Monday, April 30, 2007

Michael Vick loves dogs

Virginia police raided a house owned by Falcons QB Michael Vick and found more than 60 dogs, many of them injured and intentionally starved. Police also found items associated with dog fighting.

A police spokesman said that one of Vick's relatives lives in the home. Vick owns the property, but doesn't live there and wasn't present when a search warrant was executed in a drug investigation last week.

Wayne Pacelle, president and CEO of The Humane Society of the United States, said the group has "heard troubling reports for some time that Michael Vick has been involved in organized dog fighting, and we fear that this investigation may validate that very disturbing allegation."

The Humane Society said dog fighting is illegal nationwide and a felony in 48 states, including both Virginia and Georgia.

The animal rights group PETA has asked Falcons owner Arthur Blank to suspend Vick pending the investigation and "to kick him off the team if it is found that dogs on Vick's property were neglected or used for fighting."

It seems to me as though Vick is on the fast track to getting Pacman’ed by the NFL commissioner. Sure, he didn’t order the gang banging of anyone, but his rap sheet is getting pretty long, even by NFL standards.

If Vick were smart he’d move his dog operation down to Louisiana and set up shop next to Roy Jones Jr.’s cock fighting arena. Although he’d risk getting body slammed by Hulk Hogan if he did that. No doubt Vick will have the last laugh when Brooke Hogan checks into the treatment clinic as Rhonda Mexico.

Another Cardinals pitcher is dead

Josh Hancock, a relief pitcher who helped the St. Louis Cardinals win the World Series last season, died early Sunday when his sport utility vehicle slammed into the back of a tow truck. This is the second time in 5 years that the Cardinals have lost a pitcher. Darryl Kile died in June 2002 after his heart exploded.

With this death rate the Cardinals are going to have to start offering their hurlers some danger pay. The only job in baseball more hazardous is being Darryl Strawberry’s colon.

Saturday, April 28, 2007

Poet's Corner

Following NBA players,
Who are always in the action,
The WNBA is now in the game,
Because of Deanna Jackson.

Slugging the opposition,
In an Isreali parking lot,
Jackson is detained,
in the home of terrorist plots.

They traded insults during the game,
Deanna broke her opponent's nose,
You will never win being ghetto,
Is what this shows.

Friday, April 27, 2007

Chargers being investigated

The San Diego Chargers were once again the focus of a Drug Enforcement Agency investigation. DEA officials discovered that some Chargers players have been sending large sums of money to China and believed they had a steroid-smuggling case on their hands. However, it was eventually determined that drugs weren’t involved, and that the money was likely sent in exchange for crates of imitation athletic shoes that were to be passed off and sold as the real deal in the United States. The case has been turned over to the U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement agency. The investigation is ongoing and it is still not known which Chargers players are involved.

Something tells me that Terrence Kiel is involved in all of this. If he isn’t pissing himself silly, that dude’s busy hatching some sort of illegal money making scheme. At least this explains how Stephane Marbury has been able to sell his line of Starbury ghetto sneaks for only $15.

Schilling wasn't faking

Oriole’s announcer Gary Thorne said during his broadcast of the Red Sox-Orioles game on Wednesday that Boston backup catcher Doug Mirabelli admitted that Curt Schilling milked his ankle injury for drama while helping Boston win the World Series 2 years ago. "It was painted," Thorne said. "Doug Mirabelli confessed up to it after. It was all for PR.”

In reality Mirabelli was quoted as saying, 'How about the bloody sock? Yeah, we got a lot of publicity out of that,' and that was all he can recall me saying," Mirabelli said. "He said he assumed what I meant was that the sock was fake and that it was just a publicity stunt. That by no means is what I meant. There was never a doubt in mind there was blood on the sock."

So by my tally there have been bloody glove and bloody sock conspiracies. Personally, I’d get a lot more worked up seeing Martina Hingis lose her tampon during a Wimbledon final.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Beliard still only has two kids

An Illinois man has pleaded guilty for trying to extort $150,000 from a former St. Louis Cardinal, believed to be Ronnie Belliard, after claiming the player impregnated the man's daughter after the pair met last fall at a local nightclub. Belliard now plays for the Washington Nationals and is a married father of two children.

According to the indictment, the man told the player’s agent that a paternity test before an eventual miscarriage proved he impregnated the daughter. The man said he and his daughter wanted to be paid to keep them from telling the media.

I’m assuming that because the prosecution never denied it, that means Belliard probably did tap that ass. The only question remaining is if he actually got her preggers or not. And I don’t understand why Belliard cares either. No child means no child support. Case closed. As fathering bastard children is a favourite pastime of professional athletes his wife and kids should understand. At least he’s not engaging in other popular hobbies such as spousal abuse. Or spraying them with bleach.

