Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Auld getting back on the horse

In more Ed Belfour drunken shananigans, Florida Panthers goalie Alex Auld was hurt on Saturday night horsing around with The Eagle.

Belfour said "They have the marble floors there, and they're slippery," which is B.S., considering these guys play on ice for a living. It is a shame that the most action these players can get on a Saturday night is messing around with each other in the lobby considering even a douchebag like Sean Avery can bag a hot piece of ass like Elisha Cuthbert.

The Brees-y winds of politics

Drew Brees is having trouble getting his mother to stop using his picture in her campaign ads for appeal court judge. I don't blame Drew for not wanting to be associated with a political campaign, he probably can't even spell vote let alone remember to go out and do it.

What I don't understand is how his mother thinks using him will help her win a decision making position. Up until last year Brees didn’t have to make any decisions on the field. Pass to Gates. Hand off to Tomlinson. He’s got a lot more to decide now that he’s in New Orleans. Like where to locate his house to avoid flooding.

NBA Fantasy Update

Tony Parker - San Antonio Spurs - Ankle sprain, and ass still sore from Eva Longoria dumping it

Marcus Camby - Denver Nuggets - Sore foot and hangnail - Will probably miss half the season

Sam Cassell - Los Angeles Clippers - Still Ugly

Andre Kirilenko - Utah Jazz - Back injury, extra-marital sex - Probable

Doug Christie - Dallas Mavericks - Neck injury, wife's leash - Definite

Rudy Gay - Memphis Grizzlies - Actually straight

Jason "White Chocolate" Williams - Miami Heat - Insists he has sickle cell anemia - Out indefinitely

Dwayne Wade - Miami Heat - Ebony handsomeness - Definitely

Zanardi is back testing with F1

Next month, Alex Zanardi will return to F1 as a test driver for BMW Sauber. He is currently racing for BMW in the World Touring Car Championship, and has two wins to his credit. You may recall he lost bot his legs in a brutal crash 5 years ago.
If he returns to F1 racting; advantage - Zanardi! Those handi-capped pit spaces are prime real estate!

Monday, October 30, 2006

From Bulgaria with Love

I don't have a dish at home, so I don't keep up with the Bulgarian premier soccer league all that much anymore. But I read the other day that club team Litex Lovech has ordered their 19-year old star striker Ivelin Popov to get married. The hope is that by having a steady presence at home it will curtail his wild partying, womanizing, and volatile temperament. I was surprised to see that Popov has actually agreed to the request. And by surprised, I mean I used my telepathic powers to turn his penis into a vagina.

This would never work in the NBA though. It's one thing to ask the players to keep their stash locked in their Escalde. And it's another to tell them to leave their gat at home. But don't derail a brotha's ho train. It's un-American. Like bald-eagle fricassee or the Dixie Chicks.

Derek Jeter - MVP - Most Valuable Playa!

The baseball season is finally done, and now it is time for the hardware to be handed out. Derek Jeter is one of the favourites to win the MVP award this year. This prize will just go on the shelf next to the other trophies he bagged including - Adriana Lima, Scarlett Johansson, Vanessa Minillo, and Jessica Alba.

He gets criticized for doing a lot of chicks, but as a revered athlete in NYC who oozes ebony handsomeness, what other choice is there? And besides, sharing a locker room with A-rod is kind of like sharing your apartment with your steady girlfriend. Only he's a dude. And he bitches more. And he chokes.

Insight for the ladies of Hotlanta

Before this weekend, the only thing people thought Michael Vick, aka Ron Mexico, was good at passing was his genital herpes. In a shocker, he threw for 291 yards and 3 TD's (not to be confused with his normal 3 STD's) in a big win over the Bengals. My theory is that Mexico had no choice but to pass more and run less this week as a genital herpes flare-up probably gave him a 5-siren crotch-fire this weekend.

So ladies of Atlanta, when the Falcon's win and Mexico threw for over 200 yards, take that as your warning for Sunday night. Give your own pass on Mex, its for your own safety. You are very welcome.

Sports programming hits rock bottom!

Okay, I was able to tolerate the sports networks showing the spelling bee annually. But now they are showing competitive eating contests? Is this what our morbidly obese society has now turned to for entertainment? Should we be glorifying clogged arteries and high blood pressure when our 8 year olds kids cannot see their feet? Maybe people watch this for the same reason they watch auto racing - they are just waiting to smell death; like seeing Johnny Hotdog taking down tube steak number 53 and he clutches his chest and falls face first in his mustard. The only fat guys I want to see on my sports station are either playing football, sumo wrestling or baseball (although with all the steroids now, guys like John Kruk and Cecil Fielder are extinct - oh how we miss their large zany antics).

