hooch; then head on home to rough up your baby's momma. Super bowl rings aside, it seems only then will you be admitted to the football fraternity.

Kidd's wife fights back

A month after Jason Kidd filed for divorce from his wife citing she abused him, Joumana Kidd is fighting back. In responding to divorce papers Jason Kidd filed last month, Joumana Kidd said she was the victim of "recurring physical abuse and serial infidelity."

She said he has admitted to affairs with numerous women "including strippers in Arizona, Sacramento, Miami, Dallas and Indiana," as well as a Nets season-ticket holder, a Nets employee, a cheerleader in New Orleans, and women named "Petra" and "Lisa."

As part of his repeated efforts to apologize, Jason Kidd bought his wife a $585,000 (all figures U.S.) pink diamond ring in March, 2004 and a $555,000 diamond pendant in June, 2004.
Joumana Kidd also claimed that her husband "often drinks and gambles to excess when out with friends and teammates."

When you read through the laundry list of accusations made by Joumana it is pretty much par for the course when you wed a pro-athlete. But I can see why Joumana is pissed off. Kobe gave his wife $4,000,000 worth of bling after he messed around with that Colorado teenager, and all Joumana got was a $500,000 piece of junk and a free set of cans. It’s enough to make you feel like a cheap whore.

Pacers keep up the good work

An Indianapolis Metro Police report says that earlier this month Indiana Pacer players Jamaal Tinsley, Marquis Daniels and Keith McLeod were involved in a brawl at the 8 Seconds Saloon in downtown Indy. The fight happened about 2:15 a.m., keeping intact the Pacers’ image as the late-night bad ass gangstaz of the NBA. You may recall that Tinsley was with ex-Pacer Stephen Jackson in October, when shots were fired during an early-morning fight at an Indianapolis strip club that saw Jackson charged with criminal recklessness. I guess none of this is surprising anymore, considering this is the same organization that made fan brawler Ron Artest the man he is today.

Hood gangsterism is a virus sweeping through the professional sporting ranks. To prevent the clubhouse from going “Bengal” managers need to recognize the problem and treat the infection early. Symptoms include absurd contract demands, a propensity to poke strippers, and an obsession with developing street cred. The only known treatment is to assemble a kilo of coke and a cast of dingy hookers and lock everyone in a room with newly hired consultant Doc Gooden. Anyone who comes out alive is cured.

Brady knocks up women

So it looks like golden-boy Tom Brady is a big dirtbag after all. As first reported by the New York Post, Brady and former girlfriend Bridget Moynahan are expecting a child in 6 months. Brady is currently rumoured to be dating supermodel Gisele Bundchen.

I really don’t understand why it’s so common to see pro athletes accidentally knocking up broads. With all the money these guys are making you’d figure they’d have their cocks wrapped in five domes in order to avoid the 18 years of child support payments. Guys like Matt Leinart and Brady should be especially careful. As a QB their entire job is to break through defenses. So it reasons that this would be engrained into their DNA. I bet Brady’s sperm stiff-armed Moynahan’s diaphragm while making a run to track down the egg for 6 points. Hopefully Brady doesn't try to resolve the situation by pretending he’s a punter and Moynahan's stomach is the football.

Martin screwed in Daytona

In the closest finish in Daytona history, Kevin Harvick edged Mark Martin Sunday to take home NASCAR’s biggest prize, but not without some controversy. On the final lap of the Daytona 500 NASCAR officials didn’t throw out a yellow flag following a wreck behind the leaders which might have given Martin the win. When asked about it Martin stated "Nobody wants to hear a grown man cry, all right? And I'm not going to cry about it. Their decision, they made it, and that's what we're going to live with."

Martin is 100% correct. The only time a good ole’ boy should be crying is when he spills his last can of Bud or a cyclone blows his trailer into the next state.