Hunter is now the hunted

Torii Hunter has gotten into trouble with Major League Baseball for a gift he gave the Kansas City Royals over the weekend. Torii Hunter's gift of four bottles of Dom Perignon, which he had delivered to the Royals clubhouse was meant as a reward for the Royals sweeping the Detroit Tigers last September, allowing the Twins to come from behind to win the American League Central. The gift fulfilled a promise Hunter made last fall.Rule 21-b of the rulebook states that "Any player or person connected with a Club who shall offer or give any gift or reward to a player or person connected with another Club for services rendered ... in defeating or attempting to defeat a competing Club ... shall be declared ineligible for not less than three years." The Twins got a phone call from the commissioner's office about the gift. And the Twins found themselves in an awkward position -- having to call the Royals to ask that the champagne be returned. Hunter said he wasn't aware of the rule, "I do good things. If you want to make a good thing into a bad thing, then so be it."

I can feel Hunter’s pain of having a good deeds going unappreciated. This reminds me of the time that my ex left me. Sure she brought in all the income while I did her sister, but I ALWAYS made sure dinner was ready. It wasn’t my fault that macaroni and cheese wasn’t up to this princess’s standards. P.S. Thanks for the alimony biatch!

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Avery likes to chirp

The NHL Eastern conference semi-finals start tonight in Buffalo when the Sabres and the New York Rangers square off. NHL superpest Sean Avery is already up to no good. He was quoted as saying "I'm going to hurt them, I'm going to hit them and be in their face as much as I can. Each check is going to be a little bit harder."

If Avery thinks he will do damage to the Sabres, he doesn't know what they have in store for him. You can bet Sabres stud tough guy, Andrew Peters, will be seen in the pressbox next to Avery’s girlfriend, Elisha Cuthbert, whispering "I'm going to do you, I'm going to do you and cum on your face as much as I can. Each pump is going to be a little bit harder." Now THAT will hurt!

Strahan's stuff put out for garage sale

Michael Strahan’s ex-wife Jean Strahan held a garage sale last week and sold off many of his valuables still located in their mansion. The sidewalk sale included some of Strahan’s televisions, various antiques, and a bronze football statue.

Jean Strahan is still fighting to get the $6.5 million she says her ex-husband owes her following their 2005 divorce. In January, a judge awarded her $15.3 million and set child support at $18,000 a month. Michael Strahan has paid more than half the money, but is arguing that the remaining $6.5 million is too much.

I’ve been saying all along that this whole story bears striking resemblance to OJ’s. And now his ex is auctioning off his stuff to raise the money he owes her. There was no word on whether the bronze football statue was actually his defensive player of the year award. Sure, its not a Heisman, but I hope Jean’s father bought it just in case this whole saga turns it like it’s supposed too.

Tillman cover-up still on-going

The U.S. Army’s cover up of Pat Tillman’s death is still being spun. Last week word leaked that within hours of his death, the Army went into information-lockdown mode, cutting off phone and Internet connections at a base in Afghanistan, posting guards on a wounded platoon mate, and ordering a sergeant to burn Tillman's uniform. It is well-known by now that the circumstances of Tillman's April 22, 2004, death were kept from his family and the U.S. public; the Army maintained he was cut down by enemy bullets in an ambush, even though many soldiers knew he was mistakenly killed by his own comrades. The investigation is still on-going.

This story's got more legs than a Patrick Ewing table dance. I have no clue why someone thought it was a good idea to send Tillman anyway. If they wanted results they should have formed an elite squadron featuring Cincinnati Bengals players. Those dudes know how to handle a gat and better still Goodell may consider it a success if some of them came home in a coffin.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Vikings should wear belts

Last week, the Minnesota Vikings cornerback Cedric Griffin was freed on $50 bail after being arrested early that Sunday in downtown Minneapolis and charged with misdemeanor disorderly conduct, authorities said. Two witnesses told KSTP-TV that the Vikings cornerback was thrown out of the Spin nightclub for not pulling up his pants. The club has a dress code requiring that pants not sag below the waist. The witnesses said Griffin then had a dustup with bouncers and police before being taken away in handcuffs.

This has been the first Viking to be caught with his pants down since the infamous sexboat fiasco; although this arrest seems lame in comparison. If you are going to be arrested with your pants below your waist, you had better be damn sure your dick is getting wet. And I don’t mean from the waves.

