T.J. Ford is a gangsta

Toronto Raptors guard T.J. Ford compared himself to Allen Iverson in an interview yesterday, "When I look at [Iverson] I feel like I'm looking at myself and the kind of things I can do.”

T.J.’s getting a bit ahead of himself here. A.I. be ballin-outta-control. I haven’t read about T.J. getting busted by the cops for flashing his glock. And I sure don’t have a copy of T.J. Ford’s rap album. It takes a hardcore gangsta like A.I. to write inspired lyrics like “Come to me with those faggot tendencies and you'll be sleeping where the maggots be." T.J., hold up bra. When you've tossed your girlfriend around or pistol whipped somebody, get back to us. Thanks.

If you don't learn from the past....

The former NFL 3rd overall pick of the Washington Redskins, Heath Shuler, won a seat in the U.S. House representing the state of North Carolina. It looks like the residents of North Carolina are not huge football fans. Didn’t they realize Heath already screwed up Washington the first time he was there?

Tiger plays catch-up to Annika

Not to be outdone by the world’s number one female golfer, Tiger Woods has announced that he will also make his much anticipated foray into the world of golf course design. "I've had the luxury of playing golf around the world, and I've spent a lot of time evaluating how to play all kinds of courses," said Woods. "I'd like to share my experiences and the lessons I've learned and hopefully create some amazing, fun courses."

Annika Sorenstam and Tiger Woods represent the pinnacle of their profession so I’m sure their fans are eagerly awaiting the clash of these two titans. It would be like two culinary masters squaring off in kitchen stadium. Except that that whole thing would end in chaos when the judging panel sampled Elin Nordegren’s seafood pasta.

And just because she’s hot, here are a few pix of Tiger’s wife.

Dementieva hates men

At this week’s season ending WTA tour tournament, male models will be hired for the first time as ball boys. And world number 8 seed, Elena Dementieva isn’t all that thrilled about it. “We were practicing the other day and I don't think they really know what they have to do on the court because they are too busy watching the players," the 25-year-old Russian vixen told reporters.

Elena, sweetheart, you’ve got nothing to worry about. They’re male models after all. No doubt they were simply admiring your hair. This will be in stark contrast to next season’s edition, where the Throwing Smoke writers will be working the court. It will affect your game to the point where you withdraw to spend the remainder of the week in ‘Thicktown’. Toodles.

Legal limit also applies to professional drivers

Looks like Canadian bad-boy Paul Tracy will miss the final Champ Car race of the season due to a “self-inflicted” injury. Tracy recounted the injury he sustained to his arm, “I was at a party and had had a little too much to drink, and we thought it was a good idea to go out on a golf cart and try and jump sand dunes with it. We were wrong. It wasn't a good idea. [We] jumped a sand trap and ended up with the cart on top of me. Like I said, it sounded like a good idea at the time, but it didn't pan out that way."

Tracy has the benefit of hindsight when he says that “it wasn’t a good idea.” But the reality is that we all do stupid things we wish we could take back. Like the time I let Rae Carruth hide in the trunk of my car.

Stern - Game, Set, Match

In a recent press conference, NBA Dallas Mavericks owner, Mark Cuban, has apparently thrown up the white flag to commissioner David Stern. Cuban is now willing to just sit back and be an owner, and not the league’s biggest critic and wannabe NBA innovator. Cuban stated, "I used to spend a lot of time trying to really learn the details and the numbers, doing a lot of research, because I was cynical and skeptical. I've lost all that cynicism and skepticism. It's all gone. Sarcasm? There's no sarcasm."

Should Cuban’s statements be taken at face value? Only if you believe that Latrell Sprewell was giving his coach a neck massage and Jayson Williams' limo driver was like that when he got there.

No one likes a faker

The GSK Phoenix of the Sussex Football Association performed a side-splitting stunt by observing a minute's silence prior to a match last week in honour of a “dead” player, who in fact wasn’t dead but had simply been dropped from the first team.

This is exactly like that prank OJ pulled on Nicole. Except that it wasn’t a prank. Or funny.