Barkley beats old men

67 year old NBA referee Dick Bavetta lost in a race to the round mound of rebound, Charles Barkley Saturday at the NBA All-star festivities. Barkley back-pedalled across the half-court and stumbled to the ground in outrunning Bavetta over 3 1/2 lengths of the court. Barkley, nicknamed "Black Rhino" by his trainer and former Olympic sprinter John Carlos, thanked Bavetta for the chance to raise $50,000 - from TNT and NBA Cares - for Las Vegas Boys and Girls Clubs.

What is the most distrubing about this whole ordeal, was the kiss by the two at the end. I know that John Amaechi fever has hit the NBA, but no one should be kissing old men unless they are trying to Anna Nicole Smith them for half of their billion dollar fortune. And even then it may not be worth smelling like mothballs.

Poet's Corner - Haiku

Pippen might return.

What he does not realize is,

He's shit sans Jordan.

Kerry Wood is made of glass

In the "I can't believe it" incident of the week: Kerry Wood got hurt again. Apparently he got hurt in a hot tub incident at his house. ESPN reports he will not miss any time, but if I know Kerry Wood like I know Kerry Wood he MIGHT return after the All-Star Break. That is, unless he hurts himself eating an ice cream cone before then.

Cheaters are all around

If you are a sports fan who likes fair competition, you no longer watch: track and field, cross country skiiing, boxing, swimming, soap box derby racing, figure skating, cycling, darts (yes DARTS), baseball (pro and little league), football, basketball (unless recreational drugs do not offend you) and the paralympics. Well you can now add Nascar to the list after 4 pit crew chiefs were caught altering the cars in Daytona 500 qualifying. They will be suspended along with their drivers being penalized points before the season actually starts.

By my count, this basically leaves, hockey and bowling as the only clean games left. But who really wants to sit around watching Parker Bohn III bowl a 250 to beat Walter Ray Williams Jr's 220. If I ever get to that point in my life, the next logical step will be to fly to Florida, marry OJ and then cheat on him so he can put me out of my misery.

T. Hardaway hates gays

One week after retired NBA player John Amaechi publically identified himself as gay, retired Heat guard Tim Hardaway blasted homosexuality on a Miami radio show that he would not want to play with a gay man. Quotes include:

"You know, I hate gay people, so I let it be known," Hardaway said Wednesday, according to a transcript on the Miami Herald Web site. "I don't like gay people and I don't like to be around gay people. I am homophobic. I don't like it. It shouldn't be in the world or in the United States."

''First of all, I wouldn't want him on my team. And second of all, if he was on my team, I would really distance myself from him because I don't think that is right. I don't think he should be in the locker room while we are in the locker room. But stuff like that is going on and there's a lot of other people I hear that are like that and still in the closet and don't want to come out of the closet, but you know I just leave that alone.''

''Something has to give. And I think the majority of players would ask for him to be traded or they would want to be traded...If you have 12 other ballplayers in your locker room that are upset and can't concentrate and always worried about him in the locker room or on the court it's going to be hard for your teammates to win and accept him as a teammate.''

I am not sure if Hardaway has looked in the mirror lately, but last I saw of him, he was black; And blacks have been discriminated against for pretty much all of mankind. The only thing more ironic than these comments would be seeing John Rocker working in a Harlem soup kitchen.

Shake your money maker

In US women's college basketball action on the weekend, Florida led Kentucky 31-21 closing in on half time. Then, Florida player Joakim Noah went to the floor, hard, on the defensive end, and found himself face to face with a Kentucky cheerleader. The young beauty in a skirt then leaned forward, gave Noah a few choice words, and shook her pom-poms in his face. In retaliation, Noah then took a swipe at the innocent cheerleader.

I am not sure what Noah is upset about. For me to get a cute brunette to waive her pom-pom's in my face usually costs $20. As for the cheerleader, what bad luck she has; for Noah not to have enjoyed that, she must be the only non-lesbo playing college hoops.