Monday, April 23, 2007

Landis fails test

To really no one’s surprise, other than maybe Landis’ na├»ve devoted followers, secondary tests on backup urine samples on Tour de France champion Floyd Landis found traces of synthetic testosterone, the French sports newspaper L'Equipe reported Monday. The tests on seven "B" samples clearly showed traces of the banned substance, the paper said on its Web site. Landis had insisted the follow-up tests weren't necessary because the primary "A" samples tested negative for banned substances during the Tour. L'Equipe said the lab used a technique that can distinguish synthetic from natural forms of testosterone, a male sex hormone. "I'm infuriated by the behavior of USADA and the French lab”, Landis said. "Together, they have turned this proceeding into a full-scale attack on my civil rights and a mockery of justice."

Ever since OJ got off, all professional athletes now believe they have an entitlement to the same lack of justice. However, the reality of being an American who dominates a European sport means that you have to expect them to try and bring you down at every instance. And really, Landis should just be thankful he wasn’t a black cyclist on his way to winning the Tour. Doping allegations are of secondary concern when European sports facists fanatics are tossing bananas into your spokes during a mountain descent.

Pacman to "reorganize priorities"

In his latest performance of this never ending carnival, Pacman Jones purchased a full-page advertisement in a Tennessee newspaper apologizing for the actions that led to his year long NFL suspension.

Pacman’s letter, prepared with the help of high paid lawyers, admits that he needs to reorganize his priorities and seeks forgiveness from his family, teammates, coaches, and fans. In the open letter Jones also claims to be returning to West Virginia University to tap 18 year old ass complete his degree.

Someone ought to tell Pacman that you don’t become intelligent once they hand you a piece of paper conferring you a degree. Especially when you pass by threatening to shoot the smart kid if he doesn’t do your assignments for you.

Does anyone actually believe that Pacman is going to change? This whole idea of publishing a letter of apology is about as ridiculous as Rae Carruth knitting some booties for his pregnant girlfriend.

Telfair loves guns

Boston Celtics guard Sebastian Telfair was arrested early Friday after police stopped him for speeding and found a loaded handgun under a seat in his SUV. Telfair was clocked driving at 32 mph over the limit in his Range Rover. Neither Telfair nor his passenger Al Eden Fuentes had a valid driver’s license, so Telfair’s SUV was set for impoundment and searched by an officer. The officer quickly noticed the butt of the handgun sticking out from under the passenger seat.

Telfair never leaves his crib unarmed. You may recall in 2006 that a loaded handgun was found in his pillowcase on the Trail Blazers' private jet at Boston's Logan International Airport. Telfair told authorities the gun belonged to his girlfriend and that he inadvertently grabbed the wrong bag when leaving for the team's road trip.

The officer’s lucky that he didn’t have to fetch a body bag from the trunk of his cruiser. After the dismal year the Celtics had and this likely ending Telfair’s NBA career, any reasonable person would have had that gun in their mouth and the trigger cocked.

Sunday, April 22, 2007

Throwing Smoke Flashback - Steve Sullivan

This goes to show you should always listen to your mom when she says 'If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it at all.' Karma is a bitch, just like Sidney Crosby.

Saturday, April 21, 2007

Poet's Corner - Sonnet

The NFL draft is near,
And that means stringent drug testing.
Some draft prospects will be in fear,
And never be resting.

3 of the top 10 projected selections,
Have admitted to using pot,
They need some time and reflection,
To change their ways and not be caught.

With Goodell’s hard stance,
Drafting four criminals as the Bengals did,
In 2006, that is a huge chance.
These players, the league is trying to get rid.

You may end up with a bust pick like Mandrich or Enis,
Still better than your players humiliating you like a kick in the penis.

Friday, April 20, 2007

Russia boots Semin

Washington Capitals sniper Alexander Semin has been kicked off of Russia’s World Hockey Championships team after missing the team’s first practice. Semin is saying that the incident is a simple misunderstanding and want’s the team to take him back. "I don't understand it…there is no explanation for it," Semin’s representative Mark Gandler said. "Alexander did nothing wrong, but even if he had, the punishment doesn't fit the crime."

Considering the issues between the Russian Hockey Federation (RHF) and their players recently, they should be happy that one of their players is brave enough to board a plane to represent their country. In their handling of their situation, the RHF is acting like a bunch of bitches; so they should know that when semen is cumming, you shut up and take it. In the face.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Vick gives

Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick has teamed up with the United Way to donate $10,000 to assist families affected by the massacre at Virginia Tech, his former school. "When tragic things like this happen, families have enough to deal with, and if I can help in some small way, that's the least I can do," said Vick, who played for the Hokies before being drafted No. 1 overall by the Falcons in 2001.