If I wanted to watch people eat that much meat, I hear Larry Flynt had that type of programming covered a long time ago. What a trailblazer.

Sunday, October 29, 2006

Mutombo almost goes ape

During a pre-season game last week in Orlando, Houston Rockets center Dikembe Mutombo had to be restrained from going into the stands after a court-side fan shouted "Dikembe, you look like a big monkey!"

This is exactly like the relationship black soccer stars have with fans in Europe. Only Dikembe would have been pelted with bananas and instead of charging the stands he would have been responding with sarcastic hitler salutes.

When I set the clocks back on the weekend I noticed that it's 2006. Could have fooled me.

Too Many blows to the head

A sure fire sign that former NHL player Tie Domi has taken too many blows to the head during his playing days is when he cheats on his incredibly hot, soon to be ex, wife (pictured on the right), with a so-so, but rich, MP Belinda Stronach (right and below). This is an incredibly huge step down in the looks department. It looks a lot like Tie was one of the players that waited until he made the NHL to get hitched, otherwise how would he get such a gorgeous woman? Trading down to Belinda is more along the level that the "too dumb to be a jockey" midget would be deserving of if he wasn't an NHL player.

Tie, I hope you not waiting for Belinda's daddy to loosen the purse strings for you to pay your alimony; that is about as likely as Belinda staying in the same political party for a full term. P.S. Please don't hurt me. Oh wait, you stopped fighing years ago. No worries.

Saturday, October 28, 2006

Tiger is tired

According to reports, Tiger Woods will not be playing in the tour championship next week and is saying he is "mentally and physically tired from a hectic stretch through the Ryder Cup."

It should not go unnoted that Tiger's ΓΌber-hot wife Elin Nordegren tagged along for the Ryder Cup. One might be inclined to think that it must be the constant sex that wore him down. You'd be wrong though, cause they don't call him Tiger for nothing.

Friday, October 27, 2006

Boys will be Boys

According to reports, NYU golf coach Jay Donovan was recently forced to resign after the athletics department learned he took the team to nudie bar while in Florida earlier this year for a tournament. I think this is brilliant coaching by Donovan and he should be given a raise, not fired. Golf and sex are so similar to each other, so of course (pun not intended) this excursion would help the team:

- The main purpose of each is to swing and get your balls in the hole
- The golf swing is like sex. You can't be thinking about the mechanics of the act while you are performing
- It is all about your club head speed
- If you prefer, you can play with different partners every time

(BTW, the picture of Natalie Gulbis has nothing to do with this story other than why not post it?)

Sabres win 10th straight

Last night, the high octane Buffalo Sabres won their NHL record tying 10th game in a row to start the season. All this from a team who has Barney Rubble's hair on their uniform. You know what I liked about the Flintstones? Those huge racks of ribs they used to serve that would tip the cars over. If you add some Bulls Eye sauce to those, toss them in the crock pot, man, those would be fall off the bone tastiness. I like ribs.

David Stern loses touch with reality

Asking a ghetto gangbanger to leave his crib without packing a gat is like asking Shawn Kemp to wear a condom. So when NBA commissioner David Stern pleaded yesterday with his players to leave their guns at home I'm pretty sure it wasn't directed at Steve Nash and Dirk Nowitzki.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not racist. I come into the office every morning hoping to read that "White Chocolate" Williams shot up Miami Beach. But I know that wouldn't happen, because Shaq would appear out of nowhere and arrest him. Shazaaaaam!

Admit it

You snickered too when you looked at the first round leaderboard from the PGA's Chrysler Championship.

1 Brian Gay 64 -7
2 Mark Calcavecchia 66 -5
T3 Steve Elkington 67 -4
T3 Duffy Waldorf 67 -4
T3 Heath Slocum 67 -4

Thursday, October 26, 2006

Matt Leinart is a great Dad

Arizona Cardinals wannabe QB, Matt Leinart, celebrated the birth of his first child today along with his ex-girlfriend.

Matt's a first rate guy. Like any good All-American he dumped his pregnant college sweetheart right before the NFL draft to have sex with Paris Hilton. The future may not be so bright for Matt afterall.

1 case of Hilton induced Herpes
+ 18 years of child support
= Career burnout at 30 (Just ask Jose Theodore)

I'm not implying that these people have herpes, I'm just doing the Math.

Oh how the mighty have fallen. WHOA

Last year it was Jerry Rice. Now, Emmitt Smith. How exactly do you go from Hall of Fame running back and taking on guys like Bruce Smith and Michael Strahan, to doing the waltz on Dancing with the Stars versus Screech's best friend A.C. Slater, Blossom's brother and a guy who makes a living from white trash lesbians beating each other up for a free flight to Chicago. Emmitt is in the final four couples now. I wonder if this trophy will have a spot on his mantle next to his Super Bowl titles.