Winds can be tricky

The National Transportation Safety Board said that “a light wind, coupled with the pilot's inability to turn sharply,” was the cause of Cory Lidle’s fatal air crash in New York two weeks ago. The stats say that you have a 1 in 16 million chance of dying in flight. If your name is Cory Lidle the odds are listed at 1:1. Should have checked that out first chief.

Mota juiced, honestly

Here’s a refreshing take on the whole steroids thing. New York Mets pitcher Guillermo Mota has admitted to taking banned performance enhancing drugs. Upon being caught Mota had this to say, “I have no one to blame but myself. I take full responsibility for my actions and accept MLB's suspension. I used extremely poor judgment and deserve to be held accountable."

I hope that Mota does the right thing now and exposes his co-conspirators. There’s always a collaborator. Like, those drugs didn’t get into McGwire’s ass all by themselves, right José?

Bye bye Boomer!

It looks like David ‘Butt’ Wells’ playing days are close to an end. “David Wells will spend much of this month in Africa hunting lions, leopards and water buffalo on safari with a bow and arrow.” This is in contrast to his usual hunting trips for cheap beer, cheap buffets and cheap broads.

Is the price right?

Daisuke Matsuzaka, the most dominant pitcher in Japanese baseball for the last eight seasons, had his path to the Majors cleared when the Seibu Lions officially agreed to release the 26-year-old flamethrower. Seibu said Matsuzaka's rights will be ''posted'' meaning that all 30 major league teams can bid on the rights. The club with the highest bid will gain the right to attempt to sign the pitcher.

In keeping with Japanese tradition, rich white business men will be bidding for the services of hot young Japanese meat. Only this shouldn’t be confused with Kobe beef. Kobe’s beef is safe and sound back in LA.

Houshmandzadeh gets people fired

Cincinnati sports radio commentator Andy Furman was fired Wednesday, nearly a month after calling Bengals wide receiver T.J. Houshmandzadeh a "racist" on-air. Furman accused Houshmandzadeh of calling him a "punk-ass white boy," but Houshmandzadeh has denied making that remark, insisting that he simply told Furman to “f--- [him]self.”

I don’t know who to believe. But I do know one thing: when there’s a good chance your name comes up RED on the “Do Not Fly List” you should probably learn to keep your mouth shut.

Annika to design a course

Annika Sorenstam has signed on to redesign the Patriot Points Link Golf Course, according to her management company—her first such attempt in North America.

You just know this is a bad idea. Pink sand bunkers, scented fairways, and a unicorn on every green. Is it too late to dig up Byron Nelson and let him have a shot at redesigning it first? Annika, whatever you do, don’t inspire yourself from a John Daly designed course. Although it’s quite innovative, empty JD bottles and cigarette butts should not be considered golf hazards.

Pacman spits, not swallows

It wouldn't be an autumn day without another NFL player being handcuffed. Today's winner is Tennessee Titans cornerback Adam "Pacman" Jones. Jones has been cited for an incident at a nightclub over the weekend where he “became verbally abusive and spit a huge amount of mucus on [the female victim’s] face.” This is the second time this year that Pacman has been charged with spitting on women.

On the woman abuse scale of 1 to 10, this is a –23. You need to man up like your teammate Reynolds. Spitting is for wimps. And Camels. And Robbie Alomar.

Message to Shawn Merriman et al

First it started out as a flat denial. Evolving later into “I didn’t know what that cream was.” Next, Landis pioneered “naturally high levels of testosterone”. The latest fad amongst professional athletes caught juicing is to blame tainted supplements.

These explanations are about as believable as the results of an Italian soccer match. A positive test shouldn't be a surprise when your 'vitamin' container says 'Mix one part supplement powder with one part nandrolone.'

Family reunion

Tennessee Titans linebacker Robert Reynolds was in court yesterday to face charges for events stemming from a family get together with his estranged wife and 2-year-old son. It was a day filled with scrap book moments. Reynolds started pounding back the Old Milwaukee at 7AM. Daddy threw mommy into the wall. Robert jr. cried. The cops showed up.