Hey Vick, while you are cutting cheques, try donating to the women you slept with. A lifetime supply of penicillin ain’t cheap, slut.

KoRo gets out of jail

Packers wideout Koren Robinson has been released from prison after having served half of his 90-day sentence for violating his probation and leading cops on a high speed chase. As a condition of his early release he must wear an electronic tracking bracelet and remain at home.

It’s too bad KoRo’s hauled up at home ‘cause he won’t be able to show off that whack new bracelet of his. You can’t just rob someone in order to get that kind of bling. It’s gotta be earned. Like Ryan Leaf’s NFL pension.

The Juice doesn't have to pay

In another crushing blow to the Goldmans, the auction to sell the rights to O.J. Simpson's unpublished murder confession was postponed after the company that currently owns the rights filed for bankruptcy.

Last month, Los Angeles Superior Court Judge Gerald Rosenberg ordered that any proceeds from the sale and any subsequent profits be turned over to the family of murder victim Ron Goldman, which has been trying to collect on a $33.5 million wrongful death judgment against Simpson since 1997. A payday seemed imminent, until now. Instead, the company that patriarch Fred Goldman accused Simpson of setting up to hide his book advance is alleging that it's in dire financial straits. "It's their only and last option," Goldman family attorney David Cook told the Associated Press. "The bankruptcy process is a detour on the road to justice."

The Juice’s legal team is as shifty as he was in his playing days. The Goldman’s need to realize that they are the Wile E. Coyote to O.J’s roadrunner. No matter what they order from Acme their plan to get the Juice backfires and he runs away mockingly with a Meep Meep.

As a last resort the Goldman’s should consider hiring David Winfield to slay the Juice. He can kill a bird with a baseball from a mile away, so taking down the Goldman's nemesis with a bat to the temple shouldn’t be a problem. What's a little more blood on your hands worth Dave?

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Pacman fights for his rights

Pacman Jones has told reporters that he is planning on appealing his season-long suspension. When asked if NFL commissioner Roger Goodell is using him as an example with severe punishment, Jones agreed.

"Clearly you know for a guy that hadn't been charged, I'm clearly made to be the poster boy. I think it was a little bit harsh. I expected the suspension, but for a whole year for a guy that hadn't been charged with nothing? I really didn't agree with it. But for the most part, I'm taking it like a man. I'm going to appeal it. We'll see what the future brings.”

I’ve always said that Pacman is a classy guy. And I hope he shoots suits up next season. But considering that Goodell himself will hear Pacman’s appeal I don’t think he’s got much of a chance. That is, unless he brings that hit man of his along .

Duncan will go

Veteran NBA referee Joey Crawford was suspended indefinitely by commissioner David Stern for his conduct toward Tim Duncan, who contends the official challenged him to a fight during a game in Dallas. Crawford ejected Duncan from San Antonio's loss after calling a second technical foul on the Spurs star while he was laughing on the bench. "He looked at me and said, 'Do you want to fight? Do you want to fight?"' Duncan said. "If he wants to fight, we can fight. I don't have any problem with him, but we can do it if he wants to. I have no reason why in the middle of a game he would yell at me, 'Do you want to fight?"'

Crawford can’t seriously think that he’s tough. After all, it was Tim ‘Uncle Tom’ Duncan he wanted to brawl with and not a real NBA gansta. God help him if he said this to A.I. Seconds after these words left his mouth, AI’s posse would be storming the court like a SWAT team and all Crawford would remember seeing are his intestines on centre court. Now that is technically foul, yo.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Pacman will bitch slap the rap scene

During this live interview last week during the Southern Entertainment Awards Pacman Jones revealed that he has started up a new record label called NSL—“National Street League.” Apparently his first single is due out sometime next year. Although I couldn’t really make out the name of the track cause Pacman sounds like Mush Mouth from Fat Albert.

I have no idea if Pacman will have any more success than Ron Artest and Allen Irverson. But if he’s as good at promoting records as he is beating the shit out of women then he’ll be in line for a Grammy next-year.

Bulls hate kids

A 14-year-old matador who left Spain to escape his home country's ban on young bullfighters was nearly gored to death in a Mexican ring. Jairo Miguel had his lung punctured by a 900-pound bull at the Aguascalientes Monumental Bull Ring on Sunday when a bull named Hidrocalido rushed him at top speed and lifted him in the air, appearing to carry him several yards with one horn firmly lodged in his thorax. "I'm dying, dad, I'm dying," government news agency Notimex quoted Jairo as saying immediately after the goring. Jairo's father, Antonio Sanchez Caceres, is also a well-known bullfighter who came with him to Mexico from Spain and was reportedly at the ring on Sunday when his son was injured. The parents could not immediately be reached for comment.