Slap on the wrist for Dick

The International Olympic Committee reprimanded Dick Pound, head of the World Anti-Doping Agency, for comments he made towards Lance Armstrong back in 2005. Not only have Dick and Lance been fighting about drugs for 2 years, but they have also been battling forever to be the dominant nickname for 'penis'.

Dick obviously didn't like the fact that Lance may have been getting harder and faster by using drugs. Same can be said for Sheryl Crow, well at least for the faster part of the equation. Sheryl, if you like a man who would rather ride you than a bike, give me a call. Smooches.

But seriously, no one wants to watch two cocks go at it. If their names were Kitty and a Mulva, that is a different story. Break out the whipped cream and sign me up!

Pro bowl, shmo bowl

I can't blame you if you didn't watch the NFL Pro Bowl on the weekend, as it is as exciting as watching WNBA basketball. What you missed is Sean Taylor of the Redskins blowing-up punter Brian Moorman. It looks like Taylor missed the memo telling him the Pro Bowl is to have as much contact as a meeting with his accountant. After viewing the video, you will understand why next year, when a fake punt is called, you will see the kickers calling to catch cab to the airport.

Click here to view the video.

NOTE - the NFL removed the original footage from YouTube as they are douchebags. They allow billions of dollars of illegal gambling on their sport, but does not allow people to post 50 seconds of footage. So the best video we can show you is some genius recreating the play on Techmo Superbowl. Enjoy.

Gonzaga players are liars

Gonzaga players Josh Heytvelt and Theo Davis have been suspended from the team indefinitely after their arrest Friday night for investigation of drug possession. It is alleged they had both mary jane and mushrooms in their vehicle when stopped for a broken tail light. Heytvelt, 20, and Davis, 21, have told Gonzaga officials they are innocent.

With Davis being a Canadian and red-shirted from his authoscopic knee surgery for the year, the medical marijuna defense has to be on the menu. Or blame ignorance due to Canada having very liberal pot laws. As for the mushrooms? Must have been all Heytvelt, who has been considered a frontrunner for West Coast Conference player of the year. For him to actually believe a white man can succeed in a black man's game, he would have to be halucinating. That is unless you consider Big Country Reeves and Greg Ostertag role models.

Owens may be satan

The Dallas Morning News reported that Terrell Owens called new Cowboys coach, Wade Phillips after he was introduced. "I told him it meant a lot to me," Phillips told The Morning News. "It was a good talk." "He's a players' coach, and he's been there before. I guess from an offensive standpoint Wade is a kind of guy who wants to get his playmakers the ball," Owens told the newspaper.

This union has as much chance of living happily ever after as the Dennis Rodman/Carmen Electra marriage. T.O. eats his coaches and teammates alive more than a woman's soccer player.

Poet's Corner - Haiku

Wie slips and falls down,

No more missed cuts for a month,

Until cast comes off.

Whitney scores fast

Ray Whitney had three goals and an assist to lift the Stanley Cup champion Carolina Hurricanes to a 5-2 victory over the Boston Bruins on Thursday night. Whitney needed only 1:40 to scored 3 goals to record his second NHL hat trick.

Wow, scoring 3 times in 100 seconds. I don’t even think perennial all-star Mark Messier has that on his resume. And that’s including all the times he had puck skanks ride his jock after the games.

Sex is a weapon

Trevis Smith, a one-time Canadian Football League linebacker, was convicted of aggravated sexual assault for exposing two women to the virus that causes AIDS by having unprotected sex without telling them about his condition. Provincial court Judge Kenn Bellerose, who delayed sentencing until Feb.26, warned Smith he will be going to prison.

What is really unjust is that, due to his condition, no one in the slammer will give this dirtbag his "Welcome Wood." That is, unless the judge orders Smith to be jailed with other HIV positive prisoners. And if society is lucky the HIV soup in Smith's ass will lead to some sort of mutant kamakaze strand of AIDS that will cause his dick to fall off. That's real justice yo!