They seem to have a healthy enough relationship. And by healthy I mean that they get along better than O.J. and Nicole.

The good ole boys

Stemming from the NASCAR race last weekend, officials are investigating whether Robby Gordon purposely threw debris on the race track to cause a caution at Atlanta Motor Speedway. How the heck can they suspect him of being so devious when he can barely remember which one of his cousins he is supposed to sleep with tomorrow night?

Auld getting back on the horse

In more Ed Belfour drunken shananigans, Florida Panthers goalie Alex Auld was hurt on Saturday night horsing around with The Eagle.

Belfour said "They have the marble floors there, and they're slippery," which is B.S., considering these guys play on ice for a living. It is a shame that the most action these players can get on a Saturday night is messing around with each other in the lobby considering even a douchebag like Sean Avery can bag a hot piece of ass like Elisha Cuthbert.

The Brees-y winds of politics

Drew Brees is having trouble getting his mother to stop using his picture in her campaign ads for appeal court judge. I don't blame Drew for not wanting to be associated with a political campaign, he probably can't even spell vote let alone remember to go out and do it.

What I don't understand is how his mother thinks using him will help her win a decision making position. Up until last year Brees didn’t have to make any decisions on the field. Pass to Gates. Hand off to Tomlinson. He’s got a lot more to decide now that he’s in New Orleans. Like where to locate his house to avoid flooding.

NBA Fantasy Update

Tony Parker - San Antonio Spurs - Ankle sprain, and ass still sore from Eva Longoria dumping it

Marcus Camby - Denver Nuggets - Sore foot and hangnail - Will probably miss half the season

Sam Cassell - Los Angeles Clippers - Still Ugly

Andre Kirilenko - Utah Jazz - Back injury, extra-marital sex - Probable

Doug Christie - Dallas Mavericks - Neck injury, wife's leash - Definite

Rudy Gay - Memphis Grizzlies - Actually straight

Jason "White Chocolate" Williams - Miami Heat - Insists he has sickle cell anemia - Out indefinitely

Dwayne Wade - Miami Heat - Ebony handsomeness - Definitely

Zanardi is back testing with F1

Next month, Alex Zanardi will return to F1 as a test driver for BMW Sauber. He is currently racing for BMW in the World Touring Car Championship, and has two wins to his credit. You may recall he lost bot his legs in a brutal crash 5 years ago.
If he returns to F1 racting; advantage - Zanardi! Those handi-capped pit spaces are prime real estate!

From Bulgaria with Love

I don't have a dish at home, so I don't keep up with the Bulgarian premier soccer league all that much anymore. But I read the other day that club team Litex Lovech has ordered their 19-year old star striker Ivelin Popov to get married. The hope is that by having a steady presence at home it will curtail his wild partying, womanizing, and volatile temperament. I was surprised to see that Popov has actually agreed to the request. And by surprised, I mean I used my telepathic powers to turn his penis into a vagina.

This would never work in the NBA though. It's one thing to ask the players to keep their stash locked in their Escalde. And it's another to tell them to leave their gat at home. But don't derail a brotha's ho train. It's un-American. Like bald-eagle fricassee or the Dixie Chicks.

Derek Jeter - MVP - Most Valuable Playa!

The baseball season is finally done, and now it is time for the hardware to be handed out. Derek Jeter is one of the favourites to win the MVP award this year. This prize will just go on the shelf next to the other trophies he bagged including - Adriana Lima, Scarlett Johansson, Vanessa Minillo, and Jessica Alba.

He gets criticized for doing a lot of chicks, but as a revered athlete in NYC who oozes ebony handsomeness, what other choice is there? And besides, sharing a locker room with A-rod is kind of like sharing your apartment with your steady girlfriend. Only he's a dude. And he bitches more. And he chokes.