It is too early to nominate Ceceres for father of the year? How irresponsible do you have to be to let your child climb into a ring with a raging beast? It would be like letting your daughter go out on a date with Lawrence Phillips, only to regret it later after he drags her down a few flights of stairs.

Monday, April 16, 2007

Agassi beats Graf

Steffi Graf required three stitches Sunday after husband Andre Agassi inadvertently hit her in the face with his racket during a fundraiser. The doctor who paid $70,000 for a trip to play tennis with the couple stitched up Steffi. This happened as Graf and Agassi were holding hands -- her left to his right -- while rallying with a couple of youngsters when Agassi's follow-through struck his wife in the face. After she was hit, Graf lifted her left hand to her mouth and walked off to the side of the court with Agassi following closely behind her to check on her well-being. She wiped her mouth with a towel before leaving the stadium.

If you are going to beat your wife, what better place to pretend it's an accident then at a charity event. This winter, anticipate seeing the Julio Lugo charity baseball classic in the Dominican; starring his wife as the bat girl. When Julio's in the on-deck circle, expect him to call for some additional pine tar for his bat; then WHAMMO! Mistakes happen, yo!

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Throwing Smoke Flashback - Jose Canseco

On any given Sunday, we will be posting some of our favourite sports moments of the past. What clip is better to start with than Jose Canseco injecting hilarity into the long ball?

Saturday, April 14, 2007

Poet's Corner

Smuggling the Cubans,

Baseball players not some smokes,

Modern day slave trade.

Disgraced agent, Gustavo "Gus" Dominguez pictured

Friday, April 13, 2007

Moon shines

Hall of fame QB Warren Moon was arrested last week for suspicion of driving drunk. When the police got him back to headquarters an hour-and-a-half later to administer blood alcohol testing he had fallen below the legal limit of 0.08. However, charges could still be filed if prosecutors decide that he was impaired behind the wheel.

Looks like Moon is probably going to get off. Much like his last brush with the cops when he was arrested and tried for beating his wife. He avoided jail time when she testified that she was to blame for the incident. They later divorced and she became an advocate for domestic abuse victims and their children.

Warren Moon was a trailblazer. And I’m not referring to the fact that he was the first black QB in the football Hall of Fame. Moon was smackin’ around broads long before the Titans made it cool.

Duke players free

The disgraced district attorney in the Duke lacrosse sexual assault case apologized to the three athletes in a carefully worded statement Thursday as their lawyers weighed whether to sue him -- and some legal experts say they have a case. Mike Nifong's had been quoted as calling the lacrosse players "a bunch of hooligans" in one of several interviews and this was deemed unethical by the state bar. On Wednesday, North Carolina Attorney General Roy Cooper threw out the case against the three young men, pronounced them innocent and delivered a withering attack on Nifong, portraying him as a "rogue" prosecutor guilty of "overreaching." Cooper said Nifong rushed the case, failed to verify the accuser's allegations and pressed on despite the warning signs. There has also been some suggestions that the players and their families might sue Duke University, which has been heavily criticized in some quarters for suspending the players and canceling the lacrosse team's season before the young men were even tried.

We have learned a lot over the last year from this story such as don’t jump to conclusions, watch your actions at college parties and most importantly, money justice always prevails.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Landis never quits

The panel hearing doping accusations against Tour de France winner Floyd Landis has granted the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency's request to have a French lab test backup urine samples taken during the race, even though the "A" samples collected simultaneously tested negative for performance-enhancing drugs. USADA wants the testing done because results could possibly corroborate other evidence in the case -- even though under international anti-doping protocol, the results cannot be considered a positive test, according to an arbitrators' March 17 ruling obtained by on Wednesday. Landis said USADA's tactic is a legal red herring designed to prop up a shaky case and further sap his side of time and money.

I am not sure what the hell this means, but I do know that this is a story that never ends. Much like OJ's tireless hunt for the real killers.

Irvin won't pay

Hall of Fame receiver Michael Irvin is being sued by a contractor who claims the former Dallas Cowboys star grabbed his arm and injured him during a dispute over a $2,800 payment. This contractor was hired to install a fountain at Irvin's Plano home. The suit claims that Irvin grabbed Vandergrift and jerked his body as he tried leaving. Irvin had begun "screaming and shouting" after Vandergrift said he was owed payment for the work. Irvin told The Dallas Morning News the allegations were "blackmail."