What's next? Ray Lewis, Cliff Claven, Rudy Huxtable and Bull from Night Court playing Yahtzee? Talk about Hall of "Shame". Please say this is a bad dream. PLEASE.

Ben's feelings got hurt

NFL quarterback Ben Roethlisberger apparently got his feelings hurt when he was taunted during last Sunday's game against the Falcons. "(Ben)...won't forget the crude comment made by one of the three Atlanta Falcons players who, while sacking him Sunday, apparently taunted Roethlisberger by saying he wanted to hit him in his surgically repaired face."

Let me get this straight, you play in the NFL and get drilled by huge 300 pound men for a living, and you are upset about a little smack talk on the field? Dude, your face got smashed into a car a few months ago! People could walk down the street, throw dead animals at you and tell you that your mom is easy, and you should continue skipping and smiling on account that you are still alive.

Don't forget the old saying, "Glass and metal may break my bones, but names will never hurt me."

Danica Patrick is still hot

IndyCar babe Danica Patrick is slated to appear in the GQ magazine spotlight for November. "The Patrick package, including a full-page photo, highlights her drive toward perfection that makes her one of the most unbridled – and entertaining – competitors out there.”

I'm surprised by this as I was under the impression that GQ had some kind of gay agenda. I must have been thrown off by the half-naked photo of Dwayne Wade on the cover of last month's issue.

(NOTE: Just because I'm a subscriber of GQ does not make me gay. As a self-assured heterosexual male I can fully appreciate the ebony handsomeness of Dwayne Wade.)

A wet night

Last night, game 4 of the World Series got postponed due to rain. 50 guys, a really wet night, waiting around to dig into a box and use their bats, balls and gloves. Sounds like a typical night with Jenna Jameson.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

After OJ, they all get off now

Apparently, the domestic violence case against Cleveland Browns running back Reuben "OJ" Droughns will be dropped, or so his lawyer says.
Let's do the math: a huge 220 pound NFL running back versus his petite trophy wife. Only witness to the crime is said wife who got tossed around by said NFL player. The case is dropped because the evidence is too weak.
Do you think it has anything to do with the fact she is scared she will be OJ'd if she showed up in court? Oh wait, OJ is innocent, my mistake.

San Diego "Vikings"

According to ESPN, San Diego Chargers linebacker Shawne Merriman will be suspended four games for taking steroids in violation of the NFL's substance abuse policy. He's claiming his innocence, but from the looks of this picture I'd wager his erect penis is a shriveled up 2 inches.

The Chargers have been on a roll lately. Two weeks ago cornerback Markus Curry was arrested for smacking around his wife. In September safety Terrence Kiel was arrested in front of teammates for having acquired enough codeine-laced cough syrup to cure China of bird flu. That same month an intoxicated Steve Foley (linebacker) was shot three times while he and his wife tried to run over a police officer. Foley already had a brush with the law last April when he and fellow linebacker Shaun Phillips were each arrested for fighting with San Diego police officers.

All that's missing here is Daunte Culpepper, some strippers and a team cruise in San Diego Harbor.

Handling the rock

D.J. Strawberry, son of former major leauge slugger and recovering addict Darryl Strawberry, is busy preparing for his senior basketball season with the NCAA Maryland Tarrapins. Team coach Gary Williams is hoping that by moving Strawberry from point guard to swingman it will improve the Terrapins' defense, "I think he'll be better not having to handle the ball all the time."

If there's one thing I learned in school its that genetics are everything. If you want to improve the defense keep Strawberry sober and away from the eightball. And by sober I mean limit the lines of coke he snorts during the pregame to less than 5.

Kobe loves box

News out of Los Angeles has Kobe Bryant as questionable for the Lakers home opener next week. Currently he continues to be bothered by his off season surgery and is walking with a metal cane for support. All the same, if a hot piece of white meat came strolling on by, that cane would be in a dumpster next to Darryl Strawberry and he would be off like greased lightning to hit that ass. We will keep you updated on his medical status and sex life, in case your woman is a hot white piece of ass living in LA!

Threats work!

After a slow start to their NHL season, the Ottawa Senators have won 3 of their last 4 games; capped off by a 6-2 beating of the Maple Leafs. Rumour has it that when the Senators were 1-3, Coach Bryan Murray was desperate. So desperate, he told the team that if they didn't start winning, Dany Heatley would be driving the team bus to the next few games. Let's all hope the Senators don't hit the wall later in the season.