Insight for the ladies of Hotlanta

Before this weekend, the only thing people thought Michael Vick, aka Ron Mexico, was good at passing was his genital herpes. In a shocker, he threw for 291 yards and 3 TD's (not to be confused with his normal 3 STD's) in a big win over the Bengals. My theory is that Mexico had no choice but to pass more and run less this week as a genital herpes flare-up probably gave him a 5-siren crotch-fire this weekend.

So ladies of Atlanta, when the Falcon's win and Mexico threw for over 200 yards, take that as your warning for Sunday night. Give your own pass on Mex, its for your own safety. You are very welcome.

Sports programming hits rock bottom!

Okay, I was able to tolerate the sports networks showing the spelling bee annually. But now they are showing competitive eating contests? Is this what our morbidly obese society has now turned to for entertainment? Should we be glorifying clogged arteries and high blood pressure when our 8 year olds kids cannot see their feet? Maybe people watch this for the same reason they watch auto racing - they are just waiting to smell death; like seeing Johnny Hotdog taking down tube steak number 53 and he clutches his chest and falls face first in his mustard. The only fat guys I want to see on my sports station are either playing football, sumo wrestling or baseball (although with all the steroids now, guys like John Kruk and Cecil Fielder are extinct - oh how we miss their large zany antics).

If I wanted to watch people eat that much meat, I hear Larry Flynt had that type of programming covered a long time ago. What a trailblazer.

Mutombo almost goes ape

During a pre-season game last week in Orlando, Houston Rockets center Dikembe Mutombo had to be restrained from going into the stands after a court-side fan shouted "Dikembe, you look like a big monkey!"

This is exactly like the relationship black soccer stars have with fans in Europe. Only Dikembe would have been pelted with bananas and instead of charging the stands he would have been responding with sarcastic hitler salutes.

When I set the clocks back on the weekend I noticed that it's 2006. Could have fooled me.

Too Many blows to the head

A sure fire sign that former NHL player Tie Domi has taken too many blows to the head during his playing days is when he cheats on his incredibly hot, soon to be ex, wife (pictured on the right), with a so-so, but rich, MP Belinda Stronach (right and below). This is an incredibly huge step down in the looks department. It looks a lot like Tie was one of the players that waited until he made the NHL to get hitched, otherwise how would he get such a gorgeous woman? Trading down to Belinda is more along the level that the "too dumb to be a jockey" midget would be deserving of if he wasn't an NHL player.


Tie, I hope you not waiting for Belinda's daddy to loosen the purse strings for you to pay your alimony; that is about as likely as Belinda staying in the same political party for a full term. P.S. Please don't hurt me. Oh wait, you stopped fighing years ago. No worries.

Tiger is tired

According to reports, Tiger Woods will not be playing in the tour championship next week and is saying he is "mentally and physically tired from a hectic stretch through the Ryder Cup."

It should not go unnoted that Tiger's über-hot wife Elin Nordegren tagged along for the Ryder Cup. One might be inclined to think that it must be the constant sex that wore him down. You'd be wrong though, cause they don't call him Tiger for nothing.

Boys will be Boys

According to reports, NYU golf coach Jay Donovan was recently forced to resign after the athletics department learned he took the team to nudie bar while in Florida earlier this year for a tournament. I think this is brilliant coaching by Donovan and he should be given a raise, not fired. Golf and sex are so similar to each other, so of course (pun not intended) this excursion would help the team:

- The main purpose of each is to swing and get your balls in the hole
- The golf swing is like sex. You can't be thinking about the mechanics of the act while you are performing
- It is all about your club head speed
- If you prefer, you can play with different partners every time

(BTW, the picture of Natalie Gulbis has nothing to do with this story other than why not post it?)

Sabres win 10th straight

Last night, the high octane Buffalo Sabres won their NHL record tying 10th game in a row to start the season. All this from a team who has Barney Rubble's hair on their uniform. You know what I liked about the Flintstones? Those huge racks of ribs they used to serve that would tip the cars over. If you add some Bulls Eye sauce to those, toss them in the crock pot, man, those would be fall off the bone tastiness. I like ribs.