With Irvin being recently fired from ESPN, $2,800 is a lot of money. Especially with a huge blow habit. Instead of getting mad the contractor should get even by showing up at Irvin’s house with a bag of flour and telling him it's some pure shit from Columbia. And after Irvin forks over the cash for the stash, dump the bag out on the driveway and leave with an ‘FU Betty Crocker’ while Irvin is on all fours desperately trying snort whatever he can. That’s real justice, yo.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

NFL gets tough on crime

In response to the NFL’s “season of sin” commissioner Roger Goodell made good on his promise to strengthen the league’s player conduct policy. Goodell announced on Tuesday that serial gangbanger Pacman Jones will be suspended for the entire 2007 season while Bengal lynchpin Chris Henry will miss the first eight games after being arrested four times in the last 12 months.

I don’t know why the league is picking on Chris Henry. Considering that the Cincinnati police department opened a detachment in Paul Brown Stadium last season, the entire Bengals squad should be shown the door.

This suspension is going to cost Pacman a cool mil in lost salary. I’m hoping he goes Strahan crazy and starts killing people. Or maybe he’ll do the right thing, and suit up for the Toronto Argonauts of the CFL. Yeah it’s tough to operate a glock in -40 degree weather, but at least it won’t cost him $80,000 to get a little action at the strip club. In Canada its full service legal, yo.

Cheap shoes can hurt feet

A month after Stephon Marbury was bragging about his $15 NBA style sneakers, the all-star guard has been sidelined with a toe injury. He has not played in a week and his status for the rest of the year is in jeopardy.

Role model or not, when you use cheap shit in a high performance game, you have to expect to get hurt. It would be like Dale Earnhart Jr. driving in the Daytona 500 with beach balls for tires; allowing the Earnhart’s to have a big family reunion. Underground.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Eagle's wings clipped again

Mere hours after the conclusion of his NHL season, Florida Panther’s goalie Eddie “The Eagle” Belfour got into his usual off-season routine of drinking to excess and scuffling with cops.

Belfour and teammate Ville Peltonen were visiting a popular Miami Beach bar when security guards asked them to leave for being wildly intoxicated. When the two refused to leave police were called. They tried to arrest The Eagle for disorderly intoxication but he fought back and had to be Tasered in order to be handcuffed.

Belfour loves booze. A lot. Earlier this season he injured a teammate while in a drunken rage. And back in 2000 he was maced by cops after being forcibly removed from a hotel bar and offering one billion dollars if they let him go. During sentencing for that incident he promised to seek alcohol counseling and to never scuffle with police again.

NHL players are classier than other pro athletes. And by classy I mean that when they get drinking the resulting deaths are strictly "accidental".

Canadian OJ

Former CFL football player, James Curry, is accused of killing his girlfriend to prevent her from testifying in a child abuse case. He pled not guilty to murder charges in California on Wednesday. Police said James Curry, 49, of Chowchilla, called authorities Friday to report the attempted suicide of girlfriend Jennifer Flores, 30, but officials later ruled her death a murder. Police Chief Jay Varney said Flores was found dead of a single gunshot wound to the head in the couple's home. Authorities believe Curry killed Flores because she was a witness in an unrelated case charging him with corporal punishment of a child. He has pleaded not guilty in that case.

With Curry only having CFL skills, he can’t expect to get off like the Juice. Never mind the fact that Johnny Cochrane is dead, but you can’t afford an all-star legal team when your career salary is easily topped by a toll booth operator. The best Curry can hope for is that Christopher Darden comes out of retirement to botch his case.

Monday, April 09, 2007

Johnson is Master of his domain

In the final round of the Masters on Sunday, Zach Johnson pulled away from Tiger Woods and the rest of the pack with three birdies in a crucial four-hole stretch along the back nine of Augusta National, closing with a 69 for a two-shot victory and only the second of his career. It was only the third time Woods lost a lead during the final round of a major, and the first time he ever failed to get it back.
"This is very surreal -- very, very surreal," said Johnson

Zach Johnson danced with the Tiger and came out unscathed. Normally when Woods is lurking in the final group, it is almost always certain death. Much like accidentally using Greg Louganis' towel at a diving meet.

Saturday, April 07, 2007

Poet's Corner

Nappy Headed Hoes

Don Imus called Rutger's Team.

White trash racist pig!

Friday, April 06, 2007

Rangers are gay

Two New York Islanders Ice Girls were hoping to penalize members of the New York Rangers for slashing, spitting and verbal abuse during television timeouts in the first period of Tuesday's game at Nassau Coliseum. A report in New York newspaper Newsday reveals that the girls were cleaning loose ice in the blue-painted goaltender's crease when Rangers goaltender Henrik Lundqvist refused to move and used his stick to hit the squeegee used to push the snow during the first TV timeout, knocking the butt end into her stomach.

"The tip of my squeegee kind of hit the tip of his stick," Kelli Higgins told Newsday. "I don't know if he thought I did that on purpose or whatever, but he took a big windup and slashed the squeegee pretty good. It startled me a little bit. It didn't feel great, but I wouldn't say I was injured or in a ton of pain. I was shocked."

During the second TV timeout, Higgins alternated jobs with another Ice Girl, Chanel Benson, who claimed she was spit on as she was leaving the ice.
"All of a sudden, my back got wet," Benson told Newsday. "I believe one of the Rangers players who was sitting along the wall spit on my back. It had to be on purpose because I wasn't directly in front of anyone to spit and not realize I was there." During a third TV timeout, both referees and one linesman made Lundqvist move to allow Higgins to shovel the snow out. Higgins said both Lundqvist and Rangers forward Sean Avery were using curse words "that had to do with us going around with the squeegee."

Do the Rangers love cock? Just because Avery is banging Elisha Cuthbert doesn’t mean he can’t appreciate Long Island ass. If Mark Messier were still around there wouldn’t have been any spitting, only swallowing.

Maradona sent to loony-bin

Argentinean soccer hero Diego Maradona was forcibly admitted to a psychiatric hospital last week where he is being treated for health problems related to alcohol abuse, overeating and smoking. Doctors have said he is being treated for withdrawal from alcohol and for a hepatitis condition blamed on excess alcohol consumption.

Maradona isn’t enjoying life without booze and has been shouting at doctors to let him out of the hospital. To keep him under control doctors are keeping him sedated during day and have barred visits from relatives.

This isn’t Maradona’s first visit to the hospital. He was admitted in 2000 and 2004 because of health problems owing to his years of cocaine addiction.

It’s sad to see such an icon fall to ruin. This guy eats and drinks as much as David Wells and probably snorted more coke than Darryl Strawberry and Doc Gooden combined. But what’s really a shame is to see a former world-class athlete obscenely overweight and unable to string two words together. Kind of like Ali. Only he doesn’t wet his diapers.

Thursday, April 05, 2007

Frank Thomas beats children

An ad featuring Toronto Blue Jays star Frank 'Big Hurt' Thomas has been pulled from television. Canadian regulators demanded changes to the above commercial featuring the Blue Jays slugger engaged in a pillow fight with kids."They said the child landing on the floor may have left the impression that he was hurt," said Laurel Lindsay, the Blue Jays' vice-president of marketing.

How the hell does this advertisement get banned from television? This isn’t any worse than seeing Bela Karolyi abuse teenage gymnasts on live TV. Sure everyone loves him after he carried Kerri Strug away from the vault for the gold. But if she doesn’t stick that landing its another round of diet pills and laxatives.

Levi makes lame excuses

Bengals tackle Levi Jones’ has finally spoken to the media regarding his street brawl with Dolphins linebacker Joey Porter at a Vegas casino last month. Jones, still sporting facial wounds from the altercation, told a Cincinnati newspaper that he was jumped by six other men in Porter’s entourage before Porter hit him.

"[Porter] got my attention from the front and wouldn't get near me until the six guys jumped me from behind, [then] he took part," said Jones. "What started everything was the dude hit me from behind. From then on, I had to protect myself. I was attacked by seven guys. I don't know what man is going to withstand that, especially with an NFL player involved."

I feel sorry for Levi. Being the “nice” Bengal doesn’t win you friends in the locker room. But if Levi was going to take three weeks before defending himself about how he got the shit kicked out of him, you would have thought he could have come up with a better story than that. Like how he accidentally wound up in the middle of a Royal Rumble and Hacksaw Jim Duggan clubbed him in the face with a 2x4 while the Iron Sheik held him in the camel clutch.

Tiger is a tycoon

Jason Sobel of ESPN recently had a conversation with Tiger Woods. On Sobel’s blog, he posts some of Tiger’s gems such as:

On his professional breakthrough being responsible for golf's technology boom: "I guess it's all my fault, huh?"

On how rail-thin Charles Howell III has changed since he first met him: "He's probably put on 1.5 pounds."

On Atlanta Braves pitcher John Smoltz, from whom (along with Jeff Francoeur and Adam LaRoche) Tiger won some money on the golf course recently: "He's my ATM."

Tiger’s one funny dude. So I hope he finds the humor in me using his wife as my face cloth.

And how retarded do you have to be to play golf against Tiger Woods for money? This is as stupid as getting into a gluttony contest with John Daly and being surprised when you have to have your stomach pumped later that night

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Father can't handle losing

The video above is of Ukrainian swim coach, Mikhail Zubkov who has been banned from coming within 200 metres of his daughter after physically assaulting her during the Swimming World Championships in Melbourne. The film shows Zubkov grappling with his 18 year old daughter, Kateryna Zubkova after she failed to qualify for the final of the 50m backstroke. Zubkov, who is also banned from contacting his daughter, has been bailed to appear before a Melbourne court on Thursday after pictures of the scuffle in the marshalling room were broadcast across the nation.

If Jennifer Capriati taught us anything it is how to deal with an overbearing father and still make a name for yourself. All it takes is a little assistance from the lord. That is, a little help from your local drug lord Pedro Gonzalez, and some prayer at the church of blow.

And just because she’s hot, here are some sweet pix of former world number one tennis star Jelena Dokic, who also had some dust-ups with her coach/father.

German athletes still cheat

German authorities are claiming that DNA analysis proves blood samples confiscated during a Spanish investigation into a doping ring belong to Jan Ullrich. Ullrich retired in February following his dismissal from the T-Mobile team in June 2006 after it was alleged he was implicated in 'Operacion Puerto' - a doping case against Spanish doctor Eufemiano Fuentes. The prosecuter told German TV channel n-tv: 'We had nine blood samples which we could compare to the DNA tests from Jan Ullrich. By doing this we could identify Jan Ullrich. 'It shows that the blood (Ullrich's) was stored there (with Fuentes).

Is a story about drugs in cycling really shocking anymore? Real news would be if they ever found a champion cycler who rode clean. But this is as likely as Lance Armstrong getting back on his bike for another Tour de France. Or growing another teste.

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

NFL Noname assaults pregnant woman

We all know that NFL players love to abuse women, but Tampa Bay Buccaneers reserve running back Lionel Gates took the practice to a new low when he was arrested and charged with beating a pregnant woman late last week. The police report says that last Thursday Gates kicked in the front door to gain access to her apartment and once inside hit her in the face and threw her into a wall. He finished off the tirade by smashing two TVs and tearing a few holes in the wall.

I don’t even know who Lionel Gates is, but he clearly isn't a student of Pacman Jones’ code of ethics. Sure, Pacman wouldn’t hesitate to spit on a pregnant woman but he’d never go so far as to beat the shit out of her. Well, that is, unless she stole his money.

Florida are champs

For the second time in 2007, the Florida Gators have beaten the Ohio State Buckeyes for a US college national championship. The Gators captured their second straight NCAA basketball championship with an 84-75 win last night. Four months prior, Florida’s football team destroyed the unbeaten Buckeye team 41-14 in a shocker.

Ohio State is the France of college sports; you show up for war but all you can do is rollover and die when everything’s on the line. But the Buckeyes can take some solace in what France has accomplished since the World Wars, by being a world champion in a pansy sport like soccer. So what does this mean for the Buckeye’s now? If you can't win the manly sports, it is time to divert all of the money out of basketball and football and into men’s gymnastics. Nothing says homosexuality athletic powerhouse like gold in pommel horse.

Domi is a bad father

The Toronto Sun received several calls from parents accusing Tie Domi of confronting his son's coach, Lucas Miller, on Friday night, after the Toronto Marlboros were beaten 2-0 by the Toronto Red Wings. Callers claimed Domi was out of control, yelling profanities at Miller in front of young players and fans. Police who called to the rink later said they were given no evidence to lay charges. Domi was apparently irate at the amount of playing time his 11 year old son, Max, was receiving.

Someone needs to explain biology to Domi. Considering the fact that Tie was a no talent hack on the ice, how can he expect his son to have the ability to earn quality ice-time? Max’s only hope for an NHL career is to find out that Dougie Gilmour was boning more than just the babysitter.

Monday, April 02, 2007

Pressel wins a major

On Sunday, Morgan Pressel became the youngest player in LPGA history to win a major after Suzann Pettersen blew a 4 shot lead with four holes to play. Pressell is 18 years, 10 months and 9 days old. "Oh my God! Oh my God!" was all she could manage with a camera in her face when Pettersen's 25-foot birdie putt to force a playoff stopped a few inches short.

Weren’t these accolades to be reserved for Michelle Wie? Afterall, she’s been dubbed the female Tiger Woods ever since she turned 13 years old. Can’t blame her for snubbing LPGA tour events and trying to land the big pay day on the men’s circuit. And by big pay day I mean bagging a millionaire golfer. Why spend hours practicing on the golf course when the real payoff can be found at home smacking Sergio Garcia’s balls around.